This is part of an ongoing series moderated by Kari, our resident relationship expert.Understandably, conflict and anger in a relationship means a difficult and stressful time for a couple. What I have found the most useful in dealing with conflict is having the rationality to, first and foremost, take a time-out to process the anger and where it came from.
Anger illicits a "fight or flight" response in us and this response in turn makes us want to attack. Therefore, before we attack, it's important to take a step back and think whether attacking is the right response.
To break down anger even further, anger stems from feeling hurt and pain. Our natural response to being hurt is finding a way to alleviate our pain so we seek comfort from those that hurt us (most of the time, it's our partner). However, when we find that they are not offering the comfort that we seek, our anger increases. That's why it's so important to be able to fight and argue effectively.
In all arguments, whether it's with our partner or our friends, parents, etc., we all seek validation and to be heard. We want to be heard and reassured that the person who hurt us understands why we are hurt. Therefore, it's important to be able to hear each other and validate the other person's pain.
An example: "I hear you say that you were quite disappointed when I had to work late and couldn't make it to our date tonight. I understand why it would be disappointing to you since I know you've looked forward to it all week." This statement shows that not only did you hear your partner but you are validating their anger/pain. The sheer fact of doing this will make your partner feel understood and heard. It will also bring down their anger a few notches.
Use time-outs often and whenever necessary. Please keep in mind that I'm not talking about "let's take a break". Time-outs are when both of you are heated and the argument is on a one way ticket to nowhere express-style and both need to take a breather to cool off and calm down.
A time-out could be as short as 10 minutes or 24 hours. Take whatever time you guys need and negotiate this ahead of time so that when you come to this point, both will have a mutual understanding of the need for this.
A quick list of do's and don'ts for effective fighting:1. Be specific and reasonable with your complaint.
2. Focus on one issue at a time so that you don't get sucked into a vortex of roundabout arguing over 10 million things.
3. Always consider compromise because your partner's view of reality is just as real as yours even if it's different from yours.
4. Never assume what you know the other person is thinking or feeling unless you have factual evidence to back up your assumptions.
5. Never put labels, blame, shame or make sweeping statements (you never..., you always...) about your partner.
6. Sarcasm and profanity is dirty fighting.
7. Forget the past and stay with the here and now. Yes, this means no statements like "Three days ago, you said...!"
What was the reason for the biggest fight you and your SO had? Were you able to resolve the issue?
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Comments (14)
Good advice!!
My boyfriend and I honestly argue over warcraft. Not always the content in the game, but how much he spends playing it vs. how much time he gives me. I don't want to spend the weekend at his house watching him play warcraft. I want to spend that time with him, paying attention to me.
He has a tendency to bring up other issues he has had in the past (though resolved!) with me as crutches. As a way of saying "well you aren't perfect either" instead of admitting to doing the thing I have a complaint about.
He does the "avoiding admitting he's wrong" thing a lot and it's frustrating, if he could work on that, I think our arguing would be a lot more progressive.
Ditto! :)
As for what was the biggest? I can't even remember but my boyfriend & I have had our share of fights & despite it all, we're still together & the relationship's never been stronger. We do take the step back & not bring up the past. It really helps. :)
I personally like to choose my battles to win. It's pointless to try to win all the time.
in a perfect world, yes this would work.
I really do agree with this! My boyfriend and i just met a few weeks ago. When he first met me, he thought all these horrible things and assumed way to much. We started to talk about it and he just got mad and started telling me all these things that i had supposedly done. After he got done yelling, i told him i assured him i understood why he would be mad, but if it was the truth then i would expect him to yell. Since it wasnt, and he was debating off of false pretences, he appoligized, we started hanging out, and now we're together and everything is great!
Yes, communication is the key to any healthy relationship.
Great advice! My sorta ex boyfriend and I broke up over this and we're trying to heal it back up...not sure if it's going to work kekeke.
That is some good advice.
It's the worst when you bring up past events in an argument.
@alcohollyc@xanga - I agree, nothing more to say here.
Great advice!
"Sarcasm is fighting dirty." What?! I personally couldn't survive without it.
That being said, I am conscious of the other's feelings. One trick I heard once... stick your tongue out at the other person. Do something ridiculous. It will loosen the tension a little. And if you really care about that person, you'll care enough to hear them out, or exert some patience.
i realize now.. i fight too dirty =_=
so the relationship failed... and i feel sorry for him. lol.
but i've learned now ~~