This is a guest blog submitted
by a Datingish reader.In my most recent relationship, I was with
my (now ex) boyfriend for about a year and a half. We're both 23. We were
together towards the end of college and then got jobs in the same area after
graduation - this was a serious relationship for both of us. When we got jobs
and moved away from college, we didn't have ANY friends in the area. All we had
was each other - and his brothers and sisters in the area. They're all in their
late twenties to early thirties, and they're either married or going to get
married.
And because we were in a serious relationship, my ex and I
played around with ideas about our future - getting married, buying a house and
having kids. But as time went on, I felt a little bit uncomfortable. We were
pretty much living together.
Aside from work, I'd be with him
24/7.
I'd always go to his family gatherings with him and the rest of the
couples. Birthdays, holidays, family dinners, everything. I was like his
housewife, obligated to hang out with other housewives. I cooked, I cleaned, I
did the laundry. I felt that I was losing my sense of self.
I think the
expectation of marrying someone and living the rest of your lives together
should make you excited and happy...and NOT bring you down.
Because of
this, our lack of friends in the area and a few other issues we had, I
eventually ended the relationship. I felt that at 23 I shouldn't need to be
tied down to something that makes me feel 40.
If you're in a serious
relationship, when is the right time to be thinking about marriage? And what
age is too young to be thinking about it?
Comments (157)
@Nicole - that's a real beautiful story.
first of all, I don't think getting married is getting a maid...the guy should be responsible for half the chores. 2nd, I think the right time for me is when I can't see myself with anyone else even if someone more beautiful or smarter or whatever come along.
@politicsislife@xanga -
I disagree. Marriage is worth it, if you choose the right person. Marriage doesn't have to be about "control" -- it should be about mutual self-sacrifice and giving. I used to think that marriage was stifling and controlling, too, until I began reading some of the late Pope John Paul II's writings on the Theology of the Body and realized what the model for marriage ought to be. Even if you aren't Catholic, JPII's writings on marriage and family are quite thought-provoking -- a completely different and happier model than what popular culture gives us. My marriage isn't perfect, but that is the model we aspire to.
As for opportunities missed, there are missed opportunities no matter what path we take in life. When I chose to marry, I closed myself off to some possibilities -- but I opened myself up to others. I don't go out to bars or parties very often now as I might have when I was single, but I also have discovered some new interests and have had great experiences that didn't involve a bar or club. Closing some doors is simply the risk we take for being human and not being able to pursue all paths simultaneously. So I think advising people not to get married because they will lose some opportunities is rather short-sighted -- they will also gain other opportunities by marrying.
And take it from me, you can be married and travel, or even study abroad.
--
As for the original question, I don't think there is an age that is "too young" to get married. On the one hand, people who marry very young can have problems because of their immaturity or incomplete identities. But on the other hand, those who marry later can have problems because they are so set in their ways that they cannot mesh their lives very well with their spouse -- the two never become one. Either is a problem. So, I think the age depends on the maturity of the person, and the strength of the relationship.
I also think living together is a bad idea. People who think living together will strengthen their marriage are generally wrong -- the statistics show higher divorce rates for couples who lived together prior to marriage.
I personally don't like most of the things people have said in the comments to this. Marriage is different for everyone, you just know when it's the right time, it's supposed to be one of those love at first sight, butterflies in the tummy, can't live without you sorta things, and you have to be seperated. Personally I believe if you have never been seperated from one another you don't know if you can live without them. If you can, then maybe it's not the best, think about why you're in the relationship and what's holding it together. By seperated I mean you don't need to see each other every day. I am in a military relationship, when we first got together we spent every single day together and I loved it, but when it came time for him to leave I was heartbroken, every letter I got in the mail made my stomach do flip-flops, every very rare phone call made me so overcome with emotion I would often cry I was just that happy. Being seperated has made me see I can't live without him. When I first met him over two years ago, I told him, "I'm going to marry you someday." and for some reason his answer was, "For only knowing you for an hour, I think so to." I am 18. I am happy. I may not be in a situation where I can financially support myself but we aren't trying to jump the gun yet. It's not fair to say I'm too young. You don't know. I'm 18 and in love so why does it matter?
I married the first time at 19, it lasted until I was 28. I married the second time at 33 and I want to believe I was smarter the second time. If you have any doubts, don't do it. I had a lot of doubts when I was younger, but thought that was what I "should do". This time I waited until it felt like the right thing to do, not what I "should do".
@Zain99@xanga - Not patronizing. Just speaking on equal par, from experience and what I've learned. I find it interesting how of all posts, I'm mistaken for patronizing. I suppose truth is offensive =)
I say age shouldnt be an issue!
it really depends on what the relationship is like i guess...