Friday, 19 September 2008
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Can You Cheat Just Once?
Mr. Giraffe
Nothing grosses me out more than infidelity. In my book, it is Dealbreaker #1. I've seen it in pop culture many a time (The Women, Little Children, Unfaithful, Sex and the City Season 3) but I've never experienced it either first-hand or second-hand.But then my friend Susan started dating this guy George and, while I was never a fan of the guy, I accepted their relationship - who was I to control someone's love life when I had none of my own?
They looked happy enough and as I got to know George a little he seemed to be an okay guy. He still dressed like an old man and made awkward jokes but he'd get offended when we joked about those things. But, whatever, I was happy if she was happy.
Then he blew it.
"He cheated on me with the girl from Skidmore!" she said, and I had a mix of emotions. I wanted to laugh because we thought the girl from Skidmore was someone George made up in order to make Susan jealous during their courtship phase. But I also felt sick to my stomach just thinking that George had the gall to do something so horrible to a great girl like Susan.
She forgave him because he was honest with her and seemed actually repentant. He promised never to do it again.
It makes me wonder: can a couple survive infidelity if it just happens once? Are my rules too strict?
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Comments (156)
I do believe that you can cheat once, and only once. People make mistakes.
However, I have zero tolerance for people who makes mistakes like that. Cheating once is no different from cheating several times in my book - it's disgraceful.
No your rules are not too strict. Everyone is different, but I know that if my partner ever cheated on me, as much as I may want to, I'd never be able to forgive him.
They say love can get you through anything, but when you betray love in such a way, I don't think a person can be expected to forgive that. It would be way too painful for me to look at that person's face ever again - I would be constantly reminded of what they'd done to me.
Some people are able to move past the cheating and actually have the relationship strengthened by it. It doesn't happen very often but it does happen on occasion.
I think that your rule is a very good rule though. Just because a relationship can move past infidelity doesn't mean that it should.
I would say it depends. Some couples can last through that situation multiple times and some break apart if it happens once. I think it depends on the situation. Have you been only dating them a short period of time? Then it probably isn't a good sign. If you have been dating them a while then it is a matter of trust. Have they done anything to cause you to not trust them before. If you can't trust the person well it shouldn't matter how long you have been dating, it isn't worth it. But if you have been dating a while and you know in your heart you can truly trust them, they seem sorry and they swear they won't do it again then you should at least give them some trust. If they start showing more signs that lead you to believe that you can't trust them that is when you get rid of them. I guess it mostly depends on how much you trust the person.
I sure hope so. My husband cheated. He said he would never do it again. I believe in second chances, but not third or fourth...or i'm outtie!
I've have not cheated in any relationship; past or present, it's not my style. If polygamy is something your looking into then you won't find it with me!
Sara
I was in your friend Susan's position last November, and I forgave him after he promised it would never happen again. But it did, and I called it quits. I think whenever a party cheats, there must be something fundamentally wrong with the relationship... and if it's not addressed and fixed, will cause more problems down the line and eventually wreck everything.
Ugh.
Xo
I know a friend who's has done something with someone that wasn't her SO. He forgave and now they're happily married and the incident hasn't repeated because she learned and saw how wrong it was. I do believe in second chances, but third? No. After the second time, there's an even higher chance that they'll do it again.
I personally do believe that people can only cheat once. My best friend always says "Once a cheater always a cheater" but that is completely untrue. I for example cheated on my boyfriend(we're still together) but honestly,it was a huge mistake and it's never happening again,that's not the person I want to be.People do make mistakes,and most people don't repeat the same mistake
Honestly, I've tried to forgive.... forgiving is hard.... but forgetting is even HARDER.... I would never let it slide. U cheat once, its the same as cheating 30 times. BYE!!!
if it was an honest mistake and they learned from it (and it made them realize how important their S.O. is to them), then i believe it can be a one time thing. some people need to make that mistake in order to fully realize never to do it again.
but if the person cheated b/c of a bigger reason (unhappy with the relationship, etc), then it's over.
i agree with what someone above me said.. i believe in 2nd chances, but not a 3rd.
For me, it's all about trust. once the person cheated the trust is broken. Trust is not something that can be fixed so easily neither and without trust, it's hard to have a healthy relationship. I mean I do wonder when the person is cheating...do thoughts of their SO going through their minds? if so, do they think about the hurt and pain and the possible scars they are inflicting on their SO because of their action? so no, your rule is not too strict at all. once is already too many times.
I think MAYBE once. But it does change everything in a relationship.
It's possible for them to survive, but that doesn't mean that YOU have to put up with it. If it bothers YOU, there's no reason you should compromise your beliefs/morals for someone whose own obviously aren't aligned with yours.
Theoretically, yeah, you could just cheat once.
But I wouldn't be in the slightest interested in dating someone who had done that - EVER.
never ok to cheat. not even once
It depends on how far the cheating goes and what the relationship was with the other paramour before and after the incident.
I don't EVER condone cheating. No. Never. I have only made this exception ONCE and it was one of the most  painful times in  my life as I grappled with whether or not this could be the one exception--whether it was even worth it.
He and I are now very, very happy in an extremely long term relationship and the other girl (his ex, who he kissed once after she confessed she still loved him) has disappeared from our lives completely. It was a good decision and I don't regret forgiving him.
i believe that some couples can survive the cheating but for me, there's no way in hell that i'll accept that kind of behavior.
Uh, no, your rules are not strict. They're perfect for someone who respects herself and knows she deserves the loyalty, respect, and full devotion of her SO. With so much cheating going on around us, we sometimes doubt ourselves on whether we're being too harsh about our "if you cheat, goodbye!" standards, but don't cave in. Don't let cheating become something that is OK. It's not. It's betrayal.
I think some of the comments made were funny. Ok, we ALL know cheating is not good for a relationship, that it's not ok, etc., but guess what, it HAPPENS. We are all human here......i think cheating is despicable BUT i think if you really love someone then you shouldnt immediately decide you dont after they cheat, if they do. Your love for the person doesnt change after an act like that--at least it shouldnt because then that just shows me that you only loved them when they were being good to you--the only thing that changes is your perception of the person and the trust you feel for them. People make mistakes in life, whether it's because they werent getting the support they needed during a stressful time and found someone else who gave that support or an LDR or what have you, a mistake is a mistake and if you are willing to risk your heart once again to forgive them, you should. We all want to be forgiven in life--so we have to remember to be merciful when it comes to giving forgiveness out. I'm not saying forgiveness should be handed out like candy at halloween-time for every time someone cheats--even I draw the line there--what i'm saying is, having it happen once because the relationship was suffering, although not an excuse, is understandable to me. If a person is willing to look past the indiscretion and both parties can agree to work on one another and become better friends than they were to each other before, i think that it is very pheasible to have cheating happen once and for it to be forgiven and even make the relationship better than it was. To me, that shows an unparalleled amount of maturity and humility, and also shows that perhaps the person who you cheated on, who so lovingly forgave you, is someone worth keeping around. Just my two cents.
There was so much infidelity in my first relationship it was disgusting. I think it all depends on the people in the relationship. Some people can deal with their SO cheating on them, some can't. I no longer can or will, nor will I ever cheat on a SO ever again.
I'm not sure that I could ever trust a guy again who cheated on me, so I dunno. But then again, people make mistakes. I don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater." Hell, I cheated once. But does that mean I would do it again? No. The problem with cheating is that the trust is broken. But I guess if he fessed up about it right away, then maybe that helped the trust be less broken.
I think it's a huge deal in someone's head to give up on someone. Once you say to yourself that that person's feelings are not important to me, then it's over. It's a huge decision to cheat on someone. It's not like, "oh, I accidentally pressed the wrong button." Cheating takes an effort. No road back from this betrayal. She shouldn't kid herself.
yes you can but it may be hard. as the reason to stray could be still there. as one that has strayed...i find myself looking. not saying it is right. just giving my input from one that has gone of course.
I would give ur friend advice that my mom who has alot more experience than me or my friend ciara had. " Once a cheater. Always a cheater." Now I say me or my friend ciara because Ciara and I dated guys for about two years. My boyfriend he was faithful all the way up to our two year anniversary and Ciara this is where I'm getting to the point her boyfriend cheated on her once and because she loved him forgave him well turns out they just broke up again because he cheated on her! Because of their relationship I will never get back with my ex or someone who cheats on me. My mom was right you are just setting yourself out for another heartbreak.
since we are talking about cheating what do you do when your ex boyfriend is cheating on his current gf and you know about it but she doesn't and we are talking more than once.