Mr. LionRecently I wrote a post about Rachel, the girl I had a crush on but didn’t pursue because she was
kissing a random guy in a bar. Things like that bother me because it says this person probably does this on a regular basis and might not even be clean. For all I know, she could have been the type to have sex when she's drunk or, better yet, have a STD. Yeah, it's a stretch, but people do have random drunken sex and many have STDs.
That’s something that I try to be aware of - a partner's sexual background - before starting to date seriously. Why continue dating someone that has a STD or who's had a slew of other sexual partners? It's not an easy subject to bring up to a partner because it can be embarrassing or uncomfortable, but it's definitely necessary.
I haven't had too much trouble bringing the topic up; in fact, they were glad I had brought it up first.
Because most of my dating took place in high school and college, none of my girlfriends had extensive sexual backgrounds. But now that I'm starting to date again it's something that I will have to ask again.
I've had people ask me what if I fall in love with someone who didn't tell me about their prior sexual history early on...sorry, but that's a dealbreaker. As much as I may love the person, I'll have to learn to live without her. It's better than living with some disease she may have. I may sound like Tony Shalhoub from Monk, but I just like to be careful of who I'm dating.
Do you think it's rude to ask a partner about his or her sexual background? When is the right time to ask?
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Comments (50)
Good Article!!!God Bless!!!
I think that is important information to have. I would probably ask on the first or second date. But, that probably means that you should wait longer to ask than that.
I think you have to ask! I wouldn't ask to early on though. When things start to get more serious. Asking to early on could freak the person out.
I look at it a little differently. Just because someone had a very sexual past doesn't necessarily mean they would have an STD. I know that's not the point you're making. But certainly, there are those who would love someone regardless of their past. For me, I wouldn't really bring it up until I'm involved deeply with them. Even if they had an STD, that wouldn't stop me from loving them. Sure, it would be somewhat harder to have sex, but sex isn't the main priority of a relationship. It's not like they have leprosy or something that extreme.
Ahaha. I wiikd ask in the start of the relationship before any sexual things happen, that way, you will know for sure if you want to forward with the relationship.
Xo
It's certainly not a topic for a first date. Just make sure it's before the first sexual relation between the two of you. That can be in the moment where you two get hot and heavy, that can always be interrupted by such a conversation - and the rest put off for later, if at all.
As for the higher risk of people who kiss a random guy, don't be fooled. STDs are transmitted by folks people know, too (quite often actually). There's a huge number of people walking around with herpes and if you've slept with only a handful of people in your life, chances are still pretty high you've already been exposed to it at least once. That does not mean you'll show symptoms. It's definitely a good idea to ask these questions. How far into getting to know someone that you ask is a matter of personal preference though. I'd say if it's a no-brainer the relationship is out the window once this is known... don't string along the other person, ask sooner rather than later. Save the deeper emotions of rejection and ask sooner, the rejection will hurt less that way.
I think you should get to know a person better and figure it out from what they tell you about their past and what they did. If you don't feel like they're telling you everything, then that's not a keeper to begin with. If you're getting serious and think you might have sex with the person then maybe you should start off by sharing your sexual history and rolling that into a conversation about theirs. I don't think you should ask it as if you were examining the other person for ticks. Also, they might not know if they have an STD because they might not get checked, especially if they don't care about themselves enough to use protection. So I'm not suring asking is going to do you much good.
Another option would be to wait until you get married or prepared for marriage and then get checked for STDs together. But, I'm guessing since you've already started to have premarital sex that that won't be an option for you.
I've always wondered about that.
I could casually bring up the sexual history, but about STDs or disease? When do you ask those questions, and how do you do it without making the situation awkward?
Truthfully speaking though, I feel that most people don't know much about STDs and if they have it or not. How do u ask them to go take STD test with you?
I think it's important to ask how many sexual partners they've had, yet, it shouldn't be the most important thing. What if this person isn't sexually promiscuous any more? I do have to admit that it is a turn off, but if the person is really great, it can cancel the fact.
I agree with merridian, "How far into getting to know someone that you ask is a matter of personal preference though."
It's an awkward situation indeed. Though, I love it when someone brings it up because sometimes I just get caught up in the moment and don't ask *oops*. I guess because I've never had any std's or anything I don't know what it'd be like if I did, then it'd be reallllly awkward!
If you're going to have sex with someone, you have every right to ask them about what they've done beforehand. It would probably be awkward, but there's really no way to avoid it. lol
You need to ask before you want to pursue anything sexual with that person. It's not rude. Like many other said, I don't want to have some sort of surprise.
I think you're getting overbent about a kiss. Girls are complicated and so are their reasons for what they do. Now if she got with him later (the guy she kissed) - that's something to worry about.
@trekker94@xanga - this post seems to be different than the other one. It's just relating to the reason why something like that bothers the author. This one is dealing with a different topic, how to bring up sexual history between partners already in a relationship.
I agree with most of the readers here though, not a topic for the first date. You can try to bring it up when you are getting to know the person more more, like during a deep conversation. Although, you have to be careful because some people may find it offensive.
I had a friend who asked me that question, even though he really strictly is just a friend...he crossed the line by offending me by how he asked the question. I wouldn't mind if he asked me more nicely though. Basically, it went something along the lines like this....
Friend: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: Sure
Friend: Okay, it's really personal though.
Me: Try me, if it's too personal then I won't answer you.
Friend: Okay, have you ever gotten yourself check?
Me: Yes, why do you ask?
Friend: Because I got a canker sore the day after when I shared the drink with you.
Me: Wtf? A cankersore is not a symptom of STD.
Friend: Well, my friends suggested that I should go get it check, so...you should go get it check again...just in case.
FYI: His friends are all single and never been on a date and never had a girlfriend.
Asking a SO about their sexual history is a great thing, especially nowadays. I'd like to know right off the bat whether my SO has any STDs or STIs, it's def. a dealbreaker.
I think the right time to ask is when you feel that the person is someone who you want to date on more than a casual basis or for a long-term relationship. Otherwise, I assume if you do engage in sexual activity, you're going to be smart and use protection because you're not at the sexually monogamous stage yet. Of course these days, it never hurts to ask and it shouldn't hurt to answer.
Also an STD isn't indicative of promiscuity. Ex. 1 - A girl has slept with two guys who were her bfs, but one of them cheated on her and caught an STD and passed it back on to her b/c she was on the pill and trusted him to be faithful. Ex. 2 - A girl has many one-night stands but always uses protection and has thus far managed to escape catching an STD.
I definitely do agree with most people on this. Yes, if you´re gonna be in a relationship in someone, you better know if that person has STDs, and you should get tested for them together. Definitely it´s better to be safe rather than to be sorry. I don´t want to ruin my life by getting an STD, since most of them are incurable and in some cases; even fatal.
I think it's important to at least find out before you have sex with them. I certainly wouldn't want to get AIDS or herpes or something else that's either difficult or impossible to get rid of.
I think I'd care more if they had any STDs than if they had had a lot of partners, even though that would bother me too. I'd feel like I wasn't as special to them.
No, it's not rude.
If you are serious about someone, you need to tell each others history right off the bat.
I've usually been friends with the guys I end up dating... so I've almost always known their histories.
I would say that you HAVE to talk about it. At some point. Duh. You can't trust the other person implicitly.
I hate to say this, but I've the best time to talk about it is when sex is on your mind. This could be before or after a makeout session or something of the likes, because then you've reaffirmed that you're not just looking for an excuse to get out of the physical duties, and it also it a period when both of you are feeling closer to each other and potentially more relaxed about these sorts of things.
Because some relationships move faster than others... when the above situation happens will vary...
and that's just me. I know a lot of people will have problems with my answer.
It's not bad to love someone that has an STD. It just means that you two have to be extra careful and take more of a precaution to protect the uninfected partner.
It's a really tricky line to cross when bringing up that subject because if you lack tact then you come off as being judgemental. Then there's the other problem of people having really different ideals and standards.
I once had my very first boyfriend dump me in high school because I admitted to having oral sex (at that time it was only once and with a really close friend of mine) months prior until we stared dating.While I understand his concern and that he wanted someone who wasn't easy or slutty, he judged me pretty harshly even though it was only one time and I was in my senior year of high school.I didn't get a kiss until I was 16 and I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 17 and about to graduate high school. I already thought that I was pretty clean/pure/etc. but he didn't.... *sigh*
IMO I'd say after the second date or if the possibility of sex is presented, whichever's first.
My husband and I actually talked about it before we even started dating (we spent 3 months chatting online before meeting, so a lot of questions on all different subjects managed to come up).
I do think it's important to ask if you are planning to become serious with the person. Maybe not asking right away, but when the relationship gets ready to take it to the next level, like when sex will be involved.