Dr. DatingishI've been dating the same guy for almost a year now. Everything was
going great until this summer came along - that's when things really
started to change. I don't know if it was because of the lax mood of
the season, but I felt the need to take some space and breathe some
fresh air in my relationship as well. The problem was, my boyfriend
thinks that people who take breaks are inevitably going to
break up.
I keep telling him that taking a break will be a good thing
for us because after all, if we were meant to be together, we would
always find each other in our lives at one time or another. He still doesn't believe me - he
thinks that I want to go on a break because I want to see/date/sleep
with other guys.
The other part of this problem is that there's another guy
involved.
Coincidentally, we met over the summer too but he had to leave
at the beginning of August because he's in the Air Force. :( We do still keep contact without my boyfriend knowing and talk to
each other at least once a week. Most of the time I don't have any
romantic feelings for him, but I can't help but wonder what would happen if he came
back into my life, and wanted to be in a relationship with me. What would
I do?
I love my boyfriend a lot, but being young, it's hard to not
think about all the other guys out there that I haven't met yet. I want to live my life to the fullest! I know I can't have my
cake and eat it too but here's a situation where I think it's almost
possible!
Help!
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Comments (69)
I think if you really need the break you need to take it. Tell him it's what you need, and if he cares for you he will give it to you.
My boyfriend and I took a break once. He was the one who asked for it, and there was another girl he was interested in. We got back together in less than two weeks, and now we're engaged. We've been together a total of 4 and a half years.
A break isn't always bad, or the end.
If you need a break, take a break. If he loves you, he'll understand. As for the Air Force hunk, you're still young. I'm not saying to go off and have sex with him, but if there's chemistry, a relationship might ensue. Since you're still young, you have the rest of your life to figure out whats what, and if you truely love your boyfriend, it will work out in the end to where you two will be together. If not, there's plenty more men out there, and you just have to find one.
I don't think you should be talking to this guy behind your boyfriend's back. That's practically a form of cheating. Just my view. But I'd feel a bit guilty in that situation.
And if you need the break, take it. There's no point in staying in the relationship if you're not comfortable. You can always get back together later on.
This is a cop-out. She may say that she needs "space" and "breathing room", but really, its an excuse to see this airman and not feel as guilty about it. If she really loved and cared for her boyfriend as she says she does, she'd have told this airman that they could be friends, but no more, unless things changed. I've been told that, and I understood, remaining friends with the girls who told me that, when I expressed interest in them.
She'll break up with him sooner than she believes, because, really? She wants to do what she wants to do while she's haivng her "breating break".
The boyfriend has a right and cause to be worried....
I think you should be honest with your boyfriend. He's got his worries & it's not without reason. I hope you explained how you felt before asking for the break. I also think you should tell him about the other guy you met 'cause you talking to this guy behind your boyfriend's back shows that you have something to hide. When you have something to hide, then perhaps you have feelings for the other guy. Besides, you said that if you & your boyfriend are meant to be together, then you two would always find each other again & end up together. So I'd advise you to tell your boyfriend everything... I think he deserves that much.
if you want to be "free" why don't you just break up so that your boyfriend can be free too? He obviously needs more certainty from his girlfriend and you're not yet sure what you want.
I also think you should be honest with the bf, let him know you are unsure about things, you are young, you don't feel ready to be in any serious relationship. He might get hurt but he'll know what to expect and he may even choose to stick around. He may not but at least you are not leading him on, making him think his doubts are unfounded.
@eternal_dreaming@xanga - I completely agree.
If you do love your boyfriend, you would tell him everything. Whether he still loves you afterwards or not, you still have to tell him.
... I agree with anyone above me who says that it isn't right to be hiding your relationship with the other guy from your boyfriend. It's dishonest and your boyfriend deserves better than to have you lying to him (I maintain that this is as bad as lying).
It doesn't sound like it's merely a break you want, but instead the freedom to do what you want with other guys. And, if that's the case, then it doesn't sound to me as if you're ready to be in a serious relationship. (And no, I don't think that depends on whether or not you're "young" at all.)
Personally, I'd say take your break. And you're right. You ARE too young to be tied down. If I could turn back time, I wouldn't get involved in a "serious" relationship, I would just date and like the boys say, "play the field". I'm not saying be a hoe about it and tramp around, but you have to know what is being offered before you can decide on what's best for you.
lol I'm just starting to catch up with all the ones I've missed out on.....
sounds like you're rationalizing to yourself.
muzical_writer is right: if Mr. Now doesn't know about Mr. AirForce, then he's dead on - you're leaving him to see what else is out there.
if you're too antsy to stick to one guy, make your "breather" legit - a clean, full break. anything else would be unfair to Mr. Now. even if he acts willing, don't expect him to wait around as your fallback while you're out experimenting.
that's where muzical_writer is wrong - you can't always get back together later on. as for Mr. AirForce, only pursue him knowing that playful experiments and matters of the heart are usually a hurtful combo.
This all breaks down to one simple question - Do you want to see/date/sleep with other guys?
If you're hiding the Air Force guy from your boyfriend and you've been having "what if" moments, take a break from him.
This isn't so much of a matter of being young as it is a matter of immaturity. I don't mean that in an offensive way, just letting you know that you're too immature to have a serious relationship with your boyfriend that you "love a lot" since a) you don't want to be tied down or at least you aren't ready to be tied down, b) you have been actively pursuing another man, and c) you want to live your life to the fullest, something that you don't feel includes your current boyfriend.
My best advice? Either go on a break or break-up with your boyfriend. At the very least, tell your boyfriend the truth and explain to him what's been on your mind. It may be a little awkward, but communication is key in relationships, whether they're serious or not, long term or short term.
@JandJinJapan@xanga - I agree.
Well your boyfriend is right not to trust your 'taking a break' intention...from what I read, you DO want to take a break because you think there are better fish out there for you. Just have enough respect for him to call it breaking up instead of 'taking a break'...or suck it up and stop emailing warrior boy.
No one's ever too young to be tied down, it's all about finding the right person. Obviously, you haven't.
If you are thinking that way, that there are "plenty of other guys out there" etc., then you do not love your boyfriend. And I'm afraid I agree with his view, going on breaks does mean that might as well break up all together, because if you loved someone, why would you want to be away from them for such a long period of time unless it was inevitable? Obviously, everyone needs their own headspace and things, but a break is something totally different.
My only words of advice to you are break up with him. It's not fair, I know you don't mean to be but by staying with him, thinking of other guys and specifically this Navy guy, you're playing with his feelings.
You obviously don't want to be in this relationship, it's simple as that really.
by the time you finish the break, he'll be with someone else.
Wait, let me get this straight - you want to take a break, but not because you want to play the field and date other people. The problem is, there's another guy you might be interested in and want to date.
Someone's not being honest with herself, and I think it's you. The boyfriend deserves honesty. Also, you need to figure out why you actually want a break. If it's to see other people, break up with him (or negotiate an open relationship). If not, this other guy shouldn't be getting that much of your attention (not saying stop talking to him, just saying he shouldn't be a secret project on the side).
You said "it's hard to not think about all the other guys out there that I haven't met yet". Perhaps, you're fooling yourself into thinking that the break won't mean dating other people, but the fact is that you already said just that with that sentence. You need to let your boyfriend know what you really mean. Don't try to placate things by telling him otherwise 'cause it seems like you do want to explore with other people anyway.
If you're already talking to some other guys behind your boyfriend's back, then something isn't right. In my own experience, breaks have never been a good thing. Whether we realize it or not, breaks aren't just this small thing or a "breather". Breaks should not be taken lightly. They can make or break a relationship. It's like a big gamble and you got to be prepared for it to go either way.
It sounds like you're taking your boyfriend for granted. And someone said above that it also sounds like you're not being honest with yourself. I totally agree. Whatever you do, I think you'll figure it out. And if you're mixed up about what to do, just keep in mind that other hearts are involved. Don't lead your boyfriend on to think that this break will end in you two getting back together. You sound so unsure in your reasoning that the break sounds like it'll be a permanent thing.
just tell him the truth about how you feel (too young to be tied down). if this is the way you feel, not going on a break is not going to keep your relationship together. it's just ostrich syndrome to think that. a breather helps both people figure out what they want and where they want to be. it sucks if you're the one who knows and the other one needs to explore, but such is life. we are not always on the same page.
if the result is a break up, then you break up. it's not the end of the world.
but i really have no idea what the difference is between a break and a break up. in my book, they've always been the same. maybe that's just me.
Yeah, I agree with these people. Go ahead and take the break. Either your relationship will be stronger in the end, or it really wasn't meant to be. And be honest with him, even about the air force guy. If he doesn't want a break with you after that, he's way too clingy.
get the f%&$! over yourself. move along 'cause it seems like you want to spread your legs...if you don't, you'll be bitter.
Admit it, you do want to see/date/sleep with other guys, even if you don't realise it just yet. Let your boyfriend go. Like you say, if you two are meant to be together, you'll end up together.
Take a break and let life happen.
Don't let yourself be persuaded into  buying into stereotypes of "break" ups, but don't ignore them either.
If this guy loves you, he'll let you go knowing that you'll come back... or at least be happy for you even if you don't.
being in a one year relationship isn't all that much, if you still wonder about other guys, then break up with your bf and play the field, no problem. but don't cheat behind his back like that, even tho you're only thinking about it, it will eventually lead to something else. maybe your bf knows something's going on and that's why he's acting the way he is.