This is a guest blog submitted by porcelainx27.According to this absolutely huge psychology book I have, partners on the same or a similar level of attractiveness tend to have more successful relationships than those who are on a different level.
Obviously, this does not mean that both partners have to be supermodel gorgeous or that it's the key ingredient in a healthy, successful relationship, but it does mean that to some degree, looks actually matter.
I'm not sure what to make of it...
as I do think that my partner and I are on the same level, even if others beg to differ. It has never caused a problem between us, although in the beginning he suffered from low self-esteem and would constantly comment on how ugly he was in compared to me (he isn't, by the way; he's just blind).
That being said, I have seen couples where one person is what would be considered to be far more attractive (I'm not trying to put this across in a superficial way, but more in comparison to society's standards of beauty), and all of them I have witnessed crumble horrifically.
So, my question is, is there an element of truth to this, or is it just another crazy psychiatrist spewing trash?
Have you had a partner that is considered less/more attractive than you? Has this ever posed any issues?
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Comments (49)
I don't think it's physical attractiveness but rather self-esteem. A couple needs to have an equal amount of self-esteem for the relationship to go smoothly. I once dated a guy with low self-esteem & constantly said he thought he was ugly, which he wasn't, but I was so sick of having to reassure him that I just dropped him. When I'm in a relationship, I'd like my guy to be confident of himself regardless of how he looks. [Not a cocky sort of confidence either.. just a sufficient amount.] It helps with the balance & allows you two to focus on more important things in the relationship... such as the future.
not yet i guess.
well attraction for eachother is whats important. But some might define someone who is attractive not the same as another might define. What matters is the connection between the two people.Anyway, in the end it is the personality that can really make a relationship last. Not the equation of two attractive people with nothing else to offer.
It makes sense. If both are equally attractive, neither is likely to feel that they are selling themselves short, or feel insecure that perhaps their partner could do better.
Thankfully I'm blessed with not being shallow. I'd say I'm 1:1 ratio of dating women so attractive that guys are already lining up to take their shot should be break-up, and women less phyiscally blessed that cause my friends to question my sanity.
Typically, no matter how attractive or not, it's their insecurities that make me walk away every time.
I think it helps in the beginning but in the end it's the personality of the person and how much you guys are able to get along that is the deal breaker. Maybe couples who differ too much in looks tend to lead life differently than the other person...who knows.
I think it helps to get off to the right start.
It can't be that fun being an average looking person with a superstar looking boyfriend/girlfriend.
In the end though, personality and everything else matters regardless of apperance.
It's probably somewhat true. I do agree, though, that self-esteem is just as important as attractiveness.
hmmm... interesting question.
I would say the easier the relationship is, the more success it will have, because easy is just human nature. And on that note, it's probably easier to be of the same beauty level in some sense.
Also, if the relationship started out easy, it could get harder because one is more beautiful than the other for many reasons (one I thought of immediately was cheating/wanting to cheat but there are others). If it gets harder then it's less likely to work.
But like in every rule there are exceptions. If the two love each other enough something like that wouldn't keep them apart! I guess the psychology theory makes sense, though.
I think it is, sometimes.
Yeah, I would even try staying away from liking the really "hot" guys, unless like yeah. Ugh I just hate when like EVERYONE is "in love" with the same pretty boy or girl -_-".
I think all my partners have been more attractive than me. But the current one especially is really hot, and we go together quite well. If we ever break up, it'll be me who ends it.
What's even weirder in couples is when a friends points out how much they look related. It makes you wonder if we look for our our own features, or the physical traits of our family.
I don't think how attractive each person is has anything to do with anything. It's just something for others to observe.
I feel really mean saying this because of course I was attracted to the first two boyfriends I had, but in all reality they weren't lookers.
i think attraction for each other is more important.. it's not always about what "others" think.. as long as the guy is presentable, it's not an issue for me.. also, i think it's how you rate yourself and how your bf/fiance/husband rate's himself.. even if both people are on the same or similar attractive level to others, what if they don't rate themselves that way? i think it's more about the self-esteem.. some attractive people have low self-esteem and some ugly people have high self-esteem so it's how you perceive youself too..
@Angelina_Everlong@xanga - "look for our our own features, or the physical traits of our family" - Actually, you're right, yes we do!
Psychological studies have proven that a lot of people look for physical characteristics in a partner that their parents have. Not consciously, obviously, but yeah. Weird huh?
Studies on the laws of attraction are just a load of bull to me. Each person is different and attracted to different things, and the same thing with relationships.
I believe in it as I do when my horoscope tells me I'm going to be dead broke when I actually just started working and getting a paid check.
I think it is important for self-esteem/self-image reasons.
Since we're all over people being vain, I've had relationships explode because I've been put on a pedestal for my looks (among other things).Â
Both people in the relationship have to be equally comfortable with their physical attributes or else one will/may feel inferior in social situations.
I wouldn't want to have sex with a girl that looked like a man. So yes, to an extent, looks do matter.
Well if one person is prettier than the other, chances are the less pretty person will slowly become more and more insecure and make comments like your boyfriend used to. And insecurity can beget jealousy, which is where everything falls apart. So I'd say, yeah, most of the time two people have to be on the same level of attractiveness. On the other hand, if the less attractive person is very confident and comfortable with who they are then it should be fine. I have a friend who's girlfriend is way hotter than he is but she's an insecure mess and he's confident and comfortable with himself, so if anything she (the more attractive one) is the problem... It's all about communication and confidence.
I totally agree.
I
think a small inferiority complex can arise in a relationship where two
people don't have a similar level of attractiveness. This can cause
jealousy and control issues.
It's weird, and it sounds wrong...
but I think your psych book is right. Then again, I'm a wide-eyed lover
of the social sciences, so I'm a little biased.
Generally I can see where it would create a jealousy issue.
But on a case-by-case basis, it depends on how either person feels about their looks and how much attention from the opposite sex their partner actually does get.. I mean, if the pretty one has self-esteem issues, then they may very well be on the same level psychologically. That helps.
u know, i think it really has more to do with self esteem than actual physical attractiveness. in fact, the more i have gotten to like the myself, the less i spend on my appearance or buying make up. i tend to see super well-dressed and image conscious people to be more self conscious than someone who is okay in a jeans and tee shirt combo. in that respect, i think it is difficult to be of different attraction levels because the more attractive one will need to be with someone as attractive. when it comes to chemistry.. that is different in my opinion
Ideally I don't feel looks should matter, but in my own experience, it definitely has. Not one of the traits I'm proud of, but neither can I deny it.
i think the boyfriend is more attractive than me and he doesnt think he is attractive at all. and im the same way.
ahaha.
i think as long as you are comfortable with your looks and your partner is thinks you are attractive, who cares if others think you go together, look wise.
Xo
I don't think it's a matter of physical appearance. It's about being on the same page with commitments, having ambitions, and other goals in life. And of course, good communication also matters.