This is a guest post submitted by rokdrumrchik.So there's this guy that I've known for about eight years now. We'll
call him T. So...T and I have never "officially" been together or
dated or anything. We've spent some time together, but it never really
went past hanging out. When it came to the part where I thought it
could have gone further, he was engaged to be married. It seemed like
every time we got close, we'd both pull away and go a while without
talking. Then we'd talk again and it would all come back.
There
are definitely feelings for each other - there is no doubt about that.
He got married and we didn't talk. Now he's in Iraq and he'll be there
for another 13 months. He won't be home until October of 2009. That
seems like a REALLY long time. He was originally going to be home THIS
October, but his wife left him for another man and he decided to stay
another year.
Anyway, we started talking again and he's
apologized because he believes that he made a big mistake by not being
with me when he knew in his gut that's what he wanted. So when he
comes home, he doesn't know what he wants to do, he just knows that he
wants to be with me. Every time we've been together, we've never gone out
on a date. We hung out at his apartment and watched movies and messed
around. Last night, I told him what all that made me feel like. He
apologized again and promised that when he came home we were going to
do all that stuff. Go out with friends, watch the sunset, take goofy
pictures, all that.
So - I just don't know what to do. I
don't want to be in a relationship. I don't know why, either. I don't
know if it's because my heart's really with him and I just don't want
anything else or if it's because I'm too scared of getting hurt again.
I honestly don't know.
Do you guys have any advice? I'm not even in a relationship with T, but it's already complicated.
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Comments (36)
Nothing ventured nothing gained, if he is a good guy, who you have feelings for try to have a relationship with him. If you have a gut feeling that he'll hurt you you might want to look into that. Is he the type who would cheat on you?
Well, you gotta ask yourself the question of whether you don't want to be in a relationship with anyone else or him. If you truly do still like as you did a while ago, then chances are you have your heart set. If he really keeps his promise of coming back and being with you, it will all go for the better. You guys have probably grown and with time, eventually you will learn to let feelings take course without pulling away. Otherwise, it will probably be how it used to be.
I think you have a very nice opportunity here to build a relationship, if you really want one. Think about it...pretty much a year to discover if there's more to this than just physical attraction. To see if you can talk about things outside of just what you're going to do when he gets back. To see if both of you want this for the right reasons, not just because you're both safety nets for each other.
There's no rush, and having someone you care about over there is no small task (I almost always have someone in Iraq or Afghanistan). So take your time, let it flow and see what happens. There's no point in planning a future when you really need to rebuild your friendship and connection. No sense in worrying about things outside your realm of control.
Hope that makes a little sense.
I agree with daeshii. Just keep in mind that he's in a really vulnerable position over there and feeling pretty lonley/rejected. What he needs is a friend and someone whom can support him while he's there. Just take that for what that is, and no reason why you can't continue building on what you have, long distance, in the meantime. When he gets home, just realize it's a whole new ballgame. His perspective is going to change. Does that mean he will change his mind about you? Not even he can predict that, no matter how sure he may feel right now. But it could blossom into something very real and very wonderful. Right now you dont' feel like being in a relationship anyway, right? So, just keep up the correspondence - just be aware that it may or may not bloom once he's home for a while. Not an easy position to be in, I'm sure.
Wait until he comes back. A lot can happen between now and then. And who knows? Things can change. If when he comes back and both of you are single, start seeing each other again with the intention on having it become serious.
I think that you might not really want to be in a relationship because you are also vulnerable. You worried about what could happen and whether you would get hurt (again?) since there is a time gap between you guys and all. You could be close when you're together; but there are also other things going around the two worlds. It's better to make a good connection and understanding so that you can have something more to go on and be serious about each other, rather than having just the feelings that you two have when you guys are together.
you wouldnt know if you dont try. If you remain guarded, you will never fall in love. i say give it a shot, you owe that much to yourself.
Dating military men is ALWAYS complicated. I speak from experience. Honestly, this is going to sound harsh, but I wouldn't wait around for him. His wife just left him. He's in Iraq. He's probably kind of messed up right now. Army guys like this idea of having a girl waiting at home for him and it sounds like that's what he's trying to turn you into. He wants to know he has someone to come home to. Whether that means it would actually work between the two of you... I don't know. Maybe it's worth a shot but I would be very weary. Like I said, its always complicated with military men because they have very little control over their own lives. And I've been used as the girl who writes him letters and waits faithfully at home for him, just so he has that and not because he actually loved me. Don't let yourself fall into the same trap. Especially if you're not even sure how you feel about him or if you want a relationship right now.
@cubancutiepie@xanga - I'm not really in indecisionland because I'm not letting myself really go with anything until he gets home. I'm not the kind to sit around and wait for something to happen. I either move on or make it happen. I don't want to be in a relationship right now because there's a lot of stuff that I need to work on on my own. I've dated a military guy before - and got majorly screwed over. I guess we'll see what ahppens, though, right?
sounds like the two of you want to be together. life is short, i think go for it and put all the cards on the table.
@shadow720@xanga - I agree. :D
When he gets back, just go out with him and I know this might be bad to say but take it slow. Go out like you guys are going out for the first time, even though thats not true.
The reason why is because he is probably feeling really lost right now. I don't doubt he has feelings for you or you for him, but you have admit he has been through a bit. Failed marriage, being away from anything he has known as home for a couple years. He is probably feeling really lonely and homesick. And you are probably the only person left that has been consistent through the last decade pretty much.
Take it slow because as bad as it may sound he might just want to be with you because he is lonely. Guys do desperate things when they are lonely. Ok people in general do but guys especially. Like tell people they care about them so they have important people in their lives.
But you have to look out for your interests. And even though you have feelings for him you aren't sure. And also you technically have never been on a date with him. So go on a date. But treat it as a first day. Don't jump the gun and be clear with him about that. Tell him you would like to start dating and go from there. He might try to do a lot of "we are a couple" things but keep it comfortable.
Get to know him beyond that. You guys probably already know a little about each other since you two are friends but that just gives you a chance to dwell deeper.
Overall, treat it as if he just asked for your number and you guys are going out for the first time. Start a potential relationship right from the beginning with this date.
@dreamerboi23@xanga - That is actually something we have talked about and that's the plan. I just try to not get too caught up in the "What ifs" especially since (A) I haven't seen him in almost two years and (B) he won't be home for another year.
Thanks to everyone for their comments - I really appreciate all that you all have had to say.
One word. RUN.
I've heard the stories from my SO about how some of these deployed soldiers have their wives/gfs leave them when they are away. Right now, he's lost and probably emotionally broken due to what his ex did. If you have loved him all this time, don't give up on that but it'll be great if you can just shower him with all that you feel. He needs that now and that kind of support from you speaks volumes. I know all you feel is confusion right now. Just continue to extend your friendship and your love to him until he gets home for mid-tour leave or after his tour and you can pick it up from there. : )
I say, try it!
You gotta ask yourself whether or not you really like him. Most importantly, DO you want to be in a relationship? If he likes you, he'll wait for you like you did for him. That is, if you aren't sure about being in a relationship, but don't play around with your feelings. It will just be like the first time he left.
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my parents have told me that you have to be best friends with the man you love. you have to be able to talk to him about anything. it seems like you already have the with "T". so i say go for it. i was in the same situation as you. i had liked my boyfriend for four years before we started going out. and when it came down to him liking me, I waited a while because i didn't want to get hurt again. but i feel that my choice to date him was the best decision i ever made.
@hopelessromantic - Took the words right out of my mouth.
ganbayatteru! go for it! grab every opportunity that comes along your way.. you don't want to end like regretting or saying the words: "I should have.." hurting is a part. you must consider that life is like gambling. you lose then you win..but it's not that matters..what matters is, you gained a lesson ..plus, you tried your best! =p
define "messed around".
How can this man hurt you if he's so far away. Just be patient, take your time, and think about your decision. You have 13 months to make up your mind! It's not gonna hurt to date around, or come up with your decision.
Just work on your Relationship, At the Very Least, You'll Still Have a Friend. And if the relationship part is there when he's gone, but it fizzles when he get there, at least you have a relationship , friendship or something
Btw, I've noticed those friendships with all that desire to be in a relationship, leads to a ton of tension (emotional, sexual, etc) So In Some Ways, They Are Way More Fulfilling Than Something You Didn't Have to Wait For. Maybe It's Worth it.
You only live once.
Take this chance, this risk, this shot. Your heart may be broken, but you could fall in the deepest love you could ever dream about. To me, having loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all.