Miss Penguin Yesterday, my best friend (aka my twin, even though we're not
biologically twins) sent me an email that broke my heart a little. She
recently has been going through a bad breakup (from a really
unhealthy relationship) and her parents are getting divorced. It contained the following:
Gah. I wish this all had never happened.
I have totally given up on love altogether now - I don't see the point,
all men are the same. I told my dad that I am now a cynic
and have already looked into what my options are for children since
I'll never get married. I also told him that he and Phil are the exact
same - don't know how he's taking that bit of info. Gah. I miss you and
wish you were here. This was my response (I wanted to share it because I'm not usually much of an optimist, but I think I made some
You shouldn't give
up on love. In fact, I know you think you already have, but you
haven't. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and tell you that it will
magically get better. You will be in a lot of pain for a long time.
Time is the only thing that heals it, and even time can't heal it
completely. And there will always be scar tissue.
You may always have
feelings for Phil. I still have feelings for The Nice Guy. And for The Army Guy. And I
probably always will. But that doesn't mean I want to get back together
with them, nor does it mean I can't also love someone else (The Soulmate).
Some people seem to think that love is finite. That you only have so
much love to give. But I disagree. I don't think that loving someone
prevents you from loving someone else.
And you know how I KNOW you're going to love again? Because if
everyone gave up on love after their first major heartbreak, the
population would be dwindling a great deal, or at the very least
marriage for love would be unheard of and it would all be arranged
marriages. So few people marry their first love.
I know you feel like
your life is basically over right now, but I promise you it's not.
You'll meet a good guy, who's much more attractive than Phil and
treats you so much better. You might have a few more heartbreaks along
the way, but I promise you that you will find love. Real love. The love
that you deserve. Not one-sided, unhealthy love. You're still so young,
my dear. And you're such a delightful human being that I just can't
picture you ending up alone. You have plenty of time to find someone.
And your first love will always be the hardest to move on from. But you
will, eventually, move on.
And
not all men are the same. All men are stupid, yes. That will
always be true just about. But there are some good guys out there
amongst the plethora of assholes. I know I don't know a whole lot about
your parents' situation, but I don't think you can compare your dad to
Phil fairly. Phil never really tried. He never treated you right.
Your dad put in years and years of marriage with your mom and I believe
he tried to make it work. And, at least as far as I know, he never
treated her the way Phil treated you. Maybe he didn't try hard enough
but you can't compare him to Phil. Phil never even tried to try.
Phil doesn't have respect for other people. Your dad has respect for
other people.
Don't take your anger at Phil out on your father. I know
it's tough, but he's your dad and he loves you. Parents won't be around
forever and you should try to spend as little time as possible on bad
terms with them because when they're gone, you will regret it.
Do your friends come to you for romantic advice? When you have existential love quandaries, who do you ask for advice?
Comments (45)
I felt like the writer's reply to her friend was directed at me. I needed that...
When you can't get any answers from your friends....the internet is a great resource for all relationship problems.
And you're right, she shouldn't give up :)
kisses,
-BB
Ditto at what Angelina_Everlong said.
My friends come to me, but I don't know why, seeing as I've never been in a relationship before (or even gone on a date for that matter).
That said, whenever I've had any issues that are even remotely in this area, I go to my mum and my best friend (who really wouldn't know better than I do, since she's never been in an actual relationship, either). And I know I'd run to them first if I ever got into a relationship and had issues.
That was a beautiful response! Thank you so much, its just what I needed to hear (or read?).
i ask my guy friends who are older and wiser. i also share my troubles with my sister.
Like so many others, the response was exactly what I needed to hear.
Ooooooo so needed to read this blog...my whole perspective has changed....hmmm
I find that when bloggers have these existential quandaries, they ask the Internet.
Yeah, a few of my friends come to me when they want to talk about their love troubles. I mainly go to one of my girl friends and one of my guy friends (who happens to be younger than me, but very mature for a guy his age). But when I need more opinions, I go to the Internet.
An interesting point to note is, I'd never go to my family for stuff like this... unless the relationship has gone to the point where he's met my family and I've met his...
and yes, the author's response was encouraging. Thank you for sharing it =]
Like Bunnyblurbs, I don't know why but my friends do come to me for relationship advice. I've never been in a relationship, but I guess they ask me because even if I don't know about relationships, I know them. I've been there to listen about their past boy experiences & they're hopes & fears about a possible new relationship, so they know I'll be honest when they ask me about a guy or when they're doubting something about their relationship. Sometimes you just need that outsider insight to un-fog the rose-tinted glasses a little.
I don't know if I've given up on love. Is it even possible to give up before you even start? I usually ask my best friends for love advice (the same three girls who come to me patiently listen to my ever-single-because-I'm-afraid-he'll-hurt-me-or-turn-out-to-be-like-my-dad monologue over & over) & they always encourage me to give it a shot. To put myself out there & see if love (even if only a temporary love) comes calling. I guess I'm just too cautious & cowardly to gamble with my heart. >.<
I always go to two of my friends for advice.. they tell me bluntly what they think even if it's not what I want to hear sometimes.
And I have to agree with everyone else about the writer's reply.. I'm going through my first major breakup also, so it's exactly what I need to read.
Yes, they come to me all the time. I love it! I don't really think I have all sorts of experience, but perhaps my perspective is helpful. My existential love quandaries are usually heard by my best friend. He understands me better than I do.
That e-mail is an eloquently worded call to continue the fight in the name of love! :) Lovely
I feel like forwarding this on to a friend of mine who needs to hear just that, too.
what's crazy is that I give great advice but never believe a word of it. I seem to be a romantic, but really I don't even know that I believe in true love, the world has just simply become too greedy for such a creature.
That was really thoughtful of you to write such a detailed & encouraging response to your friend.
People always come to me for relationship advice... mostly younger boys as they see me as their "big sister" & while I don't have much experience in the relationship department, I tell them how I see things & how I'd do it & if it applies, I'll share with them stuff from my two-ish relationships. Lately however, it's started to become younger girls who are sorta like my "little sisters" [I do have a younger sister but she tends to keep things to herself & when she shares, she gets quite defensive so I keep my advice-giving to a minimum for her. I do wish she'd ask me more though 'cause it hurts me to see the kinds of heartache she's put herself through.. like being friends with an ex who ended up playing with her feelings. >.<]
When I have relationship issues, I tend to run to my closest group of girls.. especially girls who are my year & older & have been through it or at least understand my viewpoints. They never hesitate to tell me how they see it either. That's what I love about my girls<3
how do you know the next guy is going to be attractive? that's not good advice. attractiveness doesn't mean better. though in my case it does. ;]
why can't you picture alone? is that a death sentence? you're basically feeding her the crap that people are nothing if they aren't in a relationship.
plenty of men are happy being single.
all men aren't stupid. a lot of women are stupid for being easy. then they get upset when men don't respect them for it.
@melvinthaler - I didn't say attractive meant better. Notice how after I said the guy would be more attractive than her ex, I also said he would treat her better, etc. I was just listing off positive traits to make her feel better. Because that's what the email was about - making her feel better. If you're going to read something and take the time to comment, you really should read the whole thing.
I can't picture her alone because she's a social, friendly, kind person. It's not a death sentence to be alone, but she is not the type of person who would want to be alone for the rest of her life. People aren't nothing if they aren't in a relationship but it's human nature to want to be with someone (so we can reproduce and keep the species going and whatnot).
Plenty of men might be happy being single. Good for them. So might plenty of women. This post wasn't about plenty of people. It was about my friend.
And while all men may not be stupid, your comment certainly didn't demonstrate otherwise. If women are "stupid for being easy" and "men don't respect them for it," isn't that kind of hypocritical for a guy to sleep with a woman and then judge HER for being easy? Isn't the guy just as easy then? And do you think women respect men who sleep around?
@Angelina_Everlong@xanga - ditto
it was inspiring. thank you because I felt like I needed to read that for myself as well. I love my friends they stick by me but I have this pride thing where I dont like to show them Im hurting. And in return alot of the times they think im okay.
Currently Ive been trying to avoid them... because well I dont want them to see me distraught
but thank you even though it wasnt directed towards me
Wow. I wish you were my friend.
This post confirms my suspicious... there's no good man named Phil. That's all I have to say about that. Actually, it's not... I'd love to be proven wrong and meet a great guy named Phil. Here's hoping...
I have a gay uncle Phil who has been with the same guy for over ten years....kinda spacey, but not a bad guy lol
but yeah, i'm the advice girl in my group for the most part...i rarely need more than a sounding board, because i usually make up my mind on my own and go to the bffs for encouragement. i only have one guy friend i might talk to about dudes..
This was a great letter.
I def have some daddy issues myself directed at other men, so when I do get hurt I make the mistake of going "Men are all just like my father!"On the flip side if I dated a girl, I don't think I'd compare her to my mom no matter how crazy she was... hmm.
Friends do come to me for advice. Which is probably the biggest hyprocity in the world on my part - as despite what seems to be a perfect marriage on the surface, my relationships with men are as screwed up as it gets.
@Angelina_Everlong@xanga - Yes, exactly.
Thanks, I really needed it.