Tuesday, 16 September 2008
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I'm Not In Love with You - I'm Just Making Conversation!
A friend of mine is the type of girl who always has a few guys pursuing her. It's not a bad thing, nor is it her fault. She is a genuine, friendly, rather attractive girl who can make conversation with anyone and give them her totally undivided attention. This is an important quality that I wish would rub off on me.Unfortunately, some guys take this attention to mean, "heeeeeeeeeey, this girl likes me!" and they ask her out constantly, text and/or call her constantly and she feels annoyed and bothered and irritated. She is a sweet girl, however, and she feels obligated to hang out with them. This only lasts for a while and now she just ignores them.
I think their own insecurity is at fault - my friend swears she never gave any hint to these guys that she might like them and, judging from what I've seen, I believe her. What self-respecting guy could imagine that a girl is interested in him after a few friendly conversations?
What do you think? Was my friend leading these guys on or was she just fulfilling the obligations of friendship?
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Comments (72)
This exact thing happens to me constantly. It was especially bad in high school. I honestly wasn't trying to hit on anyone, but guys just took it as some sort of profound chemistry.
Sounds like you've been watching my life for the past several years. I could be the girl you described there. No I don't think just by being friendly and making conversation is leading a guy on. But if you agree to a "date" then yes it is. Now if it's just a "hey lets go hang out" and its no big deal, then I don't see a problem with it. But a real "date" yeh that's reserved for people you're seriously interested in. It's not the girl's fault if guys fall all over her just because of her personality. After a while it does even get annoying!!!! >
That sounds like me. Haha it gets so irritating...ugh but I have to be nice, you know?
I hate when that happens...
Just let 'em know that you don't dig them like that. Simple, really. ^^;
Your friend probably wasn't intentionally leading them on, but did on accident. I've never been in that kind of situation too often, only a couple of times [I think]. I'm usually on the other end of that =P But it is hard with heterosexuals to be friends when you are of the opposite sex. At some point you begin to wonder if you could start a relationship with that person. And when guys think that, I have a feeling most jump on it, thinking that since the girl wants to be their friend, she would also like to be their girlfriend.
And it could also be their insecurity, that's completely right. A few conversations isn't enough for someone to be like "Oh em gee, I effing love you!"
Sounds like these guys have wishful thinking and are reading too much into things. But in their defense, it's hard to interpret whether or not someone is interested in you. And so many people don't give you their undivided attention anymore that I could kind of see guys thinking she likes them. It's sad but I can understand how they might misinterpret that.
guys tend to have this idea that if a girl is nice to you, she must be interested. the only way that the guy wouldn't ask a girl out is if he's not attracted to her...then the conversation would be genuine.
I can see how it could be misinterpreted.
However, not to be the cynical one but I've seen those situations & I would think after a while, the girl would catch on. If there are constantly guys falling at her feet, then she might realize that it's something that she's doing. It stinks that she might need to back off & give guys a little less "attention" but that's probably what's necessary. I honestly think after a while, girls get it & start to do it intentionally because what girl doesn't like that feeling of being chased after?
If she's not doing it intentionally, then perhaps it's the types of conversations they have. It's hard to have friends of the opposite sex & certain topics are dangerous to talk about.. like crushes & significant others & such. & I find boys often misunderstand girls intentions a lot easily especially during these conversations.
basic psych: guys around 18-24 are the most loneliest species in the world. thus, with this given attention, they'll start to latch on thinking the girl is interested in them. no ther fault
Guys are dumb. I'm one and I admit it. Hahaha.
totally am that girl. I think the best is just to hang in there an not lose ur temper but make it clear u aren't interested in a delicate but firm way.
Sheesh, and I thought women read too much into things! Wow. And I think it happens to every girl at one point in time or another. It's just hard to know sometimes what is genuine flirting or what is just being nice. I think, if anything, it reflects on society... people aren't that nice anymore :(
Its an ego thing. Guys just read the wrong signals most of the time but don't blame them, they are just guys : P
@LadyMaleka@xanga - I was just about to say the same thing. It's kind of a sad reflection on society that just being a decent human being to some one is enough to make them feel like you're leading them on.
The problem isn't with the girl, its with the other girls. The ones that blow off every guy. Being a guy, I get blown off by a lot of girls so when I do get good chemistry going, it's not something to just say goodbye to. Yeah, chances are she's not interested but then what's there to lose? If she's cool then she'll be straight up with me and thats a friend made.
I don't think this has to do with insecurity. Possible...
But I personally think it deals with his motivation for talking to the girl in the FIRST place.
If a guy goes into the conversation, thinking "Hey I want to date this girl" and she responds positively; doesn't flat out turn him down, then of course hes going to think "it worked!"
Too few guys go up to a girl with the goal being "Hey, I want to TALK to this girl" or "Hey she looks interesting"
I don't want to generalize (sorry guys, cause I hate when I'm lumped into things too), but a lot of guys aren't talking just for the conversation...
~M
I don't like being rude. If someone's talking to me, i listen. Your friend's situation happens to me all the time. Mostly with guys I am definitely (not even in the least bit) attracted to. How can I be leading them on if I don't even ever want to see them again?
So no, your friend is definitely not leading anyone on by being nice.
I think it could be both ways, but you know her best so I guess she wasn't. I do think that she led them on by hanging out with them. It's not her obligation. She should just avoid them. And if they act like they're interested and she's not, then she needs to get things straight. It happens to me with girls who confuse being friendly with liking them. It might even be a little friendly act, and they either think I want something or they want to get to know me on a more than friends level. If I feel like I'm getting in hot water, I avoid them.
Keep on Swingin'
this has happened to me very often. i start by being friendly and just listening to a guy, and usually this takes place with a group of friends. i start to empathize and bring out things that i have in common with what they have said and then BAM, the next day at work/school everyone is like " so and so likes you" and i'm like "..........ok...........". i'm a really a friendly person and i like to listen to people. there's nothing wrong with making conversation and talking, if a guy takes it as more it's his fault not hers. maybe what your friend could do is seem less available, unless that is she likes the guy.
I FEEL HER PAIN.
She's innocent. Men are dumb.*
(*I mean that in a general, 14-year-old, angry feminist, mostly joking way --please don't flame me!)
@Lordv16@xanga - Sorry guys, but I agree with Lordv16. Most guys, when they "make conversation" aren't just after a conversation. I'm not saying all are like this, I'm sure there are decent, genuine guys out there also.
But yeah, when most guys see a woman that appeals to them and engages in conversation with her, he isn't just after "friendship", and the thought that crosses his mind is not "hey, she looks like she'd be a really good friend for me!"
This is is something I did a while ago and is my definition of leading someone on. Not intentionally, mostly out of confusion, and I realise how hurtful it can be. For example, I agreed to going on a date and then called it off - and I mean I did this several times. In my defense, I had a lot going on at the time, but I know I should have been more responsible and just said no until I had everything else sorted. But hey, we've been together now for a year and a half so ... !
But my point is, what I just described above and just TALKING to guys is a very different thing. She sounds like she's just trying to be nice/friendly, and that does not constitute to leading someone on.
Is it so wrong to be nice to a person? Just because she's trying to treat someone like a decent human being, she's getting smacked about for it? What the hell? Better than dissing him.
At least she's not like "I hate you, you suck"
And it's not about the self-respecting man-thing.
Some people are mostly delusional. Or Most People are Somewhat Delusional
I think both women and men can give off wrong signals. She has all the right to be friendly, but if she keeps getting irritated, then she should cut back on the friendliness..specially the obligation to hang out with them.
Like others said earlier, she needs to cut back the friendliness or just simply ignore them if they're trying to ask her out. She DOES NOT have to hang out with them.
i'm a really open guy who likes to just make conversations and talk so i always hope girls don't makes the mistake of thinking i'm hitting on them or want to date them.
depends on the scenario i suppose.
but ill admit, i've been that guy who accidentally misread a girl's cues and, ironically, im secure enough to admit that it might be insecurity.
also though, sometimes it's just inexperience with dating. the more i go out and meet people, the more i've gotten better at readin' a girl's body language and intentions. if you don't meet new people often, you don't have the experience in knowing what people mean when they say and do certain things.