Thursday, 25 September 2008
-
Can You Date Someone with Different Life Goals?
Mr. Giraffe
Highly anticipating the arrival of How I Met Your Mother season 3 on DVD, I began re-watching some of my favorite episodes from the first two seasons. While doing so, I had some thoughts about the Ted/Robin relationship. They were a great couple to watch and we all rooted for them (even though from the beginning we knew that Robin was not the titular "Mother"), but there was one thing that ultimately drove them apart.Robin is a woman whose career comes first. She doesn't see marriage and/or children ever coming into the picture. Even though she understands that focusing only on her career keeps her love life standing still, she cannot give up her beliefs. Ted, on the other hand, wants to settle down, get married and have children. They realzied that they had different goals in life and had to break up.
Can a relationship survive this kind of difference in goals? Does a couple have to agree about what they want in the future?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (30)
personally, along the lines in the future, i think they have to eventually agree on something or else the two will just be unhappy for having to give up their own dream to accommodate the other. it works best i think if they worked together on both giving up something to make the relationship work.
Yes, the show is just one example. Another example is why I broke up with someone in a past relationship. I wanted a family and settle down sometime in the far future, after college and all and die of old age with my spouse, while on the other hand, he didn't want to ever settle down, yet have a kid only to die young. We wanted different things, and it didn't work out.
Compromise, compromise, compromise.
Although it really depends on the couple, the relationship, the life goals, and the level of importance of those goals. Some will not survive, others will grow stronger.
no, because they chose different paths, ultimately, they'll hit that fork on their journal which will split them apart. one might have to relocate for work and the other wants to settle down in a neighborhood in a good school district...which will lead to long distance relationship, and a very complicated one.
I feel it is a necessity that they have the same goals. Otherwise they'd be going along, and one has to change their goals or they grow apart
I think it depends on the couple, though I'm hardly qualified to speak on the matter.
You can be happy with someone different than you for a while, but ultimately no matter how much you love the person, those differences will win.
I am a big city girl. I don't want children. I want to continue my education as much as possible, travel, maybe join the Peace Corps, a million things. My ex is a small town guy who doesn't really have any future plans at all. He just takes it as it comes. I always have to be in control, and he just lays back and goes with the flow. While at first this was relaxing to have someone who balanced me out, after 4.5 years, he just became a burden. He was irresponsible, unmotivated, and overall just not my type.
While it would be nice to believe that love and hard work can overcome anything, I just don't think that is true in the end.
Ted and Robin were doomed from the start because Robin is a selfish bitch. Hmph. I like the show though.
But ultimately it is the truth, you need to want the same things.
Oh man I learned so much about dating/relationships/hookups from HIMYM. I LOVE that show. It's so perfect.
But yeah, the same with financially (see my post from like a week ago), you have to have somewhat similar goals. Otherwise it's going to be a problem. I need to date someone who is career oriented now but ultimately if they didn't want a family in the future (the distant future) our relationship would have an "expiration date" as Ted put it in that episode where he and Robin broke up.
I really hope Stella isn't the mother though. I don't really like her that much. But I don't think she is.
My boyfriend & I recently had an argument about who would raise the children when we do get married & have a family. Now granted the discussion is a bit premature as we are not engaged, we realized that we both want a family as well as want to continue our careers. While we still don't know how things will work out [who will stay home & raise the children or any of the other logistics], we do know that we love each other very much & that these matters will be addressed when the time comes. I know people often don't believe in the whole "love can overcome all hardships" but we do & we're committed to make it work. :)
Eventually the two must agree. If there's no compromise, this relationship isn't going anywhere.
certain differences are okay to have in a relationship, but future goals is not really compromisable, especially if one is set on a certain plan. continuing the relationship would only prolong the inevitable breakup.
If he wants kids and she doesn't (or vice versa), that really isn't grounds for a lifelong relationship there. Goals can differ to a point without pulling either in completely opposite directions, but having kids vs. not having kids is usually not something you can compromise. I mean, unless dogs and cats are compromise.
if they could grow into wanting the same things then yes they could survive. but if one person is dying for kids and the other is completely set on never having them then i doubt it would work out.
i know for me, that would be a deal breaker. i want a big family so i couldnt be with someone who doesn't want kids.
It's all about compromise. It depends on how far the couple is WILLING to take the relationship. With the example given, apparently the relationship wasnt worth the sacrifices so they ended it. (I never watched the show) But if you truly love someone (unconditionally), I'm sure you'd find a middle ground.
My HS econ teacher didn't want to have any kids when he married his wife. They both agreed that they wouldn't have any. 10 yrs later, she wanted a kid, and he still didnt. But he finally agreed and said ONLY ONE... and so they had a daughter together. Things change as you grow (older & wiser), and priorities shift. But dont EXPECT it to, nor force it to. If you cant compromise, its time to book it!
You can date someone all you want who has different life goals than you. But eventually you are gonna come to a dead end. If you want a family and kids and the person you are dating doesn't there isn't a rational reason to continue with the relationship.
works for the short term, not for the long term.
Sure, you can date someone wth different life goals......just don't marry him or her.
BranmacFeabhail@xanga and mzsusan@xanga - Well said!!!
sure.. a relationship can survivie the difference in goals and no, a couple do not have to agree about what they want in the future..
i don't date guys with different goals.. there really is no point..
I'll let everyone know my personal answer to this once I find out what happens with the guy I'm seeing. We are so different that it seems completely impossible, but who knows?
@hopelessromantic - i hope it's not stella either!! not a fan of her at all in the show. but for her to "love" starwars like that.. it's pretty sweet of her
its one thing to have different preferences like food/movies/hobbies...its totally different when it comes to future goals/moral values and such...
I do believe in order for a relationship to last, they should have similar goals, unless they are willing to compromise. What is the point of being together if they aren't working toward the same goals?
If they have different goals, there will be constant conflict with no resolution. Resolution would be break-up if they can't agree on something. If someone reluctantly caves in to the other, expect resentment to build, stressing the relationship.
But if they can agree to disagree and give in without resentment, then that is true compromise.
People can work in relationships with different goals...if the differences are small. The problem with having differing values for family, kids, marriage and etc is that these are big ticket things you can't just saunter in to. It's one thing to want different things for dinner or for short term goals like learning a new trade, but when it comes to family, kids, money and real estate...you just have to mesh up at least 75% of the time. You can't turn back time later, and if your partner doesn't want what you want, well...you either have to change your goals or move on.
Date all you want, but eventually there will be a head butting contest with no winners.
There is no clear cut answer to your question. It just depends upon how strongly one feels about pursuing their life goals, and how many changes they're willing to make. Some will see "settling down and having children" as a fork stuck in the road, impeding them to continue with their original plans.
Everyone is different. No one has the exact same life goals, and not everyone will compromise with their SO. In the case of Ted/Robin, they had dead set goals that were on opposite ends of one another.