Mr. LionThe most interesting thing about the trip was talk of an arranged
marriage.
It was 2005 and I went back to my country for the second time
since I came to the U.S. as a young, wide-eyed boy. I couldn't believe
what I was hearing. I was a twenty-year-old kid trying to finish
college. My parents wanted an arranged marriage between me and a random woman I've
never met because they thought I was losing culture (which I wasn't -
they just assumed that was the case).
I had my younger brother sit in on their
conversations. He was 11, so everyone just ignored him; he didn’t know
any better, they thought. He would report back to me with all the
details. My brother-in-law came
talk to me about it a few days afterwards.
I didn't want to be married; I didn't
want to be financially responsible for someone else when I was barely
taking care of myself. I didn't even have a job yet! There were too many things to worry about.
When
we got back, I thought about it for a while - not marriage, specifically, but how
someone can love another if they've never met. My parents' marriage was
arranged, but they'd met a number of times before. Now I was supposed
to do the same without meeting my future wife?
How is that supposed to go,
love at first sight? I didn't even believe in that concept. When my
parents were married, they were still essentially strangers. They never
dated; they were just two people who knew each other and then were
arranged for marriage. Both learned to love each other over the
years.
But I don't want to learn to love someone after I'm married.
What if it doesn't work? I don't believe in divorce, so am I supposed
to be stuck with this stranger I don't love? I feel worse for her,
knowing she has to spend her life with some guy she will never love.
I
still haven't really said anything to my parents about it. They haven't
approached me about it, but I think they've realized that I don't
want to be arranged. As long as they don't bring it up, I'm okay with
their contemplating the idea.
Now you're up: Do you think two people can learn to love each other after getting an arranged marriage? What would you have done if you were in my situation? Is love first sight possible?
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Comments (71)
it can happen, but very unlikely.
They can learn to love each other, but it would most likely be the type of respect love or the way you love your friend.
I would say it is more of infatuation at first sight then love.
I'd like to say that your parents should respect your wishes and the fact that you can't support her right now, but I don't know anything about your culture and it might be presumptuous and "American" to do so. But really, for as long as I've known about arranged marriages I thought that most of the time they're a bit stupid (no offence to anyone). If the two people, like you, don't learn to love each other and don't believe in divorce, are they just supposed to hate each other for eighty years? Don't know about you but that's not the kind of life I want to live. Maybe try showing your parents that you're not culturally inept and that you actually do know about your heritage. If they won't listen to you then maybe they'll be able to see and take you more seriously. If they don't, there's not a whole lot you can do except to do what you need to do, even if it's not exactly what they want.
@HeartOfPandora@xanga - i'm not getting arranged no matter what they say. Just not going to happen but just the discussion of is what bothered me and triggered my thoughts about how one can actually do such a thing. I don't have a problem with others doing it, i just don;t understand a lot of things behind it
I don't think it can be true love at first sight. A spark of it? Maybe. But not true, long lasting love. But true love can start from a spark so maybe that's where people get that idea.
As for the arranged marriage, I wouldn't want it for me but I could see how it'd work. But only, and ONLY if both sets of parents knew the other side of the "match" REALLY well and knew personalities and stuff would mesh well with their child. But even that would be difficult because parents don't always know their children that well.
While reading this the song "Do You Love Me?" from Fiddler On The Roof comes to mind, lol. After 25 years of marriage, asking your spouse if they love you. Now THAT I can not fathom. I'd much rather fall in love before marriage thank you.
I think you should make it clear to your parents you have no intentions of having an arranged marriage. You wouldn't want to assume & have them spring it up on you in a few years, "Surprise! For your 28th birthday we thought it'd be nice to give you a bride as a present!" [Please don't kill me! It's meant to be humorous! As in WORST case scenario.]
I know in the "old" days, they would have arranged marriages to form allegiances between families: for monetary & political reasons. I don't know the other reasons for arranged marriages. I do know my grandparents [mom's side] were placed together through an arranged marriage although I'm not sure why my paternal grandparents weren't & they're all of the same generation.
I definitely hear people on the whole learning to love & it'll definitely be a different type of love, the respect kind. In the Wedding Planner, Jennifer Lopez's character's father said it best "For the first time, I appreciated her. Then the appreciation grew to respect. Respect grew to like. Then like grew to love. A deeper love than I could ever hope for." Now, I'm not saying that's what's going to happen or that's what usually happens in arranged marriages but that's what I think happens. [I'm a quotes fiend. hehe.]
That said, I think it is rare that there will be love at first sight with arranged marriages. & I'm not too sure if I believe in love at first sight in general. 'Cause I love my boyfriend but it definitely wasn't love at first sight. lol. [Now I'm thinking about how we met.. it's a crrrazy story!]
I have a friend whose aunt and uncle (on her mother's side) we arranged to marry. They are an American family, from South Dakota. Apparently, in that part of the family, arranged marriages are pretty normal. The aunt and uncle had met several times before, and really gotten to know each other's families. There was always some kind of chaperon around whenever the met, though, so they never really got to know each other.
20 years later they are still happily married with 13 children. Their oldest son was wed (another arranged marriage) their second oldest son chose his own wife, and their oldest daughter was recently married (also arranged). So far this has been the tradition in their family, and there have been no divorces.
Is this lifestyle appropriate for everyone? NO! If I hadn't met my current boyfriend and my parents had tried to arrange a marriage for me, though, I would have at least agreed to meet the guy. Not sure if I'd go through with marrying him, but I'd give him a chance.
I understand that you don't want to be financially responsible for somebody else at this point, though. Marrying a girl when you can't support her would be irresponsible of you, and I applaud you for realizing that.
Maybe keep this whole thing in mind, but work on setting up a life for YOURSELF before you work on setting up a life with somebody else. And who knows, maybe you'll find the right girl along the way, whether it's arranged or not.
I do believe that two people can learn to love each other. If you're interested in the topic, I recommend reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I fully believe that any two people on the planet can learn to truly love one another, but it would probably take a little time and effort. It's a book worth reading, and it greatly improved my own relationship.
Good luck!
I think that if people spend enough time together, they can learn to love each other, but I don't think that kind of love is the same.
Love at first sight=no emotional contact at all=love of the other person's physical traits (unless he/she has some kind of aura only you can see)
So love at first sight isn't going to get you far into marriage unless you get into the emotional part more
Arranged marriage is the same thing; it won't work unless you get to know the other person emotionally...so ask your parents to let you talk to her before getting married?
I do think it is possible for two people to learn to love each other in an arranged marriage.
Unless I ever come into such a situation, I don't believe in love at first sight.
To me, love is like a plant. You plant the seed under the soil and at first you cannot see the actual plant. With the right ingredients and care, the plant starts to grow and flourish. And like all things, once the plant has lived it's full life, it dies. However, sometimes, it will live on for a long long time.
I don't believe that love at first sight would be possible if you get yourself into an arranged marriage. But honestly, according to our different cultures -- arrange marriages seem to be more successful than what we have as a "modern/western" day culture (like dating the person, falling in love, etc.) then getting married.
In case you haven't noticed, divorce rates have been shooting up, maybe even through the roof...who knows? It feels as if some couples who want to be together aren't not taking full responsibilities as to ensure their future. They get married due to the moment that they are happy and after they are married, they find out that they're not right for each other or that they cheat -- either way, they end up in a divorce.
My boyfriend's parents had an arranged marriage. As he explains it, MOST arranged marriages are successful because you do learn to love the other person. If your family is good with her family, it is most likely that you will get along with her too (unless it's the total opposite, then you're kind of screwed.)
Anyways, best of wishes!
if arranging your marriage is your parents way or reminding you of your culture and heritage, and you're not up for that, there's always a way to compromise with them..
talk to them seriously about preserving your culture in yourself (afterall its part of who you are), and not bein ready to get married ready or not..tell them your goals, your career plans, what you want to do..
maybe you might like to meet the girl they like for you and become friends first..then the two of you should decide if you'll click as friends or as lovers..
arranging a marriage is usually a way for parents to make sure you'll be alright, that you have a family in case they'll be gone..but of course not all the time it can be ok..there are cases that one of you might be in love with someone else already and is forced to marry the other..
yes, you will learn to respect, trust and adore your partner..you will even learn to love her..and she will to you..if things do get along well..
but there will always be the thought that its better if you have fallen for each other rather than forced to marry thus love one another..
should your parents bring up the topic to you, just explain your side..im sure they will only want the best for you..
I think that arraigned marriages can work out, and I've met people who have had arraigned marriages. But I also think that there is a more natural way for things to happen, and I would rather have it that way.
And no, I do not believe in love at first sight. It's more lust htan love. Love at first sight seems like a load of baloney to me. :)
I think that people are compatible with at least half, if not all, of all of the people of their sexual preference that they meet, AS LONG AS they are willing to try to make the relationship work.
That being said, I probably would not only cuss my parents out, but threaten to change my name, disown them, and never speak to them again if they tried to arrange a marriage for me.
You do seem to be losing touch with your culture. Your ideas of marriage are quite americanized. You don't believe in divorce (this isn't the americanized part, as you can guess), yet you don't want to invest yourself in a marriage. You want things to come to you easy, with no effort at all.
Well, arranged marriages require as much effort as that you put into your own family.
I mean, you can't change your parents, you can't change your siblings, you didn't love them when you were born (in fact, you had never SEEN them before!) but you ended up loving them the way they are, while making compromises here and there.
Should your parents not have had you because maybe there was a chance you wouldn't get along with the family? Should they have gone out looking to adopt?
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, no matter how much you love a person, marriage is STILL going to be a lot of work! Even if you do find a love match and everything is good in the love department, there will still be problems in the marriage. It aint easy!
So why not give arranged marriage a chance? It's going to be the same amount of work, and learning to love someone can be quite an interesting process. A perk to an arranged marriage is that after you are married, you keep finding out new things about your spouse. I can tell you that this will keep the marriage interesting. Honeymoon won't be over when the honeymoon is over. It will go one for many years. Learning to love someone as you live with them is much more fun than loving someone first, and then finding out things about them (which may not be to your liking and therefore decrease your chance of a happy marriage).
Anyway, I don't know why I typed all that, seeing as to how I'd never agree to an arranged marriage and would not recommend it to anyone. :)
i think people can absolutely learn to love each other. both members go into the marriage expecting it to last and therefor LOOKING for things to love in their spouse, and trying to be loveable in return. It worked for generations before ours!
That said, I don't think I would have wanted my marriage arranged. I understand some of the ideas behind it and I respect them, but it just wouldn't be right for me. As much as I love my parents, I don't think I would trust them to make such a huge decision for me, especially since we have different beliefs.
Like u said, this is a cultural thing. I think that ur future wife already grew up knowing and waiting for a day a "stranger" man will come and marry her and learn to love her. And yea, I think there is love at first sight ^^
Good lucky !!
Ah man.. I feel for you!
My mum wanted me to 'see' someone she thought was 'son in-law' material. We joked about it here and there [well it was more me] but fact remained that she was still serious. So I met with the guy to please mum and I even decided to think positive, you never know right?
I should have just stuck to my gut feelings and bolted. The meeting was awful.. I wasn't attracted to him at all, not physically nor in any other way.
But the good thing was it was evident that we were not compatible so even mum had to back down afer that..
Just let your mum and pa know that you want someone you're going to be happy with and vice versa, that you don't want a situation where by if things go wrong you feel some sort of resentment towards your parents for making you go through it all.
It worked on my mum, I hope things work out well for you ^^
@XXVl@xanga - Can you please explain to me how its an American thing to not want to be forced into marriage? Not be selfish by forcing someone else into a marriage and not wanting a house wife in this country, when people can barely find jobs and eat? I'd like to know. thanks
@unfathomed_caves@xanga - yeah my older sister hates my parents for that.  She was married young too. My cousin's wife also hates her parents, she cries about it every day to my younger sister. That's her only friend here. I wouldn't want my wife to be depressed about being with me. Â
Arranged marriages do work. It is a common practice in many cultures - it has worked for many centuries too. You can learn to love someone gradually but whatever it is, it is a commitment and takes a lot of effort. Just will never be my cup of tea. Love at first sight? Only great for puppies, babies and stuff but not another person. Who knows? Maybe your parents picked a really great girl for you... do you trust their judgement and taste? : P
@SleepyHead - Sorry to hear.. That was my biggest fear to be honest. Try winning your parents over, work on it gradually hopefully they'll come around.. Wish you all the best!!
Oo, seems like a great anthropology study case.
Judging from the few comments I browsed, I think everything has already been said.
Love after marriage is (I think) possible, but you have to give it a chance. However, to get that chance you have to take along the risk of it failing as well.
I would probably be the same as you and refuse to go through with this arranged marriage. I would be willing to compromise though. I wouldn't mind getting to know her and seeing how things play out, but that's about it.
Love at first sight...? If you happen to "fall in love" at first sight and it turns out that that is actually "the one" I guess you can call it love at first sight. Most the time it doesn't happen that way.
I think arranged marriage is a stupid idea and very wrong for parents to impose on their children. YOU should be the one who decides who you spend the rest and of your life with and when you're ready to do that since YOU will be the stuck with that decision, for better or worse, for the rest of your life.
Anyway, at the age of 18, you're legally an adult in this country and supposedly emancipated from being overruled by your parents if your wishes and theirs don't happen to coincide.
Side thought here. You DID immigrate to the U.S. didn't you? Keeping some honor for your old culture, fond keepsakes of it, is one thing but please don't forget for a moment that you are living in a new culture and your success in it will be directly proportional to how much you are able to integrate into it. Those who fail to integrate are inevitably side-lined and regarded more as temporary guests or flat-out intruders rather than fellow Americans. That's just a fact of life, but one that can be very dangerous in times or war or economic stress.
I hate arranged marriage, although my family members have given me "guidelines" for choosing a mate, they still allow me to choose my own husband as long as he has the "required qualities".
@Ampbreia@xanga - Unfortunately though, I am 18 now, but I am still overruled by my parents in many cases. I hate it, but I can hardly speak out...