This is a guest blog submitted by pseudohim.so i'm pretty terrible at reading people, which is why whenever i go to vegas i try to stay away from the poker rooms. but apparently i never try hard enough because i always end up finding my way to the nearest table just so i can donate several hundred bucks to the casino.
it's a huge handicap actually, and it's a lot more serious than i'm making it sound. these days people get FAR simply by having great interpersonal and social skills. and if this was the sole measure of a man or his success, i would fail at life miserably. cause while i'm not (i hope) completely antisocial, i'm pretty geeky and a bit awkward, and i definitely do not fare well in gauging those around me. (at least not properly gauging, heh...)
so it should come as no surprise that i'm practically clueless (and useless) when it comes to girls.
within the past couple of weeks i've stumbled upon several blogs translating the code language the female species use. i find these posts to be incredibly insightful and enlightening, 'cause for me it is no joking matter. while most people laugh and comment OMG LOL! or too funny! or this is so true! ROFL, i'm furiously scribbling down bullet points one through ten in my moleskin journal where i have secretly been compiling my own personal "dummies guide to dating understanding women". cause quite frankly, i don't know what women want, or what they are thinking. they are an enigmatic bunch, and my simple mind refuses to process such complexities.
to illustrate my point, it took me a few months to kiss the last girl i dated, and that was only after she flat out complained: "WHY WON'T YOU KISS ME??" (haha...) whereas i simply thought i was being respectful, i was apparently insinuating that i did not find her attractive and therefore certainly not kissable.
the bottom line is: i don't know whether or not to make a move, whether she is making a move, whether there is no move to be made, or whether a move is already in progress that i don't know about. i begin to overanalyze the situation with my best logical reasoning skills, and the result usually takes the form of two hundred and three ways why said <insert girl of interest> does/would NOT reciprocate my kindergarten crush/affections.
i am not smooth. no i'm not. i need a girl coach/translator. yes i do.
Do you typically understand people of the opposite gender? If you do, did you learn it from past relationships or just from instinct?
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Comments (44)
I am as smooth as a rhino's hide...but seriously I find it funny how as friends I think I understand the female pretty well...however once romance is involve then you can often find me saying "what?!"
Find a girl who you know is safe and won't develop feelings for you and make her your best friend. Talk with her often, talk with her frequently. Ask her to go some where populated like a club or something with her. Have her read other girls body language for you and explain the whole thing to you. You need to develop an understanding of signlas, and what better than some one who incessantly thinks about them (trust me, women understand signals and body language - I've yet to meet one who doesn't know what it looks like for either sex to want the other)
There are also some guys who are good at reading signals. You might want to befriend that super annoying dude you hate who is always getting laid and ask him how he does it. Trust me, these guys are usually more than happy to help out an aching brother in need.
As a geek, you have an outsider's understanding of the stupid little dances people do and call "socialization". But there's hope - you just have to get more "on the field" experience - you can't book-knowledge your way through this one.
Yeah, it's really hard for me to read and analyze people when it comes to that dating stuff. (which is confusing already)
I usually don't (I mean NEVER) make the first move unless the other person is just putting it all out there and being vocal about what they want :)
I prefer to be laid back and to be approached so I dont look like an idiot.
men are still trying to figure out women. it's hard to get a read because women never fully say what they mean. Like when they complain about a guy calling them back in 3 days. They want the guy to call back soon, but don't want them to sound desperate. Instead of all that, wouldn't it better to just say call me tomorrow afternoon? yeah women are hard to figure out. but usually it comes from experience. the more experience, the easier to get a feel for what they mean and what they want. good luck
I used the trial and error aproach. If I say something and they start to cry. I learn never to say that again.
After many years of marriage I am down to two words.
Yes dear.
Just from instinct. I think sometimes if you try to go according to what other people think, things may go sour.
Great entry. There's nothing wrong with being "not smooth." Everyone has different preferences! And hey, as far as the kissing thing goes, my boyfriend and I did not kiss until we'd been together 8 months. It was worth the wait. I suppose the difference was that we talked about it quite a lot up to that point so our expectations were clear. I told him after only three months that I was ready, but we both agreed it was better to take things slow and have lots of time to savor and appreciate the natural progression. (It's his first dating relationship.)
Regarding your question, I guess I do okay at reading guys. I'd say it's about 50 % intution and 50% knowledge gained elsewhere. Some of that is from relationships, but the rest is from books about understanding the opposite sex. So yes, I can relate to what you do... books like "For Women Only" were quite revealing for me about how guys think. (There's a counterpart, "For Men Only," if you'd like a practical handbook. My boyfriend said it was great.) While some people don't *need* books like this, it certainly helps the rest of us. Saves some bother and miscommunications along the way.
ha same thing. though i've been told i 'shouldnt' have problems, i always do. maybe it's just an issue of confidence?
Noooo clue! I'm always like "what! he does not have a crush on me, he couldn't possibly!" when in reality, I'm the only one that doesn't see it. Otherwise though, I have a pretty good judge of character. I'm usually the first to go "I don't like that person" before anyone else. They usually think I judge too quickly, but then after a month they're in the same boat I am in... the "I don't like that person either" boat :)
Too bad logic and reasoning doesn't really apply to the human heart, male or female. Most of the time, you gotta go with your gut. Sure, you're gonna get it wrong occasionally, but hey, it's bound to improve your chances.
@bubbadirt@xanga - Haha. Your comment put a smile on my face!
Honestly, I'm pretty oblivious sometimes when it comes to reading an opposite gender's feelings. However, if it were just reading a person (of either gender), I can do pretty well and it's from instinct.
Aww, that's cute, you keep notes!
I can tell majority of the times when someone likes someone but it doesn't apply to me. I can't get things right with the opposite sex. Mostly because I just run away one way or another.
I will never understand men. There is no logic to anything they do. Ever. At least girls are logical (the problem is you boys aren't logical enough to follow us). ALthough I think women generally have a slightly better understanding of men than vice versa
Speaking from the perspective of someone who's been with perhaps too many different girls, please believe me when I say there is no understanding "women". You can occasionally understand "woman", but it's far too obvious to point out there is too much variety too understand them all. What comes off as smooth to one bird will seem creepy or overbearing to the next. What I've found is you eventually find the one you don't have to try to understand at all... you knew her the moment you met her.
Yeah I'm with you on this one... I'm about as smooth as the roughest sandpaper and about as observant as a dead giraffe. Sometimes I don't even notice when I'm embarrassing myself or when people are flat out asking/telling me something.
*is useless with men and women alike*
Hah. Great post.
To be honest with you, some women really like geeks. (I am one such.) And so, the simple answer is, if the girl likes you, she'll try to make a move! I don't know why women always wait for the guys to make the moves, sometimes it's just not going to happen unless she does it. So, no fear! The girls that won't tell you about what they're thinking aren't for you.
personally, i think it's experience from the past ones... the trial and error approach is really good because not everyone is going to be the same
i have noticed that there has to be effort from both sides for anything to work, but it doesn't have to be serious in each and every situation. when it becomes serious to the point that if one person gets mad over the significant other not going online one day (which probably happens a lot in this day and age), there has to be some kind of intervention
it's not always good to agree with everything, nor is it a smart choice to always disagree with the other person. develop a common ground, know each others' real feelings, and then play all that you want with them... just don't do something retarded like cheat.
my 2 cents. :P
there are probably dozens of books written to help people develope a better relationship. so i think you should go to your local library or even just google the stuff you're interested in learning. for that last girl, you should have, if you didn't, told her that you were just trying to be respectful and i don't see anything wrong with that. they key is, practice, practice, and more practice. if you first don't succeed, try harder.
@bubbadirt@xanga - NO! really? Wow! I don't want my SO to just say "Yes, dear" all the time : P
Being geeky is cute. ;)
Ha ha! I love this! Here is your insight on the female, my dear: WE don't know what we want either. One day we will want attention and coddling and the next we will want you to respect our ability to take care of ourselves. THE FEMALE AS A WHOLE ARE INSANE! I am the first to admit it! Just trust in your ability to go with the flow and enjoy the ride. I think the best relationships are friendships first...that way you can learn just how crazy your significant other is BEFORE you commit to them!
haha, i'm pretty much a relationship self-destruct mechanism that is started before theres even sign that there might be a relationship.
I've got to say, I'm no smooth as well, as gals are just a different species then men, sometimes it's really difficult just to understand them, their logic, let alone what the hell they want. What about what I want.
Here's what you need to do - Instead of 'reading the situation' - be yourself. Do what it is that you want to and see fit, to do. If the girl doesn't like or at least respect that, get out. No relationship is worth you being anything less that You.
In the particular situation involving the girl 'you wouldn't kiss' - You weren't the only person acting upon a misapprehension. You were thinking 'show respect', she was thinking 'he doesn't like me' - both of these opinions turned out to be wrong. You're playing yourself as the dummy, when in actual fact, you are in the exact same boat as her. (Totally mixing metaphors here, sorry...)
Dating's messy. It's awkward and plain uncomfortable to reveal who you actually are to someone whose opinion matters to you. But in the end, you can't sacrifice your own personality for the chance that someone will like who you're capable of pretending to be. The facade always falls. Weeks, months, sometimes years in.
Trust me, deep down -what we want isn't a great girl or a great guy; what we all really want is a great relationship.