This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.My significant other and I had been friends for a while until we
started dating earlier this year. We've been seeing each other
"unofficially" for about 4 months now. Everything's going great; the only big issue is that we'll have to do things long distance for the next nine months - he's studying abroad.
I am fine with him being gone because I fully support him - I don't
want to hold him back from doing whatever he needs to do with his life because we're still very young.
So, here's my little dilemma. I have very strong feelings for him.
I waited for the "right" moment to tell him, but that never occurred.
So, I ended up telling him how much I love him RIGHT before he left for
London. He told me that he felt the same, which is great....BUT we have
really only said the "L" word to each other like a time and a half.
I wonder why he hasn't really said it again afterwards. It's only
been a week since he left and I don't mean to be pushy or be a needy
girlfriend, if anything. I just feel like I have been the one who
brings it up but I'd like to hear it from him first once in awhile, if
you know what I mean.
Why didn't he say it to me first? Is it
because some guys really like to keep things to themselves?
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Comments (29)
i wish i had the answer to that question ....
I wouldn't try and push the matter. When he really and truly *loves* you, he'll tell you.
They usually assume that you "KNOW" they love you & see insecurity as dumb. I ask my bf to tell me & he replies "YOU Already Know THaT" Once they've said it, unless they say otherwise, they expect You to Assume their feelings Haven't Changed
And because guys are afraid of freakin' you out by sayin' "i Love You," 'Cause It means committment, & they are Afraid of Rejection
@newbeginningschick@xanga - Yeah you're right. I say "I love you" to my boyfriend and he goes "I know" but it's like he's also saying, "you know I love you too" and I say I love him frequently, and sometimes he'll say it back, but I know he always means it.
Sometimes, the other person is just not ready to say it. My boyfriend was saying "I Love You" for about 2 months before I would/could every say it back to him. Our relationship is now going on 3 years, and I love him dearly, I just wasn't ready at the time. Everyone has different "love languages" as they say.
Perhaps he just needs his time. Everyone realizes this at different moments & you two have only been dating for a short while so just be patient. I know it's hard & you want to hear it back but I guarantee you that it'll be worth it when he's ready to say it. I'm sure he has very strong feelings for you but just doesn't want to say it yet. Boys often want to be fairly certain before they utter the "l" word. I also totally agree with someone above on the whole once they utter the word, they don't say it much again 'cause they just assume you know. So just be patient, it'll happen. My boyfriend's exactly like that & we've been together for almost 2 years now. We've gotten to that stage where you can feel the love & it doesn't need to be verbalized anymore. [He has said it before though.] However, I'd like it if he still said it every once in a while instead of just assuming.
[For all the boys out there, take the hint & remember to say it to your significant others from time to time instead of just saying "You know how I feel, I don't need to say it." Your significant other will appreciate it.]
guys are not as expressive as girls when it comes to their feelings . . . .i would say wait it out until he's ready to say it . . . meanwhile, vent to your friends but don't put pressure on him . . . . . it may have a negative effect. best wishes.
Maybe he's a little distracted by the fact that he'll be studying abroad for the next 9 months. Intimidating and exciting all at the same time...it's a lot to handle. If he said it once, then he'll say it again. Don't stress out over it.
@shanella@xanga - Agreed! I wish I had the answer to that question, too!
@newbeginningschick@xanga - That is true. In a previous relationship he replied, "You know that I love you and I shouldn't to keep reassuring you."
It's still nice to hear them say it.
I was the first one to say I love you, and I said it when I was sure and ready. I was a little worried of him only saying it back out of pressure. But it turned out he had known he was in love with me for months prior. I dont know why he didnt just tell me. Fear of rejection? Not being sure? Not wanting to be first? Whatever. But dont push it. I was the first one saying it for a while, then I kind of chilled when I realized that I was always the first one. I felt like I was being pushy so I only said it on special occasions. Eventually he started telling me he loved me a lot more. I guess he just needed his time.
Guys are scared to say it first I think. They're afraid you won't say it back. Or they're afraid of the commitment the word implies.
Being a guy myself, I don't think I'd throw out "I Love You", but if he really loves you, you should talk to him about how you feel. Perhaps, he'll understand where you're coming from. Sometimes, some guys might not say it..there might be two or more different sides as to why they don't, but personally, it never hurts to say I love you to that person even if it's more than twice a day. You do have to understand that you said you've been going out "unofficially" I'm not sure what you meant, but if it is what I think you meant, that might be a reason why.
Keep on Swingin'
@awokenfatality@xanga - yea, it never hurts to say it even if it's more than twice a day. I don't believe in the whole reassuring thing. You should feel comfortable enough to say it.
You need to understand you've only been going out for a while, and you said it was "unofficial". That just spells mixed signals. Give him some time, but if it really bothers you, you could try having an honest talk with him.
I fell in love with a guy who went into the Navy two weeks later. It was painful, painful, painful.
Take a break. Give each other space and freedom.
It hurts, but it just has to happen.
I hate to say this, but if he wasn't ready to say that he loved you, or sure how he felt, he may have said it back just because he had to.
"No he didn't!" You might protest. "He can say whatever he wants around me!"
But what if he had said, "Thank you," or "That's nice" and then left? How would you have felt? It would have hurt, and I doubt that he wants to hurt you, so he would just go ahead and say it.
Of course, I am a complete stranger who doesn't know either of you, so I can't tell you that THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. I may be, and hope that I am, wrong. I just wanted to throw the idea out, just in case it might be true.
From my experience with guys, they either: 1. Feel embarrassed to say it, 2. Aren't feeling the same way, and 3. Expect you to know it without them saying it. 9 times out of 10 it's usually one of these reasons. The other times? He's just plain crazy!
I think it totally depends on the person. Some people take a long time to get to that place, and others get there quickly. And even once they get to that point, it takes even longer to be able to say it to the other person.
If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it, and just hold out until he's ready to say it to you and mean it 100%.
I think you should worry less about who says it first and just be glad he says it at all.
He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it.
Love is important. The act, the process, the words. Especially to a guy. There are probably only two people in the whole world to whom he's ever said the words to and one of them was you, the other was probably his mom. Soooo, the words are special to him, he probably wants to wait for you and him to be there in person again before he says it again.Â
i think ur guy needs time..and most of the instances its better not to rush things up..maybe he doesnt want to really tie you in a relationship because of the distance now..maybe the same reason why you started dating unofficially..because he knows he's leaving for the meantime..
give it time..and while he is studying you might as well focus on your studies too, or career if you are working..
believe in destiny..if you're meant for each other, you will end up with each other, no matter what..regardless of whats been said or unsaid..
also, put it this way..the less he says it..the more special the moment is to you.. =)
Yes I agree with others here, that you just need to give him time. If he is studying abroad... he is probably more than distracted at this time as well. Also he may need more time for the stronger feelings to develop. Just don't push him. If you feel you want to say it, just be prepared for not hearing it back - so you are not disappointed constantly. Then when you hear it, it will simply be a nice flattering surprise.