Miss PenguinI feel like I've been writing a lot about politeness lately… I guess
it's because I’m in New York where people don’t tend to bother being
polite (which is sad, by the way). In the past couple months I have had
way too many guys invite themselves over to my apartment. Well, really
even just one is too many. But it's happened now four or five times.
Most of the time, they are doing so in a "let's hook up" sense, too. I
find this completely appalling for many reasons.
First of all,
I grew up being taught that you don't impose yourself on other people.
Inviting yourself over imposes on others, so you don't do it. Second of
all, how incredibly presumptuous of you to assume that not only am I
going to hook up with you, but we're going to do it in my apartment.
Third, if you want to hook up with me so badly, why don't you invite me
over to your place? If I'm not welcome at your place, why should you be
welcome at mine?
Most of the guys who've invited themselves over
lately either a) live with their parents or b) don't want me to come
to their place because it’s a pigsty or something.
To me, honestly, if
you are not in a position to bring someone back to your apartment,
maybe you shouldn’t be trying to hook up with people (hint hint – move
out of your parents' house, guys who have graduated from college! It's
not attractive!)...or at the very least, find a smoother way to get the
other person to invite you over. If they haven't invited you over, you
should never invite yourself. It comes off as a little desperate and if
they haven't invited you, they probably don't want you coming over.
Plus, I think the one who is trying to instigate the hooking up should
be the one to invite the other person over.
Bottom line is,
though, no matter what the context, it's rude to invite yourself over
and particularly appalling when you're also shamelessly trying to get
in my pants (which I don't appreciate either guys, thanks).
If you're spending the night with your BF/GF, do you usually end up at your place or his/hers? How do you decide where to go?
Comments (32)
When we were dating(before we were living together) he always came to my house. Our situation was quite different though, because we were still in our teens(given it was 18, 19 kind of teens). He had to share a room with his brother, because he didn't have a job yet.
I did stay a couple times when he was living with his friend, but that was weird, and I never slept well.
It's always seems that way in relationships or sometimes, just flings.
When I was with my last girlfriend, I went over to her house more. Even when she had her own car, we still hung out at her place.
girls are usually reluctant to go into a relative stranger's home, no? i don't really know the etiquette tho...
I find people inviting themselves over to be rude as hell. I hate when people take that attitude and just kind of invite themselves over to people's houses. I don't like it being done to me, so I wouldn't do it to them.
Second, I spend my weekends (every single one) at my boyfriend's house, it's like a permanent living arrangement.
@john@xanga - I'm not saying I wouldn't be hesitant if they invited me over (in fact, I would not go with any of these guys who have invited themselves over to my place in the last month or so because I'm not so much into random hookups) but at least I would think they were less rude if they had invited me instead of trying to invite themselves over to my place.
Ugh!! This happened to me on Friday from some guy I met the night before. Everyone I spoke to agrees that this invitation is nothing more than a booty call bc if the guy really wanted to get to know you, he would not mind asking you out for coffee (or some other inexpensive outing--musuem, parks, etc) in a mutual location even if we live in expensive NYC where alot of people don't drive. Eventually as you get to know her better, maybe she will extend an invitation to the crib, but before then it is extremely rude to invite yourself over.
i don't people to impose, either. i don't feel like it's imposing when it's the gf, though. i'd probably invite her before she'd have to suggest my place. it's good to mix it up, though, and having an untidy living space is UNacceptable. i keep it clean. =)
It depends on who is visiting. We live on opposite sides of the country, so if he is visiting me, he stays here. When I go see him, I stay at his house. We'll see what happens once he moves closer, chances are we will compromise depending on who is working more at the time.
She usually ended up in my house. No big thing though.
He usually stays at my house because it is acceptable to the parental unit, while his mother doesn't accept it.
if a guy that you hardly know is assuming that he's going to be invited over for WHATEVER the reason may be, then it's presumptuous. But if it's a gf/bf i don't think it is. Especially if my boyfriend has said something along the lines of: "wish you didn't have to leave~" although I always do. ahah...PLUS I live with my family, that would be weird in the morning....
Well your question asked about boyfriends and girlfriends but I thought it sounded like you were talking about guys you were just dating...
Either way, I tend to be more comfortable at my own place, simply because I'm used to it. However, I wouldn't like it if they said the only place to go would be to my place, since I live in a dorm room and my roomie isn't always gone.
If the guy suggests staying at a friend's place, that's just weird for me to stay there. I'd rather go to their own apartment or house. Otherwise, I feel like I'm imposing on the friend.
When I had a BF, I always stayed at his place. I was more comfortable there because his parents didn't care and we were able to hang out and cuddle. My parents, on the other hand, were the type to tell me to keep the door open or stay in the living room, so it always made it really awkward. And when I did stay at his place, the parentals didn't know.
We're long distance, so where we end up for the night is always pre-planned.
The problem is that it cost too much in NYC to get a hotel.
Considering that my boyfriend's mom hates my guts, throughout our relationship we always hung out in either a public area when I was living at home or my place since my parents were okay with that or at my place now that I have my own place for several years now. But if anyone invites themselves over (friends or just people I am not comfortable with), I always make excuses. I find it extremely rude, but can't find the heart to say so directly..
I am 35 and live about 30 min North of the Big Apple, and trust me, over the GWB the boys are just as bad! I usually find that because I live alone they ASSUME we are crashing at my place, like I run a Marriot or something! Oh, and the main reason that I found most guys want to crash at my place are because of the obvious 1 they want sex and 2 they still live at home with mom and dad!
Yes! I have a 39 year old EX of 7 years (broke up with him in Jan this year) who STILL LIVES AT HOME! I ended the relationship after waiting and waiting for him to move out already! And guess what! The next guy I dated lived at home too! Where are the independent men anymore????
I always invite them to my place so I dunno. Hook ups that is. If I ever get a GF I will let you know (probably not unless this gets reposted again).
I HATE HATE HATE people who invite themselves over. Wtf...? get a home!
"Sorry, not tonight."
Inviting yourself over is rude. Personally, I don't bring up the let's go to your place thing. I know my limits beforehand. If anything, I'd rather take her to my place just to hang out. In my case, that means video games, movies, and whatever she wants to do( that doesn't involve taking clothes off)
@That_Girl_74 - You're very intuitive. I wasn't talking about boyfriends/girlfriends, but the datingish head people like to put questions at the end of posts that will prompt conversation.
@beebeak@xanga - This does not give me much hope for my romantic future... *sigh* I'm even frustrated when guys who are 22 live with their parents. Oy. If I can be independent and make a living on my own, why can't they?
I'm actually fine with guys who still live at home as long as they are not married yet (and is under 30 yrs old..). But inviting themselves to YOUR home? Thats rude and uncalled for! Who do they think they are? I hope you turned them all down for good.
And btw, if me and my bf had to go to a house, it's usually their place. My parents never really approved of my ex-bfs.. but theirs usually approved of me..
At my age? Where ever the parents are in the best mood!
(This will change soon!)
I always stay over at my bf's house almost 7days/week. I only stay at my own house for a day per week. I have to get use staying at his hse if not next time we get marry i will feel like a werido in his family.
I dunno if it should be quite as high on your rude-o-meter. But it is a little off putting. Never hurts to straight up ask the guy why.
I've lived in a lot of different situations in the past few years - bad roommates, good roommates, nice appartment, shitty apartment - and where I end up with my dates really depends on the specific situation. If it wasn't gonna be my place, I'd totally explain why. That's just decent.