Monday, 22 September 2008
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Talking about Your Ex with Your Current BF/GF
This is a guest post submitted by breakingthemold.
So you're on a date and the conversation is going swimmingly. A topic gets brought up that reminds you of a funny story that happened in a previous relationship of yours. Before you think it through, you mention your ex and this super funny/smart thing he did that the topic reminded you of.
Later, a song comes on the radio and you make a comment about how that song reminds you of your ex. (The song "I'm Still A Guy" by Brad Paisley will always remind me of my ex.) Your date looks at you with an odd expression on his face before trying to laugh it off or change the subject. Eventually it passes, but for the moment at least the air is full of tension and you're unsure of what to say next.Regardless of why the previous relationship ended, your ex was a part of your life and things are going to remind you of him. But the question is, do you mention it?
How often do you mention your ex to your SO? Does he or she mind?
Is it impolite to talk about your ex when with your current SO?
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Comments (51)
i would think it depended on the context and how far into this new relationship you are. if you've been dating for a long time then i don't think it'd be an issue as long as you're not *always* talking about the ex.
but some people are a little more insecure than others... so when in doubt, i'd say err on the side of saying too little than saying too much.
It's bound to happen, but so uncomfortable when it does. Especailly when a current relationship is still new. It takes alot of confidence building to get to where you can say "remember that guy I left in the dust? He used to do the strangest/funniest/most annoying ..." without any awkward twinges.
Avoid mentioning it at all times. It's never fun to hear about the past person you were with, and thinking about it makes things hard.
No matter what, you're with this new person and because you're still with them, they are infinitely better. Do not make the ex look good. Only mention the ex to complain about them.
I would hope that any guy I date would be sufficiently secure in himself and our relationship that he wouldn't mind me mentioning exes any more than he would mind me mentioning old friends, because really, that's all I feel towards them anymore, and he has to accept that.
I was kind of upset last night because I mentioned my first boyfriend to my current boyfriend. (first relationship - 1 week. current relationship - 2.5+ years. Obviously, something made me stick around in the current one a bit longer.) My current boyfriend changed his expression just slightly, and so I asked him what's up. We worked it out, but the fact that he thought anything of it in the first place was pretty sad to me. Maybe he's just upset that my prior relationships have always worked out well, while his... not so much. *shrug*
In the beginning of my relationship with my SO, both of our exes were causing us drama, so at this point we're used to of bringing up thhem up. However, we don't comment on things that remind us of them, probably because the drama that was caused in the beginning burned out any chance of that.
It's inappropriate to bring up the ex because it's inconsiderate to your current SO. There's a reason the ex isn't your current, so let them stay in the past.
If a guy mentioned his SO more than once on a first date, then I would really question whether he was really over her or not. She would have to be pretty fresh on his mind for him to bring it up twice. I would have serious reservations about moving forward in that case.
Keep it simple: Just tell em 'it didn't work out'.
anything you tell should be used to help your new S.O. understand you better - what worked/didn't work..
I wouldn't bring up exes on a first date...at all. That's seems to me a sign that the date hasnt' gotten over the person.
But...whether your current SO like it or not, exes are a part of your past. Good or bad, they have to accept that. I wouldn't bring up exes all the -time- but your current SO should be secure enough that they won't get upset if you mention your ex.
I once went out with this girl who talked about her ex all the time.
I wrote it off the same way every sane person raised in the 90's does. "He was a big part of her life" I told myself, "Of course she's going to talk alot about him".
And then she dumped me and got back together with him.
I know that's a pretty pointless story, but I just like to point out that there are some people out there who really do just talk incessantly about their ex because they're still in love with them. And thusly, it IS something that shouldn't be taken lightly.
I say let that shit die. As a general rule, I never talk about my ex's with my current... and I don't want to hear about it... my most recent ex talked about her ex's A LOT.... can't say it bothered me much... but then again.. I'm not like most guys who would probably have wanted to back hand her for the stuff she'd say.... there's a balance to it... and it's a fine line, which is why I just don't talk about them.. and if it's something I have to talk about, I never use names. I've found it makes everyone happier in the long run.
i sometimes talk about how awful my exes were if i ever do talk about them. most/all of them were terrible girlfriends and did something terrible to me or acted incredibly dramatically (see: cheated on twice, three or four drama queens) so... yeah.
when i first started dating my bf, he made it clear that we only talk about our ex in the realm of getting to know each other and who we dealt with in the past-- brief, but other than just touching on the subject, and then it should not be brought up or for conversation afterwards.
He told me that if you are in need to talk about your ex, then you are not completely over it. You're still reminiscing I guess...
I think it is healthy also.
I rarely bring up the topic of my ex-boyfriend/boys I've dated in the past. When I do, my boyfriend is secure enough to know that the relationship didn't work out for a reason & I'm not with him & I'm not going anywhere. I think it's impolite if you frequently talk about your ex in front of your current significant other but once or twice is fine. My boyfriend & I mentioned our previous dating relationships so that we can better understand where the other is coming from & what we're looking for in our current relationship. I think that's the only time it's okay to mention previous relationships. Now, if my boyfriend constantly mentioned the last girl he crushed on, I'd drop him like a hot potato. He'd do the same to me.
Wow. Cuz otherwise, you could be SERIOUSLY screwing yourself over being all ex happy.
It's different when you're settled in a relationship. My SO hasn't really had a lot of girlfriends (so not a lot of ex's either).... but I've had A LOT. A lot of my stories involve them since they've been a big part of my life.Â
My boyfriend and I best friends first and foremost so at one point I just asked him (which can be difficult if you're not bffs) if it bothered him when I talked about my ex's. He said that, yah, sometimes it did, but more often than not, the story that I told ended up with a compliment to him or an insult to my ex. He also understood that my feelings for my ex's are nil.Â
On the other hand, the girls that he's had in HIS life have been very, VERY serious relationships and it still makes me uncomfortable when he talks about them. He's strange about it, though, because almost every reference ends in a pretty bitter insult (all of those relationships ended VERY poorly).Â
Fortunately, as friends, we can talk about these issues very openly and neither one of us feels like we have to listen to stories that make us uncomfortable. There's always that chance to say, "Know what? I don't really want to talk about/hear this right now. Is that alright?"
It seems a little disjointed, but we both respect that.
(THIS WAS REALLY LONG. SORRY!!!)
I wouldn't say that talking about your ex is bad. but saying things remind you of your ex could be... I mean, it implies kind of a nostalgia that your current SO might not want to hear. Especially if you're bringing your ex up often. But talking about your SO in certain situations shouldn't matter. Most likely, if you are both adults, you have both dated other people and that is a part of life. It has brought you to where you are now and has made you who are today, so the other person should accept that.
It is frankly impolite. It also shows that you're not over your ex to that person, and baggage at the beginning isn't good. The other person may feel like you're comparing your ex to them and seeing if you're good enough. Say the little bit as possible about your ex.
I guess It depends on the situattion. My ex- is also my sons father, so..... he is constant in our converstions at times. when we first got together he thouhgt I would go back to him because I had just ended my relationship of ten plus years, but he has come to accept that he will always be apart of our lives. He may be a little uncomfortable when I mention how long we have been together but other than that he feels he is the better man....and he probably is
@awokenfatality@xanga - I agreed.
Nevertheless, I didn't have a lot of luck making good guy friends; and so the few that I made a connection with and were more than mere acquaintainces ended up being my former bfs. Â They pretty much kind of shaped my life in some ways in a small sense lol. Â
if your SO is going to be married to you, you should throw all of them out in the open once and for all...if not, then just keep it to yourself. a jealous guy would be furious when he hears about his SO's exes. an understanding guy would understand (go figures) that her ex is just part of her past and there is no need to avoid it.
you want straightforward, simple advice?Â
DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR EX EVER EVER EVERRR.I don't mention it. It's not relevant to the new relationship. And regardless of what people say, things like this will fade quickly out of your memory. Otherwise you're not over them!
I think it's okay to mention some of the bad things about your ex to the new person. That way they know you're not missing all of the wonderful times you shared with the ex. I think it also lets people know what you don't want to repeat, if you know what I mean.
@mo_chic_for_jesus@xanga - I agree, if it comes up as an EX mentioned twice during FIRST date, then the person is still too entwined to be more than a nice date. You can learn a lot about what kind of person they are by how they talk about the ex's, though. Are they bitter and talkin trash? Or talking nice and saying that they are still not compatible?
@MissMoirah@xanga - your points are good, too. These people are part of our experiences. Current SO's should feel comfortable in hearing and sharing on our life experiences.
@AnswerGuy@xanga - your answer is the one I was coming to: I don't mention them as ex's unless it matters to the point, and only if this is after some time has gone by where we are comfortable with each other (NOT the first date, or even the second one).
BTW: just because we date someone, doesn't make them a Significant Other...yet. It just means we are trying the togetherness out for size. If it works, then we might declare the interest is there for the SO title. Once that is what we see the other person as, they should be comfy with us talking about all the folks we've had in our lives. Ex's or even just the crushes we never got to date.
@irishgrrl690@xanga - what you said is right on my mark, too.