This is a guest blog submitted by breakingthemold. Okay, this guy and I both ended separate relationships a few months ago. We've been interested in each other for a long time (before we were with our exes) but complications and drama and miscommunication and....yeah, you get the picture.
So we each started dating other people...but now we've both been single for a few months and really would like to start dating each other (finally!).
But both of our families and some of our friends are encouraging us to wait before we make it "official". His ex hasn't taken too kindly to everything and there are lots of hurt friends and family, so we've agreed to wait at least six months before making it official, much as we both hate it.
Is it a good idea to wait a certain amount of time after your last breakup before starting a relationship with someone else? If so, how long is a good time to wait?
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Comments (53)
His ex shouldn't have any say in his current relationship, or relationship-to-be, as it stands. They broke up, and as much as she doesn't like it, it's none of her business.
Also, how is this hurting your family? That bit I don't understand, although I might have misread something...?
i really think its best to wait after ending an relationship, since the other person "MAY" still have feelings for the other person. but thats just my thought.
As soon as you feel comfortable with it. Other people should never be able to tell YOU how to live YOUR life.
Like pikachuu said, you want to make sure both of you are really over your exes. You also want to make sure you're both emotionally stable- just because two people are attracted to each other doesn't mean they're ready to be together. But waiting for the sake of other people? No, I think that's awful. Your relationship is about you and the person you want to be with. It's not about what the exes think or what the family thinks. Date or don't date because of your own feelings, not someone else's.
It is my personal opinion that your relationships are solely between you and the other person, (until marriage, and then it goes into a whole other ballpark..). Same goes for him. His ex and him are no longer together, therefore the decision for you both to date should by relying on you. As far as hurt family members go, again, this is YOUR life. As much as your family may feel entitled to being a part of your love life, or as much as they may have involved with the last relationship, they should not be stifling your involvement with this new guy. Especially if you have had feelings for him for so long.
after a break up, it's always good to realize that you're happy being single, then you know you are not dating someone for rebounding.
The way I see it is that right off the bat, you perhaps don't want to start a new relationship with another person. There's always tend to be left over feelings from the previous relationship and one should not start dating until the person has gotten over it. With that being said, if you're ready and the other person ready is to start a new relationship, go for it. You can't put your life on hold for someone else.
That is just my opinion.
@wewong@xanga - completely agree with you.
It's always a good idea to wait. Better to be safe than sorry, I think.
Although it may be tough to wait it out, propelling yourself into another relationship so quickly isn't a smart choice. You may have a lot of feelings for this guy, but you should see how things pan out before you jump into anything. Since you just got out of a relationship, you need to be single for a little bit and let all the lingering feelings for your ex dissipate. Take this time to find yourself and take a hiatus.
This time off can actually be beneficial to you - you can also spend some time observing and examining this guy you're interested in. It can help you evaluate how great he would be as your boyfriend, and if you think he's the guy for you, then you'll be glad you took the time to see all sides. On the other hand, if you find out he's not right for you, you'll also be glad that you didn't impulsively enter a relationship.
Waiting is a sign of maturity, but there is no distinct amount of time that you should wait. Only you know if it's the right time to start something new. Everyone's different, and everyone has different standards of being ready.
i don't think it should be a set "time period" that you have to wait... rather, it depends mostly on how each person feels towards their past relationships.
you really have to be over the last person you were with before you start a new relationship or someone will end up hurt. but if you both know what you feel for each other is real, and not just a rebound, then i think it's justified for you two to get together.
6 months is a long time to wait if you really have an attraction and forcing yourselves to wait so long may eventually be detrimental to your relationship... so i say just go for it.
just make sure neither one of you are rebounding. wait as long as you have to, be it 2 weeks or 6 months. only you two will know when the time is right.
Waiting is good sometimes. It really is hard to know when is the right time because if you wait too long, that's not good either. It depends on both of you. I'm sure you'll both know. And besides, the ex should never have a say in the relationship.
It truly really is up to the two of you and no one else should have a say in it. However, it may be a better choice to wait some time. Just date for now. Especially if there are a bunch of peers who are still trying to get used to your exes being exes now, let them get used to that idea before moving on.
That's usually more difficult when ending a relationship, are the people surrounding the couple who have grown so accustomed to the couple being a couple. In my experience they cause more trouble than it's worth, and even though we may be in our right minds to not listen to their disapprovals, what they say could heavily imbed itself into the back of our minds, influencing our thoughts, feelings and actions towards who we want to start anew with. It would then be unfair to the other.
Of course after a certain time, if everyone else hasn't gotten over it, then just do it already.
I don't think there's a set amount of time you need to wait. As long as both of you feel ready and you're over your exes, go for it. Sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes it doesn't. It depends on how long the couple was together, how in love the couple was, the personalities of the people involved, etc.
First of all, I don't think the exes have a say on what you do after your relationship with them has ended. Furthermore, you should of the time after that relationship as a time to regroup and sort things out. There might be feelings still attached if you don't take enough time. Personally, months are not good enough for me, and I wouldn't necessarily think about someone else even if my current relationship is a dead end.
So many people here seem to be repeating the idea that the relationship is about you and your guy, and that you have every right to do what you want. And yes, since your relationships with your exes are officially over, you do have that right.
But that doesn't take away from the harsh fact that people will get hurt in this situation. It sounds as if his, in particular, still hasn't fully moved on, in
which case she's going to get hurt regardless of how long you two wait. If she finds out about the two of you, she's going to start thinking that he was into you the entire time they were together. She's going to start thinking that her relationship with him was all a lie. Her heart is going to break all over again. Whether or not you're the rebound girl doesn't matter-- His ex is going to feel pain.
So the real question here isn't how you and your guy feel about each other, but about how you feel about your exes.
Does he want to be friends with his ex? Does he genuinely care about her feelings? Because if he does, then he needs to, as a friend, handle her feelings in a responsible and respectful manner. Maybe he'll have to just shield his developments with you from her entirely. Maybe he'll have to hold off on dating you until she's in a better place.
But in figuring out how he's going to handle her, he might find that he's having a hard time lying to her, waiting out on being with you, and being responsible for her feelings. So he might have to admit that he can't be her friend and start cutting her out of his life. And that's fine. In fact, perhaps preferable. But again, he should do it in a responsible manner. It doesn't have to be a big declaration or a sudden amputation. She probably already knows that she and he are going to part ways eventually. So all he has to do is gradually call her less often. Gradually stop answering her calls. Stop seeing her in person. If she's still pouring her heart out to him, he should gently encourage her to see a therapist. (And stress that there's nothing wrong with that.) If she notices that he's withdrawing and makes a fuss about it, he should gently say that he's trying to move on by keeping himself busy (be as vague as possible), and that she should do the same. Hopefully, with time, she'll feel less of a need to talk to him at all, which means that she's on her way to seeing her life without him. Seeing him move on won't be as devastating once she's no longer depending on him for anything.
It sucks that finding a new relationship sometimes means having to give up these people who you do genuinely care about. But from my own recent breakup, I do think a separation, however painful, is necessary. It's better to move on entirely on your own and not know about what your ex is doing to move on. Then, by the time everyone feels good about where they are, friendships can be reignited without all the stepping around eggshells.
Unless you want your new relationship to be a rebound, you should definitely wait. The time varies by the person. When you think you're both ready, but I would say at least a couple months.
I don't think it is a good idea to "schedule" a relathionship. I mean, who knows what will happen between now and then? If you guys have mutual feelings for each other as you have implied in the post..... then go for it! You know.. this could be another one of those "misunderstanding/ miscommunication/ drama" times you guys missed each other... BUT make sure that he's feelings are same as yours. B/c if he was the one to say "lets wait 6 months".. then it means that he's not over his ex yet!
Good luck!
Though his ex shouldn't really have a say in what goes on in his future relationships, it is best to wait some time before starting a new one, especially if the previous relationship was serious. It's just kind of a common courtesy to your ex not to start dating someone new a week after you broke up from let's say a 1+ year relationship. I personally think that 6-months is a long time to wait, especially if both people are ready to start dating again.
I say date and just keep it on the down low. I don't know how good of a suggestion this is but I think that would be what I would do in this situation, but in the end you have to do what YOU feel is right.
I think it's a good idea to give yourself some time after you first get out of a relationship with someone. Once you feel like you're ready to date again, I don't think there's anything that should stop you. What the two people in the relationship want is the only thing that should really matter.
I didn't wait around at all. I think it's up to the person involved. If you feel like you're ready to be in a relationship, go for it. Just be sure that you really want a relationship and it's not just a rebound guy/gal that you're looking for.
i say just do what your heart tells you. if your friends are not ready then they have to deal.
yes, at least 3 months.
I think 2 months is enough.