Friday, 26 September 2008
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Be A Better BF/GF #1 - Trust in Your Relationship
Kari has a bachelor's in psychology and human behavior and a master's in counseling with an emphasis in marriage and family therapy - she knows her stuff! She'll be dishing out what she's learned throughout her studies - so come sit on the couch!
Trust is an enormous aspect in a relationship and yet, we don't really think about it all too much until an issue arises and all hell breaks loose. Relationships can't thrive without trust. I like to view trust as something that is something I give to the other person 100% until that person does something to make me lose trust in them. This is not to say that I'm sitting there, waiting for this moment to happen.
This also does not mean that if something were to arise to make me lose trust that I have the right to play Inspector Gadget/Pink Panther/Sherlock Holmes on my partner. I think this tendency happens more with women than men. The minute a woman suspects her man may be cheating, all of a sudden, she's the world's best private detective. Ladies, I know there's at least one if not two of you reading this will agree with me on this one.
Here's my advice to the all the world's best private detectives out there: DON'T.
Don't go through his phone. Don't read his e-mails. Don't go through his personal belongings looking for proof or evidence to your suspicions. Don't do any of these things unless you're able to handle what you're going to find and I know for a fact that you won't. By rifling through his things, you are shooting yourself in the foot twice over. Once for violating his privacy and finding nothing. Twice for rifling through his things and finding something because now you have to deal with the consequences of what you found. Simply put, your relationship with him will never be the same.
When you suspect something in your mind, take a moment to step back and try to be rational in your thinking. If your boyfriend doesn't pick up the phone when you called the first time, don't automatically assume that he's out on a date with some other chick. He's probably sitting at home playing World of Warcraft and is too engrossed it in to pick up the phone. If your girlfriend tells you she has a headache and "not tonight," don't assume she's getting it elsewhere. She probably really has a headache. Point is, don't let your irrational thinking overtake and overwhelm you.
Do you generally trust people or do you tend to be suspicious?
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Comments (71)
My boyfriend actually does decide not to pick up his phone for World of Warcraft
but then I also can log on and tell him it's me, and pick up (which he will)
*CRY*
Hahaha when a guy doesn't pick up his phone because he's playing video games, then you know that he loves his video games too much.
The only rational thing to do is to make him choose between you and the video games! Hahaha jk. :)
I'm a little too trusting sometimes to be perfectly honest. I've gotten walked all over a couple of times.
I tend to generally trust people but if things start to get really suspicious that's when I start to look into things (not their personal stuff but their behavior) and start doubting.
I wrote and rewrote a comment four times. I can't articulate how I feel about this. You are right and wrong; it's a paradoxical situation. As a professional, I think you understand that.
i totally completely agree with you and i'd act the way you do.
i trust everyone. until i get betrayed by that certain person. however, i do get suspicious if he doesnt pick up my call for a day or two but is updating FB every few hrs and so. who wouldn't? if i suspect something, i'd ask for an explaination. if that explaination doesnt fit well (or it changes everytime he tries to explain), it would be my decision to stay or leave. i dont go thru bf's stuff though. b/c i believe whether he cheat on me and tell me or not should be left to his conscience. by violating his privacy like that, i am becoming someone just like him (if he was cheating on me).
nice post! :)
I tend to trust people. Once the trust is abused, there's no second chances for the other person.
I once believed in second chances but people take advantage of that, so no more.
I agree 100%, but the thing is because I trusted him and he knew that I did he was able to cheat on me and I was left to find out about it via myspace.com.
Honestly sometimes I think that if I did snoop that it would've been ALOT less embarrassing and humiliating than having to find out on the internet about my ex's infidelity.
The best part is that I did the right thing and when I suspected something and had an honest conversation with him, he denied it and went on to reassure me that there was no one else but me.
What are you supposed to do then when the "right way" just doesn't work?
I think the only reason why a girl should be suspicious if is he has a bad past or he did something to make her feel that way. Besides that I don't think any girl unless she's straight up crazy or insecure would play detective card on her man.
I generally trust people until they've either given me a reason not to or put whipped cream in my shoes; whichever comes first. - Bek
I'll admit that I've let calls go unanswered while playing Counter-Strike. Heh. @miss_prettyinpink@xanga - You, miss, are a MONSTER! How could you make him choose between two loves?!
depends on who the person is, i generally trust people until the person have betrayed my trust. of course i trust my boys more than some random guy off the street, and i trust my girlfriend way more than some girl at school.
I think that once we are suspicious of people it makes us feel like we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. I trust people, but of course the ones that are close to me and I have known. For example, I would never doubt my bestfriends word. But to trust a stranger on the street, I can only to a degree. Trust should be earned if we dont know who we are dealing with. But a relationship is a different story. If we are going into it without the ability to trust then we are creating hell for ourselves....
If for some reason we are unable to trust our SO we shouldnt be in a relationship. A relationship is based on trust.. And I wouldnt get into a one with someone that I wouldnt be able to trust. I dont play games. You are either honest with me or not. If not then I dont want to spend my days wondering and thinking about where you are... Im very loyal and expect the same in return....and if my significant other is not going to worry about me, then I dont want to have to worry about him... a mutual understanding
@awokenfatality@xanga - ditto
i straddle the fence about somebody's past...just because they have a bad past doesn't mean they will cheat on you. of course, it's not something to take lightly, but i would give them the benefit of the doubt
i used to be trusting, until i was betrayed far too many times. now i believe that trust is earned, not automatically given.
This post looks awfully familiar!! :D
I don't trust anyone. I haven't had sex in three years. I hole up and drink profusely, but every once in awhile I venture out and do stuff.
When I do stuff I tend to sometimes meet new people.
We usually hit it off.
Sometimes I even almost have sex with them.
Then I disappear again.
Do you think I will ever be neurotypical?
I'm usually pretty trusting...I just figured I don't have much to hide.
I usually have no reason to be suspicious. But I was with somebody long enough to know when anything in his behavior toward our relationship changed, which usually led to a discussion and then working out.
Last time it was different, I knew for a fact I was being played. I could just tell. While I totally wanted to play detective, I didn't. Though I keep coming across things now that tell me everything he ever lied about.
Trust is definitely the most important part in a relationship. And it has to go both ways or it will never work.
Great post but... what if you have a girlfriend which you fully trust until your friends start telling you she likes another person. It's happened to me but my girlfriend didn't pick the same courses I did we were together on weeekends and well... Whenever we could. Who should be trusted? Your friends or your girlfriend.
Please take in consideration that my friends are guys and it's a girlfriend.
My experience with trust in a relationship ended up leaving me utterly humiliated. I trusted my boyfriend 100% and believed that "it didn't look as bad as it seemed." All of my friends that I asked for advice even told me to trust him. Later I found out about his lies and just overall unfaithfulness. And, apparently, all of his non-mutual friends knew way before I did that he was going to break it off and all of our mutual friends had no idea (and were the ones who told me to trust).
But ultimately, in my next relationship, I have the greatest hope that I will still be able to trust 100%. I really feel like my ex's betrayal was just a horrible twist of fate and in the future, if I can pick a boyfriend with better character in the first place, I will not end up in this mess again. Because really, I do not want to be one of those people damaged from a previous relationship who punishes all her future relationships. It is far better to think that people can be trusted then proven wrong than thinking alternative.
Now if your own hand complains it has a headache. You have a serious problem.
-Alexander the Zounderkite
im too trusting for my own good. i don't suspect anything until something happens...