This is the original author's response to this
post.A lot of you have
brought up age. Just to let you know, I just turned 19 in August. I know I'm not
real old, but I'm definitely not a high schooler either. You say that since I'm
of age, I should be able to do what I want and not have them control me. Wrong.
I guess you kind of have to live with my parents to understand them. Or maybe
you don't. Maybe I'm just afraid of them.
You also gave the idea to teach
him Chinese values & the language. Not so easy considering I don't even know
enough Cantonese to be able to carry on a conversation for very long. As for the
culture/values, I don't know much about that either. I have a very distant
relationship with my parents, which is part of the reason it's so hard to talk
to them about this. I guess I wouldn't know how to sit them down and tell them
about him.
We haven't been dating for too long - about 4 months, really.
But I'm tired of hiding it.
I just want them to be aware
of what's going on and accept it. I want to know that I am able to date who I
want and won't be looked down upon. It's especially hard because I rarely see
him and when I do, it's because I'm either sneaking out or sneaking him in. I
think you also have to know that I'm not treated as if I'm 19. I'm treated as if
I'm 9. My parents have this whole concept of "you live under my roof, you live
with my rules". And I'm fine with that, minus the whole not being allowed out,
and not being allowed to date.
I think I forgot to mention that, too. I'm
not allowed to date until after I get out of college. I don't agree with this at
all (obviously) but I want to be honest with them. But seeing as they're so
strict, it's hard.
Somebody mentioned my comment about not being able to
click with Chinese men. It's not that I'm not willing to. Believe me. I lived in
Daly City for 14 years and that city is populated with Filipino and Chinese
people. I currently live in San Francisco and a lot of my guy friends are
Chinese. I just happened to meet my boyfriend and we clicked really well. I'm
not a person who looks at nationality as a big deal. I could care less what you
are. As long as we click, then we're cool.
Thanks for all your
suggestions though!
What's the best way to reason with super strict parents who agree with your views on dating?
Comments (28)
This may not be best for everyone, but I said "Fuck 'em" and went on living my own life.
If you can't sit down and talk with them, write out your feelings and leave the paper(s) strategically laying around. Works for my parents.
I'm dealing with this issue from the opposite end. I'm the girl he wants to date but can't, because his Chinese parents don't want him dating until he graduates. It's difficult, and I guess I'm a little lucky, because I don't think my nationality (Caucasian) is a big issue with them. They like me a lot as his friend, his best friend, even. Just not his girlfriend. So they don't know, and it's hard. Most of my friends don't understand the situation, and think he should just ignore them and do what he wants, but I know he can't.
Right now we're just seeing each other when we can, talking a lot, and hoping to ease his parents into the idea slowly. Best of luck to you!
You're lucky you're allowed to be dating at all. I was 19 and my parents didn't want me to date my current bf. It's been a little over 2 years later. It takes time for asian parents to get use to things. Just give them time.
If you "live under their roof, then you live
with their rules." Otherwise, get independent.
In dealing with parents, ask them what are the essential non-negotiable things for them about your SO and why, and then start addressing the why. Usually it's not just "he's not Chinese enough," but something deeper than that.
I understand the whole "you're living under my roof, you'll follow my rules" thing. My parents are from India and it was that way when I lived with my mom before i went to college and that is the way it is every time i go home. It is respectful to follow their rules when you are there and you should. However, there is nothing wrong with trying to talk to them and building/strengthening your relationship with them in order to make some changes.
If they're anything like my parents, if you try to talk to them you won't be able to get a word in edgewise. So write out what you want to say. Go over it a few times before you share it with them. Support your assertions and the changes you would like with reasons. Make it clear that you don't want to disrespect them or go behind their backs and so are telling them up front how you feel. Just let them know that you are growing up, you are your own person and that you want to compromise on some points. Don't be scared of them. I was so afraid of my mother but i've found that if i talk to her she is usually quite willing to listen. Good luck!
same thing happens to me,with my current boyfriend exactly,and i still dont know how to tell my parents...they're so not with not-chinese-boyfriend...
my friends told me that it's my own life,my own decision,but then thinking about my parents' effort of taking care of me this whole time,i really don't know how to tell that i'm so in love with this guy... :(
i'm staying far from my parents,in other city,so my parents won't know when i'm hanging out with him...i don't tell my boyfriend either bcs i don't want him to know that actually i'm not allowed to date him...until now,we've been dating more than 7 months and i still let things hanging like this bcs i don't know what i should do...
maybe give parents some time first,then slowly try to open their mind about these nationality thingy,it's not that time anymore when parents chose a husband or a wife for their son or daughter...we have our own opinion about things that we should talk to parents about...so all the best for you ! :)
I'm on the same page :P
Been in NYC's Chinatown for 99.9% of my life and barely know anyone who's not chinese. Family is totally chino-traditional especially about the whole dating after college thing.
I hid my bf from my family at first too. If you don't feel comfortable telling them straight out first, maybe you can let them meet your bf first as a "friend"?
That's what I did and over time, they got along and soon my parents trusted him enough and just.. figured out by themselves that he is my bf. And since they got to know him before hand, they seem okay with it :)
i'm kind of curious as to why you're living at home at age 19, personally.
Wow, you're problems are very similar with mine. Especially the "You live under my roof, you live with my rules".
I think the only advise anyone can give you now is to move out. Otherwise your relationships will continue to be strained until one is broken, which means the other will be tense and uncomfortable because there will always be harsh feelings about the ultimatum you face. There's not much else you can do, really. But it's a good idea to get out into the world on your own, anyway.
I say get a job and find your own place. If your parents don't like it, that's too damn bad because you're going to do it eventually. If they can't be proud of your life, it's not your job to try and make them. They'll come around sooner or later.
Best of luck. :)
Haha, after one of my friend's problem got posted on datingish, I found out that datingish/xanga doesn't give all that good advice (some are). A lot of the advices were too bad, deal with it, and no, life isn't all about dealing with things, it's about living it in the least possible hell one can.
I have a very strict mother myself and whenever I need help I ask grandma, she always makes her say yes.
Well, being a Chinese guy, in high school, it was kinda awkward at first. I went out with a Caucasian girl. My mom knew about it and she was fine with it. However, my dad wasn't. But whatever, I just went ahead with it. He learned to accept it by then. But, it seems your parents are more strict since you are a girl. Asian parents are always tough on their daughters. But, just introduce him, try to have them at least know him and it would be much easier.
What generation are you, second? I think one thing that would make a good conversation with your parents would be discussing the differences of one person being Chinese ethnically and culturally. The differences between the two, what they expect, and where you are regarding all of that.
LOL. Oh man, you should've seen how my mom & grandma flipped when they found out about my bf during my first year of college. I'm chinese and I still live at home, yes at the age of 27. (I'm not embarrassed about it.) It took my mom YEARS to accept my non-chinese bf. They tried to stop me from being with him. My mom would constantly call my cell when I was out and she'd lecture me whenever possible. I didn't bring my bf around for the longest time. Like you, I'd sneak out for a few hours after everyone went to bed or I'd sneak him in for a few hours. He'd leave at 5am, before my mom had to wake up for work. It was the toughest first few years of our relationship.
My grandma accepted my bf almost immediately because she saw how happy I was with him and how much I wanted to be with him. (Grandparents always spoil their grandkids) My mom finally "accepted" my bf after about 6 yrs into the relationship. I once asked my mom why she never accepted my bf, she told me that she didnt think my bf was good enough for me. But I reasoned with her and convinced her that we're happy together and he was good to me. (He ended up cheating on me a few yrs later)
Long story short: Mom KNOWS BEST! It's tough when your parents are still "old fashioned" and of course they always want the best for you. My parents have gotten over the idea of marrying just Chinese boys. Hell, they also got over the idea about "marriage" altogether! With today's divorce rates, marriage isnt something people look forward to anymore. I'm the only daughter in my family, and I'm also the oldest. You can only IMAGINE what my life was like growing up in a traditional Chinese family. My parents refuse to let me move out simply because I'm a girl. I will always forever be their "baby" girl. And then to find out that my ex bf of 10 yrs cheated.... that only made my mom more strict.
Give your parents time... they need to "evolve" haha. It's sad but they have to see all the f*cked up stuff before they loosen up a bit. The reason why my parents are okay with me marrying non-Chinese boys is because I've had cousins marry non-Asian boys. In fact, I've had cousins that had babies out of wedlock. And you KNOW that's the worst possible thing that can ever happen to a Chinese girl. With that being said, all that stuff my cousins went through made me look like an angel haha. At the same time it opened up my parents' eyes and changed their views about being "traditional".
I have no good advice about this issue but I thought I'd share my experiences with you, in any event GOOD LUCK!
I understand the whole "live under my roof, follow my rules" spiel 'cause that's how it is at home for me too. I'm currently living back home now, having graduated from college [& with a ton of loans to pay back & no money in the bank to survive on my own -- for those wondering] & it's still the same deal. Keep in mind, I just turned 22. When I go out, sometimes I have to leave a name & number or at least call/text them to let them know I'll be back home late. I used to have a curfew of 11 up until last year.. I broke it [on purpose], I was in another state & knew I wouldn't get home til wayy after.. I didn't get home til 4am. [I'm usually not the kind of person who's out that late every weekend.] My mom got mad but I persisted.. I just waited a few more weeks before I did it again but not as late the next time around. I also had the "no dating until college" rule, which then turned into "no dating until after college" & again, I just pushed the limit. I am not the kind of girl to date around either as I've only had 2 boyfriends & I'm currently still with the second. :) By pushing them, I also meant talking.. I spoke with my parents about the boys in question & let them know that I wanted to date them & I was going to. It sounds simple but it worked. I think it also helps if you're getting good grades in school 'cause then they'll think you're ready & worry less. =X
That's only way I see you resolving this.. You're gonna have to push them & it's not gonna be easy as you're going to face resistance from them. You're also going to have to make it clear to them that you want to date other people who won't be Chinese but in no way do you mean to disrespect them. It might also help to understand why your parents are so against Caucasians/other races. I know you might have your speculations but you don't want to assume 'cause for all you know, it could be a completely different reason! I'm sure given time & your persistence, they'll come around. It's gonna stink for a while, I'm not gonna lie, but it'll be worth it in the end. You're just gonna have to remain strong & not let their negativity/attitude get to you. Good luck!
you should move out. get a job that pays rent and live your own life.
you just gotta show them you're responsible by chinese standards, then things might loosen up a bit. thank goodness my parents as immigrants from HK are not strict at all.
my parents are corean, they have issues, or I thought they did, but I told them about my current boyfriend and they were okay with it... Granted, I don't live with them anymore, so they can't really do anything about it, but still.... I think that a lot of the times, parents are more than you give them credit for.
But I totally understand about the constricted choked feeling that comes with being raised by conservative asian parents....
Good luck!
I've always believe that people shouldn't show their parents their own S.O until they know they are serious about each other, as in potentially marrying each other. At 19, after four months, you're not sure if he's the one. I think you're leaning toward proving a point to your parents that has nothing to do with dating, or your boyfriend. I think you're trying to prove to your parents that you are independent, grown, and adult enough to handle an adult relationship. What's the trouble in hiding the relationship for awhile, especially when you're not even allowed to date? But if you do want to tell your parents, just gradually release the information to them, as in, you've started dating someone great. He's this old, taking this major in college, he treats me well. And every few weeks tell them something new and good about your boyfriend. Then tell them that he's not Chinese at the end. You tell them he's not Chinese right away, they won't even have open ears to hear you talk about his good traits.
Well, I'd just use one line to parents who are overly strict especially to daughters... "Don't complain nor rush me into getting married when I hit 30 or have some matchmaking session because you were so strict when I had a bf at 19 and refused to let me have a bf then." Saying that in Cantonese seems more effective haha. Don't worry about it, actually, they will learn to accept your bf and choices in no time. Afterall, you are in the USA. Good luck!
Though I am not Chinese and do not necessarily understand exactly what is going on in your situation, I do think that you should tell your parents as soon as possible. Because the longer you wait, the more upset they will become not only with the fact that he's not Chinese, but also since you kept this from them for so long. If they care for your happiness, they will eventually have to accept you and your bf. Part of the reason they may want you to have a Chinese BF is because you said so yourself, you do not know a lot of Cantonese and arent very knowledgeable in the culture, so perhaps they may want the BF to step in and teach you all these things. If that is the case, then you can always work out a compromise. If you and this BF, or any other BF become serious and start to contemplate the thought of marriage, offer to take some kind of classes together to learn more about the culture and maybe even become more fluent in the language. That way, your parents won't necessarily see you dating someone who is not Chinese as an act of rebellion.
Just remember, this is your happiness you're dealing with here. Date and marry for the love you have for someone, not their culture and language.
I sympathize with people who have to go through that.
My mom used to be like that but changed drastically, especially since the divorce. My dad has no say with us.. I guess. Since my mom is more open minded she encourages me to date white men.
I don't think you need to rush into telling your parents. If your parents find out about your bf, just tell them he's your good 'friend' and tell them little by little about him. Being Chinese, I understand how strict Chinese parents say 'no dating before college'. But when they see you are serious, and they know that the guy is treating you well, a different race really means nothing to them.