This is a guest blog submitted by withlove_yourdisaster.How would I go about telling a good friend that I'm currently dating the guy that broke up with her?
Should I leave out the fact that he was cheating on her for almost a year with me? (No, no, this isn't the bad story you think it is. I'm not the slut, I promise.)
He saved my life, made me happy again, and over a long, long, time, we got closer and closer -- and she went away to college and things between me and him... changed. And then he broke up with her and we've been a secret the entire time.
But the truth is, we have to be a secret until she finds out.
And in order for her to find out, we have to tell her...
And I have no idea how to do that...
Help.
Recommend
Comments (223)
OH MY GOSH! I've been down that path before! Not so sunny. There is nothing that pisses me off more. They eventually ended up getting married at 17 and making bad choices. Did I mention that he was my child hood friend, my irst love and my best friend ever?
I still want to crack his skull!
Eeek.... not cool. And I while I can't totally relate to it exactly, I've been in a somewhat similar situation. The best thing? Just put it as simply and clearly as possible. Don't make it bigger or smaller than it is. Honesty always is the best policy... even when it hurts.
I was friends with a girl last year. This year I never talk to her even though I see her almost daily at school. I have an immense crush on her boyfriend, and it makes me highly uncomfortable. Because I usually hang out with him for a solid half hour every day.
Regardless of whether or not it is or isn't the horrible story we might think it is, that's likely how it will appear to her.
Talk to her about it...see where it goes.
alls fair in love and war.. sorta
sounds like a bit of a pickle. Id say tell her before she finds out elsewhere
She most not be to good a friend or you would not be in a relationship with her ex-boyfriend or have been the oher woman. Reguardless of how happy he makes you. You crossed a line that a friend never should cross. YOU DON"T DATE FRIENDS EX'S.. So now you worry about hurting her seems you should have thought about that before you got yourself in this situtation. Can you blame her if she never wants to see, speak, or hear from you. Honestly you deserve nothing less. How would you feel if the situtation was reversed?
I don't mean to..judge the situation, but can you really believe, for a moment, that this girl is going to be okay with the fact that the guy she was with was cheating on her - and her friend, or someone who claims to be so, did nothing to stop it?
I'd never talk to anyone I knew again if I knew something like that happened.
:o/ all i gotta say is GOOD LUCK. that's the ultimate cardinal rule, you dont date a friend's ex -- ever. if she's over him, she'll be okay with the idea that you two are dating. but not everyone can be "selfless" like that. and the fact that you guys have been secretly dating for quite some time now... either way, it'll still sting/hurt. in some ways, i feel that it was disrespectful to the other girl. its like a slap in her face. im sorry but most girls are "catty" like that and that's natural. at this point, you really have no choice but be honest with her. i wouldnt have a sit down dinner and have you two confess to her because she'd feel like she's being tag teamed. one of you guys should `fess up. a sincere and genuine apology may help the situation but there are no guarantees. just hope that she's over it and can be the bigger person and be happy for you two rather than be bitter about it. but yea, definitely tough. good luck!
I must say if I was your friend, I would never talk with you again. What you did was wrong.
While you say that the story isn't as "bad" as it looks, it certainly will look that way to her. Any which way you cut it, she's going to think that you're one reason why they broke up.
I'm tempted to say that you should wait until you know for sure that she's moved on before you tell her that you and her ex are dating. And leave out the part about the cheating.
However, I also see cheating with your friend's boyfriend for a year is inexcusable. Without knowing the whole story, I'm tempted to see your actions, as well as the boy's, as utterly selfish. So, maybe it's best that you tell her, so that she knows just what good "friends" she has.
No matter how you tell her, it depends on her reaction. Was his breakup with your friend a sudden and mean one? If so, I'd say you're going to lose a friend...
Just tell your friend about it. If your friendship doesn't survive because of that, then that's a consequence you're going to have to assume. That this whole thing might upset her and whatnot is a given. If you're too scared or apprehensive (or whatever you want to call it, although it all comes down to the same thing), you should either not be friends with her OR don't be in a relationship with her ex.
a true loyal friend with high morals and ethics.. u 2 scumbags probably deserve each other..
I've dated friend's ex's, and I have also dated ex's friends.
I was never in your situation, but I have an idea.
But first things first, I'm a firm believer in "once a cehater is always a cheater." So I hope you can trust him before you carry on with this relationship. Then... How can you date a guy who's already dating your good friend? That is a line you shouldn't have crossed and shouldn't cross ever again, no matter what the case is. Even if she was cheating on him to start with, or even if you have his child, or even if he saved your life. It's find to be good friends with friends bf, but..
Anyways, I'm assuming it's been at least about month or more since they've broken up. If not, what I'm going to say most likely won't work.
Best way out of it is for you to tell her that you guys are dating now. If you can, it would be a better idea to "consult" her about it (even if you are dating him right now). Say something like "hey, you know your previous ex bf? Well, I kind of like him... a lot. Would you mind if I like him that way? Maybe even try to date him?" That kinda thing. If she's really a good friend of yours, she'll probably tell you something like "he's not that great and I don't recommend him. But if you are dying to date him, I wouldn't mind."
Oh yea. Don't ever ever ever EVER, tell her that he cheated on her with you. Even if you are pissed off at her, or just want to confess.. or whatever. DONT TELL HER. You and her will never have same relationship, and also you are gonna be called "whore/slut" to all her friends. (or most likely..)
I hope you get through this well.
Good luck!
PS - BUT don't forget that you are have already risked your friendship with her whether you tell her or not.
If she's not a friend you don't mind losing, then go ahead and tell her (or not) and keep dating him. But if she's one of those precious friend that you don't ever want to lose... dump the guy and tell her the whole truth and apologize from your heart. If she's as good friend as you believe her to be, she'll forgive you eventually. If not..... sorry. You will still lose her. *shrug*
that just recently happened to me. well, not exactly. but similar. my ex boyfriend and one of my friends liked each other. without considering my feelings, she went for it and hoping that i wouldnt find out. as soon as the words got to me, i cut off all contacts with her before they even crossed the line.
if you want to remain friends with her, i suggest you drop the guy. a guy is never worth it. especially when it comes between good friends. make the right choice (:
I hope the guy is worth it because I think you just lost a friend.
Either way you're going to lose a friend.
I'm not going to sit here and wag my finger, but if she really was your good friend then certain lines shouldn't and wouldn't have been crossed.Be honest with her and just tell her. Chances are she'll find out from someone else down the line about the cheating.Â
Good luck.
It doesn't seem like you are that girls friend.
While you say the story isn't like the "bad story" everyone will come to think, in a way.. it is. I understand that he made you happy but really? You say you're good friends with the girl yet you knowingly cheated on her with her boyfriend. That's really selfish of you. To many people & to her, it's not going to come off as that way.. It comes off as the "bad story" in every way possible. But again, you're saying we don't know the truth.. so then why not just be honest with her & tell her everything? You're going to have to be "somewhat" honest with her regardless. You should definitely tell her before she finds out from other sources, if she hasn't already. I hope you also know that she's probably never going to want to speak to you again & feel as if you broke them up. [Just showing you how she'd view it by standing in her shoes.]
Also, just a word of warning/heads up.. if her ex/your current boyfriend cheated on her with you.. don't you ever wonder that he just might end up cheating on you like he did with the last? I'd be careful if I were you.
dont be suprised if she slaps you in the face. if one of my friends did that to me thats the least i would do.
You deserve to get smacked for that.... Let's hope she doesn't have a xanga.
you broke the code....actually, you were sorta cheating with him, then he broke up with her, and then you broke the code and are dating him.
maybe it's just me, but i don't date my boys' sisters, cousins, ex's, etc. and so far, i have no problem finding companionship. why the drama?
i suppose i'm lazy as well.
@Princess_Jewelia@xanga - best comment ever!!!!!
well, first of all, i'm glad you've found love and that you're happy. in the grand scheme of things, if this guy ends up being your soul mate, you could say the end justifies the means...kind of.
but the issue currently is that you acted like a pretty crappy friend. if this girl was really a "good friend", you would never have gone there with this guy, regardless of how great he is.
with any luck, she'll be over the guy, and she'll maybe even be happy you've found someone and that you're happy. but it's unlikely that she will be able to see you as more than just a former friend who chose a guy over her. because that's exactly what happened here.
i've been there before, in this other girl's shoes. and while i do not care about the guy, and am glad they've both found love with one another, i can't help but think of her as a girl who wasn't classy enough to put a friend first. sluts choose guys over friends. nice girls just don't do that. i understand both sides of the story. do i hate her? no. is our friendship over? yeah, it was apparently over long, long ago if she felt it was appropriate to go after a friend's ex.
hopefully, your friend won't hold it against you. but i doubt she'll want to see very much of you from now on. i'm sure she has plenty of friends who don't scrape the leftovers off her plate and then sleep with them.
sorry if that sounds harsh; i mean no harm. just an opinion from someone who's been there.