Monday, 22 September 2008
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Who Should Pay for Dates - Guys, Girls or Both?
Mr. Giraffe
Traditionally, the man pays for the date. I don't really understand how that got started...maybe back when women didn't have jobs, they were broke so the man had to pay? Maybe that sounds ridiculous.It is in my belief that in a relationship, everything should be equal. Couples should go dutch or, like my ex and I, switch off every date. It's only fair because expecting the guy to pay for everything is just making a mockery of the relationship. First of all, it puts the male in a dominant position and the female in a subordinate one. Second, it easily exhausts the wallet and bank account. Finally, we like to be treated sometimes. Surprise is a two-way street.
But then, you have those regressive daters. Steve Brady, my favorite of the Sex and the City men, once broke up with Miranda because he felt emasculated by her paying for his suits and for dinners and such (2.10 "The Caste System"). I can understand that sentiment and see from where men like Steve are coming. It just undermines, however, all the effort women put in to break the glass ceiling. "I'm being punished for being successful?" Miranda asks during that episode.
Does who foots the bill really matter in a relationship? When they say, "love conquers all," is money included? Who pays for your dates?
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Comments (74)
it should be divided :] but if the guy really insists then let them :].
x Aimi think it all depends on who asked and where you are in the relationship. if i ask her out then i would expect to pay. if she asked me, then her. but if it was a mutal asking then it could be shared. if the relationship has been going own for some time it really does not matter as it will all work out in the end. but even if she was paying, i always offer to pay for something. the other consideration is who really has the $$. if she is not working or does not have the extra $$ for a "date" and i do? then i will gladly pay. it all needs to be talked about who will give what before the date.
My policy has always been, for at least the first few dates, the person who asks is the one to pay. After that, both should contribute what they order. It would strike me as very shaddy indeed if a girl asked me out on a date and then expected me to pay for her food. I don't date sponges.
I had this theory. The one who gets caught running out of the restaurant pays the bill.
I would think who ever initiated the date would automatically pay.
Been married 27 years. My check goes in her bank account and I eat for free. She pays. Cool huh?
my bf pays most of the time, but when he's broke at the moment, i pay...
I actually do believe what you said in the first paragraph was true - men paid for women because women were broke and jobless. In this modern era of supposed gender equality, I do agree that going dutch or taking turns paying for dinner is a necessity. I particularly like the idea of taking turns - especially if it's unregulated. It's fun to "race for the check" sometimes.
Also, I wouldn't feel emasculated if a woman was paying all the time, I just don't see why any sane woman would WANT to be paying for my broke ass all the time.
If it's really a problem, maybe both of you need to alternate. In my case, the lady I went out on a date with actually decided to pay for the movie tickets in advance. I was going to pay for us both, but if that didn't work out, I would have at least wanted to pay for my own ticket. I told her that I'd treat her next time(and I am lol regardless) It wasn't a bother to us. I still would have liked to have paid my own or both, but it didn't turn into this huge deal. She's not the type of person who tries to undermind people. She pays for stuff for alot of people, whether they are cousins or friends. She offers to pay. I think if she paid for everything all the time then that would be a problem just because I don't feel like I need anyone to be paying for my stuff when I'm more than capable to do it.
the guy typically pays for dates, sorry it may sound old school but it is what it is.. what girl would really go out with a new guy and expect to pay for half the date? if that were the case i guarantee you that would be that guys last date with the female..just being honest! and the guy would be viewed as a real cheapt a**hole...
now of course if you are married or dating for a long time it typically works out that sometimes the guy pays and other times the girl pays...
It's funny because in some way women want to be totally independent and don't want to be seen "underneath" men (feminism and so on) but on the other hand a lot of them wouldn't mind that men are always paying for the bills. I like everything to be equal.
My boyfriend pays for everything in our relationship. He doesn't let me pay for things I have tried. He wants to be the traditional guy who pays for things they way men did back in the day to "woo" a woman. I actually think it is along the lines of men in the Bible times doing everything they could to show they are worthy of marring a man's daughter. I think my b/f wants to pay for everything to show that he can take care of me in case we do get married, though if that happened we both would be paying for things.
@soskinny11735@xanga - I agree.
Just because it's a nice concept for the both to pay, it doesn't work out that way. Especially on the first date, if the guy doesn't offer to pay he'll just look like a cheap jerk (like she said), although there are opposites.
I am stubborn and don't usually like people paying for me, I just feel awkward, so I'll fight my way to put in some money down but if I end up having to pay for everything, that is not going to look good on his part in my book.
As for later on in the relationship, it's best to just take turns, and by this I don't mean to keep a count of who pays what. Just sometimes she pays and other times he pays. And if one has more money then the other, it's ideally that the one with the higher income contributes a bit more.
That makes me think of A Lot Like Love, when the guy (Ashton Kutcher) tells the girl he's with (Amanda Peet), "I don't mind paying, but at least make the reach [for the wallet]!" Next time they go out to eat, she "makes the reach," to which he says he'll get it, to which to insists on picking up the tab, and she wins. Love it.
Girls probably shouldn't assume a guy will pay, but I tend to go out with fairly traditional guys, so I don't know if it would insult them if I did offer to pay. I am really torn on the issue. I want to let gentlemen be gentlemen, but when it comes to paying for me, I honestly don't know what's expected of me.
I, being a guy, usually pay for all of it. But, I usually expect the girl to at least make the effort to try to go Dutch. But usually, that's only when I'm dating. When I'm already with someone, or we both insist on paying, we both go Dutch. I bet that didn't make any sense. Hahah.
it depends where they are in the relationship. but i would say that the longer a couple has been together, the more equally it should be split.
I would like for the guy to pay for the first few dates because the guy is pursuing the girl. Afterward maybe he can pay for the more expensive stuff like dinner and the girl can pay for drinks/movies. It's kinda the same theory as "why buy the cow when the milk is free?". If a girl pays her share now, who's going to treasure her later?
But I am in my late 20s, so my values are different from some people who've commented above.
i think whoever asked should pay.
that being said, having been asked to movies, there's never been a time when i didn't try to spring for popcorn. or when it's dinner at a restaurant, i usually at least *try* to my share. if he says "no" then i don't fight on it or insist. i graciously say, "are you sure? okay, thanks." and then i might try and spring for cocktails or coffee or whatever.
if it's a relationship, i don't think he should have to pay all the time for everything. i usually pay my own way or we take turns treating.
but that being said, my last bf was a complete deadbeat and leached off of me for 10 months with lies after lies after lies. so if the guy isn't paying for our first few dates, or doesn't have two nickles to rub together, it's not gonna work cuz i'm not really interested in providing charitable donations.
it should be equal...more or less cause nobody is keeping count in a relationship...
one thing i believe in is the guy should pay for the first date always...its my father calculation that the amount of money girls spend on maintaining their appearance is a substantial investment that girls have to make to stay beautiful =)
If a guy is pursuing me, he should be paying. The guy needs to show that he is worthy of caring for someone who could end up being the mother of his children, his family... something delicate and vulnerable - his responsibility.
You can't emasculate a guy by refusing to let him pay. Some guys really think that finances are their thing, if that's the case with your man, then let it be. Stop complaining. You can emasculate him elsewhere. Like in the bedroom. Or the grill. Or something.
Cosmo talks about this all the time. ≥.≤
One way to "go dutch" without insulting your man is if you buy drinks and he buys the meal, or you buy the pop corn if he gets the movie, buy the grill goodies and let him barbecue to his masculinity's content.
Seriously, though? Guys paying for meals, etc and taking care of the money end does NOT undermine feminism. It's not duct taping up the glass ceiling. It's a gender balance thing. It bothers you? Talk to your man. He won't give in? Find another guy if it's REALLY that big of a deal.
@buddy71@xanga - @cokeaddict@xanga - you both said what I agree is right. If he asks her out, he should be prepared to pay for it all. However, she can offer to buy something for the evening, too.
If she is the one doing the inviting, then she should be treating him by paying for all that is part of it, be it entry fees or food.
Sometimes, when you are both going through tight times, you can agree to share the expenses:
"Hey let's go with John and Janice and do the corn maze thing this weekend! I can afford the tickets if you can come out and play. I just can't go out to Starbucks like John and Janice are doing after it."
"I'd love to come out and wander the mazes! I'll bring the snacks and thermos of hot drinks and we can go to the park and enjoy the snacks there if you like. Who's driving?"
Either role above is fine for He or She...
@bubbadirt@xanga - LOL!
My bf is from Texas and is very traditional about the guy always paying. However, this doesn't sit right with me, I will usually insist on paying say, for the movie if he paid for dinner.
Both people should pay. That's how it works with my SO and me.
I don't want to pay for him all the time and vice versa.
@IMChurchmouse@xanga - mmm..... corn mazes are quite fun. one should not be forced to finance a date. but if i plan everything i would expect to pay. if she offers? i would think about it and wonder if she is just being nice and polite or really being sincere. of coures i would not shove her $$ back in her face. it should be a win/win situation. glad to see there is someone realistic out there besides me. lol
My boyfriend & I don't worry about money.. that's not a factor in our relationship. He likes to pay for me whenever we go out on dates but sometimes I sneak my card in before he gets a chance & he'll let me. It's not an issue for us. There isn't really a system for who pays. However, most of the time he'll pay 'cause he wants me to save up my money so I can book a flight to visit him & also 'cause he knows I make less money.. :)
Personally, I believe that both should pay. Especially if I'm the one that wants to go out for dinner or see a movie that I want to see. BUT.. my boyfriend always insists on paying. He says that I shouldn't have to pay because I'm still in school and should be saving my money (he's recently graduated). But, sometimes I would like to be able to treat him to something. I have two part-time jobs so it isn't like I don't have any money.