This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.
I'm feeling really sentimental today so I thought I'd share something very personal here that I have not shared with ANYONE.
I had a coworker at my last job that I worked with closely for a few years. We would regularly flirt even though we both had significant others. It was tough for me because I rarely meet anyone that I take an interest in at that level. She was beautiful, hilarious and just fun to be around. She was the only one who would laugh THAT hard at my jokes. When we sat side by side, sometimes her leg would brush mine and my heart would just stop.
When we were in public I noticed how she easily lights up a room and how people are so drawn to her. Because of that, it made things difficult because I knew she flirted with other colleagues. She may have even liked them more than me. There may have been one point in the time I knew her that she may have had feelings for me at the same level I did but I'm not an idiot to believe that I was the only one in her life.
During those times when a bunch of people were floating around her, I felt this tinge of jealousy and instead retreated, not wanting to talk to her. I wanted her for myself and knowing that that would never happen really hurt me inside. I wasn't going to cheat on my GF even though I really thought about it. I can't say that I was 100% confident that that would happen but I always wondered.
Now that we're not working together, I don't see her much anymore and sometimes chat with her online briefly. In the rare instances that I IM her (she never IMs me), she even claims she misses me. But I still don't know whether she's being nice in a friendly way or whether there is anything more to it (unlikely). And I feel like I'm some kind of stalker since I'm usually the one to contact her first.
Not sure why but lately I've been thinking about her again....and wondering about the life I could've led with this colleague has started to drive me nuts.
I guess my question is, does this seem like a pipe dream and totally off base? Or was there potential there that has now become a thing of the past?
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Comments (28)
I've been in a similar situation time and time again.
And the answer always seems to be: give up on it, man. She sounds like an amazing person, and amazing people do that to EVERYBODY, and it sounds like she's very genuine and caring, and genuine and caring people do that to EVERYBODY, and that's why people like her are where they are.
And even if she kind of liked you at one point, the fact that she doesn't keep in touch unless you instigate it shows that her life has gotten busy and she has other things to focus on. There's probably some dude who works with her now that feels the same way. I would say, let your broken heart mend a little, and next time, be a little more proactive - and don't get involved with relationships if they're not with people like this woman, otherwise you'll be trapped in one when some one like this comes around.
Except for a few rare exceptions, there is always potential. If you're actually interested (and available), then ask. I doubt she's just being 'friendly' if she's answering your IMs. She could just as easily ignore you, right? There's obvious chemistry, too, right?
What's the worse thing she's going to do? Oh, wait, tell you she's not interested. Which leaves you right where you are now. Wait, the worst thing she could tell you is, yes, she is interested, bc then you have to figure out what to do next.
(as for her 'flirts with everyone' thing...some people are naturally charismatic. Just bc it looks like mass flirting to you, it really could just be her nature.)
Life is about taking risks, learning from the outcomes and moving forward. And remember, she may be just as hesitant as you are.
I don't know anything about relationships but I'm a female so it counts. The best thing to do would be to ask her to have lunch or grab a cup of coffee with you. If you're just friends it's a nice gesture but if she has feelings for you it will be obvious due to body language. Either way it's a win-win situation. Best of luck to you!
I'm in that situation right now, exactly, except the person hasn't left my life. It's difficult because I do think about the things I could do with him, were I single, but I would never ever cheat on my SO, and I do love him. It's a difficult position.
I would also get jealous should another girl try to be as friendly with him as I am and I would probably be a child about it too....
So I don't really know what to tell you, just that I've been there.
My boyfriend had something like that happen once. They were really similar and liked all the same things, unlike me and him, who are more opposite than the same.
The difference is he was going to go for it. He broke up with me and was going to ask her out. It took him a week before he realized he was thinking of me more than he was her, and he came back to me.
A couple of months ago they were talking(she called him at least once a month), and she told him she used to have really strong feelings for him, but hadn't said anything because he was with me. When he told me, I was really mad(I don't feel she had any right to tell him that now).
Anyway, my point is, if she's not initiating contact with you, she probably doesn't feel the same, even if she did before. She's probably moved on, not to be harsh. You could try to get her interested, but I would caution you not to get your hopes up.
you just need to get laid and get that out of your system. she's nothing but trouble if she does flirt with "everyone" she talks to. that's just drama waiting to happen. move on dude, you'll meet someone better.
This post seriously just freaked me out...
of course no offense to the person who wrote it. it just really made me think...
It's either that you are always going to wonder, "What If", or actually try and find out the answer. Girls like it when guys are straight forward, but not to the point were they sound desperate. Here's the thing about girls... they can be cruel, they can flirt with you, tease you, and not mean anything more than just friendship. It's hard to tell unless you talk to her. I had a friend who fell inlove with this girl who would flirt with him continuously, come to find out, the girl only viewed him as "just a friend". She was only playing mind games with him and with other guys as well, she liked the attention, even though she didn't wan't to persue anything further. It wouldn't hurt if you just asked her, because think about it, you will always wonder..
I've had this happen to me. I'm a very charismatic person but it sometimes seems like i'm flirting, even though i'm just saying hi or smiling. I had a somewhat similar situation with a coworker of mine and i still wonder about what could have been but i gave up on it. I mean, i just took it as it wasnt the right time and if it was meant to be, it would happen later in life. I say see if she'll agree to coffee one day and just get it out of your system.......or like someoen else said, just get laid and get it out of your system, LOL. It sounds like you're fixated, kinda, i hope your motivations are not something other than her being a kickass person.
Break up with your current gf and just ask her out. Cuz clearly you aren't committed to her if you are thinking about this so much. Stop torturing yourself to be political correct or the "nice" guy. I don't know why you are with your current gf but she clearly isn't the one you are thinking about or infatuated with. So stop jerking around break up with her and ask out the other chick.
If you're going to break up with your current SO, do it for other reasons and perhaps because you're unhappy. I don't really think you should break up because you've started to flirt with someone and so on. It's not fair for your SO even if it started as a playful flirt. However, if you really are thinking so much about her, then break up with your SO, and don't keep indirectly hurting your SO by having thoughts about someone else.
There are a few women in a guy's life that his SO would be really wary about if they know about them. The Co-worker, the best friend, the neighbor, the sister's good friend. Any one of them can snatch the guy away from his SO if he wants that to happen. You never mentioned much about your SO except that you wouldn't cheat on her - fact is, you are already cheating on her when you have your thoughts totally embraced on this girl and feeling jealous that she's being hit upon by some other guy. This is the way you SHOULD feel about your SO not about some other girl. It looks like you are greedy. Men who lust after other women while being committed are a waste of time. If you can do this now, you'll do it even after you are married.
@XxNoLifeKing_AlucardxX@xanga - I totally agree with what you have said. : )
Well, I think if anything, your chance has come and gone because you no longer work with her.
This entry struck a chord with me, because I've been through (still going through it, actually) the same thing with a co-worker of mine. The thing is, I KNOW there's something there, but I think he and I like each other a lot more than we like to admit, even to ourselves. I guess you could say we're both stubborn.
However, I still think that getting involved with co-workers is always dangerous territory, so maybe it's a good thing nothing happened while you still worked together.
I didn't give you any solid advice at all, did I? Sorry.
Talk to her about it..? I mean, you have all these questions for her and you're asking us, when really, if you want the "right" answer, you should be asking her. Worse comes to worse the only person who felt something was you, but you never know if you don't ask.
From time to time, I can be nostalgic about past relationships, but then I remind myself why they didn't work in the first place, and bring myself back to reality and focus on what I do have now.
If you and her miss each other so much, why not hang out with her AS FRIENDS? It'd be pretty cool if the both of you put in effort to just see each other.
I met my current boyfriend when I was working with him (although, I was seeing someone). Anyways, my former co-woker and now boyfriend had to leave the company because he was transferring to a new school. We'd hang out with each other AS FRIENDS, as long as we were out of our workplace, we were good. Things turned out pretty good for us now. :) I'm happy.
im always fearful that my bf will someday fall for another girl and not tell me while he's pining his heart away on someone who ISN'T ME. maybe because i've done it to previous significant others.. it's not a pleasant feeling.
basically though.. i promised myself i'd never do that again. if you're thinking about someone else so often, i suggest you really re-evaluate your current relationship with your girlfriend. if you truly love her, this wouldn't be happening. either quit thinking about the other girl or break up with your gf. it's not fair to her in one bit.
and personally, i don't think the other girl likes you. she has a bf.. you said it yourself, she's flirtatious with everyone else.. and she doesn't aim you first. take a hint. she's just being nice by saying she misses you. if she really did, she'd aim you to say hi. i would say.. about 85% of girls who say they miss you.. dont' mean it. and not just to you, they say it to anyone and everyone. it's just a force of habit. i don't know why, but it's annoying.
goodluck
This is creepy.
For a second I did a double-take and wondered if this post was about me, but then I realized that I do IM my former coworker sometimes. But if this was written by him, I would say: I LOVE YOU, and everyone I've been involved with has sadly been a rebound for you. And I'm still not over you yet.
/sigh.
So basically, my advice is to talk to her and ask! If she's feeling the same thing, it's as much a torture for her as it is for you and it would be better for you to get it out in the open. She could just be afraid to ask you how you feel for fear of seeming too forward or of messing up what friendly feelings you have for her.
If she doesn't feel that way, at least you'd know for sure. Not knowing is much, much worse.
@AznShyKitty@xanga - I'd say depending on the strength of the feelings, hanging out just as friends can make it a lot worse sometimes. If you don't see the person, but only talk to them on AIM, it does add some much-needed distance and so your conversations aren't quite the emotional torture they'd be in person if the other has no intention of dating you.
@v_valdovinos@xanga - Simple answer.  I agreed.
if she knew you had a girlfriend and you knew she had a boyfriend and you had tried to make any kind of real move on her, i'm pretty sure you'd come off as a sleaze, so i think it's probably for the best that you didn't.
things would be different if neither of you had significant others, but sometimes you just have to let go of something like that... the timing obviously wasn't right and if it ever comes up again and neither of you are committed to someone else, maybe the timing will be right. on the other hand, if you were to be in a relationship with her, would you be possessive and jealous? you weren't even with her when she was flirting with other coworkers and you became upset. do you honestly think you'd be able to have a successful relationship in a situation like that?
but if you're still with your girlfriend, appreciate her and stop worrying about what you don't have, or could've had... you're only hurting yourself and your relationship.
@xwolfae@xanga -
your comment is the absolute truth!
@RandomSobriety@xanga - That's true, you got a point.
You wouldn't be happy with her, and you know it. You're jealous and possessive when she's not even your g/f..imagine how you'd feel if she was. She certainly won't change her flirty ways for you. Where would that leave you? Angry, jealous, and depressed.
Oh, I've been in one of those romance type things. I couldn't be with him because he was a childish, conniving, immature backstabbing bastard.
So when he confessed his love, I said No.
Oh, yeah. What we talking about? You. Good luck with that.
Thing of the past. Drop it.