This is a guest blog submitted by bearhugs.I've been a serial relationship mess lately. I'd love to delve, but I'll spare you.
My most recent incident is actually quite current. Like, I'm avoiding it right this very moment current.
So after meeting this guy in the first days of college, we've grown to be pretty good friends, and as of last week perhaps more than friends.
So here's how it went down: he told me that he had feelings for me, and I couldn't lie and tell him that I didn't. Unfortunately, I don't think my feelings run quite as deep as his, and I'm stuck very much between a rock and a hard place. His heart is already in a volatile state, and I'd rather not break it.
Have you ever been in an uneven relationship? Which end were you on, and what did you do about it?
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Comments (75)
I was in a relationship where the guy liked me more than I liked him, you see, I made it clear that I only wanted to be his friend, he initially accepted it. However, a little while later he got very weird and stalked me for quite sometime.
yeahhhh...the guy became quite a stalker. i kept telling him i didn't like him in that way, but he just got creepier and creepier. finally i just stopped talking to him because he couldn't take the hint!
I am in one right now.. I like the guy and have only known him for a few months but he seems to be in love with me. he talks about marriage all the time and we arent even officially dating. All this future talks just pushes me away and makes me like him less and less.. So i sat down with him and told him how it was a few days ago.. and he has gotten much better about it.. He knows that I am not in love with him and understands that he likes me a lot more than I like him.
I cared for him a lot more.
I ended up in therapy.
Now I've learned that no one is worth giving yourself over completely because they will, and often do, take advantage of it and you.
I've been on both ends of the stick. It's best to be upfront and honest as early as possible. That will save a lot of heartache in the end.
simple, that's to be honest to him, if you don't have feelings for him then you don't have feelings for him, no need to lie to anyone about it.
Yeah, often during the beginning of my relationships, it's fairly uneven, but it's never been a problem before.
I've been in this type of relationship a couple of times. The one time, I liked the guy, but he was in love with me within a month. I was most definitely not in love with him, but I really liked him. So I broke up with him, but then we got back together and I broke up with him again because I realized I'd never like him THAT much.
I'd be honest. It's better than waiting til later to break it to him & then hurting him a lot more.
I was in the same situation as you a few years back. Looking back, I wish I had done it sooner. I liked him but I wasn't crazy about him & he'd talk about marriage & all that stuff. He was seriously in love with me a month into the relationship. -___-" & we were only in high school! I ended up hurting him a lot by waiting til I couldn't stand him anymore to break up with him. Bad decision.
I've been on both sides of the stick and although neither end is better, there's a better outlook/chance of success/reconciliation if, like others have noted, you talk about it early on. You may think you're going to break him, but you won't; if he stays with you, in the long run he'll be happier you told him to back off. A good understanding of the other person's emotions is important, after all.
i've set my boundaries before in many different situations. each time it is better if i am up front in the beginning AND that i pay special attention to his actions after that... when i see how he is being, i can decide if he takes it well, and go from there
Yeah, I had, but I didn't think he was really deep though. I was not into the guy at all, but I supposed I was disappointed with my crush at the time in high school. And so, I went out with that guy, but I despised it. He was the first guy that ever said he loved me; and he liked me for 4-5 years. Nevertheless, I kept on thinking about breaking up every week or so. And, I never could until I find someone else that I was really into.
Never got in the relationship because I didn't feel the same way. If you don't like them enough, don't even bother. But who knows, things can change. In my experience, it didn't, and it was way better for me in the long run. It also helped her get some things straight, though she kept getting involved in relationships just because she missed the feeling of having a bf.
I get freaked out when a guy likes me way more than I like him. I don't know what it is - you hear these stories of girls that yearn for that. Yet, when it happens to me, I flip out. I prefer liking a guy just a teeny bit more than he likes me. Ideally, we like each other in roughly equal terms, but I'm most comfortable when I've got just the teeniest bit of doubt as to whether or not we're on that same level.
I think I freak out when he likes me a lot more than I like him because I've had guys that have confronted me with threats of suicide (seriously, which is weird because that also happened to my mom), guys that have talked about getting married within like 2 weeks of dating, guys that have introduced me to their family as their "girlfriend" when we barely knew each other, and one guy that STILL won't leave me alone, although we technically broke it off 7 months ago. Yes, it's getting to the point where I'm considering filing a no-contact order against him if he doesn't leave me alone.
My best advice is to just be perfectly honest with him. Yes, it can be difficult, and yes, he'll likely get upset...but it's much better than the alternative of basically leading him on and then having to deal with him when he's SUPER attached to you. Besides, you both deserve people with whom you share a mutual or at least similar level of attraction/interest.
I fell in love with my best friend.
'nuff said really, haha.
Nah, he doesn't feel the same, he made that clear, and now we're still managing to be friends.
I'm crazy about him, but it's just a matter of getting over it really. I probably won't even remember his name when I get to 30. I take comfort in that, XD
i'm ALWAYS in a lopsided relationship, because i'm afraid of getting taken for granted and eventually getting dumped. basically, i don't let myself fall for someone unless they're willing to catch me.
I can relate to your situation, but i don't know if i can give the best advice on it... i guess i'm just here to say you're not the only one! :]
i'd tell him anyway. if he's psycho, it's better to just cut off all ties anyway, win-win situation for you.
I'm always the one who loves the other person more. It makes me want to smack myself in the face all the time.
A neighbor. Fell in like with me when I was... 12? [Can't really remember.] Then out. Then back in like when I was 13. I liked him too, but I wasn't ready to date. Over time, he professed his love for me. He officially asked me to be his girl three different times. Each time I turned him down... but although that saddened him, he continued to try to talk to me.
Sometimes I wouldn't talk to him, but only because I'd find out he was increasingly infatuated with me, and perhaps obsessed, to the point where he'd drive himself to do things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable.
Despite all that, and the fact we both moved on [at least I have--not sure about him], we're friends right now. Not close-knit, but friends nonetheless.
As for other guys... yeah, my ex's liked me more than I liked them. It's never cool.
I'm often in a very serious bad case of what you've got. The difference is, I'm on a pedestal and viewed as SO MUCH more amazing than the man, that I can do no wrong. In that sense, I don't know if you can relate.
You need to tell him that you aren't willing to rush into true love, but you're excited the possibility of a more-than-friends thing with him. Tell him you need your space (and maybe use a no fail reason--"I'm still settling into this year's college scene" for example) but wouldn't mind going on a few dates. Something like that. Give him the benefit of the doubt. You may find you like him more than you think... or not.
All of my potential relationships have been uneven, really (they also never turned into dating relationships). I'm in the same situation as you are actually.. I'm a freshman in college too, and this guy I know right now seems to like me way more than I like him.. I really don't like anyone right now, so it's not that big of an accomplishment, but.. it kinda makes me feel bad. He realizes he's socially awkward and he probably would think that was why, but really I'm just not interested in actual relationships. And... well, this sounds terrible, but he's way too nice. I do kind of avoid him, because it makes me feel kind of awkward at times.
We both love each other, but we can't be because he's a bad person. I have to move on
I've been in the same situation. I liked him but I wasn't willing to ruin a good friendship for something that probably wouldn't work out. He was. After I told him how I felt it ended badly, he wouldn't talk to me for the longest time. I respected that because I knew I hurt him so I gave him his space. You're just going to have to tell him how you feel because he's going to end up getting hurt no matter what. The longer you put it off the harder it's going to get.
Try googling ladder theory...there's an interesting piece on disparity... Should explain all of this real quick...
I loved him more and nothing else could have happened but me ending up hurt.