Mr. Lion
Titles. Some people can't live without them; others wish they wouldn't exist.
I
used to be in the former category; I needed that title to make my relationship
matter. If I didn't have the title of the boyfriend, I thought she
would leave or someone else had a chance to sweep her away. A few
years after heartaches, growing up and observing the world, I came to
a realization that I now belong in the latter group.
I want you to officially be my girlfriend… What does that mean? Is it some code that automatically makes you a couple?
At
one point I thought it did. I needed that reassurance she was my
girlfriend, and by making it "official" I thought she was. To be honest, though, that title
only created other issues. Now I had to talk to her more, she had the "right" to yell at me if something wasn’t right, I had to make sure not
to talk to other girls; if she talked to other guys I was jealous and
when we broke up, it hurt more.
Now in my relationships, I
refuse to accept the boyfriend title unless I know the girl I’m dating
is going to be my future wife. Marriage titles are fine; they are
deserving of it. But the boyfriend/girlfriend titles aren't needed for
two people who feel right for each other.
Why do you need to be
labeled? It’s easier to just break it off with someone with no title,
less feelings. It hurts a lot more after titles are put on two people.
Is the title a sign of commitment in a relationship? Do you personally need the title to validate your relationship?
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Comments (78)
It needs some sort of title... what would you call the other person when you are introducing her to other friends?
"This is my... um... special friend"
IT is cool to just say, "This is my girl friend."
I have lots of questions about this myself.
I was in a relationship with a guy, and we were obviously together. We spent a lot of time together, neither of us saw anyone else, and we were good for each other.
Now after six months of going along at this pace, i felt like things needed to "go somewhere" (where?) and thought we needed to add that title to our relationship.
suffice to say, it ended soon after that. after six month, this man has reappeared in my life, claiming to be a changed man. so now i have to step back and decide, "is the title important?" or can we just be together and enjoy the relationship that we have?
I felt like this before. I felt the way you felt when there wasn't a title only to realize that having the title took everything away from me when it all ended.
By then, all I wanted was for relationship titles to die. They should not exist--for the better.
Well hmm, I don't feel the need for a title but sometimes just clarification, between being a couple, or if it's just playing around. You want to know the person's intentions and that's really the only reason I would ask for something like that.
Sounds like a player way of thinking to me. By not accepting that title you're not accepting to be committed to such and such person. With that mentality, it gives someone the right to hook-up with person A one night, then person B the next, and then person A. To me, it's leading person A also, unless person A is also hooking-up randomly.
That title signifies to me that he is committed to me and is not afraid of telling the world.
I think that there needs to be some articulation of exclusivity, and that's kind of where the boyfriend/girlfriend thing comes in. Like, you can't expect me to KNOW you want me to exclusively date you, and I shouldn't expect you to know that about me, either, and so neither of us has the right to get angry at the other for any "violations" of exclusive dating.
I mean.. going as far as to say "Am I your girlfriend?" and whatnot is unnecessary.. but at least saying something to the effect of, "I want this to be an exclusive relationship" would be nice. Otherwise the boyfriend/girlfriend thing has to suffice.
I suppose the title bares a few convenient implications.
1. No awkward introductions (especially to grandma's)
2. Avoidance of the double-standard issue when it comes to the physical part of the relationship, as well as making the physical aspect socially acceptable.(Same thing marriage titles are for.)
3. The satisfaction of knowing, not just assuming, the other person is committed .
4. Makes intentions clear and puts ambiguity to rest for both people involved.
Really though, it doesn't change anything directly effecting the actual relationship. I guess I just feel better using the title.
I disagree with you...I think you need that confirmation in a relationship so that you both know where you stand. I would hate to become deeply emotionally attached to someone and come to find out they felt differently. I prefer to know how much to invest in a relationship...and to be real honest, I don't see the point in dating unless there is a potential of it going somewhere deeper.
not calling your girl a girlfriend? that just sounds wrong. maybe if you were older and being a 36 year old and saying, "this is my girlfriend" might kind of childish, but i don't know. i wouldn't want my "boyfriend" to be like this is ummm jessica. that wound hurtful.
i don't know. i have never had a problem with the boyfriend slash girlfriend title, myself. i don't think you need to be a couple, but i think the title does that exclusivity label better than without the title.
i don't know. eachother to their own.
xo
why not needing it?
Like the stages from a grub through crysalis to butterfly as for a couple. Friends for a minute, gf/bf for an hour, married for a life.
Calling it a "label" sounds not exact. A phase maybe. A way to "feel". A mood, if you prefer.
So, how else you should be called?
friend-who-loves-her?
friend-who-hopes-to-marry-her?
Romeo?
I think one of the keys to a successful relationship is communication. While a title is not necessarily important, an understanding of whether you guys are exclusive/monogamous is very important because otherwise someone will get hurt.
However, I think you're giving the title too much power: "Now I had to talk to her more, she had the "right" to yell at me if something wasn’t right, I had to make sure not
to talk to other girls; if she talked to other guys I was jealous..." And honestly, if that's what you think relationships are supposed to be, you've got problems. No relationship should be that way no matter what the title. I would never marry a guy if our relationship was like that.
And besides, if there's no title, how do you explain each other to your friends/family ("oh, he's just some guy I'm kind of seeing" gets old after a while).
Thats funny cause I've been having a lot of problems ever since me and my SO have put a title on things. Well, it was more me wanting of the title than him. He didn't care. He knew we were something. I just needed to know what we could call each other. Would there be an anniversary if we say it on some type of day? To this day I don't know what our anniversary is cause we never took a day to make anything official. It makes me wonder, how do people celebrate anniversary if there is no official day to put the title on it?
The title is a way of explaining where the relationship is going. It also helps to introduce my significant other to family & friends & also in conversations to describe what we are. Although it is just a title, it shows commitment & possibly the hope of something more.
I don't think having the title & then breaking up hurts more than not having the title. If anything, without the title, one party is going to feel led on especially when the other party hasn't made it clear how he feels about her. That hurts more than anything else.
YES.. otherwise, you're just dating (nothing serious) and not in a relationship.. even jobs give you a title when you get hired.. when you are born, you are given a name.. everything has a title and name.. don't you think your relationship and the girl you are dating deserves one too?
Its silly to think it isn't going to hurt as much because there are no titles.
"But the boyfriend/girlfriend titles aren't needed for
two people who feel right for each other."
I think the main thing that always comes to mind is if you really feel that it doesn't matter if someone is right for you, then why are you so against it? If you really think someone is right for you, then I would assume that calling them your girlfriend is a non-issue, it just comes with wanting to be with them.
All of the things you listed, are natural parts of dating, and the negative things, well obviously those are signs of relationships that won't work out, and those are the risks you're going to take... maybe it's the definition of insanity to keep repeating that and hope for different results, but when you're in a good relationship, it won't be so horrible or so stressful.
Maybe the thing for you isn't necessarily the title, but that you should be more selective on who becomes your girlfriend. I mean, part of serious dating is figuring out if the person could be your partner, and maybe you won't ever get to that level if you refuse to progress forward and have a girlfriend, because then how could you figure out if they could be wifey material. Magic? I don't think that would necessarily be the answer for that one.
@NiDH0GG@xanga - romeo lol cute
I hate titles because they tie me down. [shrug]
usually, "I'm with him," or "She's with me," suffices.
or i just don't answer the inquiry haha honestly, it's nobody's business but yours and that other person.
I need the title otherwise I would be confused as to where the relationship is going and if I have to talk to her more then that would be because I want to talk to her more now that the relationship is growing.
I'm in a relationship right now that has no title, but no stupid stipulations. We're obviously very couple-ish. We're in love, we talk everyday, we hang out, and we're not seeing anyone else but each other and that's definitely something neither of us would be cool with. We don't have an "anniversary" and he never asked me out officially, but I still refer to him as my boyfriend and vice-versa. I brought it up to him a little while ago, asking him what we were but the thing is, we go to different schools and the amount of time we have for each other will definitely face constraints sometime in the future. I think a little part of him is afraid that we might not work out and that not being THAT official would make things less awkward to break off if it got that bad (we've been friends for a while, so the fear of "what if this doesn't work out? Can we go back to the way it was?" is kind of there, ya know?)
At first, it bothered me just a little. But I know how he feels about me and I love him so much, that in the end the title means nothing to me. As long as the feelings and loyalty are there, I don't need it.
@awokenfatality@xanga - she said it.
i had a guy i was dating we were boyfriend and girlfriend and then all of a sudden he was saying how he hates titles. my friends would look at me like wtf does that suppose to mean?
it meant he wants the liberty to be with other chicks while i'm there not being with other guys.
there doesn't have to be a parade to make things official but it's nice to know like 'oh hey this guy is more than a "special friend"'
it all depends on the person. back in high school, which was many years ago, i've seen many people called each other boyfriends and girlfriends and after a few months they were all broken up. so what's the point, when the title becomes a novelty. i personally don't need it and felt sorta weird being called my girlfriend's boyfriend....maybe because i'm so freakin old and we're suppose to be married by now.
Not referring to a girlfriend as a girlfriend? Right. I think you're forgetting the major issues that this can cause.
For one, you shouldn't be entering relationships if you're not willing to acknowledge a person as your partner/girlfriend/boyfriend. The vast majority of people do this, and for you not to causes confusion and upset to most people. It's playing with people's feelings, and in a sense, leading them on.
Basically what this post says to me is that you're not actually having girlfriends, or relationships, but a sex partner. If that's what a girl is to you, then you need to let them know that before they agree to "date" you. To let someone know where they stand with you is just respect, and fair enough if they are happy with a purely sexual relationship.
It's such a small thing - if you care enough for a person to remain in a relationship with them, why wouldn't you be proud of having them as your "girlfriend"?
Not giving confirmation of a person's place in your life is totally unfair. And I can't begin to imagine the trust issues this would cause if you refused to introduce her as a girlfriend in public. Again, that is, unless you are having an "open relationship", and she is perfectly aware that you probably plan to sleep with other women.
It's insanity!
I really don't understand why it's such a big issue, and why you would want to go against the norm just because of a label. At the end of the day, you fit under other labels anyway, so why not one more?
for me right now, the answer is no. I really don't need a title, if you get along and if you were together you will eventually give each other a title, and if you are not ready and the other person is ok with it then you can continue to be together without the title. I will come back to you if my opinion ever changes.
I always preferred not having titles but that is because I shy away from commitment.
I think the title shows a level of respect for the other person and validates whatever you may share.Some people avoid titles because they want the freedom to cheat or disrespect the other person and justify their behavior by not confirming their relationship status with a title.
I think titles show mutual respect for each other.Sometimes its important to know where you stand in someone's life before you get in too deep.I doubt calling someone your significant other is enough to destroy a good relationship.It is has chances are you were going to break up anyway
@porcelainx27@xanga - totally agree