Mr. Lion
I told my friend she'd mess up her relationship if she continues to
argue with her boyfriend over small things. She has a tendency to take small, irrelevant issues and make them bigger than necessary, and she and her boyfriend have had countless fights because of it.
The biggest fight was on
Valentine's Day: She bought him a bunch of things he liked and put them into
a huge gift basket. He bought her a few shirts she liked from
Abercrombie.
The problem was she took time to write something in a
card and put the gifts together in the basket, but he just left the shirts
in the Abercrombie bag with a card inside. She got pissed and asked why he couldn’t take some time to
put them in a nice bag instead of the store bag.
Her exact words were, "Why couldn't he go to the f***ing 99-cent store for a bag?"
I
told her she was overreacting. Sometimes in a relationship one person
has to sacrifice more than the other until the other person finally
catches up; plus this was his first real relationship (according to
her) so he still had a lot to learn. She's a very nice girl, but when it
comes to relationships, she's very serious and small things matter to
her. It's also the reason for many of our disagreements but if I've
gotten used to her, he can, too.
Was she right to argue about her gift situation?
Should one person sacrifice more than the other until the other person catches up?
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Comments (129)
No, she was not validated.
And only to a point--that is, only if the other person is INTENDING to catch up. You can't just expect that the other person will recognize a gap in the giving... it needs to be brought up delicately and discussed.
This may some as a shock to some--but the opposite gender (or same gender in some cases) ISN'T PSYCHIC. I said it. I know. It's a surprise.
I think that if she put that gift basket together for him, it's because she wanted to. I know that I am a very careful gift selector and wrapper. I want the gifts I give people to mean something, and to look really nice. My fiancé is not like that. He likes to buy me gifts, but he's not big on flair. I think she over-reacted, big time.
Now, I don't think one person should sacrifice until the other catches up. If you're doing all sorts of nice things just to make them give back the same way, you're defeating the purpose of what you're doing. You should do things for the other because it makes you happy to do nice things for them and to make them happy, not for the selfish reason of forcing them to go above and beyond like you do.
If you want them to give as much as you, you need to carefully bring it up and discuss it rationally, not fly off the handle because they didn't do something the way you wanted.
Um definitely not, she should not have argued. Yeah it takes a dollar to get a freaking bag, but it also takes gas to get there and most people know, guys aren't the most thoughtful of creatures, even the gay ones.
My first impression of her, though you say she's nice, is that she's a total bitch and can't be grateful that he even GOT her a card? She should be happy he even GOT her something, most guys don't know what to get and just give you things you don't really want/need, like chocolate that will make your ass grow 2ft if you eat it all, candy, or flowers that will unavoidably die in a few days.
A few abercrombie shirts are a LOT MORE LONG LASTING!! And holy shit, a lot more expensive! I would probably feel shitty if I were the boyfriend because she put together a bunch of sentimental shit and expected a huge romantic gesture (unrealistc of most men) from her "newbie" boyfriend.
POOR HIM.
jesus christ superstar, she needs to chill out! while i would normally agree that the little things matter, arguing over stuff like that is just petty. i mean, seriously, does the gift bag REALLY matter when he got her things she liked and a card?
ps. little things as in...one time i fell asleep. i woke up and realized my fiance had put the blanket over me. if he didn't, fine, no big deal, but it was a nice gesture!
As a guy, I see nothing wrong with the store bag. hahah
if you count who is sacrificing more, then it's not really sacrifice, but just doing someone a favor. the guy should have known how bitchy his girlfriend is, and if he couldn't take it, then he would have broken up with her long ago over all those fights in the past. to me, she's a bitch, but some guys like that...
No, she had absolutely no reason to flip out. Why is a silly 99 cent bag important enough to hurt your bf for? She's being totally ridiculous and completely ignoring the fact that he payed enough attention to her that he bought her clothing that she liked. That can be an extremely difficult task for guys, even if they went shopping the week before at that exact store, he still has to go back later, remember which ones she liked, and know her size. As a gf, i would appreciate all that way more than a more colorful bag.
I say she needs to calm down. I got my husband something for Valentine's Day and I had searched for forever to find him a card I liked and I got nothing. It isn't important though. I know he loves me even though he didn't get me anything for Valentine's Day.
For her it shouldn't be what the gift was or how it was wrapped but the thought that counts. At least he got her something she would like.
Oh, and when David buys me something I would rather he leave it in the store bag otherwise it ends up getting wrapped with foil.
Also, both should make sacrifices. One will make more sacrifices in certain areas of the relationship than the other but they should be making equal amount of sacrifices.
Definitely over-reacting. What does it matter what the gift came in!? It's missing the point - the fact that she got a gift in the first place.
Sounds like someone needs to get off their "high and mighty" perch and take some lessons in gratitude...
How inconsiderate your friend is, no offense. She has totally no stance in that situation, let alone logic to even start an argument about it. How ridiculous...
While I do think relationships take a certain amount of compromise, you should never sacrifice elements of yourself (what makes you YOU). This whole situation with your friend isn't even related to making sacrifices, it's about growing up.
I am also one to put a lot of thought and time into gift giving and wrapping, but I do so knowing how unimportant it really is in the spectrum of things.
I think she overreacted, and needs to ease up in the nit-picking department.
This girl reminds me a lot of ... me.
My current boyfriend is someone who has never been in a relationship before, so I'm his first girlfriend. I fuss about a lot of trivial things, but sometimes I do have good reasons to do that. He can be ignorant. And it's hard 'cuz I know it's because hasn't had any prior experience, so he has a right to not know how to handle these situations (like the one you mentioned above). Sometimes I overreact, sometimes I'm perfectly reasonable for getting mad. I pick my battles, and I would never get pissed for something as little as lack of decoration.
Your friend definitely DOES NOT have the right to argue. It's not like he didn't get her anything at all, and besides, guys are dense and they don't pay attention to detail =P. It's just the way it is! You can't have everything...
However, I don't understand how this scenario translates into "sacrifices". Getting her boyfriend a nicely wrapped gift does not mean she cares about him. This is all just superficial crap, and it doesn't show that your friend makes any more sacrifices than her boyfriend does. And as to "catching up", well, a person doesn't really catch up if he or she is unappreciative, shallow, and has a tendency to overlook everything. That, to me, creates A LOT of problems. Couples should be on the same level from beginning to end, and both partners have equal obligation to make sacrifices for each other.
He would have felt silly if he'd gone to a lot of trouble and he hadn't. Or he may have thought that since they hadn't been dating very long, that he should keep it simple. Maybe she's the one who tried too hard.
I hate it when people get so worked up over little things in a relationship. Yes, it's important to let the person know you love them, but people have different ways of doing that.
I think you do have a bit of a point where often one person sacrifices more. But I don't think one person should always be going way out of their way when the other person does nothing. And to me, "sacrifice" has nothing to do with how you wrap a present or other little things. Sacrifice is giving up something that is important to you for the person you love. Like you miss seeing your favorite band because your SO had to go to the ER.
I don't think it's about sacrificing.
Guys are just slow. Tell them to do it or they simply wont.
I've learned to appreciate all the things they do own their own.
That and I'm really bossy without being angry :)
well.... i dont think the first thing on a guy's mind after getting his gf a present is "how should i wrap it nicely?"
honestly i dont think its that big of a deal..........
maybe theres some hidden issues beneath that caz it seems sorta like a dumb arguement
she needs to be put in her place a few times. seriously, there's no reason to act like that. if i were him and knew she reacted that way i would have taken the overpriced clothing back to the store. he could have easily handed her a box of pre-wrapped chocolates and got her a card, signed his name and been done with it.
besides, it's not exactly the .99 cent bag that makes the day special...it's the time with each other...if she can't see that with him then she's in the relationship for the wrong reasons.
The guy is an idiot.
That being said, I think what he did is totally something that I might do. Guy's do stupid things. Sometimes we don't think out every little detail. We think a lot about what is in the bag, rather than what the bag looks like. Why? Because to us, the bag is not the present, the bag gets thrown away. I spent a lot of time considering what gift you would like, not the wrapping paper.
So when you give a guy a PS3, we could care less if it is in a satin sheened wrapping paper, that you spent 15 minutes to wrap, just the right way. I am not going to wallpaper my home theater room with it. I am going to play and enjoy the nice PS3 that you so thoughtfully got me, because you knew that was what I really wanted.
Men and women think differently. If it matters to you, tell us that you like it, and we will do it. We are stupid that way! If you don't tell us, we won't know. WE REALLY CAN'T READ YOUR MIND, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU! Now if you keep telling him (clearly, not hinting) and he doesn't get it, then he really is an idiot, and you should date me instead (j/k).
If she's making a big deal over that, there are probably other problems that she's not fully conscious of. People tend to nitpick when they're looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship.
Also, she should talk to him about it rather than picking a fight. Yes, the small things can matter. And I don't think "one person sacrificing more" is a good recipe for a relationship. Relationships need to be equal. If it bothers her, she should talk to him about it in a calm and reasonable fashion.
But sometimes I do feel like I shouldn't have to sacrifice if I've talked to the guy, told him that his actions are hurting/annoying me and he keeps doing it. I shouldn't just keep letting it go. Fighting is not the answer, but if the guy can't adjust to tiny little requests, is he really that into the relationship? Clearly he's not listening and therefore doesn't really care about me.
Is her name Jenna?
Freaking out about something like that is not the way to go. If he really isn't experienced with relationships, I don't consider that making sacrifices but he's just learning (if that's truly the case). Sounds like she needs to back off a little, not be so uptight if he doesn't do something right and then talk to him about it rather than blowing up.
Um... WTF?!?
No. When you give in a relationship, it's not because you think he'll give you something equally nice. It's because you CARE about him and want him to be happy and know how much you care.
I think she's the one who needs to learn to be grateful and happy with what she has. Grr. This is such a huge pet peeve of mine.
I dunno, if it bothers her then she should let him know.
She shouldnt fight at him for that, my goodness!! You cant force Sweetness on someone...thats something they have to do on their own. SHe can only hope he becomes this romantic guy she yearns for. Picking a fight...No way. If anything....she can tell her friends about it to get it off her chest but to argue with him about it?? Men do Not think that way right off the bat. They think gift bags, wrappers...ribbons...are all nonsense and trash. Only us women like that. However...we all want them to appreciate how we decorated..
We should sacrifice more till the other one catches up. Yes yes yessss. Thats what you call adaptation. If no one sacrificed, how will Anything ever work?
She expects too much. Now if he was giving nothing, that's a problem for Vday. My past BFs didn't even bother with cards.
She's making a very big deal about it.
Everyone expresses their gift giving differently. The way I see it is a guy vs a girl gift giving methods. Yes there are guys that go out of their way, but that's not the majority of the guy world out there (most of my friends are guys, it's a minority for the ones who do it "right" and of those who do it "right" they do it infrequent so that when they actually do do it, it makes it all the more special to the girl because she knows he doesn't normally do that stuff).
Bottom line, everyone does things differently. Some people are more expressive, some like the presentation more than the content, some think of the content more than the presentation, etc.
Hey at least she got stuff she likes. I end up getting things I don't normally use (what am I going to do with a $600 purse? - sorry I'm not materialistic). In a 4 year time frame, my most prized gifts received were 2 cards - 1 was written in, about he doesn't ever give cards let alone write in them, and 1 was hand made.