This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.
I have recently become attracted to a friend of mine, and he gets
me like no other guy ever has. He's a great person. He helped me
through a difficult time I was having last year, and he is one of the
kindest, most caring people I know. We have a lot of inside jokes
together and can make each other laugh at almost any time. I am also
pretty sure he feels the same way about me.
The one concern I have
is that he has depression and social anxiety disorder.
He's in treatment
and doing everything he can do overcome this, and I think it's amazing
how strong he is, because I know this has not been easy for him.
I know he didn't choose to have that happen to him, and I don't
want to be unfairly prejudiced against him for something that is not
his fault. But I also have an uncle who suffers from depression and had
a roommate who was bipolar, and both can be quite difficult to get
along with at times.
Because of my experiences, I am a bit wary of
getting seriously involved with someone who has a mental illness. I
have done a lot of thinking about this and I think I can live with his
problems, but it would be nice to have a few words of wisdom from
someone who has been there.
So I want to ask the readers: Would you ever date someone with a
mental illness? Have you ever done that? If so, what was it like, and
what advice would you have for me?
Recommend
Comments (77)
I would!
But I'm a psychology major; I don't know if I count.
=]
As a mentally ill person (I am clinically depressed), I understand your concern. But it's just like dating someone else who's 'different'...you have to take into consideration those things that separate them from your norm, be it culture, language, age, and yes, even mental illness. And no one is asking you to walk into this long term. Really, you get a choice in this.
If you do this, then figure out that it's too much (and that's fine, I promise), you are allowed to walk away. Be considerate and talk, don't just walk, but there's nothing that says you're a bad person bc you can't handle the down times.
I know the longer I worked at treatment, the easier it was to be with me. And it's easier to stay in/with treatment if you feel supported and cared for.
Just my two cents.
Well i am dating a person like so at this very moment.
If you really think this guy is worth your time and effort then go for it. But it is tough. It requires you to have a lot of patience, time and support for the guy himself. It is also quite easy to get frustrated with such a person as i have done many times with my partner but it is important to remember that this person didn't choose to feel the way they feel and that maybe you are the person that could help
them in a way nobody previously has been able to.
I have been driven to the end of my tether on a few occasions but have stuck with it and i don't regret it. We have been together for nearly three years and it's been great.
It will be frustrating, physically and emotionally tiring at times, but every relationship has similar issues for very different reasons.
If you have the patience, support and willingness to stick at it if it gets a little tough and also if you like him enough to think it's worth, i encourage you to take the opportunity. Just because he has mental health problems doesn't mean he will be a problem boyfriend.
Wish you the best.
I dated a guy who suffered from depression and it was never a huge problem. I'm a very supportive person and he was always open so talking about his "bad days" and I'm pretty supportive by nature. The only problem I encountered was that he also had a seriously clingy personality and felt indebted to my aid. When we split, I realized that it was not because he was too clingy, but I did not know him well enough. You really have to know someone with depression (or any other clinically designated mental illness) before you date them. It sounds kind of rude, but if you misjudge them, your break up can be dangerous and explosive.
It sounds like this guy is already your friend and you know him very well. I wouldn't worry about your situation. Because you're already close friends with him, you probably understand him well enough to manage his attitudes. I might even argue that taking the chance will allow you to be there for him on a deeper level.
:) Go for it
I was with an alcoholic, and while I know it's not the same, it also made him depressed and anti social altogether.
This guy is working on it, and if he feels the same way you do, you guys should give it a shot. Who knows, maybe more love in his life is what he needs to give him that extra boost and support that will help overcome some of his struggles with mental illnesses.
My boyfriend is depressive, and while there have been moments of uncertainty and hopelessness in our relationship, he is one of the most magnificent human beings I know. I don't regret a thing. Good luck!
If you can't love someone for who they are then you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. This goes for friendship as well as romantic relationships.
It is possible but very tough. You have to be there for them through alot of mood swings and problems and what not, but if you have the strength of character and the patience, you can do it. It just takes alot of time and understanding...good luck!
The question is not whether you would or should date a person suffering from mental illness but whether said person is ready to be in "any" relationship.
My husband has the same sort of problems. It was never really an issue. There are similar things in my family, so I knew how to deal with them, and I knew that he wouldn't be the person he is if he hadn't had to struggle with it. Having a mental illness like that gives a person a different outlook on life and can affect personality. I love my husband for who he is, including his mental quirks.
@mrcolorful@xanga - @di_ya@xanga - both very good advice.
It looks as if you got your answers.
i've dated someone with depression and i have a step-sis who is bipolar.
above all remember this: you are not their therapist. get a good reputable professional to help them. you can't help them. but they can get better and actually live very well.
I suffer from both as well, and I've been really fortunate to have such a support from my family and friends. Sure we have our bad or "down" days, but who doesn't? These are things that we all wish we didn't have, but we try to make it at easy to deal with as possible.
If he's worth it, give him a genuine shot. No one will be perfect, mental illness or not. You just need to evaluate what is going to be best for you, not necessarily what will be easiest.
Side note: It was jarring to see "mental illness" coupled with social anxiety and depression, even though that's exactly what it is. I guess I've always conjured up severely clinically insane people instead of, well, me.
A few years ago I dated someone clinically depressed and although I cared deeply for him and learned a lot from our relationship, it took a big tole on my well being.Â
I am a happy, upbeat person who's often very optimistic, and after a while his unhappiness and irrational behavior because of that really began to get to me, and I was constantly upset and constantly struggling to break free of his gloom.
What I would recommend, as someone stated earlier, is yes, make sure he is ready for such a relationship. If he has insecurity issues, if he is self-doubting, he might be too much for your sane-brain to handle, and it wouldn't be fair to either of you. Especially is he is not seeking help, or worse, doesn't admit he is depressed.Â
Good luck. Not that I am saying he isn't wonderful, but there are people out there who could be good for you also who don't carry this amount of emotional baggage. (maybe he doesn't, I don't know.)
I married a woman with severe Bipolar Disorder. Hang on, it'll be a bumpy ride! That much said, I'd do it all over again.
Ah, I was that person...
If you're prepared to pour love, care, concern and patience into this person until they are well again, you can do it! It might be high maintenace though... =/
Good luck!
I say go for it. You know him well, and you like him a lot. He's in treatment, so he clearly wants to get better.
Everyone has problems, whether they're classified mental illnesses or not. It's cool that you and this guy have been so open with each other so far, and that things seem to be progressing in a positive way (aka he's not getting worse).
I dated someone with depression and social anxiety for almost 3 years, so I understand your hesitation.
My advice to you would be to assess what you can live with. I don't think it's a generally bad idea to date someone with a mental illness, but you need to be aware of what you're going into and what your limits are. Would it bother you if you were going out one night and then had to turn around and go back before you even arrived because he had a panic attack? Would it bother you to stay in more often that you go out? Would it bother you if he was feeling down and couldn't give you a "good reason" for it? Would you be able to assert yourself enough to say, "It's ok if you don't want to go [to some event], but I do, so I'll see you later"?
Those are the sorts of things you'll be dealing with. If it sounds like too much I wouldn't get involved, but if that doesn't sound like a problem then go for it. It's definitely doable, and I wouldn't even say it's that hard, you just have to be willing to be flexible. Plus it sounds like you're already really good friends, so you already know how he is in regards to these things. If you can already handle a close friendship with him then dating shouldn't be so much harder.
If he's suicidal, though, leave that shit alone.
There are plenty of answers here already, but I can't help but feel obligated (to myself) to say something:
I was the depressed one (maybe even bipolar?) in the relationships I've had. The guy I was most recently involved with took me in after a horrible breakup and was the positive energy needed to lift my spirits. The problem is I'm not getting regular treatment yet, so we took several breaks due to things getting too intense. This last break we're taking could very well be the end of it... I've noticed that I've brought him down quite a few notches on the positivity and well-being scale. I can't expect him to care forever....
The worst part is that no matter what anyone else says, I always feel like it's my fault---like there's something more I can do to keep the people I care about in my life.
And I've just realized now how serious this really is.
1 in 5 children and adults have some type of mental illness in the United States.Â
I am 1 in 5, and honestly I know it takes a lot of patience on my part and a partners part. If you care about him, give it a shot and be willing to be patient and understanding just like he was to you when you needed him. It'll work out if you are prepared.enter the relationship only when you're fully certain that the amount of time and energy you pour into him will be reciprocated.
@vivalicious822@xanga - The same thing happened with me. I've always been an upbeat and optimistic person but as our relationship progressed I started to go down (we dated for 2 and a half years). Trying to take care of someone who wasn't willing to take care of themselves took too much of a toll on me and I had to get out of the relationship for my own well being.
It isn't easy and it can and most likely will wear you out. You will have to learn how to deal with someone who gets moody for no reason and for long lengths of time, which may even lead to him taking it out on you. My ex was emotionally abusive towards me and while I loved him very much and wanted to stick by him no matter what, in the end i couldn't do it. I had become totally his crutch and punching bag and no more of myself could be found.
Make sure that HE is ready for this relationship. Just as everyone needs to be happy with themselves and their own life before getting into a relationship, so does he. You guys may be friends now, and you might know him well but everything intensifies when you're in a relationship. Where as a friend he may get sad sometimes and you can say a few words to help, as a girlfriend he'll depend on you for much much more and as someone mentioned above, you'll end up becoming their therapist, which is exactly what you shouldn't do.
Be careful and good luck!
I dated a guy who suffered from clinical depression. He was a very sweet, caring, and all around fun guy to be with- when he wasn't battling his depression. I'm not putting him down for it or anything, but it was hard to be in a relationship at times, especially since I personally could not help him.
He warned me up front that I might get hurt because of his problems, because they would complicate things, and they did, but there wasn't much either of us could do to stop it.
I wouldn't let it stop you, but just know that just like your previous friendships with people having mental disorders, there will be rough times, as in all relationships, aha.
Good luck though. :)
I dated a guy who had multiple personality disorder, undiagnosed (to my knowledge anyway). It was actually the most intensely beautiful relationship of my life, still (and I have found love again since then). I'd do it all over again, no doubt. I love him to my very core; but in the end I had to let him go... in fact, I had to burn the bridge beyond rebuilding in order to be able to walk away and move on with my life (not something I enjoyed, but was necessary). When I think of him, I still think of what a beautiful soul he is. Some experiences are worth it. But honestly, I don't know how to give any advice about dating someone with mental illness. Just be ready for a roller coaster at times, if one can be prepared, or should be... all good questions.
Btw, I didn't know about his illness before we began dating, or even before I fell in love.