This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.My parents are very traditional
Chinese parents. They don't want me dating anyone who is not Chinese.
Currently, I have a very white boyfriend. I have nothing against
Chinese men. I just have never been able to find anyone that I clicked
with. My first boyfriend was half Japanese/half Irish & Italian. My
second boyfriend was half Chinese/half Portuguese, German & French.
They knew about my second boyfriend, but didn't think he was "Chinese
enough".
My parents know my current boyfriend, but they know him as
just my friend. They have suspected some things, and have asked me if
we were dating, but I can't tell them that we are. Not yet. I'm not
quite ready to see my parents' heads blow up from anger. Actually, no I
take that back. It's mostly my dad that has an issue with my dating
someone who isn't Chinese. My mom doesn't seem to mind TOO much.
Although, she would prefer if he was Chinese.
I know that if he was Chinese, my parents would absolutely love him.
This
definitely makes things hard for my boyfriend because he wants to tell
my parents, I'm just not ready to deal with the drama that will come
with that confession.
How can I talk to my parents about my dating someone they could potentially love/hate?
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Comments (139)
My parents, thankfully, are not so "traditional" - they are Chinese, but they don't mind me dating guys of different races as long as they profess the same religion as we do. As such I don't know how exactly to help you, because our situations aren't the same. But I hope and I pray that things will work out for you. It sucks big time, I know, to have parents like that... but hopefully something good can come out of this.
No! I can change!
Seriously, this happens with any ethnicity, and with some ethnic groups go as far as saying that the person you are dating is not good enough because they don't speak the right dialectic language, or they are from a certain region, or worse yet, they don't know how to cook the regional cuisine.
Sometimes its not worth it to alienate your family, but in most cases, they will have to accept it no matter what you do...even if they don't like it.
how old are you?
if you're 18 or older, why are you letting your parents control any aspect of your life?
sorry cant help you too... my dad is indian and my mum is chinese... i dun think they care abut someones race....
i think u should tell them the truth though and say u like this guy.... i dun know... ts just me i hate lying... its too tiring....
good luck
It happened something similar to me. But she was 100% chinese and me, being 100% italian "should have found an italian girl" in my family's opinion. By luck that, knowing her little by little they didn't pay too much attention to the fact she wasn't italian...
maybe putting in touch your boyfriend with your parents would soften their opinions towards non-chinese boyfriends...and you'll know him better on the other hand.
@xThe_Future_Is_Unwrittenx@xanga - family values and acceptance matters to many people. Plus in many non American cultures 18 is not a number to do whatever you please
@xThe_Future_Is_Unwrittenx@xanga -
@healthyish@xanga -
I agree with both of you but still--what century are we living in?
Things have changed and some people have to come to terms with this "change".
If you're old enough to make your own decisions, definitely date who you want to. My parents aren't traditional like the way your parents seem, but they would prefer it if my boyfriend was Chinese as well but only because it will just make the relationship go smoother because of the similarities. Or so they say.
Your parents should learn to accept your boyfriend no matter what. If they like him as your friend, then they should like him as your boyfriend as well. It's only that one little extra 3 letter word in front of "friend". haha.
This was the premisse for an episode of King of the Hill
@naguyin@xanga - this type of "change" is also the reason why America has the highest divorce rate in the world.
@naguyin@xanga - @naguyin@xanga - it doesn't matter which century we are living in. In Chinese culture/tradition, family always comes first over everything. Even if you are over 18, you still have to listen and respect your elders (adults). Supposedly, the elders know best. Besides, marrying someone has a lot of consequences on the family's outter image to the Chinese community. The non-Chinese boyfriend will enter the entire extended family if the couple decides to get married; therefore, it is important that the parents make sure that the girl is making the right decision or she may cause embarassment to the entire family line. (situation is worse with a non-Chinese).
I know these traditions are wrong sometimes and parents should let their children date whoever they want, but parental control is also important. Besides, even if he is non-Chinese, I think the girl's parents would accept him over time if he impresses them . ^_< Example: My mom (Chinese) hates all of my friends at first and always complains about them. However, she slowly accepts and tolerates them over time. =)
@healthyish@xanga - That is mostly because people tend to rush into things they are not ready to handle.
@IchigoBunny@xanga - I'm Asian too and I pretty much follow those traditions. My parents want me to marry an Asian person but I'm not going to let them control who I love.
These traditions sometimes fall into a category of 'blind faith' doesn't it? We follow them without regards as to whether we can truly be happy following them.
@ALMOST_Spankyyy@xanga - Curse those "Friend" prefixes!
@xThe_Future_Is_Unwrittenx@xanga - If the poster was anything other than asian, I would tend to agree. A lot of us (asians) live at home past the age of 18, so our parents still pretty much rule the roost (you know, the old "you live under my roof"), and there's the fact that we're brought up to respect our elders. Not saying that other nationalities don't, but saying it's even moreso with asians. My parents are both Japanese, but thankfully they never gave me too much of a hard time about the nationality of my boyfriends. Good thing since most of my boyfriends (and the ex husband) were non-asians. Oh yeah, my mom hinted around a lot about getting an asian boyfriend, but not much more than that!
I'm pretty sure your parents both know what's going on, they just don't want to acknowledge it. As a parent myself, I have to tell you that your parents aren't as 'stupid' as you think they are. It took me to have kids to figure that out about mine! I mean, really...do you HAVE to tell them? You aren't exactly going to marry the guy, are you? And they call him your 'friend'. That was my parents code word for 'that's her boyfriend'. lol
I think people have to understand a little about Chinese culture before they can give advice. Regardless of your age & the fact you might not live at home, you always have to honor your parents. I don't know how else to explain it but to put it plainly like that. Also, in my opinion, Chinese people are probably the most racist group out there. I have encountered many Chinese families where parents demand their children only date & marry Chinese people. If they don't, they will disown them. That isn't an empty threat either. Now that I think of it, this is actually true of most Asian cultures. I know Koreans are like this too. [My boyfriend is Korean & his father gave his oldest sister a difficult time when she married a Caucasian. He almost refused to attend the wedding & for a while, he'd ignore her husband & rarely talked to his daughter. Even now, he still harbors some ill feelings toward them [he's refused to hold his first grandchild!] but he has softened up a bit over the years.]
While I am Taiwanese/Chinese, I'm thankful my parents don't set a strict limit of the ethnicity I can date. They don't care if he's African American, Caucasian, or whatever. Their only requirement is that he be a Christian.
That said, it's not going to be hard but I'm sure your parents already have an inkling that your "friend" is actually your boyfriend. I dunno how serious you & your boyfriend are about your relationship but if you're considering marriage.. I'd suggest you invite your boyfriend to spend as much time as possible with your family so that they get to know him & hopefully they can warm up to him. It also helps if your boyfriend is willing to pick up the language or learn a bit about the culture & shows the effort to get to know your family. Hopefully that will help yours & his relations with your parents, especially when you two are thinking the long run. Good luck! :)
That's what I hope to do as well when it comes time for me to officially meet my boyfriend's parents! I'm planning on picking up Korean so that I can better communicate with his parents & grandma. I've already met his sisters & things seem to go well.. & while I haven't met his grandma or mom, they also seem to like me. I figure it can't hurt if I learned Korean! [Earn me some extra brownie points! lol.] While my boyfriend is well received by my family, he also plans on learning Chinese [with my help] so that he can better communicate with my parents & we have an extra language to talk to each other in when we're in public & don't want anyone else to understand what we're saying. :)
I think the fact that your parents would "absolutely love" your boyfriend if he were Chinese gives you a leg up already. Your parents love you and ultimately want you to be happy -- if race really is the only problem they have with your boyfriend, I think that you can persuade them around to your side, as long as you keep pressing the issue. They won't be thrilled, but I think if there are no other complaints, they will come around.
I know what you mean about not wanting to deal with the drama of confessing to your parents, and the stress this places on your relationship with your parents. As one of the commenters said though, your parents probably already know. I am asian, dating a white guy, and I finally got the courage to tell my parents like a year and a half after we started dating --turns out they already knew. Even my grandmother knew, and she doesn't even live with us, she just came to visit.
It causes huge fights whenever I go home because my dad will not let me see my bf alone. And this is where the "I pay for your tuition and feed you, you do what I say" comes into play, since I cannot bring myself to disobey blatantly and risk getting cut off. And I've just never openly disobeyed my parents before. It does cause a lot of tension between my boyfriend and me, since he can't understand how I can be 20 yrs old and still allow my parents this much influence. Of course, i think you have the advantage in your situation since race is the only hang up --my dad is fine with me dating white guys, it's this particular guy that he's decided to dislike (without ever meeting him).
There isn't really an easy way around it, but I would suggest first letting your parents meet him in a group and getting to know him (e.g. have him over with a few other friends) before just having him over alone. I think they will be reasonable as long as you don't back down, if race is the only issue. Good luck!
HAHA we have the same problem. or at least i had that before i was single..
my parents always say "oh i dont really care who you date"
but they really do.
especially if they're not asian, or chinese to be more specific.
my ex is latin. my parents didn't say much. but i can tell they don't like him at the very beginning..
the excuse my dad used was, "latin people are horny"
really?
and chinese people are just not?
anyway. going back to your story.
so what are you going to do if your parents absolute hate your bf?
are you going to break up w/ him?
do you think your parents view matters as much as you think?
because really
you are the one thats dating that guy, not your parents.
yes of course all respects to parents. but still
you can't just date someone you dont like as much just because you know it will please your parents.
i think you should just let them know.
especially since your bf is ready for it.
explain it to him of what might have happen
im sure everything will be fine.
It's sometimes harder to date outside your race/ethnicity because of the different lifestyles each person has lived, etc. Maybe your parents just want someone whose ideals are the same, etc. That's hugely biased, I know, because that isn't to say that more Chinese person has values in line with those of your family, but I dunno... the train of thought makes sense to me.
For me, we've always seen the tv shows/movies where the black girl is dating a white man. I'm afraid of being that girl, lol. I know my parents totally don't care but I also know that if I did marry a white guy and have kids that forever onwards my family tree would have white people in it. Because of me. Kiiiiinda crazy to think of it that way!
Touchy subject, some families are very strict and traditional. At some point i have to wonder who's happiness is more important? The parents could be happy but the daughter is miserable or vice versa.
I've seen this with a few of my friends, sometimes its just easier to not bother dating until you get old enough and independent enough to simply move out. But if your parents are very important to you, this could really be a life long issue.
My family isn't traditional but they would like it if I brought home a chinese girl but it's not a requirement. I wonder if maybe its an issue of continuing family traditions and passing those customs down to your children.
Tell your family you don't want kids ever and they will freak. Actually i don't think my family cares. Oh thank god.
I know my parents won't mind who I date... since I'm 1/2 Filipino and 1/2 Mexican.
But it's one of my biggest fears that the guy's parents will hate me because I'm not the same race.
I think you're parents will eventually come around. Just pray... or do whatever you do to build the courage to tell them. It will take time.
Keep it a secret until after you're already married.
No, just kidding. Seriously, just let them know. They'll be mad at first but ultimately, if you're happy, I'm sure they will be, too. Or they'll at least get used to it!
I have the same problem with my extremely traditional Filipino parents. It's ridiculous. I brought home my ex who was Mexican and they questioned his motives. When I bring home Filipinos, they want to know all about them.
It'll never end!
Make them fall in love with his characteristics first. You have to talk about all the positives without mentioning that he isn't Chinese. When they seem to be satisfied enough with his credentials, drop the confessional bomb.
'He's going to law school/going to become a doctor/serious about his education, he respects me, another positive quality, another positive quality...' Verbal evidence is also good, like, 'He's so romantic - he sent flowers to me at the office!'
~~Mary~~
I've been there, but usually on the other end of the spectrum. My boyfriends/love interests have been all sort of different races BUT black. My parents don't mind who I bring home, but usually it's the guy's parents that mind...
Apparently dating a black girl still isn't acceptable to quite a few people despite the fact that I'm very nice, respectful, and smart. Whatever.=[
I don't know how you can go about talking to your parents, but the one thing you have to keep in mind is that you can't control their reactions. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst and maybe the possibility that you'll have to choose between him and your family.Good luck
Be honest, you're dating him, not committing a crime. My parents have finally accepted the fact that I just MIGHT date people they don't like because I told them that I didn't care what they thought, I'd date whoever I wanted.
Luckily, my parents are pretty open minded. My extended family, not so. But like you, I haven't clicked with anyone that is Asian (We have different opinions on everything i.e. I listen to 80s music and they listen to Rn'B which I am not into).
It depends on how tough your parents are to this "rule". I think that you should just let your parents warm up to him a bit. Hopefully, they'll love him and see that a Chinese boy is not the only option.
@CrazyMai07@xanga - But you're so pretty! I do not understand certain people nowadays.