Monday, 22 September 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: The Timing Is All Wrong - Can We Date Anyway?
Dr. DatingishWhat do you do if you FINALLY find someone that's perfect...but the timing is all wrong?
There's a guy I knew briefly in high school - he was a senior when I was a freshman. I had a silly crush on him back then, but kind of forgot about it after he graduated and moved away.
About a month ago I randomly started talking to him on Facebook and we actually started to hang out again. We truly hit it off and had a blast together (now we're both in college although we're still at different levels - he's graduating and going to law school next year and I'm starting all over with a new major!).
But I recently found out that I've got some major medical issues, so I'm going to move back in with my mom because it will be easier financially for me and I need the moral support. He and I will be living far apart from each other and our lives have gotten pretty complicated....
My question is this: can love surmount these obstacles, or should we just be friends for now?
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Comments (30)
there's no cookie cutter answer. how far is far? maybe try LD for a couple of months. it'll be hard, but if it's bearable, then maybe it's worth a shot.
tough choice though.
g'luck with the guy and more importantly with your health.
the phrase "timing is everything" exists for a reason. While it could potentially work out, it might not be worth the stress and you should really focus on your health. I say wait. If you guys are meant to find your way back to each other, you will.
How developed is this relationship? Have you two been hanging out or actually dating? It depends on the situation. If you two have been dating & you're both confiding in each other, I'd say share what's going on & figure out the next step together. However, if you two are only hanging out & nothing official, then don't bring up your health issue until he asks why you've moved back & such. If you two are meant to be, things will happen naturally. I'd say the most important issue for you at hand is your health & getting better.
@hopelessromantic - I agreed.
@hopelessromantic - Bingo on the nose.
If it's right, then it will come together at the right time no matter the obstacles. The right guy at the wrong time is the wrong guy.
You need to consider whether you can handle the strain of a relationship, especially a long-distance one, while you are dealing with your medical issues, and whether the additional strain will affect your health.
trust me... don't waste your time with a long distance relationship...
@hopelessromantic - I agree.
@hopelessromantic - Agreed.
@AnswerGuy@xanga - I've seen long distance relationships work out. One of my friends, for two-three years their relationship have been long distance and they're still going strong. Now though, they only live 15 mins. away from each other as oppose to the 4 hours.
@awokenfatality@xanga - I would hardly call 15 mins away long distance. I'm willing to be up to 1.5 hrs away and not call it long distance.. but that's cause I love to drive... but 15 mins? By car? That's like a 30 min bike ride... that's nothing... let's put things into perspective... it takes me 15 mins to get to work by street in the same city. It takes me 15 mins to go from my house to the mall by street. It takes me 15 mins to get to the local junior college by street. In 15 mins I'm easily in the next city. When I was in college it took me 30 mins to get to school from the time I left the house... and I was just 2 exits down. It used to take me 30 mins to get to work. 15 mins? Long distance? Unless they're still in junior high and can't drive... 15 mins is a blink of an eye..
@AnswerGuy@xanga - Noo, I'm sorry, I should have worded it differently. For the first 2 years of their relationship they were 4 hours away from each. Then, they were two hours apart as they started to close the distance for a year. NOW, they are 15 minutes away, I said this last bit to show how strong that they have grown that she moved to go to school where he is now.
15 minutes is definitely a blink of an eye. Sorry if I confused you.
save the drama, just be friends
@awokenfatality@xanga - 4 hours!? that's hardly a difficult LD. it takes 2 hours just to drive from one end of my city to the other. that's why i asked how far is far?
if it's a distance that prevents them from being able to see each other on the weekends, then it qualifies as serious LD. in that situation, i wouldn't recommend giving LD a shot. but if it's just between two neighbouring college towns and they can easily see each other on the weekends, i don't see it as a big deal.
I do believe in focusing on your health right now. Taking care of yourself is at the top of the list. People who are in deep relationships tend to lose themselves, but it is completely all right for him to be supportive of you.
Good luck and I wish you the best of health!
If you two are just hanging out and there's nothing official, don't rush into things and take care of your own health. If things are serious, I think he'll be able to understand where you're coming from. It's a tough situation, but if he really cares, at least he'll give it a try or be there for you even if it's just a friendship.
Love, peace, and chicken grease!
@cokeaddict@xanga - What city do you live in? And that's four hours without traffic, you can easily face six hours. The distance did prevent them from seeing each other on weekends. They were both in high school with busy lives and no cars. They would spend weeks without seeing each other. And travel expensives is a lot. $40 for one way and then $40 for back home.
@awokenfatality@xanga - well i can agree with you there. during high school without cars would make that pretty difficult. i live in Toronto. so getting from east end Scarborough to West end Etobicoke takes about 2 hours unless both your start location and destination are right by the highway
@JaDoodles@xanga - I'm in this camp. Take care of the health issues, and just see what he seems comfortable doing.
Don't ask him to "go the distance" at any time. If he offers to, then that is his gift to give and for you to receive. This is something YOU two need to decide on, and no one else can possibly know the rightest answers, more than you two.
If you WANT it to, it can work. My experience-
I had a really good friend who was a senior in college, while I was a sophomore. I had no idea he had feelings for me, until he broke it to me about a month before he was going to graduate. He said he'd been wrestling with it for some time and wasn't sure what to do, but decided eventually to bring it up.
*Side note- we're both in the Air Force. At this point, he also knew he was going to be stationed in ALASKA. While I go to school in Ohio, and will be stationed here when I graduate in May.
At the time, we didn't end up dating, but kept in good touch. Several months later, even with the distance, we decided to try again and "got together" for real- but long distance. Fast-forward over a year and we've seen each other for a total of a month in that year. 4 times a year we get a week together. But even with all that- we're engaged, getting married in May, and he goes back to Alaska while I go to Ohio. Eventually, in a couple years, we'll get stationed together, and until then, it'll be hard as all get out to keep doing this long distance thing (yes, I'm not gonna lie, it SUCKS.). But all that to say... if you want it, it'll work out. It's work, it really is, but if you guys are both willing to put up with that for each other, than it's entirely worth it in the end. ^_^
if it's meant to be, it will be, so let it be.
Yes, it can.
Don't give up easily.
As long as you guys have a chance of staying together in the future, keep it.
friends for now, date later, otherwise too much pressure for both of you,
the only thing you can do is follow your heart. try it. if it doesn't work out, at least you tried and found the outcome, and you won't constantly be thinking "what if".
Well it's hard to say. For some people no matter how much they love someone it just doesn't work LD. For others it does. My fiance and I dating LD for a long period of time once. It was hard not to be able to be close to him for awhile or touch him but we tried our hardest and we got through it. So i'd say give it a chance, see what happens. If you wait too long to date him, he might find someone else. If it doesn't work LD, try again when you're closer if you can. Good luck with getting better and good luck with the guy :p
Sounds almost like a situation I almost ended up in LOL