Saturday, 27 September 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: How Do I Get Over a Cheater?
Dr. Datingish
My boyfriend of two years cheated on me and I don't know what to do.
He is in Florida interning, while I'm in NY. Is it easier to get over him because he's far away...or is it harder?
How do I get over him and stop thinking about him?
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Comments (26)
Its going to be soooo much easier since he is farther away. This way, yall arent so easily accessible. You cant just call and meet up, or swing by his house. Or....he cant surprise you at your work.
Forget about him. Think about how he cheated and how on earth did he "forget" about you enough to be with another person. Anyone who cheats doesnt have their significant other ON THE TOP.....dont tolerate that. Think about him kissing her, his arms around her waist...on her chest......all the details...it will break your heat and make you sad and hurt......but it'll be easier to get over. Its going to hurt real bad...but it shall pass.
Give yourself some time to grieve. Cry hard till your shoulders concave in and eyes swell up. Let it all out. Then....clean up your place, putting away things that will remind you of him. Heck, move things around and redecorate. Once youre ready, surround yourself with friends. Do something once a day, get out of the house. Being with others will distract you from the pain. Soon enough youll be smiling, leading your own life, once again.
=)
Stop having any sort of communication with him, and give yourself time. Enjoy other things in life that don't require him to be in the picture.
It is easier because the more you see him and the less he's in your life, the less amount of time you're going to thinking about him. Unfortunately, only time can heal.
I'd say it's a little of both. It's harder 'cause you feel like you don't have closure since you discovered this over the course of your long distance relationship & you can't see him easily to discuss what happened & get that feeling of it's over. Yet it's also easier 'cause he's farther away. "Out of sight, out of mind." hehe.
What you need right now is to surround yourself with you girlfriends. Have them come over a few nights & spend a few nights indoors watching movies or just catching up. Also, go out a few nights.. either to see a movie or go dancing. This is a great time to do whatever else that makes you happy & you haven't had the chance to do in a long time.
It also helps if you box up all the things he's given you & all the pictures you have together & then put it away in some corner. That will help minimize the hurt 'cause you won't see it constantly & be reminded of what happened.
I do hope you're not in touch with him 'cause if you are, you also have to cut off all ties of communication. Don't bother being friends 'cause it's not healthy for you. It'd only hinder your ability to move on & get over what happened. Don't use the excuse that you were friends for a long time either 'cause it won't help. You're gonna have to be strong & it's going to stink but you'll be for the better in the end. :) Good luck! I wish you the best~
@XxNoLifeKing_AlucardxX@xanga -
Definitely don't talk to him. If you lived in the same place, I'd give the same exact advice because it's still working for me.
@oOBuBBLes711Oo@xanga -
great advice
Realize that he is not worth your time, if he disrespected you for the time you were together. Take advantage of the distance and dedicate yourself to searching for - and pursuing - available men. Tell yourself you need to let go in order to live your life! If he wants to come back into your life, realize that cheating men rarely change their ways.
~~Mary~~
It's tough. My ex of 10 yrs cheated too... I found out 6 months ago. We don't talk anymore, not even as friends. Trust me, I still think about him, not because I miss him but because he was such a huge part of my life before. Little things will trigger a thought or a memory of "us" but whatever, it'll pass. The first 3 months were the hardest for me. I cried EVERYFREAKINGDAY for 3 months. I'd go to class and tears would just stream down my face. I thought I couldn't live without him. But after those 3 months, the last 3 months have been great. I was able to do things that I've pushed off doing for him, etc. It's going to be tough for a while but time will heal all wounds.
The way I see my situation was this: He (my ex) was a great friend, a great son, and a great classmate even. He's never done anyone wrong...so why, when he finally decided to betray someone's trust or backstab someone, he chose me? The ONE person that he was most intimate with and the one person that he claimed he loved (I was his first & only gf)? I dont want people like that in my life because I'm better than that and I definitely deserve to be treated better than that.
Know you didn't deserve to be treated this way and never let this person back into your life again. He may not realize what he's lost now, but he will when the time comes. As long as you dont see this person or talk to this person it's much easier. I've got friends who work/go to school with their exes and it's tough going back to being "friends" again.
And I'm terribly sorry that you have to go through this. I remember the pain I felt like it just happened yesterday, it was the TOUGHEST 3 months of my life. To lose your best friend, your soulmate, and the person you wanted to grow old with (so I thought) to someone that he barely knew/met (for less than a month) shattered me completely. I can honestly tell you, that today (6 months later), I am GLAD that it happened. Everything happens for a reason. Hopefully, you can find your "reason" for why this happened and that it probably did happen for the better..... GOOD LUCK.
I've been in pretty much the same boat for the past few months. My boyfriend of 3 years was caught by me trying to set himself up with some girl off the internet. What really got me was that he was due to be going to a different province for training, and talking sooo much about how we'd make a long-distance relationship work. Yeah. Right.
So in answer to your question, I think the distance thing is both good and bad. On one hand, he's not on hand to try and convince you that he didn't mean it, that he'll change, that it'll never happen again. This means that you get to cut off all ties and move on and find somebody who's actually worth your time.
On the other hand, without that constant "keeping up your defences" against his attempts, you are in danger of falling into the "well maybe things weren't AS bad as I thought.." trap, where you can't help but remember good times and think maybe, just maybe, he deserves another chance or something. (FYI, he doesn't. EVER.)
So it's a good and bad thing. But, overall, I say it's a good thing. Because the longer you are apart and not communicating AT ALL, then the less and less you'll think about it, and brood, and remember good things which might make you want to forget what a stinking liar he is. So stick with the no communication, be grateful you never have to see him, and heal up!
How you get over him is intensely personal, and anything we offer you is hit-or-miss. As to how you stop thinking about him, I would suggest that when something of that magnitude occurs it is only natural to think about it.
So don't worry. You'll find your own path.
go out and fuck as many guys as possible. Jk.
Go be with your girlfriends and have them help you cope. You just got screwed over by someone close, got to replace that with friends that generally care for you. After some time (to be determined by you) you have to reevaluate the relationship to 1) see if its worth saving 2) to see if you even can.
He was your bf so you can be the judge of whether he should be given a 2nd chance (if it was a one time thing) or if you want toss him aside.
Spend time keeping busy with your life, your life outside this guy. Spend some time alone to kind of reflect on it all and reflect on who you are. Then when you are comfortable start dating again.
Unfortunately the only thing that heals these wounds is time. Him being far away will help a little because you won't have to worry about bumping into him and whatnot. But it can take a long time for things to stop reminding you of him, and that's the hardest part.
But definitely dump him. I don't necessarily think "once a cheater always a cheater" but that trust is broken now so you need to move on.
@oOBuBBLes711Oo@xanga - That sounds like a terrible idea. I dont think you have to harbor hate for someone to get over them, that's not the point. The point is for you to HEAL, and hating him is just going to hurt you more. I know this for a fact--holding a grudge is just going to cripple you for your next relationship. Be positive about your future, someone who's ten times better is out there for you. Besides, just because he cheated on you doesnt make him a bad person, he just made a bad decision that hurt you--forgive him in your heart for his stupidity and move on.
I think the easiest way, like someone said, is let time heal your wounds. Let nature run its course. Learn more about what makes you you, find out more of what you like and what you want out of life. Once you do all that, you'll feel like a more complete person who doesnt need another individual to "complete" you. I think it's flawed to think that way anyway, we should all be complete on our own rather than think that someone else can make us completely happy. Dont settle for anything less than the best.
=[
It'll be easier.Out of sight, out of mind.Just try to live your life and as time goes on it gets so much easier.
It's going to be hard for a long time. In fact, I don't even think time is the issue. It's probably going to be hard until you meet someone new. And then that new person will eventually start filling up the space he did in your head and heart. Then you'll make new memories that will cover up the painful ones. And God willing, you'll never have to remember that pain.
easier
I don't know what kind of advice to specifically give you since I don't know much about your situation. Just try not to catastrophize or even more importantly, to generalize all guys/relationships as this one. There will be good and honest, trustworthy people in your future. Be confident about that and move the fuck on. This is in no way your fault so don't put yourself through hell because of it.
i think it all depends on if you plan to stay with him or dump him. if you dump him, which i recommend, then it will be easier, but if you plan to stay with him, it will be incredibly hard.
I'm so sorry for you, and I hope that time heals your wounds. I'm in Florida interning also, and my boyfriend is in Michigan. I really hope I'm not "that girl." Good luck.
P.S.~ A pint of Ben and Jerrys and "Sleepless in Seattle" may seem like a good idea at the time, but it won't help your broken heart. It will make you feel like you're on a cheesy romantic comedy. trust me, I've had experience.
dont talk to him or let him in!
my boyfriend did the same to me in january and im still getting over it. time makes it easier. i know thats hard to take because you cant hurry time but really babe its giong to be alot easier for you with him futher away
GOOD LUCK WITH IT
just keep reminding yourself that anyone who treats you like that isnt worht the effort. youre better than that
cheating on someone is the worst thing someone can do. he knew what he was doing and could have stopped himself - but he chose not to.
he probably told you he was sorry, and maybe he even meant it, but the damage is done - and you need to realize that it is not acceptable
the fact that he's so far is defiantly easier, because all you lost was an emotional attachment to this guy.
you'll meet someone who will treat you right and forget all about him.
for now, just go to a bar, meet new people, hang out with friends, go shopping - whatever. just don't sit around and think about him so much.
Everything you need to know about getting over someone is right here:
http://weblog.xanga.com/AnswerGuy/20728103/item.html
I'm not saying that some of those methods are the best way or even a healthy way... but it's a basic collection of methods we all use to get it done. I'm not saying they'll all work for you or that your morals will allow the last 3 methods... besides... i'm just trying to make people laugh... On a serious note, they've all worked for me in some way... even if it meant that I didn't think about her for a couple of hrs...
It's much easier to get ovr him since he won't be around to remind you of him. And throw out any of his stuff...it will help
Look I just went thru the cheating thing last year and I too find it is hard to deal with(i'm not right yet) but it will get easier and remember not all MEN are the same.
But don't just go out and fk your brains out cause that doesn't help the hurt....thats as stupid as saying ...go get drunk...either one is addictive'
It's almost emotionally damaging as death...there is a grieving part..their is that pissed part....and then the loneliness and emptiness......it is a part of life that some of us go thru and get thru.
As long as you have friends and family for support you WILL make it thru this.......
Drop the dirty bastard like he's a hot coal. This is what I did when I found out my boyfriend of many years cheated on me:
1) threw all his personal belongings that he left in my apartment away
2) Went out, got a pedi and drastically cut/color/changed my hair
3) Stopped thinking about him and moved on because I was entirely too good for him any way.
Forget the 12 step program, I got it figured out in 3.
Move on men are pigs, i have been cheated on twice that was always a deal breaker so when she did it to me again, i cut off all contact. Wish the nest and cya later. You are to good for that, he is not worth the pain.