Monday, 15 September 2008
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When Women Break Girl Code
This is a guest blog submitted by beachblondie711.
What girl HASN'T heard of this code? It's an unwritten - but often spoken of - code of ethics that every girl is bound by. Some of the rules are really dumb...here's an example: Your best friend is not on speaking terms with someone she were once very close to. A huge blow out recently ended their friendship. You, being her best friend and only the acquaintance of the second party, are also somehow obliged to no longer speak to this second party as well. As if by default, YOU are also not on speaking terms with the jerk who did nothing to you. It's dumb, but we do it to protect the feelings of the people we care about.Some of the rules are really useful. For example, you and your friends go out to a party. They give you your space when a cute guy comes up to dance with you. When they spot a creeper coming up behind you or see you being trapped in a corner by a disgusting, piss-drunk guy who doesn't understand that his pick up lines are not working... they get you out of the situation ASAP. It can be something as simple as a hand gesture or something as blatant as grabbing your arm and yanking you onto the dance floor. Girl Code. And of course, if there are only two of you, you are NOT to ditch the other girl for a guy on your girls' night...unless she agrees that this guy is a mega catch, and insists that you do. Girl Code.
Other important code points to keep in mind...
- Even if you really like the new dress your friend bought at Macy's last week, you will NOT go buy the same one a few days later
- On a double date gone wrong, you accompany each other to the bathroom so you can plan your escape
- You never, under any circumstances, get involved
with someone your friend had previously dated/hooked up with/gotten
involved with in any way.
- If your friend calls you at four in the morning crying and heartbroken, you get your ass out of bed, put on your slippers, and go comfort her. And you hate the asshole that did it to her, of course.
Now here's where the girl code gets fuzzy for me. The line. Where do you draw the line between loyalty and just plain stupid? More importantly, WHO are you supposed to be loyal to? The code is meant to apply to all females, period. The whole point is that we women get screwed enough by the opposite gender. The last thing we need is to watch our back from other bitches too. So we make this code and secretly hope that everyone follows it, knowing damn well that they won't. But there are still people we expect to. Like our friends. But where does it end? Best friends? Party friends? Acquaintances? Girls you know of, but don't talk to?
I'm the last person to understand girl code. I think I've broken it a couple of times because I didn't understand its parameters. Example: I once hurt a girl who has always hated me. I didn't feel an obligation to her at the time, because she had never liked me, and probably never would have no matter what I did. I didn't see the wrong in it. After a few years had passed I started to get it. It doesn't matter if she didn't like me. It's still girl code. It's about compassion for the people like you. People who you have more in common with than you think. People who never want to be hurt, just like you.
Here's why I ask. I grew up with a girl. From the age of seven, we were attached at the hip. I lived at her house half the time, and she lived at mine the other half - we were practically sisters. We were the best of friends for a long time, and only started drifting apart halfway through high school. That's a solid ten years of inseparability.
Even after we drifted apart, when we ran into each other, we still had a place for one another in our hearts. I still felt I could say or do anything with her. I still kept in touch with her casually through my first year of college, and I am still greeted by bear hugs and kisses from her family. I was their unofficially adopted daughter...what do you expect?
I haven't seen or talked to her in about a year. People go their separate ways; it happens. I'm indifferent. But I still consider her one of the most important people in my life. The memories, the time, the experiences, the lessons learned...it is all so valuable. And I still feel like if she called me up tomorrow and asked me to do something for her, I would do it.
That being said, I just found out that she's dating my ex boyfriend - the guy I dated for two and a half years, while she and I were still good friends. (Note: This is just a rumor for now, but it stemmed from my ex's parents, so I feel there's some truth to it.) Now don't get me wrong. We've been broken up for a while, and I don't care if he sees other girls. I am happy with the most amazing guy I've ever met, who I've been with for close to three years now. And when I have heard of Ex's women in the past, it hasn't bothered me.
But I have to say, when I heard this, I was truly shocked. At first I just thought it was really odd, and it made me laugh. But when I got to thinking about it...I felt a little bit hurt that someone I felt so close to, despite our lack of contact recently, would consider it okay to date someone who once broke my heart.
That's what I need someone to tell me. Is she violating girl code? Or does it not apply to her because I have not spoken to her in over a year?
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Comments (105)
I hate girl code. Some lines are a little too thin if you ask me.
Basically, I wouldn't get upset if I were you. He broke your heart, she saw what he did, she's the idiot who decided to have a relationship with him after seeing that.
There's really nothing you can do or say, she'll think you're being bitter if you tell her he's scum, even after her seeing you with him and all the shit he put you through.
Just let her have him, you say you're happy now, so just let it go.
Who knows, it may come back to bite her in the ass..?
Girl code is annoying.
I do believe there is something in the girl code about never dating a friend's ex(maybe a condition of if they say it's okay), but if you two aren't really friends anymore, I'm not sure it's a volation, just kind of rude and stupid on her part.
Best to let it slide. She's running a risk of getting her heart broken like you did. And maybe she'll think twice next time if she does.
I think it applies to her, especially since you were with him when you were both friends..and although you aren't the best of friends, there is still mutual love and respect for the close relationship you once had as friends.I think its unfair to blatantly not allow your friends date your exes though.The reason behind this is that they may make the perfect couple and you are preventing their happiness.It also all depends on how and why you broke up.If you were incompatible interms of personality, goals etc I don't think there is anything wrong with your friend dating him.However, if he did not respect you and you broke up on really bed terms.I think the code should apply.
ps.the code is rather ambigous..so its important to go with your conscience. Just think of what you would not want that person to do to you.
To me.. if you have a new guy, why do you give a crap what the old one does? This was covered on "how I met your mother" when Ted's best friend Barney sleeps with his ex, Robin. They were still really close though, like not even a year apart.
But I still side on Barney's side, if you're not with that girl and you're in a relationship with someone else, then really, what does it matter? You're happy, they're happy, be happy they're happy.
I mean you can't ask everyone you know to never speak to these people in YOUR life because they had a falling out with YOU. They could be perfect for the other person, and you and your past emotions shouldn't have anything to do with it.
@haloed@xanga - do you think Bro Code differs from Girl Code? :) mds
She was definitely still bound by the girl code and I suppose you have a right to be a shocked and maybe even a little offended, but if that guy makes her happy and you're happy with your new guy, then it doesn't really matter in the end.
He may break her heart in the end anyway and then she will have wished that she had learned from your experience.
Either way, no matter what the turn-out is, it's not going to bother you at all, so don't worry about it! <3
@datingish - I do... I think guys have a much stronger bond than girls, in my experience, girls are very quick and apt to stab each other in the back, should they become competitors for some goal. They are fast to manipulate and disregard, whereas I find men are less dramatic, more easy going, and less... hm... evil.
Now I am a female but this comes from personal experience, I regard myself as more of a tomboy when it comes to relationships... I hate drama, I hate the petty b.s. and I definitely value the easy going nature of men.
I wouldn't get too worked up about it, but personally, this was the first I heard of Girl Code. I always had a sense of loyalty in not even seeing a friend's ex as a viable option, but I'd hardly say 'code.'
Fuck girl code. Fuck guy code too. Make your own code and follow your heart. Tis what I do, and I got the greatest girl ever because of it.
-The Owl strikes again
Interesting
@haloed@xanga - Guys don't have stronger bonds than girls. We stab each other in the back quite often.We just don't talk about it or dramatize it as much. I trust girls over guys any day. Then again, I'm a guy with lots of female friends. Probably because my school is 90% women. *shrug*
-Owl
i think you have a right to be upset. even if you've been broken up with someone for awhile your still gonna always have those feelings for them, even when you;ve moved on. its hard enough to see him with a new girl let alone someone you were close with awhile back. but sadly there is nothing you can do. shes a stipid girl anyway
I'd understand why you'd be upset...one of your closest friends getting together with a guy who used to be the closest person to you...
I would feel really uncomfortable too. But if it's true love for them, then I wouldn't stop talking to her or anything. Then again..I wouldn't be her best friend either...it just feels awkward...
I believe the whole concepts of Girl Code and Guy Code to be extremely stupid. They are based in paranoia, fear, distrust and jealousy. The part of code in question here is based on people not trusting those close to them and being afraid that they will try to steal your man while you are dating and a jealousy of other people being happy. If you can't be happy for your former friend and your ex then I can understand why she wouldn't have told you they were dating. There is no reason for them to tell you or even to deny their attraction to each other. Saying otherwise is a very selfish worldview that will only cause heartache in the future.
@haloed@xanga - It is very difficult to compare guy to guy friendships with girl to girl friendships. You do have a point about girls being more dramatic about things than guys, but that is because girls tend to want to share their pain and make others just as miserable as they are and guys just sort of tuck it away and forget about it or let it stew. As for the backstabbing, that is all a matter of how close the people are, truly close friends of both genders do not stab each other in the back, only pseudo friends and enemies do that to each other. Also, you have to take into account the methods, when guys stab someone in the back it is usually quick and very painful to the stabby but it is over and no one much hears about it unless you are really close to one of the parties involved, girls on the other hand stab incessantly and might never cease their stabbing until they are dead and both parties make sure everyone knows that the stabbing is happening. Guys also have an entirely different dynamic to their friendships than do girls. You really can't compare the two with any ease.
@King_of_The_Night@xanga - I used to have more 50-50 male/female friends. The females successfully manipulated, backstabbed, betrayed and humiliated me. They made years of my life miserable, until I (however ironic) met a guy who I became best friends with for years. Then, he got a girlfriend who forbid him to really talk to anyone but her, and was all-consuming, possessive, and dramatic.
Anytime he would hang out with friends, she would be calling him, wanting his attention, wanting him to ditch them (at his own house too!) to talk to her. Oh, they worked together every day, side by side.
Your experience might be because of the female population, but in my experience, unless they have something to gain from being your friend, girls will stab you as fast as they can in the back to promote themselves further. I have not even encountered a male who has done that.
@mrcolorful@xanga - I would say in my experience and my own friendships, girls are quicker to sell each other out instead of create bonds, whereas guys are frequently about brotherhood and that sort of relationship.
@King_of_The_Night@xanga - You make a good point. However, you need to realize that only very very rarely in cross-gender friendships are you truly just another one in the group. The girls who are friends of yours most likely are keeping some secrets from you. I have some very close female friends and I've noticed in my circles that the guys alter their conversation topics around the girls no matter how much like just another one of the guys they are and I've also noticed through eavesdropping and conversations that girls do the same thing.
I don't think you should be upset you have a new guy, and sometimes you just have to move on with life. If she decides that she wants to date your ex it's her choice but she might break her heart just like you had your's broken. I think girl code is pretty stupid. You either have a loyalty to your friends or you don't but a code is just very controlling.
i'd consider it violating girl code because if she knew that you two had been a couple, before starting anything with him, she should've at least called you and said something. even if she had no intention of heeding you if you had said "no, you're not allowed" she should've called out of courtesy. besides... it's been my experience that in her situation, any girl that calls and "asks" if it's okay has never been told "no".
if she didn't know, well... that's different. but you said she knew... so although it's kinda moot... and in the grand scheme of things not a big deal, she still should've called you first.
@haloed@xanga - That likely has to do with the tendency of girls to either be best friends or worst enemies with another girl. Women tend to not have the ability to just kind of be indifferent to people. Guys tend to have a much broader spectrum in their relationships. Guys also tend to be less open to providing knives for possible stabbings.
Girls are much more open about themselves and their lives, whereas many guys will never really open up to anyone else about anything.
@mrcolorful@xanga - How can a best friend become an enemy then? And since then I have not let many women close to me, definitely none can get as close to me as a guy can, friendship-wise.
there are only two codes i have, bros before hoes, and i don't sleep with my boys' sister/exs/cousin/mom/aunts...no matter how hot they might look.
the only except to the first code would be if i'm married, that's different because i will also have responsibilites as a husband.
I think she should've talked to you about it first.
This is a tough call. Your feelings are definitely understandable & I think you have every right to feel hurt. Your friend broke the code. However, if you're happy with someone new & that relationship ended for a reason, I guess you're going to have to learn to let it go. It's not going to be easy but if you know the relationship ended for the better & you're happier now, then there's nothing to be upset about. Who knows? Maybe your friend & your ex are perfect for each other. It's definitely weird & going to take some time adjusting to it but eventually, you will feel happy for them.. once you get past feeling hurt. It's really okay to feel hurt!
As for who girl code applies to, I think the line varies, probably going to have to depend on case-by-case basis. I would think it should apply to best friends though. [I definitely hear people on the whole giving you a heads up.. just out of courtesy. That's when I think it'd be ok to break the code.]
@haloed@xanga - I wasn't very clear on that and I'm sorry. My point was that girls treat everyone like either a bestfriend or an enemy. Thus you open yourself up to girls you really shouldn't be opening yourself up to, girls who you never were really invested in and who were never really invested in you. Girls tend err by going to the extremes in evaluations of their relationships while guys err toward the middle and indifference.
There are girls who are naturally take the approach that is generally applied to guys, I get the impression that you are one of those, and there are guys who take more of the female approach. I have been speaking in generalities here and there are exceptions to all of these. Most guys are actually more honest about their emotions and feelings than are women, the guys might not often express their feelings but when they do (speaking strictly in terms of friendships here) they almost never lie (many guys do lie when it comes to romantic relationships).