This is a guest blog submitted
by a Datingish reader.In my most recent relationship, I was with
my (now ex) boyfriend for about a year and a half. We're both 23. We were
together towards the end of college and then got jobs in the same area after
graduation - this was a serious relationship for both of us. When we got jobs
and moved away from college, we didn't have ANY friends in the area. All we had
was each other - and his brothers and sisters in the area. They're all in their
late twenties to early thirties, and they're either married or going to get
married.
And because we were in a serious relationship, my ex and I
played around with ideas about our future - getting married, buying a house and
having kids. But as time went on, I felt a little bit uncomfortable. We were
pretty much living together.
Aside from work, I'd be with him
24/7.
I'd always go to his family gatherings with him and the rest of the
couples. Birthdays, holidays, family dinners, everything. I was like his
housewife, obligated to hang out with other housewives. I cooked, I cleaned, I
did the laundry. I felt that I was losing my sense of self.
I think the
expectation of marrying someone and living the rest of your lives together
should make you excited and happy...and NOT bring you down.
Because of
this, our lack of friends in the area and a few other issues we had, I
eventually ended the relationship. I felt that at 23 I shouldn't need to be
tied down to something that makes me feel 40.
If you're in a serious
relationship, when is the right time to be thinking about marriage? And what
age is too young to be thinking about it?
Comments (157)
NEVER...it's a bad idea
I think you just "know" it's the right time. I was married once( (at 20) and have since divorced (at 24), but for us back then we just felt like it was now or never. It didn't work out over the long-haul, but I thought that was the right move at the time and so did she. I've moved on with my life since then and have never been happier in a relationship than I am right now. I hope that we get married one day, but neither of us are in a big hurry because we're happy with how things are and see no point in potentially messing up a good thing. I figure one day, we'll just know it's the right move, or else know that it won't work...it's just an instinct as far as I'm concerned.
Anyone under 25 should Not get married. You can think all you want...just as long as you dont act on it till yall are Real Adults.
It just depends.
I'm 19, and that's way too young for me.
theres is never a right time for marrige....you just know it
I was in your EXACT situation...to point of engagement ring-shopping. That was this time last year, and we broke up in January (not having been engaged) after a 4.5-year relationship. I think, like you, I realized that the relationship was not really growing and we weren't going anywhere as a couple - I was 26 and already slightly bitter about things. I finally realized that neither engagement nor marriage was going to make it "better."
I don't think there's necessarily an age limit on marriage - I know some very young people that have gotten married and have some of the best relationships I've seen. I know some people that got married much later in life, but had terrible relationships and the marriage was ended. I'm a firm believer that it's all about the "feeling" YOU get - not the feelings caused by situations around your, or by the fact that you hang out with a lot of married/engaged people.
If you are smart....never.
Marriage is obsolete.
I think that you should talk about marriage when you feel ready for it. If you were in a living together situation and it felt right and you were really happy, the idea of marriage should make you happy, and you would know it was something to consider.
I don't think there is an age limit on things like that. I do think
that you should wait until you're in a secure and stable place in life,
but I think that if I'm in that place before I'm 25 I will get married. My parents got married when they were 20/21 and are one of the happiest couples I've ever seen.
@oOBuBBLes711Oo@xanga - I don't think I'll get married before I'm 22-23, but I don't think people should impose age limits on it. If the love is true, and the relationship and people stable, what's the harm?
I wish I knew. I'm 23 in a relationship with a 26 year old who has hinted at marrige and kids. We already live together, and I know how you felt, I cook, clean, and feel like a fucking housewife. Sometimes its comforting and I want to do it, sometimes I feel smothered. So many of my friends are getting married or already have kids. I definately feel the pressure but haven't figured out how to deal with it.
depending on where you are in life and the experiences you've had, it's different for everyone. some people have been together for years and still are not married, while others marry only after meeting each other for 6 months---and both type of relationships work successfully. i guess it depends on how comfortable you are with each other because marriage is a BIG thing that can either make you fall more in love with the other person, OR make you uncomfortable and run away...
You'll know when it's the right time.
I know I'm not at that marrying age as there's still a lot about me I need to work on before I'm mature enough for that. That said, I think I have found the "one" & we've discussed our future [& came close to engagement shopping but I backed out 'cause it wasn't the right time & he agreed]. While we're still apart, I plan on moving closer to him in the next year but I've decided it will be a career move rather than a relationship move. We both worry that I'll be too dependent on him but I have decided that I'm going to create my own group of friends once I move down there, despite how hard it will be & how out of my element it is for me.. but I will do it for the health of our relationship. We have seen how detrimental it is to be with each other 24-7 & we don't want to repeat the same mistake. [That led to our "break up" several months ago.] If everything continues as it is & we continue to grow, I think it'll be anytime in the next 2-5 years.
I think the time for marriage is when the two people involved are in a stable financial situation and can afford to support themselves on their own - whenever that happens, I think, you're ready to marry.
However, if you're in your teens, I think the best course of action is to wait - mainly because they would be unable to meet the above premise.
For me? Early-to-mid twenties would be perfect :)
Ageism is alive and well, I see.
With regard to when, a relationship where the two of you see each other every day is probably going to progress differently from one where you see each other once a week or less. There's no blanket answer. However, studies suggest that if one year isn't enough to make up your mind on getting married to this person someday, anything longer than that is unlikely to help.
@oOBuBBLes711Oo@xanga - but whose place is it to decide when anyone is a "real adult?" Maturity isn't always exactly in line with actual age, remember.
i don't think there's a "right age for marriage.. it would say that it's probably different for everyone.. 23 wasn't the right age (too early) for u but it may be the perfect age for someone else while it may even be considered late for someone else in other part of the world..
Let's all stay single for life! Haha JK.
I don't know when the "right" time is but I'd like to be married by the time I'm 26.
There's no right age or wrong age (as long as you're legal). Some people are ready to marry when they're young, and for some, they might never be ready. I think it's important to make sure you're ready before getting married. You'll never be happy in a marriage you didn't want in the first place.
I was the opposite. We were together about three years and I loved feeling like a wife and talking about the future. I tried not to count on it, but when I started to, he cheated.
If you're with the right person, I have to say it's never too early. Or too late, for that matter. It will happen when it's supposed to.
@oOBuBBLes711Oo@xanga - That's really presumptuous to say that people under 25 shouldn't be married. There isn't a "right" age for when people are ready to handle a marriage; either it's right for you or it isn't based on the couple, not the age. I'm under 25 and married, and couldn't be happier.
You dont know how many things you said clicked with me. I am 20 and already married, i got married at 18. At the time, i thought i was doing something that would make me happy but i felt the same way you did later on down the road--tied down, feeling unfulfilled with my life and obligated to hang out with other women that were in my same boat--young and also married. Although i'm still married, there are a lot of things that i want to change about myself, my relationship and my outlook on life. If you see marriage as confining then obviously it's not going to be something you look forward to. If you look at it as something you do just to do it, then it wont make much sense later on down the road--BUT if you look at it as a union where the two of you help each other out and are there unconditionally for one another, you, naturally, are going to like the idea of it more. I think that if you feel uncomfortable, it's obviously not the right time for it. You are young, take your time and get to know yourself better. The right time, in my opinion, is when you feel fulfilled with your own life and want to bring that happiness into someone else's life.
@cubancutiepie@xanga - totally agree
26 or 27 would be the perfect age to me.By then you would probably have grown as an individual ,achieved a lot of goals learned to love your self and be mature and ready enough to make a life long commitment to someone.Love may know no age but love is not enough reason to get married.The time has got to be right.
When you can be around someone that you can be yourself around. That is when you should marry them....if you chose.
Before you can be in a good relationship you have to know who you are.....at 23-27 you don't know that. You just think it is the right thing to do because everyone else is doing it and that is what you have been taught to think is ok.
@Angelina_Everlong@xanga - I totally agree with everything you said, along with the fact that I also enjoy feeling like wife :)
I don't think it is rational nor fair to place an age limit on marriage that would apply to everyone. Everybody's different, matures at different paces and feels ready for commitment at different ages.
Just because say, someone was 25, does not necessarily mean they are more mature than a 16-year-old if the 16-year-old has experienced more in life.
I think, people know within themselves when they are ready for marriage and no one really has a right to judge or tell you when you should or should not. For example, I will only be 19 in January, however, I feel as though I could get married any day now. There have been many troubles in my life-time, which I have fought very hard to amend, and like someone else said, now that I feel fulfilled and happy, I wish to share it with someone else.
Thanks to a traumatic childhood, certain events forced me into maturity. My interests and thoughts are probably more comparable to a 30-year-old's than to kids of my own age.
But at the end of the day, if you feel daunted by the thought of being committed to a particular person for the rest of your life, then, no you're not ready for marriage. In fact, I'd be re-thinking whether or not that person was really right for me.