This is a guest blog submitted by abiah.I'm 25 and have some cruddy issues with my health (type 1 diabetes and gastroparesis) that bring me chronic nausea, pain, and weakness and cause me to need icky things like feeding tubes.
I haven't dated in two years, hardly leaving my house for more than a hospital visit or checkup. Because of my lack of ability to go out like most women my age, I started playing online MMO role-playing games. I have met some wonderful friends through them and currently met a guy who lives really close to me, and considering I just moved here six months ago, it's a great way to get out and meet someone. He's nice, smart, funny, SO cute that he made my heart flutter when I saw him for the first time (didn't even get an online pic!), and we have so many of the same interests...BUT...
He's as sick as I am with different issues. He has social anxiety disorder, depression, physical neurological disorders and this very rare disease that is the opposite of Alzheimer's disease (meaning he remembers everything that's ever happened to him, but most of all, negative things). The worst part of this is that he had a crazy girlfriend about two years ago who took ALL his money, including a $20k loan, making him lose all he had. Every day he relives the breakup when he wakes up, and it hurts me to even think about that.
We had an amazing night together - a great date where we talked and got so close, a great connection. He wasn't too shy or anything, but we both felt a little sick. I didn't hear from him for two days until I got a message from him talking about how his disorders were going crazy after we had our 'date', how he felt like he betrayed a girl he hasn't talked to in two years, and even though he knows she's out of the picture, he can't control those emotions. His disorder is ruining his chance of having some new good memories.
As we talked he said he'd like to go slow and be 'just friends', but after that he started getting all flirty and talked about when we'd see each other again and how into me he was.
I'm so confused. I REALLY REALLY like him, and I know he likes me, it's just that his mental anxiety issues are stopping him from wanting to be more than just friends.
What should I do to help him calm down and see the good - that is, replace that horrid memory of his ex with a better new memory of me? If I was confused about whether or not he liked me, that would be another issue, but I'm not. I'm confused on how or if I should proceed when his anxiety is overriding his chance at a true connection after two years of being alone.
I know we fit in every way, even the fact that we both are chronically ill and know what that does to relationships. What should I do next to try and help him find the happiness he so deserves when his mind plays a horrid game with him so much?
Comments (15)
HHmmm, lets see.
Point out the positive things and explain HOW its positive. Like.....If he brought up that other girl again....say well, my dear...yall havent talked in awhile, in 2 years....so doesnt that mean something? That she is living her own life...and you should too? Or do you want to stay stagnant? You should live for yourself and your own happiness and look at you--all smiles! Im having a blast with you! I guess...sugarcoat the whole ordeal since he might "breakdown" on you.
Just be everything his ex wasn't - honest (even to the point of bluntness), hardworking (I know you have an illness, but if you're capable of making your own money, you won't seem like a leech to him), and caring. And also, listen to him. Don't take things too fast - but be deliberate. Flirt with him, make moves, but don't get clingy or feel like you want to rush into a relationship.
Most importantly, just have fun. If he doesn't take you out to cool places to show you around, get out the phone book and start looking up cool dining facilities, drive in theaters, beaches, etc. and invite him to "explore" your new environment with you. If you both are online gamers, chances are you need to get out more anyways, and having dates, even if the romantic context isn't what you wish it was, is healthy and fun.
i think this guy has some issues he has to deal with on his own, on his own time. i'm not talking about the sickness, but the fact that he was burned by his ex and, as a result, is not totally trusting of others.
that being said, just because he's not ready to be in a relationship at the moment doesn't mean he isn't ready for a friendship to blossom. i think in his case, he's more the show-me-you-care type rather than the tell-me-you-care. soo...show him you care and that you're willing to take things slowly but are also open to the possibility of becoming more than just friends. good luck!
I think you got your answers, so I wish you the best of luck.
I think he has major trust issues that may be perpetuated by his illness and any female contact he may come to build. i don't think you could help 'replacing' his bad memories of his ex with your presence. the concept that you guys are willing to "take it slow and just be friends" is attempting to obviousness that two of you are attracted to each other. If he's the one who wants to implement this condition of being "friends" then shouldn't he have not shared that he's "into" you in a level that's beyond platonic?
YES, what has happened to him with his ex is horrible. But you're not HER. It's been TWO years. I'm sure his mental disorder isn't helping the matter of getting BETTER but not only is this issue crippling his physical being (the disorders going crazy after having to have met you) also it's crippling any chance for YOU to enjoy a 'healthy' relationship (of any kind). I think you should just let him figure things out before getting yourself into a prophecized mess. Do you REALLY need to go forward to know what kind of turmoil this would lead??
This is a tough one. It sounds like you both have problems that are too big to deal with on your own. I think it would be a good move for you both to talk to a counselor about this.
For you, talking to a counselor could help you figure out this dilemma. For him, he sounds miserable most of the time—a counselor may be able to help him as well.
This sounds like a plot for a movie. . . but it seems to be fate for the both of you guys. I would be patient with this, it's obviously going somewhere. Eventually something will come about.
Give it some time =)
don't quote me... but it seems doing something a little counter-intuitive may help a bit - i.e. do something "negative" (not too negative though) - why? If his memory tends to remember negative experiences better than everything else... then if you really would like to be on his mind, you would need to do something somewhat negative.
Thinking about it again... I wouldn't follow this.
I think even though he's kind of sending mixed signals, you should take a step back and let the relationship develop slowly, since he is the hurting party in this case. If/when he's comfortable with the pace, you two can pick it up when he's ready. Of course, don't wait forever.. But a little bit of slow going couldn't hurt, especially if you're into him, too.
Actions are better than words, so prove to him that you're not just another girl like his ex. Also, give him some time. It seems like you really like him, and if you really do, try to understand his situation.
Umm. I really shouldn't be talking, but from my experience abd from seeing people around me.. I feel that at least one person in the relationship has to be stable. I'm not saying this is you, but I know that after few months of being sick, people tend to become depressed for one reason or another (hence being unstable), and if the other person isn't stable either... it's gonna get rough real quick.
I mean when people in general in pain or emotional distress, they tend to get snappy and tempermental real quick, no?
Just some random opinion though :)
@SnowGlobe2954@xanga - I agree wholeheartedly with your statements.
I know this site is supposed to be about helping others in a positive light, and being supportive through it all. You're probably not going to like what I have to hear.
You sound like you're yearning for a relationship, for a connection to another on a basic level, for face to face human interaction. Through MMO's(and various other online social venues), you can definitely build relationships and friendships that can seem fulfilling on the level you think you need them to be, but oftentimes you'd just be hurting yourself. Your health dilemma does not make anything easier, I'm sure.
From everything that you've written of him, he's not emotionally stable. From how you've written this, you're not in the greatest emotional shape either. Your anxiousness is clouding your judgment. Also, you claim to be confused and I hope this is confusion about what to do, because you really seem to know why everything is occurring here.
You sound like you want to fix him, be his savior. Your confidence on the matter also borders on arrogance. I'm glad your so sure he's going to feel the same way about all this as you, but you also need to recognize that another person's feelings and emotions are not yours to try and change. You can be there for him, you can lend an ear, a shoulder, a hug, but you can't try and be responsible for how he feels, and that sounds EXACTLY like what you're trying to do.
I don't think you're ready for any of this at all, but if you feel you are, here:
To REALLY answer your question(the last one in your post), do nothing but what you've been doing. You're not a teenager anymore. Relationships aren't what they were back in high school. Keep going out on dates like the one you went on at first. Build your relationship from the ground up, because that's where you're at. Be sure to talk to him about following up ASAP after your date so that you can discuss the things that both of you will be feeling. That will help build your personal connection as well as helping him to move more towards the happiness he feels with you rather than the sadness he feels about his (now distant)ex.
If things are meant to be, and you both are there for each other, you will realize even deeper passions for him than you already feel, and he will realize you're everything his life has been missing. I wish you the best of luck!
GO FOR IT!!
Absolutely honestly in my opinion I think this guy has way too much going on for you right now.
He needs some sick (and by sick, I mean intense) therapy sessions, medications absolutely for sure (if he's not medicated by now then I would be MORE scared) and probably some cognitive therapy.
Until he's got a huge support system to help him live more of a normal life (because what he's got CAN be overcome), I would say stay away from him unless you want a world of hurt. He won't try to do it, but it will happen anyways.
I DO HAVE ISSUES OF RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT VERY WORK AS I PLAN IT