Wednesday, 10 September 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Why Can't We Just Make It Happen?
Dr. DatingishI've been seeing a guy for a while now - we get along well and always have fun when we spend time together - but we haven't kissed yet. It's a little bit weird because every time we go out, I'm sure it'll be the night we finally do kiss . . . but it never actually happens.
I don't like making the first move when it comes to relationships, and I don't like the advice I've read in magazines, either ("ask your guy, 'do you want to kiss me?' and lean in" - are you serious? that's not me at all). I feel like he and I chicken out before it's supposed to happen - we're both kind of shy - but that we both want it to happen. There have definitely been moments when we could've kissed, but . . . nope.
Aside from slathering on Chapstick in his sight, what can I do?
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Comments (34)
One of you will eventually have to initiate it. Maybe not aim for the lips first, but maybe start off with a kiss on the cheek. See how he reacts to it and move on from there. Slowly, you guys will probably be comfortable to the point where you will eventually kiss everyday.
Show more skin.
the next time you go out, at the end of the night when you say goodbye, wrap your arms around his neck (but don't choke him) as if you're giving him a hug goodbye, then just a slight peck on his cheek, and see his reactions. if he doesn't act all weird, then you're on your way. good luck.
Don't be the one to initiate it. But if you really want him to kiss you, lean in close when you're having a "this-could-be-our-first-kiss" moment and look into his eyes just a little bit longer than normal. Touch his hand or arm when you do this, too. That should encourage him; show him that you want a kiss without saying anything or initiating the kiss. (It's a start, anyway.)
You sound like my wife. When I did kiss her I got the message loud and clear. I don't have any advise. But I can tell you this. I have been married to that little girl 27 years and I still smile when I remember that kiss.
Some men are of the "just friends" category only even if you're dating, love each other a lot, and eventually get married. Trust me on this. I'm married to my best friend and STILL in shock that it never went further than "just friends" with him... not even on the wedding night. *SIGH*
you guys aren't meant to be together if neither of you can overcome your shyness. I had one friend confess to me later on that she was interested in me. Like why tell me now when it's "too late" (and doesn't even matter anymore since she's not even interested in me at that point) when there could've been a chance had I found out earlier?
There's nothing wrong with hinting. They say guys have to initiate, but we usually react better to certain cues, i.e. the leaning in, opening up yourself, etc. If the shyness is too overpowering for both of you, better find another guy who's not that shy if you're not willing to do any work.
Just go for it, honestly, he can say he doesn't feel this way about you and you get your REAL answer, or he does and you've taken the step forward for the both of you.
Either way nothing bad can come out of it, only truth. Yes, rejection sucks, but better to have that than to be led on.
It's a hard moment, especially if you're both uncertain (even if you both want it). My advice is to just go with baby steps - find a baby and have it kiss him, then kiss the baby. Assuming that works out (you'll have to be one hell of a baby trainer), you'll want to move up to pecking his cheek and generally providing very blatant hints that you want to be kissed.
Do, however, avoid the puckering part; that's just awkward.
Try getting piss drunk together. it always works for me. :P
lol to the above comment
Yes! Do not make the first move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dont dont dont!
Bite your lips. Be even more flirty. Touch/put your hand on his chest when yall are standing close and talking. Play touch him...like when he makes a joke.. gently push him on the shoulder. Physical actionnnnnnn
hug him but don't pull away, keep your faces close :)
I am in the same boat.
ahh.. when the moment seems to be approaching... just DO IT! if both parties seem to want it, there is definitely no foul play there :)
Make like the movie Hitch - lean in 90% of the way and let him meet you with just 10%... that way he'll still be the one kissing you but it helps him if he's shy...
I'm pretty sure most of the people saying don't do it are girls... I'd like to hear if a guy wants a girl to initiate it.
In either case, baby steps advice is best. You wouldn't try to go skydiving if you've never even been on a plane before, so you shouldn't try to kiss him if you haven't been physically close to him in other ways first. Lots of hugs, arms around each other, your head on his chest, holding or touching hands, pecks on the cheek are good places to start. If you are hugging him and give him a slow kiss on the cheek, that gives him a great opportunity to go the rest of the way if he's shy. Good luck!
I know how to solve this problem with a quick stop to the store!
Serve him wine. Don't get him fall down drunk but give him a glass or two and flirt if you can. Maybe you need a little wine too to become more flirty-haha Don't forget to wear a knock out dress but not too knock out or he'll feel intimidated.. Ok a pretty hot but casual dress. I hope you took notes-kidding but it does work:):)
Maybe he's trying to respect you by not kissing you for a while.
Or maybe he hasn't ever kissed anyone and doesn't really know how to make a move.
Have you discussed your relationship with each other? Have you both discussed that you like each other and are dating? If not, that may be another reason that the kiss is taking so long.
@wewong@xanga - ditto. if you're wanting it, you're going to have to do SOMETHING, particularly if he's shy as well.
Invade his personal space a lot. Touch him on the arm sometimes when you talk to him. Lean in and look him in the eyes. Certainly working SOMETHING physical into the relationship will at least get the ball rolling.
As a guy, one great way to just build a little sexual tension is the occasional unexplained kiss on the cheek before parting. It's harmless - sometimes guys even kiss each other on the cheek, so it's also kind of safe and non-committal. Which, if you're shy, makes it a great place to start.
hey i had a great time tonight. still nothing? !@#$% is the guy dense?
@you_wouldnt_understand_me@xanga - Seriously?
Yeah, I can't believe I found your comment either.
Give me a break, its the 21st century already. I don't get it. I am a big pro-women rights. You want the right to vote, want equal pay, and want fair treatment, except when it comes to who initiates a kiss. Wth. Just do it. Who cares who initiates it. Kissing is an expression of feeling, you don't rationalize feelings you just do it.
If you want you can make it clever or funny, like "I think I am using too much chapstick, here you tell me" then just grab him and kiss him. Or "I have a bet with a friend, do you mind helping me settle it" He says yes, you grab and kiss him, then reply "hmm looks like I won" or you can say "hmm not sure need more data to find out" and keep kissing. Then when he asks what the bet was you tell him "to see if he was a good kisser or not".
like this picture
If I really like a girl and she did that I would love it. But then again if I really liked a girl I probably would have the balls to have kissed her long time ago. But yah put some humor and playfulness into it and it will be ok.
@lilxsweetie530@xanga - sry but that's really horrible
I'd always prefer the guy to initiate the first move in a relationship. Do what you must, kiss the guy when there is that current moment. Don't be shy and take a risk.
I have known someone for over a year. At the time, we considered ourselves to be really good friends. One thing lead to another, like our conversations were just really good, deep, meaningful conversations. We got to know each other quite well and that's when I eventually spilled the beans on him, telling him that I like him. He liked me, too. At the time, we decided not to initiate on a relationship because
(1) he had to go to London
(2) we did not want to hold each other back from anything
I couldn't stand not doing anything because if we did "went our separate ways" after London, I'd probably be always wondering "what if?" So, I leaned in and started kissing him.
And I have to tell you, I had the best summer ever and now, we're just going to have to get through London with our LDR.