Tuesday, 23 September 2008
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When Should Your Friends Meet Your BF/GF?
Mr. Giraffe
I was on the elevator this past Sunday and the other three passengers were three friends. I don't know them so I'll call them Elinor, Marianne and John. Marianne was telling Elinor and John about her new boyfriend, how great he is, etc., etc. These two friends were getting excited and begged her to let them meet him. Marianne said she wasn't ready even though they'd been dating a while. Elinor and John kept insisting but Marianne kept refusing.Now, giraffes aren't subtle and neither am I. Any attempts to hide the fact that I was listening went down the elevator shaft at this next part of the conversation. (By this time, we were out of the elevator and going out the door of my apartment building.)
Marianne was thinking of a way for Elinor and John to see, not meet, Marianne's new beau. It involved sharing a cab, leaving the cab from separate doors and shadily looking at the couple and then walking in different directions. I oh-so-badly wanted to shout out, "Really, Marianne?!"
Her friends agreed with me. This was such an elaborate plan even James Bond wouldn't be able to fathom it. Elinor and John kept promising they wouldn't talk long or cause drama of any sort but Marianne whined and whined about how she's not ready (was he ready to meet them? Hmmm.). I wish I knew these people so I could find out if Marianne won or not or if Elinor and John ever met this mysterious lover.
It really makes me wonder why it's such a five-act play (that is, why it's such drama) when friends meet their friend's boyfriend or girlfriend. When do you think is the right time for the two worlds to collide?
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Comments (25)
I know I got nervous when my boyfriend met some of my closest friends, especially my girl friends. I think all girls get like that. I think it's because girls tend to value their friends' opinion & the friends can give her the outside perspective if this guy was good for her or not. Granted, girls won't always follow their friends' opinions.. If some of my close girl friends weren't a fan of my boyfriend, I'd have a hard time sharing with them things that were going on between me & the boyfriend. As for when I met my boyfriend's closest guy friends, I was even more nervous than when he met mine. I would think the same concept applies 'cause if we're going to be together for the long run, I'll be seeing a lot of his friends & they need to be able to get along with me & such.
However, this isn't much of an issue for me & the boyfriend as we met through mutual friends & most of them support the relationship. The other friends I was talking about were close friends from high school/out of state.
As for when would be a good time for the two worlds collide, I guess when both parties are ready & there isn't a gauge for that.. or whenever the opportunity comes up, like randomly bumping into friends on the street & such.
PS. Your comparison of yourself to the giraffe made me laugh.
Sounds as if she's afraid of what her friends may think, that they will probably not see him ideal for her.
I think a good time would be sometime in the beginning, maybe not straight off the bat. I am someone that believes a friend input in a relationship may not always be the best because only you know what you want but even then it's good to have them give it to you.
I don't get that at all.
does she have a whole calendar of "perfect times" for the guy to get to know parts of her? I'm all for cautious vulnerability, but introducing a person to friends shouldn't be a big deal.
that kind of hesitancy strongly suggests a trust issue - she's hiding something from either him or her friends.
I can pretend to be anybody when alone with a new friend. so for an honest portrayal of a person, I watch him interact with his friends.
if you're dating someone for any length of time without meeting (or hearing a lot about) his/her friends, you may want to second guess your choice of an SO.
Having my friends meet my SO isn't really such a big deal to me. I usually don't set a time frame as to when they should meet each other.
I usually let my friends meet him like a month or so into our relationship. I just don't want to introduce him to my friends if I'm not too sure about the relationship at the moment, you know
If they've only been out for a week, I don't think it's a big deal to present them to your friends. If you want to do that though, it's fine. Personally, it would take more than a week for me, and I'd want to consider on whether or not they're comfortable with it. In the end though, I think both sides are going to have to compromise about meeting each other's friends.
i had already been a part of the "friend group" as we call it when I started dating my girl. so it wasn't a big deal. but i've dated girls when i was in high school that went to different schools and that was a bit weird, especially since one specific girl was about 2 years older than me and so were her friends, so they were more mature and characteristically round than i was.
I would want to know my boyfriend and feel pretty comfy with him before I introduced others to our mix. Nothing to hide, just kind of a selfish thing I suppose. I want more one-on-one time to get to know him in that way first.
But I think within a month, yeah, they'd meet.
If you're willing to talk about your SO with your friends, you should be willing to let your friends meet them.
Talking about your new SO and then saying, "I'm not ready for you to meet him/her" is rude and shady.
Interesting you should say this. I am dying to meet my best friend's boyfriend, but don't want to push it because it is a fairly new relationship and if she hasn't offered, it probably means she doesn't want me to meet him yet.
It's just weird when there's a part about someone so close to you that you are sort of banned from knowing. Obviously I can't get mad, and wouldn't, but part of me wants to know why I wasn't introduced to him from the start? She had been kind of hanging out with him for a while before they started dating, and we even all go to the same college... it feels weird.
I think friends are an important part of someone's life... and sometimes can say a lot about a person. While you shouldn't do this before you are ready... I don't see why being ready should take a very long time.
I really can't fathom why there would be a problem with friends and SOs knowing each other, but then again, my SO is such a part of my circle of friends, they've probably known him longer than I have.
Whenever both parties agree, in the meantime people should shut their pieholes about their wonderful SO.
I understand that introducing the bf to your friends is a big deal (not as big as introducing him to the family but still a big deal) because you are scared and nervous on what your friends will say about your bf. You're afraid that your friends will say that he's not good for you and that he doesn't approve of him and then you'll be confuse whether to follow your heart or listen to your friends.
If crazy friends are part of the baggage of dating some one, I kind of like to know right up front, and I would expect that if they couldn't take my crazy though often nonexistent friends, they'd expect the same so....after third date, I'd say?
I find the very concept of showing off your SO to your friends absurd. This should not be a difficult situation. I don't get why the four of you couldn't just go hang out, as a group. Everybody meets everybody, everybody has a good time, and nothing about it is awkward. And this is coming from a guy who thinks EVERYTHING is awkward.
there is a time for him to meet them... i thought it be fun if all of us went out together...my friends and him if i have him that is...omg this thing is teaching me so much but its kinda weird
Introducing your GF/BF to your friends should be casual and friendly. Any concerns should be delt with by "prepping" your friends/BF/GF ahead of time.
I think that Marianne shouldn't mention her BF so much if she's not ready for her friends to know him.
I think it should just be as natural as it can get - i.e. if everyone wants to hang out, the everyone hangs out. It'll be pretty obvious from the way that you're acting that your bf/gf, and the friends will catch on.
It seems pointless to me that it's made such a big deal of - it gets built up into something that its not.
The phrase "mountains out of molehills" springs to mind...
when we started dating, my boyfriend told me he valued his friends... approval of me. 50/50, he said, of how he valued his friends and his own opinions.
so i was really anxious when he started bringing up that we all hang out in a group, as opposed to just the two of us.
however, it took a while for this to take effect, and.. by the time i finally did meet his friends, it didnt seem like such a big deal, because i was already completely comfortable with him, and he with me.
i think the comfort factor is really important. His friends werent a judgemental group, and he said if any of them ever talked bad about me, he'd immediately defend me. (as opposed to his original 50/50 statement).
and me.. it was a lot of fun. If i wasnt completely comfortable with him, i would have had to worrying about impressing his friends AND impressing him, but this way.. it was great :)
Omg...Just last weekend I was Elinor to my friend,"Marianne." Maybe b/c I've never been in the situation, but I think it's ridculous. I am the kind of person that would introduce that SSO almost immediately to my friends and even my family. I mean my friends (I am friends with my family members-We even like eachother) are a part of my life and a small part of the package, since I am 100% me with them, and I'd want him to know the real me, when I am comfortable, not a facade (who I am around just him-nervous-trying to impress). I can't think of any reason not to. I mean, I can understand not getting the chance to introduce b/c you are still wanting to get to know the person and develop some kind of comfort level and maybe see if it's gonna last longer then 3 dates(if there is any kind of substance for a relationship to develop), but deliberatlely keeping them seperated, is ludicrous. I just don't understand it. What are you afraid that I am going to tell him that you talk about him 24/7, well if you do, what is the harm in that?...LOL. I would never do that. It'd be funny to see the reaction of your friend when you told them you'd tell them. HA HA HA... On the real, your friends will see what you can't see, but what you need to see. They want what's best for you. I wouldn't just up and invite my friends and ambush him necessarily. I would give him some type of heads up. Maybe go on a double date with some friends or meet a couple of friends at a movie or something like that. It'd be funny to invite all of my friends over including that SSO and be like let's just talk. Again...ha ha ha...lol. Awkward. No, I wouldn't do that. It should be pretty casual, without any pressure and not a big deal. I also wouldn't talk about him to my friends unless I was planning on them meeting. I'd probably just make plans with some friends and invite that SSO and prep him a little bit. Then hang with my friends later and ask them what they thought, than let them know that I was talking to him and answer all the questions that you knowmy girlfriends are going to have or whatever, And also talk to him and see how he felt things went, then yea!
It's not right to talk about your secret b/f / g/f to your friends, unless you are going to introduce them pretty soon after. It's cruel to get them all excited for you and them not be able to see the person that is making them so excited. If we can't see, we really don't want to hear. Or is that you are ashamed of your friends?....No, that can't be it, at least not in my case. LOL. I really just can't understand why this is such a big deal!
My friends are a little crazy and off the wall so i put off having them meet my boyfriend for fear they'd scare him off. however... my current boyfriend met most of my best friends the day he asked me out, and they got along... which made me SO glad i said yes. :)
i think it's important for your SO to get along with your friends.. sometimes it's just a little scary and hard to introduce them, especially if you're taking awhile to get comfortable with your SO, and if you tend to act differently when in the two seperate groups (which probably isn't a good sign anyway, but...)
@ALMOST_Spankyyy@xanga - That makes sense.
@GaMeGurLsH@xanga - Ain't that the truth!
This actually happened to me with my now-bf when we were first dating. We weren't bf/gf, but we weren't just friends with benefits either. We went on dates, talked on the phone a lot, watched movies, met up while at school to have lunch, blah blah, but we also didn't do things like hold hands with fingers laced or other intimate bf/gf things. We did those for about 8 months and it still didn't feel right. We were kind of in the middle of the spectrum and that slight detachment in our relationship made me feel uncomfortable whenever my closest girlfriends would say, "I'm going to visit you and you're FINALLY going to introduce me to your man!" because he WASN'T my man, but he wasn't any other girl's guy either. Maybe she's in the exact same position as I was
So I don't think introducing new people is a big deal, but it really is
all about how comfortable Marianne feels and she clearly did not feel
ready at all. Her friends should've understood that and been ok with
it until she really felt fine with them meeting this new guy. Yea he's a new friend and there should be no problem, but how she feels with him is important and her friends' opinions are important and those two have to go hand in hand.
I have yet to face this yet, with the few friends I do have.
I be more worried meeting her friends than her meeting my friends.
I would say a couple of months minimum.