Wednesday, 01 October 2008
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When Breaking Up Is Best for Your Relationship
Mr. Giraffe
I sit at a Starbucks on Sixth Avenue, catching up with one my best friends Penelope. She's in a relationship with a guy she's known for years named Sean. They're both about twenty years old. I've never met this guy before but she talks about him all the time and we always have heart-to-hearts regarding their troubles. They've been sorta-dating-but-not-officially until a month ago when he asked her to be his girlfriend.Hearing her describe their association over the past few years, I began to have doubts about their coupling. She serves as a mother/secretary. She keeps his appointments, reminds him of his tests, forces him to study, etc., etc. She runs to him when he's sick but he won't make the trip to her house (they live about thirty minutes away). Sure, he'll surprise her once or twice but not as much as she does.
This would all be fine since Penelope is the maternal type. She takes care of everyone because she has her own life in order. Thing is, Sean does not. He's failing out of school, has a job in retail (despite dreams of law school) and depends on her absolutely. He wants to break up so he can grow up but Penelope is afraid that he'll meet someone else and they won't get back together.
I've tried explaining to her that a break up is ironically what's best for them. Once he leaves the man-child stage, he can take care of her like she does him. I tried telling her that he knows that while his life is still a mess he can't be the boyfriend he wants to be or give her the commitment she wants. But she just doesn't get it.
I wonder: can wanting to stay together actually destroy a relationship? What would you do? What should Penny do?
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Comments (30)
Penny should let go of him until he gets his life in order. After all, that is what he wants. What if Penny meets someone else?
I went through a similar situation with my now ex-boyfriend. :\ I always went out of my way to be there for him and support him, however he gave very little feedback in the relationship. From the way my ex acted, the answer was pretty clear: he's not ready for a relationship. So I ended things with him so he can get himself situated and realize his goals. I'm pretty much like Penny. I'm already situated and aiming for what I want.
Like my ex, Sean isn't ready to be in a relationship. At least he realizes that he needs to get himself together. My ex didn't realize that. -_-
So I think it's best for Penny that the relationship end. :\ I know it'll be hard for her because they have a history and all, but she'll realize in the long run that it's for the best.
Also, she shouldn't be so afraid if he meets someone. What if she meets someone? Life's unpredictable like that. :\ But if Sean is meant for her, don't worry. Eventually in time, they'll get back together. But for the moment, a break-up is the only resolution. :\
I wish Penny all the best.
Sometimes, what is best for both can hurt. A lot. Like Hell. That doesn't mean that all bets are off, however. If, after Sean has grown up some, he still has feelings for Penny, it will be better and more fulfilling for both of them.
I made the choice that Penny should. Que sera, sera.
Sometimes breaking up is the best option. I just ended a two-year relationship with a man who absolutely adores me, bc he didn't have his life together. His inability to be a responsible adult (fiscally, emotionally, etc) became a burden to me, bc I was left to fix everything.
And I'd tell your friend exactly what I told him: If we're meant to be, it'll happen. If you want it to work, then you have to let go and take the chance that I'll be there and available when you get your life straight. Bc I guarantee that staying and continuing what we're doing now is going to make me walk away forever.
And in the two months we've been broken up, he's made some great personal strides forward. Does that mean I want to go back? No, not necessarily. But he'll be in a better place when everything's straight in his life, I've learned from this experience (I don't want to be someone's mom/nanny/maid/personal assistant first, gf last), and we're both better for this break up.
But it's not easy, so I wish her luck.
I think in this situations, it's better they break up, as he wants to grow so let him, with her around acting like his gf and mum, that's not going to do. And yes I agree with the above, if he/she is mean to be with you, it'll happen, it doesn't need to be so tight up, let it go sometimes is the best?!
Yes! I think wanting to stay in the relationship can in turn destroy it. All things come to an end in this thing we call life. Sometimes it truly is for the best. You friend deserves to be with someone who can take care of himself, but it's really up to her to realize this.
I think staying in a relationship when one partner is not able to commit fully is destructive, because that means only one person is in it for the long haul. There will come a point when Penny realize that this isn't going to work and by that time she would lose more than a boyfriend; it would be time, youth, and efforts and feelings invested.
I'm staying in the relationship. Sean could very well be my boyfriend and I could very well be Penny. Sure it's slightly unhealthy that I do drop everything and anything for him while he can't always do the same for me, but I'm too comfortable in a safe relationship to let myself be truly bothered by it.
Our relationship may not be about to implode, but it's slowly tearing me up. Most sensible people would give up and get out, but I've never been sensible.
I broke up. It wasn't exactly the same, my 'sean' does sort of have his life together, just not as much as I do... which, considering I don't really have my life together, is saying something.
I had the added problem of it being a long distance relationship.
But definitely. When the relationship gets to the point where one person is hurting whatever happens because they're not getting enough from their partner, then you need to break up - if only for your sanity. It doesn't mean it's the end. If they're only twenty, they've got plenty of time to get it right later on, once they're BOTH ready.
While the boyfriend seems immature in all other aspects, I think he has got a point with breaking up to grow up. Their relationship at the moment is unhealthy & he has her best interest in mind. He knows he wants to be the caretaker in the relationship & cannot do that if Penelope is the one constantly taking care of him.. He'll get so used to it & never grow up. If they stayed together, the relationship is headed for disaster 'cause at some point, Penelope is gonna get fed up with being the mother/secretary & want out. In this situation, a break-up is necessary & probably best for the relationship. If he's really into her as much as he seems, especially to ask for the break up despite how much he depends on her, they'll be get back together when he's more mature.
Personally, I've been in a similar situation half a year ago when my boyfriend broke up with me. We were both too dependent on each other & it stunted our growth, in all ways. [Just one example of how it was: I was supposed to be looking for a job yet I didn't want to 'cause I had no motivation & wanted to spend the last few months with him & he needed me to constantly remind him of exams & homework.] We spent two months without contact, which was probably the roughest time of my life, but ended up talking again in May & after the summer, we got back together. Looking back, I didn't understand why he broke up with me at the time but now I do & I'm thankful for that 'cause our relationship is stronger than ever. If the "break up" had not happened, I don't think we'd be able to do long distance like we're doing now. :)
If he wants to break up so he can grow up, she's going to be left holding nothing more than a toothpick from the relationship tree they once had. She may meet someone else while he's trying to get his life on track, or maybe they're soulmates and he just needs his own space for a little while.
I've been on both sides of this scenario, and the best choice is to break up so you can feel what you're missing deep down in your heart. If both of you don't miss one another that much, then you probably don't feel strongly enough for one another anyway to make a marriage work. If you both feel like something has knocked the breath out of you after you've given it a little while to settle in, then you know that maybe you're both right for each other after all.
Bottom line, if one wants to break up, the other will be miserable before long because it takes lots of effort on both sides of the relationship to make it work.
I know exactly how that feels.
we both knew he needed to get his shyt together, but with that being said it doesnt make the pain any more bearable.
Still have no idea whats going on. I think if two ppl need each other enough, they'll find a way to work it out later on..
but yea i agree, sometimes a breakup or perhaps a break is the best thing for both party
if its meant to be it'll happen
"death can't stop true love, it can only delay it for awhile"
- princess bride
staying together can never be forced. It may actually make the break up even more difficult for the both of them. Because it sounds like it is eventually going to happen. In my opinion they need to break up and go their seperate ways. It is not only for his sake, but for hers too because it seems like they both have alot of growing up to do. Its nice to feel needed but it doesnt seem like she is in this relationship for the right reasons. I always say that if something is meant to be, it will be. The test is letting the relationship go and seeing if time brings them back together.
@classy1524@xanga -
haha i have to agree but the waiting part kinda sucks
Despite his immaturity in other matters, kudos to the boyfriend. It seems rare to me that a man can really look at himself, find himself lacking, and take the necessary measures (even the scary ones) to change. He is finally looking out for what is best for both people in the couple. Penny is in for heartbreak, but hopefully she can look back later and know that this was the right thing to do for both of them to grow individually. It is important to take care of your individual needs so that you can equally contribute to a relationship. Good luck to them both!
My bf and I just broke up and I'm not sure if it's for the better. We're not going to know until much later. I usually never want to get back with an ex once a final break up is called for. Things change, people change. What if they get back together and she keeps thinking about how he broke up with her and made her really heartbroken? *shrugs* I just broke up so I can't really say what other people should or should not do.
Penelope should take your advice.
When this happens with one of my friends I let them live it, let them have their shitty relationship. They are too stubborn and "in love" to listen when something is not good for them. People learn from mistakes, and if it takes a long while for them to come to that, so be it. You wouldn't listen, now live with the consequences. It's harsh but my jaw gets tired of telling them that this such person is no good or your relationship is no good. In the end, the always come crying when the relationship finally goes to pieces, leaving me to collect them....great.
everyone needs to grow on their own...to rely on their own strength and overcome their own obstacles. it's hard to do that if someone else is always there to break the fall.
Penny should leave his ass behind for now. I know from experience that the more you try to help them in the man-child phase, the worse they end up hurting you when they finally decide they don't want to have a girlfriend anymore.
She shouldn't have to be babysitting and mothering the guy she's with. That's what kids are for. Hopefully she has her life in order enough to the point where breaking it off with him wouldn't bug her all too much if she decides to do it.
@GaMeGurLsH@xanga - It happened to me when my boyfriend & I got back together after he broke up with me. At first, it hard to move past the heartache but when we both realized that if I think there's any chance for a future together, I needed to look past that hurt. It's been 4 months since we started talking after the break up & I still have those lapses where I act bitter towards him. However, we have established that I'm not holding that grudge against him forever but when I get like that, he's just gonna have to "hold" me until it goes away & it does. Those moments just come up when I start thinking irrationally but whenever I calm down & look back, I know everything happened for the best.
@mz_d0rkabl3@xanga - The waiting part sucks but it'll get better. You've got the right mindset. Hang in there & good luck! :)
a good breakup will do the couple some good. and if they still want to be together later in life, awesome.
I went though a breakup last summer. It was horrible at the time, but it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me. Sometimes a breakup is the best thing for a relationship.
In this case, however, your friend has to be the one to make the call. It seems that she's not ready to admit that her relationship isn't a healthy one. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to convince her. If you try too much to convince her, you'll lose her as a friend.
Wanting to stay together CAN actually destroy a relationship. If I was her, I would break up with him no matter what. I'm a maternal type too, but maternal types also deserve a good lovin' back. He isn't doing that and I believe she deserves better.
In this case?? Yes... it will probably destroy their relationship.
This can often be the case. When a relationship becomes internecine, then it needs to end.
It's funny, the whole breaking up thing seems like something me and my boyfriend have almost sort of gone through all year. Every now and then he feels like he's not being the boyfriend he should be and stuff...but that never really lasts.