This is a guest blog submitted by narsbee.Lately people around me have been forcing marriage advice down my throat. I guess after I got my degree and license to practice, everyone assumed that I'd choose to get married immediately. I'm not thinking about it as of now, but I AM thinking about the constant piece of advice that I've received from most of them. And that is the prenuptial agreement.
I understand the negative connotation that comes with it. Heck, since I learned the term back in 7th grade, I viewed prenuptial agreements as the weapon of botoxed gold-diggers worldwide. Who wants to draw up a contract before marriage if they thought it was going to last, right?
Well now, I'm starting to see the very practicality of it. Unfortunately, I don't think my boyfriend of three years will feel the same way. I'm just worried that I will either get an agreement but lose the guy that I'm intending on marrying, or I won't get an agreement but will find myself in a vulnerable position. I don't plan on getting married within the next three years, but I want to tackle this subject now before I find myself in an impossible position.
Is a prenuptial agreement a do or a don't? How should the subject be brought up for discussion?
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Comments (24)
I think that if you're worrying about a prenup then you shouldn't be getting married.
That all depends, imo, on the state of yourself before you get married. If you have kids, then sure...I think a prenup is excellent for making sure that your kids are taken care of in the event that something should happen to you or the marriage. If you're both young and don't have much then I don't see that it really matters a whole lot to have one. Lots of people have really bad opinions of them, but I think if the situation is right, it's a good idea.
There is nothing too wrong with a prenuptial agreement. As of right now, I am currently engaged. I love my fiance dearly and see life as bleak without him but I asked him if it was okay to get a prenuptual agreement. As of right now, I have no job but I am in school to be a doctor. He is a maintenance man (to say the least.) I see a prenup as something that is insurance to stay committed to the marriage and not something to be taken lightly. It is insurance for me not to stray and the opposite for him. I also see many marriages fall to divorce and it was so obvious that they should have had one. Sorry, but I am a realist and not a dreamer.
I think that a prenup isn't a bad idea. Things happen, you know? I think you could bring the subject up, but not in a "I want this" way. Just start a discussion about prenups and see what he says. If you're not planning to get married yet, you don't need to put out that it's what you want yet.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with a prenup, as there is nothing wrong with having separate bank accounts.
think of a prenup as car insurance. you buy car insurance in case you get into a car accident. a prenup is the same: you get one in case you get a divorce or someone dies or whatever. you gotta look out for yourself. sure, you shouldn't go into a marriage thinking about divorce, but you also shouldn't be oblivious to the fact that sometimes life is unfair.
i was like you when i was younger..."omg i would NEVER get a prenup! that's for gold diggers!" well, as they say, the older you get, the wiser you (hopefully) become. it's more of a practicality issue now than a romantic one.
file the prenup, put it away, and forget about it. hopefully you'll never have to use it, but if you do, you'll be glad it's there.
It's a question of understanding and trust. Ironically enough, a prenup, if entered into in the spirit in which it was intended, requires more trust than a marriage without one.
I used to share similar sentiments: if you're planning on being in it for the long haul (which, if you're getting married, is what you should be doing), why on Earth would you need a contract anticipating the demise of the relationship?
Law school changed that for me. Sucked all the romance right out of marriage.
I think prenups are something that should be brought up. I am seriously considering drawing one up in the event I get married. However, my intention is to prevent my future husband from having to shoulder any of my student loan burden should the marriage not work....not necessarily to protect my assets. I just don't think it'd be fair to have someone else bear responsibility for the debt I've incurred for MY education.
If you bring it up in the context of each of you protecting yourselves in the event something should happen, the conversation might be a little easier to have.
While we'd all like to be romantic and say "don't get the prenup! That's admitting defeat before you even get married!" I think that's kind of unreasonable. People change. Feelings change. Situations change. And while a prenup is an uncomfortable topic, who knows what might happen. It sucks that that's the case nowadays, but it is. How cynical and self-involved we've become, but I guess if you work hard for something, you don't want someone you love and trust pulling the rug out from under you.
Nobody wears a seat belt and expects to get into a car accident. Likewise, no one should expect to get divorced when signing the pre-nup.
Everyone's always feeling lovey dovey before they get married, but *things may happen*, even if we don't want them to. That's when a pre-nup come in handy.
People change, things change.
Everything is temporary and that includes the hormonal "love" people think will last forever.ÂI think a pre-nup is a good idea, I mean think about how many people here on this site have professed romantic idealisms and beliefs and compare that to the amount of divorces and infidelity in this country.
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I think that a prenuptial agreement is basically saying that you care more about your stuff than the person you're marrying.
Having said that, I think that if the guy you're marrying is right for you, he'll understand and respect your opinion, even if he doesn't agree with it.
@SnowGlobe2954@xanga - not all prenups have to do with "if we get a divorce, i get this and s/he gets that." that's what the majority are, unfortunately, but that's not all they're used for.
like zepblueyedgirl said, sometimes it's to protect not you, but your spouse, from shouldering your debts (if that isn't caring about the person you're marrying, i don't know what is!) in the event that one is in school or starting a business...or just shops too much, haha.
or, if you have kids from a previous marriage, it's to ensure that your property/assets go to them if something happens to you. in a way, that is protecting your stuff, but that's also protecting your offspring.
i'm still wondering what the easiest way is to bring it up with somebody, right or wrong for you. when my fiance and i discussed it, i think it was after watching suze orman or something finance related. it wasn't a hostile conversation at all; rather, we found that we had very similar ideas on why we should get one.
I AM NOT LIKE THAT I FALL IN LOVE SLOWLY
I want a prenup that says if he ever cheats on me and that leads to a divorce, I want all of his share (and I get to keep mine).
Prenups are a good idea....period!
great safety net, even if you think you'll never get a divorce...even with the divorce rate so high right now.
The world has changed and many( and I mean many) are getting divorces. It's between having faith and being realistic. Those two conflict, so I think whoever wants to get married needs to really think about it before joining someone in matrimony. It's a bloodsport lol
@ZepBlueEyedGirl@xanga - That's actually a really good way of setting things into perspective. Thanks!
nowadays, prenuptial agreements are necessary. after all, most marriages these days don't work out and some of them are only out there to take a stab for your riches (aka, you've got it, gold-diggers). btw, it's not just females, some of these gold-diggers are actually males.. it's on the papers, the movies, the internet; heck, you might even see them in public.
prenuptial agreements aren't there to suggest that one cares more about one's stuff. simply put it, it's there to suggest *if i didn't
have any money (if you won't receive a penny from breaking up with me), will you still love me that same way.*
on the contrary, prenuptial agreements suggest that one does not trust his/her partner. but then again, it's difficult to trust just anyone. trust takes time; yet it can be broken in a matter of seconds, microseconds. and if we trust everyone, we are essentially putting ourselves in a vulnerable vulnerable position. and if all hell does break lose, we not only get hurt physically and mentally, we'll also get hurt financially. and if this happens several couple times, you'll be below the very end of the bottom.
If you have enough balls to enter into a marriage, then you should have more than enough to discuss the "insurance" on the marriage. I wouldn't get offended if I was asked to agree to a pre-nup. Just because I married someone doesn't mean I have rights to my spouse's money and the like (and vice versa).
A prenuptial agreement is something that I recommend everyone do before they get married. It's like getting a house alarm...you don't want people to break into your house, but just in case, you have security. It's an unfortunate necessity in today's world...Today a marriage isn't just an emotional decision, it's also a financial merger which shouldn't be taken lightly. Without the prenup, you may find yourself in an impossible situation.
well statistically 50% of marriages end in divorce nowadays so prenups are good.
Tell your partner you're worried about what will happen to him, if you ever turn into an asshole. If he says "no", then watch out! Someone who would refuse you both protection is someone who is not yet wise enough to be married.
after watching 5 "stable" marriages slowly explode with horrible consequences for the children, extended families, neighbours, and friends, i am very much for pre-nups.
when divorces happen, people aren't very nice, and sometimes they are downright diabolical. (i even know one divorcing couple that have had to deal with one of the spouses bribing the divorce judge!!) so basically, nowadays, it's either you have a pre-nup or you're screwed. no one goes into marriage wanting a divorce, but a pre-nup is common sense, like health insurance!