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Miss Double ShotA close friend of mine is going through a tough time - his girlfriend of a year and a half has found a new hobby and is completely obsessed with it . . . to the point where he feels neglected.
She's a new member of the cross-country team at school - their practices are long, demanding and not optional. He's used to seeing her all the time and now that she's at practice all the time, he feels left out. Even when they're together, all she talks about is running or how she needs to change her diet to run faster in races. Of course, he supports her in whatever she does - going to races, pricing PowerBars at the store and helping her ice her calves after runs, but this is tough for him.
He's also let her know that while he's so proud of her, he wants to be able to see her, too, and do things they used to do instead of having everything center on running.
I have no doubt that they'll be okay in the long run - they're both independent enough that time apart isn't an issue for either of them - but I wish I could tell him something that would make him feel better.
What can I tell him?
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Comments (18)
has he tried maybe getting into running himself?
Priorities. He can't force someone to make him a higher priority; he just needs to find out whether or not he can accept not being No. 1.
@john@xanga - i agree. i think he should pick up that hobby too. that way they both can go running together. & spend time with each other.
i agree that he could pick it up too, or they could have time during the weekend and they could make her feel better by like massaging her and stuff and then they'll feel better together :D
my boyfriend and i usually find time after practice, when i get out of practice during my sport in the spring i take the 6 o clock bus so i have to wait an hour and a half so i spend the hour and a half with him till i go home. i usually whine of the pain but he just doesn't mind being around me apparently.
tell him that's she's in the zone and that he wouldn't want to be the reason she failed at Xcountry competition for school.
if she's too busy right now and her life pretty much runs around her xcountry events, then she's too busy to have a boyfriend right now.
either he becomes more understanding or he's gotta go.
hmmm... cant even help anyone out with this situation cuz my version of this story would be that "He's so into Football that he has forgotten about me"
I know where ur friend is coming from...feeling neglected, unappriacted and uncared for. Your a good friend, If onli I did!
Cant say I have a solution for this cuz I am in the same awful situation. Just wrote a blog about this, so if anyone has some good insight plz read n leave a comment
Link:
http://www.xanga.com/You_Wanna_Soana/674140004/item.html
He should try running, OR he could find his own hobby to keep himself occupied a bit.
umm first of all i'd like to say that is very sweet of him. He's supportive of her, in many ways! perhaps she could make him feel appreciated a little more and he'd be better. umm i'd say, he has to believe in himself, and her.
=)
@moritheil@xanga - You put it best. Sometimes you're not always going to be number one in your SO's life. It doesn't mean they don't love you and want to put you first but that need time to accomplish things for themselves. She should be able to do what she wants and is passionate about. If he sees that this is the woman he wants to be with then he has to make that sacrifice now.
I think devilicious_jo1222@xanga and itiscomplicated are correct.
For one thing, there always need to be sacrifices for a desired goal.
Everyone else saying he should just join cross country with her... have you considered that his time schedule may not give time for him to even join? His schedule may not be filled up, but Miss Double Shot herself said that "their practices are long, demanding and not optional." If that's the case, how can he join? Especially if he has at least one priority that conflicts with the practice and meet times?
If he does join, he might have to cut back on his usual priorities such as school, work, etc...
And if he does that, he's risking his future to support himself as well as her! Less work => less money for school => lower level education => less good job opportunities => not able to support himself. That's assuming he's in school/college.
If he's a working man, cutting his work hours may not even be allowed by his boss. Even if he does so, he has bills to pay, and banks, no matter how great they are, are always after your money. If you can't pay back debts or pay bills, they'll eventually go for your assets (pretty much everything you own that equates to paying the debt/bill).
If he can work out his priorities and still join XCountry, then sure he's good to go.
He's currently left with generally two options: sacrifice his personal time or remove priorities to join her, or sacrifice some together time with her while showing her his love by supporting her.
Personally, I'd say tell him to let her know that he feels neglected, and to explain and be straightforward about it. Circular explanations will just confuse her. Time apart from each other does not bother him, so it is the relationship itself that matters to him.
An important aspect of making a relationship survive is talking it out. If there is something that slightly disturbs the relationship and no one confronts it, it'll continue to disturb it. Disturbed enough and it'll eventually break.
I'm a runner in this same situation, and watching my team mates suffer through it as well. Cross country season is short. It's only 2 months.
He needs to get over himself. Running is a demanding sport. To the point where it becomes a lifestyle. Your body is in constant change, your gaining muscle mass and your hormones change because of the stress and physical demands. You become centered on eating and winning.
But only for two months. In all honesty, if he feels left out, he's being childish. It sounds like she's including him in everything but the actual running itself. Which is an honor.
There will be a time it will come to a balance.
Well, my friend was similar when I was pledging. Haha, reading it from this perspective I can see why people thought he was my boyfriend.
I think this is hilarious. I feel bad for thinking it is, but I can't help it. I'm doing XC right now too and have done it in past years, so I can relate. @hope2dy@xanga - You are SO right. I applaud you.
@j_a_z_m_i_n_e@xanga - No, it's completely okay to think it's hilarious. I run with a girl who's boyfriend doesn't come to meets or try to make time with her, but whines about how he never sees her. I always think "What else do you have to do on a Saturday morning then come see your girlfriend win?"
I used to be on cross country, and most of the girls on the team had boyfriends. It is very time-consuming, but I guess tell him that at least the season'll be over in about a month, and she'll have a great body to show for it ;) And it can't hurt to be honest with her about how he's feeling.
"They'll be okay in the long run" - pun intended? Haha..
"I have no doubt that they'll be okay in the long run" No pun intended?
Anyways, just tell him that this is just one of many compromises that couples have to go through to work, everyone has to give a little and in this case his is sharing his girlfriend with a hobby she deeply loves. It could be worse, there are plenty of other things that could have dropped their time together down to zero...
My boyfriend is a runner for school so I can relate. It's important for your friend to tell his gf that they should have some time not related to running, where it's just about the two of them and having fun. He should also stay busy so it's not so obvious how busy she is in comparison to her, then they'll both have other interests to talk about.
I think he should be honest with her about his feelings, but also to assure her that he supports her running.
Maybe if she tones down her running talk while she's with him, he'll feel better about the situation.