Thursday, 11 September 2008
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Relationship Compatibility: We Only Talk When She Calls
This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead.
I'm stuck in a situation and don't really know what it means. Like I've mentioned in a previous post I've been talking to someone for some time now. It's been going pretty good except I never call her...she does all the calling.Last night I told her I would call her when I got home from celebrating a friend's birthday. By the time I got home, it was already 2 a.m. To make sure I didn't wake her up, I sent her a text asking if she was still awake, but I didn't get a response. This morning she texted me back asking why I don't ever call her and saying that I should have still called last night.
In my previous relationships, I've always been the one to make the extra effort - calling, email, meeting at odd times, and that usually didn't last. I guess I'm trying to see if the opposite works. I like this girl a lot and when she does call, I enjoy the conversations. The few times we talked on the phone we went on for hours, but something is preventing me from calling her.
Do you think there is an underlying problem? Have you ever been in this situation before, and if you have, what did you do?
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Comments (57)
It's hard to say. I used to have a problem with never being the one to call, largely because I always felt like there was something else I should be doing (specifically homework), and then by the time I finished, it would usually be Absurd O'Clock in the morning and it ended up being a toss-up between calling or taking an hour-break before knocking out for the...morning. It didn't help that the conversations I had consisted of long, awkward pauses and 'so how was your day?'...for oh, 30 minutes.
On the other hand, with my recent SO, I've had no problems whatsoever being the one to call, even at random times; maybe it's just a comfort thing.
In your case, since you're having good conversations, I don't think it's an underlying problem; it might be that you just feel weird calling (fear of intruding on something, perhaps?) or aren't overly fond of the phone - at least, those are some of the reasons I used to have for not calling often. Maybe if you set up some standard time when you know she's free and awake for phone conversations?
...Yeah, this isn't very helpful because my experience is limited (and probably different).
what you should have done was to call her BEFORE the party was over at a decent time just in case she waited, which she did, and that's why she's a little pissy. she probably waited and then instead of a call she got a useless text saying "sorry i just got home, i'll call you later" or something like that. you should know the situation you're in since you put yourself there. treat her like she means something to you.
@wewong@xanga - Agreed. Even a heads-up that the party might run late probably would've made her happier.
@wewong@xanga - Yes I agree also. Girls are very sensitive to this kind of thing, you definitely should have given her a text/call to say that the party would end late.
I always feel uncomfortable calling people spontaneously because I think I might be interrupting them, but if it is something important than I push the discomfort aside.
In terms of calling for a general talk, on the days that we don't see each other my boyfriend and I take it in turns. Like one day it'll be his turn to call, and the next day that we don't see each other it will be my turn.
its natural for you to naturally Not be as aggressive. Be who you are but if that is going to push her away and risk losing her.....put in the extra effort. Everything in life is earned, especially winning someone over.
I think my guy is not calling as much as Im used to....or like before. Im starting to get fed up. I might just give up on him REAL soon.
Communication is key!
Btw...next time call her anyways since she gave you the green light in doing so. If youre still weary....call and let it ring twice and hang up in case she's in a deep sleep. If she's awake..she'l return your call
I agree with Bubbles. If that was me. I'd get fed up and give up too.
For me its because I will start to feel the only reason you talk to me when I call is because you're being nice to me. I would think you did not actually WANT to talk to me otherwise you'd call me too.
Hope that helps :)
@wewong@xanga - Agreed on that one too. I've been chewed out too many times for that one. Helps if you let them know you're thinking about them.
Hey, at least you're not so clingy that you're the one calling her all the time. Maybe that's subconsciously what you're trying to avoid.
LOL (girls) Dont hate me or take offense to this, but we're "catty" about these things. Like everyone else above, yes, she got pissy because you didn't call. EVEN if it was late, and you called, lets assume that she doesn't answer because she's asleep, I THINK she'd like to know that you kept your word... like she'd be all googoogaga that she got a missed call at ___am from (insert your name here).
But I know what you mean, I USED to be the one that did all the calling, driving, making time for the other person, etc. Now, I let it be. I was always told that a relationship is a 2 way street, both parties must give and take. It'll never be equal but you can't keep taking and never give back. Next time, when you say something, you MUST deliver. WE (as women) tend to hold grudges when a "promise" is broken or something is not delivered when you offer to..... ESPECIALLY if she likes you. ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE! hahaha. GOOD LUCK!
I am in a similar situation as you, though I'm in the girl's position who always call the guy.
I like this guy for quite awhile and I can't say we're in a relationship but I would always call him when I need to talk. Mostly just to keep in touch since he attended the same school I went but I transferred to a different school which is 400 miles away. Sometimes I feel as I'm trying too hard to sustain the "relationship" and it's a bit too tiring ...having to call him all the time. I would wonder to myself, "Why isn't he calling me? Am I doing too much?"
When I do call, it's only a few times a month and every so often, our conversations lasts for about 45 mins - an hour. Updating and catching with stuff. And most importantly, I want to know how he is doing and so forth, not necessarily worrying about him and wanting to know what he is doing every minute. There's a difference in that area.
Sure distance sets us apart, but hey, giving her a call once in awhile isn't too much. It shows that you think of a her once in awhile and would like to know how she is doing instead of waiting for her to call you. Don't worry about bothering her or interrupting, in this case. It's always a delight to get a call from someone who we would want to hear from.
Put yourself in her shoes, would you want to always call a person and not having the person call you? And what you mentioned about your previous relationships...it's different for every girl.
Good luck =)
depends on the girl.. i want/prefer the guy to call me and will wait even if the guy is a really good catch and/or really good looking.. some girls are more aggressive and don't mind chasing after the guy..
there's this cute/smart/nice guy that i met who's been calling & texting me trying to get a date with me but i haven't even gone on a date with him yet.. i don't think it's because i'm trying to play hard or that i want him to chase after me more.. i think what i'm trying to say is, if you really like her, you should just call her..
What you're saying sounds like an excuse to me. Actions speak louder than words and what your actions are saying is that you aren't all that into her.
haha. Reading this & the responses from the girls definitely made me realize that's exactly how I am. I'd love it if my boyfriend took the courtesy of texting me to let me know if he's going to end up out later than expected & can't call. I'd also like it when he calls me after those texts & after he gets home, despite whatever ridiculous hour it is. I guess I just like to hear his voice & know he got home fine.
& yea, the girls all have a point.. if you like this girl, you should definitely make the effort to call her, even if it's to say hi. Don't worry about interrupting her 'cause if she likes you as much as it looks like she does, she won't mind. She'll probably have a smile the entire day just because you called. [I get like that with my boyfriend. :P] If you don't make the effort, she'll give up on you & there goes your window!
As for why you're not calling.. perhaps you're not a phone person? I know most guys aren't, my boyfriend is one of those. However, he'll call me occasionally & we'd talk for a few minutes & then do our own thing. It took me a while to get to this point & I think it helped me to be a bit understanding of how he felt about phones with his being open about his take of phone calls.
With the guy I'm currently with, I've been having that issue..I would put all the effort into calling, and although he answered, he didn't take the initiative and call me.
In response, I kind of backed off a little bit. I wouldn't call him shortly after work, I would wait until after dinner. Then I'd skip a day. He didn't "freak out" or anything, but he started calling first.
Make sure she knows that you enjoy talking with her though. Make sure that she knows that you appreciate her and your relationship if you're not going to call her. You like talking to her, but you also want to continue this. By now showing any affection or appreciation (by calling her), you need to continue to have her do the same.
Making no effort on your part (like calling her) is counterproductive to your cause, despite your past relationship problems and the extra effort you gave then. You're doing the same thing now, only the opposite. I do understand that you were being mindful of that fact that you got home at 2am and didn't want to wake her up. Things like that are okay, but when it's normal stuff... That's another story.
it just seems like you're keeping score. just call her if you want to talk to her. and don't say that you will if you're not going to.
:)
I think it's good that you didn't wake her up by calling her at 2am. She should be thanking you for that. =P But.. eh. You should go out on a limb and call her sometimes, preferably sometime you know she's awake, lol. That's not to say that you have to do the MAJORITY of the calling or anything else, especially if she does like to call you. But if she feels like you should call her more often, you might as well.
This girl may be completely different, but for me I hate being the one who makes all the calls. Don't give her reason to wonder if you really like her! Make sure she knows she's special to you and worth a little effort to call.
I agree with some advice above though, if your afraid of interrupting something, say sleep, just let it ring once or twice, and let her call back. That way your still the one who made the call.
This is a normal problem for two people who just "started" being boyfriend/girlfriend. You just have to adjust yourself to her needs, and if you feel uncomfortable after that, then you two need to talk. But adjusting yourself to her needs wouldn't be that bad seeing how she only cares for you, that's all.
Why don't you call her now? As you are reading this comment, if you are. Got to call or else it shows you aren't interested.
@MizconstruedJa@xanga -
of all the comments made here, this is the best one.
Call when you feel like it, when you want to hear her voice or have something to say. Don't do it as a chore, otherwise everything else just becomes a chore.
there's a difference between her doing most of the work and all of it. Right now you're making her do all of the work. that's not fair and no wonder she's angry. Does it occur to you that you're placing all the work on a girl who didn't take advantage of you...she's not the other girls who made you do everything so why are you projecting your problems from others on her. She'll lose interest in you for being unfair and she'll think you don't care. And honestly...if you can openly admit that you don't do much if any of the work...can you really say you like her? I don't think it's her that has the problem I think it's you. I'm not trying to sound bitchy, but a.) if you send a text to a girl late at night she might also think you just want to get in her pants, especially if that's the only time you contact her. sorry if i come across as mean i'm just trying to help you with constructive criticism. good luck!
I think I'm in a similar situation, but I do let her know that I tried calling or texting. She understands. It seems like you no longer think that making the extra effort is efficient, and you don't wanna keep doing it. I think you should cut back a little, but you should try a bit of extra effort at the same time. Mix both things and perhaps you won't come off as uncaring or too strong.
Yea don't call her as if it's a chore. Do it because you want to and you just feel like saying something. It seems to me that she's starting to think that maybe she's the only one putting enough effort.
@wewong@xanga - I agree. No one ever feels good falling asleep with their phone on the pillow not to have that call.
If you're interested in her show it. A guy that doesn't call or what not just sends the message of "I'm just not that into you." You can't let the failure of past relationships affect you so much. Yeah, they help you learn what not to do or how to do things better, but not turn into a cold person because you may end up on missing out on someone great.
relationships are all about giving&receiving. if she calls you a little, you call her a little. =] don't let another one slip away, according to your other post.