This is a guest blog submitted
by a Datingish reader.In my most recent relationship, I was with
my (now ex) boyfriend for about a year and a half. We're both 23. We were
together towards the end of college and then got jobs in the same area after
graduation - this was a serious relationship for both of us. When we got jobs
and moved away from college, we didn't have ANY friends in the area. All we had
was each other - and his brothers and sisters in the area. They're all in their
late twenties to early thirties, and they're either married or going to get
married.
And because we were in a serious relationship, my ex and I
played around with ideas about our future - getting married, buying a house and
having kids. But as time went on, I felt a little bit uncomfortable. We were
pretty much living together.
Aside from work, I'd be with him
24/7.
I'd always go to his family gatherings with him and the rest of the
couples. Birthdays, holidays, family dinners, everything. I was like his
housewife, obligated to hang out with other housewives. I cooked, I cleaned, I
did the laundry. I felt that I was losing my sense of self.
I think the
expectation of marrying someone and living the rest of your lives together
should make you excited and happy...and NOT bring you down.
Because of
this, our lack of friends in the area and a few other issues we had, I
eventually ended the relationship. I felt that at 23 I shouldn't need to be
tied down to something that makes me feel 40.
If you're in a serious
relationship, when is the right time to be thinking about marriage? And what
age is too young to be thinking about it?
Comments (157)
to think someone should be at least 25 to be married is...well, dumb. what, you're not mature enough at 24, but once you hit 25, you're magically ready to get married and are mature enough to do so? don't think so...
oh, as a kicker, when my fiance and i get married in january 2009, i'll be 25 and 2 weeks, but he'll be 24 and 11 months. i don't think that means I"M ready to get married but HE"S not.
you're ready to get married when you're ready emotionally, financially, etc. there is no right age. i had a friend who was married at 17 but so mature beyond her years. on the other hand, i have friends who are 28 and still partying every night.
My ex asked me to marry him when I was 17...NOT A GOOD IDEA (of course, being all "we're in love! we're gonna be together forever!" I said yes). It didn't work out at all and I'm glad we didn't get married. I definitely think 17 is too young to be even considering marriage. You've typically had little to no life experience as an independent adult and your personality and ideas are bound to change: not necessarily a good thing if you've already married by then.
I'd have to be financially stable and really sure that this person is the right for me. Who knows what might happen in the future, but I have to trust my gut feeling and know they're right for me. I don't want to rush into anything, and if they can't deal with that, maybe they're not right for me.
1) When you and your SO are tire of partying and is ready to settle down.
2) When you and your SO both have the same goal in life.
3) When you or/and your SO are financially stable.
I believe that all three need to exist for people to have a healthy marriage. If one is missing it is a greater chance of separation. I don't think that people should get marry only because of love. I am more of a realist. Love is not good enough, that why there is a high divorce rate in the US.
@ToxicWishes@xanga - haha yeah, i raised my eyebrows when my friend said she got married at 17...but like i said, this girl is mature beyond her years...she grew up very fast because her parents divorced and weren't the ideal parents, so she practically raised herself. she started working full time when she turned 18, saved up, and she and her husband bought their first house when she was 21.
she and her husband have been married for 15 years now and are still going strong. of course, this is a VERY rare case of an early marriage!
I think it should be when both parties are financially independent and the relationship is mature enough to carry onto the next stage.
I think your post has the wrong focus. The problem was not your age when you were considering marriage.
Sounds like you two were living together. Bad idea.
The Bible says don't live together before marriage. That is for good reason. Statistics prove that those who live together before marriage often do not end up being married and those that do end up being married do not have marriages that last.
If you are serious about marriage, you need to honor one another and do not sleep together before you are married. Sex is sacred and should only happen between two married people. Your relationship with that other person will be stronger if you two make the commitment to wait until marriage.
There are all sorts of unexpected consequences for sexual trysts that occur outside of marriage. Trust me, I know. I was born to an unwed teenage mother. I mentor foster kids who were often born in a similar difficult circumstances and their mothers were put under a lot of strain raising them alone and didn't treat them well.
Intimacy without lifelong commitment is just plain not good.
What the hell is with everyone focusing on marriage? I'm nineteen and I'm dating my best friend of four years. We moved into an apartment together at the start of college, both because it was financially easier, and because it wasn't a full and total commitment.
We've lived together for a good time now and everything is absolutely wonderful, I don't feel tied down, and I believe that we're stronger together then we would have been apart.
The benefits of an apartment instead of a marriage? Leases can be broken. Marriages are a permanent mark in your history.
I got engaged when I was 18. And married that guy. And I got engaged after only being with him for 3 months. I'm about to turn 25 and things are still good. I dunno. It never really didn't feel right.
When you think that your relationship would grow even more due to marriage. Well, that's what I think anyways. I'm far too young. However, I wouldn't put an age limit on myself. I would want to get married whenever I want -- it doesn't matter whether too young or too old.
Marriage...game over.
I think it depends on a lot of different factors.
One of the biggest factors is probably maturity.However, divorce is MUCH more likely when the marriage takes place before the age of 24.
I guess different stuff works for different people.It's kind of sad because I know quite a few people who have lost their identity because of a relationship that they're too afraid to get out of. Best part? They're not even 18 yet.
Oh well.I know I won't get married until later on.I have the maturity, but not the experience.Plus, I kind of want to travel and such before I marry.That's just me, though :)
there is no "right age" for marriage. Some people choose to be bachelors before even considering the thought of marriage well into their 30s. I think it depends on you, your SO, and many other important details. It's important to be financially stable and to understand the realization that being married isn't the same as just being in a relationship that's all lovey-dovey all the time. It's being with a certain person for the rest of your life and knowing that there will be hard times to face and that you can't just walk away and run out the door like you would be able to when you were merely dating.
But....if marriage isn't for you, don't lead a person on who actually wants to get married someday.
Another point I wanted to make is that it's also only in recent history that marrying young is even an issue. Back then it was common for young teenage women to get married and start having children before it became common for women to have careers and independence. Like so many others have said in reply to this post, it's the maturity levels and the ability to make commitment of the people involved that build a lasting marriage. Also a big factor is being able to healthily fight and then resolve your issues. My brother was married young but got divorced because he and his wife couldn't figure out how to resolve an ongoing fight they'd been having and it just kept building up a strain on them. He is the only one I know personally though not to make a young marriage last; I know plenty of folks that got married young and are still together and very happy because it was right for them. It makes me so sad the lack of faith people have in young marriages.
Like SnowGlobe2954 said, it's all about being personally ready and not about being the right age. Asking the following questions about yourself and your potential mate can be very telling about readiness to marry: 1)Are you/they mature? 2) Are you/they selfish? 3) Do you/they have unresolved issues from your past? 4) Are you/they happy on your own? These things are key indicators as to whether you or your mate is ready to be in a serious relationship.
@cubancutiepie@xanga - Being fulfilled on a personal level brings tremendous value to a relationship.
most people (in the US especially) aren't finished developing their personalities, character, and brains until they're about 25. and that's ignoring the $$$ entirely...o the fun of high student debt in the US!
so unless you're really uber-mature and everyone you've ever met agrees how amazingly mature you are, getting married before 25 is usually a mistake that results in horrors.
that being said, I have one friend who got married at 22, but it was fine because he managed to find a girl who also loved spending her saturdays teaching English to refugees, arguing about theology and social justice, and celebrating jewish holidays, among other things.
since i want to have my first kid my 25-26, i guess 24-25? :P
i guess the right time to get married is when you feel that it's right, and youre mature enough to understand what being married means.
i was engaged from when i was 16 to when i was 18, and i regretted my decision half a year after i said yes. i clearly wasn't mature enough to know what marriage means and how to handle myself, him and the situation we were in.
now im 20, not yet engaged again, but maybe soon to be. (who knows?) i feel like im up for it. ive been together with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, we've been living together for 9 months. i understand what being married means. i know that relationships might fail, and what a relationship needs to work. i know how to handly myself. i know how to handle him. we have similar plans for the future, we even made some for a future together and they're getting more precise every time we talk about it.
still, im not going to get married before i have lived under the same roof with my boyfriend for at least 2 years. i have to be sure. he knows and understand this. we dont want to rush things, but we're sure.
i guess it all depends on maturity. i feel ready to get married at 20, but i wont do it yet, because i know the risks. my best friend got married last year and the divorce is already filed for, because it didnt work out. that can happen. i wont take that risk, because marriage is a one time thing for me.
I see it this way. Even if you're in a serious, long-term relationship, you shouldn't really be thinking about marriage. Not every serious relationship will result in marriage. I'd like to remain realistic and just see how things pan out while I'm dating someone.
In your case, you were fresh out of college so you had a lot of life decisions to make. Thinking about marrying your SO at that point was really not a good idea. Although you may be going steady, being that young... you're still figuring out what you want in life. You still have to prioritize for yourself. There's no point in getting too committed when you're so lost, because it just causes a lot more problems and it can potentially pull a couple apart.
@porcelainx27@xanga - Totally agree. Age limits are just irrational. Everyone is different, and it all depends on those two people.
@oOBuBBLes711Oo@xanga - Judging from the content in your blog, I could see why you would say that people under 25 should not get married. But despite your own blatant immaturity, there are many others UNDER 25 that have worlds more maturity than people over 25.
If you are financially and emotionally ready to take the step, you'll know it. You won't need any convincing, there will be no doubts, and no amount anyone says will deter you from your decision.
I'm 21 and getting married next August, and I couldn't be happier to spend my life with the man I love.
Well there are a lot of different factors involved. I think that when both you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are independent and able to support yourself and a family (if you want one), it would be a good time to get married. Also, your feelings are important. Are you comfortable being around this person 24/7? Does he/she accept you for who you are or what you look like, even when you're old or not looking your best? Cuz that's what marriage is...it's a vow that's meant to be forever, right?
Also, before marriage, I have one piece of advice, which I'm sure most people probably already know about. Wait a LONG time before you decide to get married. Take several years to get to know them, even if you think they are the greatest person in the world. I have best friends that I've known for years and even now I'm learning new things about them, sometimes for the worst. You can't get to know a person's whole world in only a few years.
I think that 27 could be the turning point for a relationship to turn into marriage. Than you're not too young and not too old for doing it.
You've enjoyed your "young-adult" life and you're ready to be a family man.
Then 27 would be good.
Anyway, I don't want to get married..
I would tell you to honestly wait as long as you can!! I got married at age 20 and it has been almost 5 years now. (I should have taken it as a hint when she was out in the parking lot for 2 hours of the after-wedding.) But now, things are worse. I missed out on a lot of things that I should have been able to do as a college student. There were so many trips that I could have done, like Russia, Ukraine, Spain, UK..etc.. Now, I will never be able to do that. What's more, in a marriage... it seems like there is always this total control that the person seems to have on you... it is not worth it. Good Luck...