Tuesday, 16 September 2008
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She Cheated; We're Invited to The Wedding...Do We Go?
This is a guest blog submitted by melodious_discord.My husband's mother cheated on her husband. After about a year of tension and lies, she finally left him for the other man. Shortly after this (about 4 months ago), they got divorced. It wasn't long before she was engaged to this other man.
The family has suffered because of this divorce, but nobody has been affected more than my husband's young teenage brother, who is still living with my husband's father-in-law. He's had to go to therapy for depression and has attempted suicide.
My mother-in-law isn't going to be happy for long either, we think. This guy she left her husband for is a jerk - he's been divorced once already and nobody likes him, nor did they even like him back when he was "just a friend of the family." He's just one of those creepy guys and everybody wonders what my mother-in-law sees in him.
A month ago, my father-in-law hinted that his ex-wife wasn't doing too well with this guy. She's starting to regret her decision to leave my father-in-law, but she's in a little too far to do much about it.
A week or two ago, randomly, my father-in-law got remarried! We still have yet to meet the woman, but apparently they met online and only hung out in person for a week before heading off to Vegas to tie the knot! Weird, right?
Apparently they both just knew immediately that they were soulmates, and they each have young teenage sons that got along fantastically, so maybe it's the best thing for them, allowing both my father-in-law and my husband's young brother to heal by starting a new family. We're hoping it's that, and not just a desperate attempt at revenge.
Today we received a wedding invitation for my mother-in-law's wedding. What's weird is that on the invitation, she used her married name (my husband's last name) instead of her maiden name, even though she's divorced.
What I'm wondering is whether or not we should go to the wedding. We love my husband's mom, despite what she has done to the family - I mean, she's still his mom. And when we got married back in January, she did a lot to help out with our wedding, yet we absolutely do not support this marriage. This is the asshole she tore up the family for, and we know he's not going to make her happy.
So what do we do? Do we attend the wedding because we love her and she's family? Or do we not attend to make a point that we don't support what she's doing?
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Comments (33)
You don't support what she's doing, but do you support her?
If it was me, I would go just to show her that I support HER. That way she knows she has someone to go to if things get sticky.
I think you should go to the wedding to show that you still love her. She probably didn't mean to hurt everyone as bad as she did, and she probably really wants you there. It could do irreparable damage to your relationship if you turn your back on her here.
I'd go to support her. She'll be more likely to run to you when he cheats on her later on.
My aunt kind of did something similar. Her first husband passed away and she started dating this guy about a year after he passed. Things progressed really quickly and after 6 months, they were engaged and the guy moved in with my aunt, her children, and his son. The family was upset because we thought things were moving too quickly and we didn't really care for the guy. After another 6 months, my aunt and the guy got married. We went to the wedding to support her but not to support the situation.
I think your MIL probably needs some support.
I think you attend the wedding to show that you love her and so she knows you'll be there for her to pick up the pieces if her new marriage goes down in flames. Not going to her wedding isn't going to stop her from marrying the guy and it's just going to cause more tension in a family that seems to have plenty of tension already.
I agree with everyone above. You love her & you support her, just not the action. Should the marriage fail, she'll know at least she has you two to fall back on for support. I think she'd appreciate it in the long run. Good luck to you & your husband though! It doesn't sound easy but it'll all be fine in the end. :)
Go to show appriciation for what she's done for you, and to show her that you still love, respect, and support her.
However, it kind of sounds like these adults are acting childish! Are they not thinking of the impact on their teenage son? When you have kids, you have to understand that your actions affect them so you can't just do whatever the heck you want! I mean, this poor kid is in therapy because he threatened suicide. Does that not send a big "HELLO" to his parents?
Definitely go. If you (both) have a feeling that this marriage isn't going to work out, then you could at least reassure her that she has someone to fall back on.
Either you love her or you don't. If you love her you will be there for her no matter what decisions she makes. That is what makes you family. You don't have to always like what decisions someone makes to love them unconditionally. Yes, she hurt your father in law and that makes you angry. I don't see how you could be hurt in any other way besides you are hurting because he was hurting because it doesn't really effect you and your husband any other way. Your father in law is happy and your mother in law is happy so go on with it and stop thinking you have to prove some sort of point.
I wouldn't go. Here's why... the whole reason you have friends and family at weddings is to have witnesses that endorse it. So by being there, you are endorsing that marriage and saying it's God's will. People dont really think that way anymore, though. It's more like a big party with a bunch of friends who are celebrating some couple and their warm fuzzy feelings for each other... and if you don't show up then you don't love them or want them to be happy. I think that by not being there, you are showing love but it is tough love. I would just tell her that I loved her but that I could not be there and rightfully agree that this was a match from God. OR, I might go but I would have to speak when the pastor or priest said, "speak now or forever hold your peace." That way, I would be there and support her as well as try to protect her from this guy and it wouldn't look like I was just giving her the silent treatment... but , who actually does that? NOBODY. I've never seen anyone do that - and it's too bad. It would save a lot of messed up lives, messed up kids, etc.. for real.
She is still your mother in law and deserves your love and support. Go to make her happy, you might even regret it if you don't go.
ultimately, it was her decision to leave her family behind and get with this guy, so you love her enough, then go, either way, they're going to get together whether you show up or not.
She's family....so you go. Its all well and good to speculate about her first marriage and why it went sour, but lordy knows what drove her to the point that she went to. You don't have to approve of her affair, or how things ended and I am willing to bet that she knows this. Its in the past and you can't hang on to old hurts, it does no one any good. Everyone has been through enough, a show of support to both sides is in order, that way everyone knows they have your love and that you won't be playing favourites with family members.
I would just go.
I think you should go. You can't control her behavior. Even if you think she's making a stupid decision, it's still her life. But she still needs your support as family. I think it's important that you be there for her. If you don't go, you'll be permanently breaking off ties with her.
If you love her then that's all that matters. Let her know that when that does falls apart, you'll be there for her.
She needs your support and you should go.
She's your mother in law, go to the wedding.
It doesn't mean that you agree with her decision.
She's still your husband's mother and she's helped you two and even though she caused a rough spot, she's obviously going through something deeper than this whole marriage ordeal...maybe she's going through an identity crises, or something like that..
All I know is that she's probably feeling like real crap in the few silent moments she has to herself realizing that she's already having problems with this man.
Go.
I wouldn't go. If it were my wife's fam, I don't think she could put up with it and I wouldn't put her through it. She might be loving and supportive of your marriage and a great person, but if you don't believe she should be getting married why even consider going? That kind of divorce is horrible and evil, it should not be rewarded by going to the wedding of the next marriage that is more than likely doomed to failure.
no. dont.
it shouldnt even be an issue.but it's ultimately up to you.i wouldnt.ever.Go and wish her well. It won't be easy, but you never kbnow what just showing up and being friendly could do for her jerk-of-a-fiance....
If you do not support the union then you are not supporting her more or less. I do not blame you at all for being unsure on whether or not to attend. Write a card politely sending your regards but tell her that you will be unable to attend. You don't have to give her any further of an explanation other than that.
Even though what your mother-in-law did was wrong, you should still attend the wedding to show that you support her.
She was there for you when you married and it should be fair that you support her. :\ Even if her new fiance is a big jerk... >_>
You should go to the wedding. I'm sure she knows that it will be uncomfortable and she must be aware that no one is very fond of her new guy, but she will appreciate you being there to support her and you'll regret it if you don't go.