This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead.One of my close girl friends IMed me about half hour ago and said that she and her boyfriend of six months broke up, but
neither said it was over.Yeah, it confused me too.
According
to her, things just fell apart after a few weeks of not talking. She tried
to make an effort to talk to him, but he wouldn't pick up the phone; she'd leave him messages but he'd never respond.
She's had so many failed relationships, but this
one looked really promising . . . needless to say, she was disappointed when things didn't work out. She even introduced him to her family, and
she never does that.
I told her something might have happened, which is
why he's not responding; then again, it's been three weeks. She's
very resilient, so after venting and crying to her mom, she says she's
going to be okay and has not given up on love.
That says a
lot about her. I think most people would have given up on love if they
were in her position. I just feel bad that she has to be going through
this over and over, each time worse than the last.
Can a break up really happen without someone actually saying it's over?
Would you give up on love if you had a string of failed relationships?
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Comments (56)
Yeah, a breakup can happen without both people saying it's over, but that usually involves one of them being a... how do you say it... a total douche. In that case, it's better for the victim that the relationship ended, since the other person is not apparently able to talk about his or her feelings.
And of course you should keep trying, even though you've had a string of failed relationships. Technically, unless the other person dies, all the relationships you've been in except the one you're in now have been failures. It's just a matter of learning from your mistakes.
It's definitely possible for a relationship to end without saying those magic words "It's over".
I'm almost hesitant to go with the rest of my train of thought, bc she is your friend and you obviously care for her, and I'm about to be minorly cruel. But here goes:
No one has a string of failed relationship without some personal (and unresolved) issues. One bad one, sure. Two, maybe, but when the Universe presents opportunities that lead to a pattern...I bet there is a grand correlation between the men who've hurt her. Different faces, same issues. She's not learning from these experiences (aside from the whole 'I won't give up on love' thing), so she keeps being presented opportunities to do so.
And I can tell you this, bc I did the same exact thing. My pattern left me shattered and unable to understand until I realized that I was willingly walking into relationships that made the alarms in my head go off, but I made excuses for these men (and the occasional woman). And by the time it was over, I was so far gone in that world I'd created around them, I had lost myself and the reason why I'd even stayed around.
Until I decided I'd had enough. I raised my standards. Demanded more personal responsibility on their part (and mine). And did not settle for crap (this involves building self-esteem, too) and stopped making excuses for their behavior. I'm better for it. My dating pool is better, too.
Just a thought.
I wish her luck. The good guys are out there, but you have to really believe you're worth it.
Six months and all of sudden he drops it? Ugh. Men.
But that's good for her. I wouldn't give up on love. Discouraged, sure... but give up, definitely not. Not all guys are like that. Eventually, you'll find a good one. And really, if you take it all in context, if it didn't workout, he just wasn't the one.
If you give up on love you are denying the fact that you are human. At least thats my take.
As for the break up, I've know couples that just grew apart without ever saying it was over. One such couple remained good friends, they just over time started dating other people and neither comlained about it. That actually was one of the healthiest breakups I've ever witnessed in my opinion.
I think a relationship can end without anyone saying it's over, but it's better if someone actually says, "we're breaking up" just so it's perfectly clear.
To the first Q: Yes. I had my girlfriend at the time drop me without letting me know until I actually asked her directly about it about two weeks later.
Of course, during that period, she behaved as if single (incl. sleeping w/other people), which confused the fuck out of me.
To the second Q: Hell no. Just because the last N relationships didn't work out doesn't mean this one won't, right?
ewww, worst way to breakup ever!
You can have a break up without saying so. Actually......my last relationship of 3 years ended that way.
YOu fall out...and after a certain time...not a specific amount, btw....you just know iin your heart and mind....that its over. And from there, you note that day as the day yall broke up and things have ended.
After consecutive failed relationships I would give up on love but only for a lil while. I wont look to date or think of being in a relationship. Ill just let "like" find its way to me.....whenever that happens. I think Im doing that now. I dated 2 guys after my ex...onto my 3rd now....and seems like this is not going to work out either. Im pretty bummed out and I just wanna know why cant I meet a guy whose ALL there? NOt that this one is retarded....his circumstances are retarded. Sigh..........................
We all give up but I think its only temporary.
Yep, a break up can happen with out saying it's over and its extremly cowardly of the person. From what I've seen, guys tend to have this pathetic tendency that when they've moved on they just stop talking to the person and ignore them. Nothing happens when they haven't talked to you in so long, they're just not into that person. If a guy is interested he'll let it be own.
If I was old, yeah, I would give up almost completely on love, but there would always be that light of hope shinning, even if its not too bright.
6mo is a really short time for a serious relationship. him not responding and ignoring her is a sign that says, "i'm just not that into you, later". so yeah, it's over, and the guy's kinda a jerk to break it off like that. she should move on, more fish in the sea.
Unfortunately breakups without saying "it's over" do happen. Not knowing your friend, here are a couple scenarios why it does happen.
1. They weren't together a long time and the other party just decided they didn't want to date the person anymore and that was it. Not the greatest way to end things and a pretty chicken-shit way to go.
2. The "victim" was a big pain and the other had just had enough of the behavior.
Not saying that your friend is a pain, more than likely #1 happened.
I broke up with my the last guy I dated because of #2. We dated for almost 2 years and he was a huge pain (long story). We got into a fight and he quit communicating with me. I guess his way of letting me cool down. A couple days turned into a week, a week into a month, a month into a couple months. When he finally did contact me the first thing he asked me was if I was still mad at him and if he could come over. By that time I was over it...and over him...and I told him so.
Anyway, your friend should be glad that she only spent 6 months with this guy if he was so heartless as to not even talk to her face to face.
She really needs to re-evaluate her own behavior and choices as well...especially if she keeps making the same mistakes with different guys. Been there, done that. At some point in time, you need to examine the fact that it's not them, but it may well be something I'm (you're) doing...again, been there, done that.
I wish your friend luck!
Relationships can end without and formal declaration of a 'breakup.' I was in one, we were on and off, and suddenly we just weren't...no fighting, we were still friends...we just...moved on for the most part.
Ah, that's the way my ex did it . Basically sent me a text message that said "I can't do this anymore" But then when we got around to talking to it (4 days later) he said "I didn't want to talk to you because it would sound like I was breaking up with you" Neither of us said it was over or anything like that at the time . I was confused for a bit as to where our relationship was then . Its comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this ... cuz it sucks .
love will conquer all... eventually :).
And yes, I guess ppl can break up without saying so. Heck, I've taken it even further. I'd say we weren't even together to begin with! =D.
Would you give up on love if you had a string of failed relationships?
My opinion: She needs to take a break and re-evaluate what she wants in a relationship. I agree with daeshii@xanga, there seems to be a pattern of what she gets out of a relationship.
I was in a relationship for 9 months when all of a sudden my gf decided to stop talking to me. We were actually in the middle of a heated IM conversation, and she stopped responding. Then she never responded to phone calls or E-Mails again after that.
It was a year and a half before I heard from her again, apologizing for doing it, but I wasn't about to hear it. It's still a little painful thinking about it, even 4 years later. All you can do is try to learn from it and move on.
In my case, I broke up with my last boyfriend in absentia. I was in a long distance relationship & he hadnt called me in 2 months. I mean I DID call around our friends to see if they heard from them, which they didnt, I called & his phone number was off & no one answered his other numbers so I said "whatever" & moved on. Unless he wakes up from a coma or gives proof he was in the witness protection program, he has no reason to call with an explination.
I wouldnt give up on love after a failed relationship. You kiss alot of frogs before finding the magic one! And you need patience & wisdom before settling down.
--->MiNA<3
i have been there. the guy i dated for almost 2 yrs n who i thought was the love of my life broke up with me without saying it's over. he suddenly stopped talking to me and answering or returning my calls. i knew it was over but after much persuasions from friends, i went to him to see him to find closer, to see if it was actually over. the jerk was like "what's there to talk about?" i had another failed relationship after that n just when i thought i had finally giving up on love i met someone else who i have been dating ever since. so love is there when u least expected.
I can't say I've ever been in a relationship where someone hasn't said "It's over". I mean yes, some relationships do just fizzle out and end but that's no excuse not to let the other partner know.
As many other people have said, it's incredibly cowardly and insensitive for someone not to tell the person. But I guess at the end of the day it all depends on how much of an arsehole you are.
Luckily, I've never experienced anything like that. All of my partners (the arseholes as well as the OK ones) that have split up with me have had the small amount of respect to tell me so.
And yes, I wouldn't give up on love because you've had bad relationships. All of mine had sucked up until I found my current boyfriend a year and a half ago. I would just lay low for a while, and even if you are looking, I encourage you to look in places you wouldn't normally. :)
That is just rude and childish. If one party wants it to be over, he or she should suck it up and talk to the other person about it.
@Shinbi_Belldandy - They need a more scientific process of finding magic frogs, I think. It can't be healthy to just go around kissing every one that looks promising.
I can relate to this. Perhaps, I can't relate to it personally, but I knew someone who went through this. She and her first boyfriend met at church. Then he moved, and he stopped calling, messaging, and other measures of communication. He never really said it was over. Then when she finally saw him again, he was "flirting" with other people, and he never really acknowledged anything to her. He talked to her as if nothing had happened. I found all of this through various conversations that we had. She ended up liking me, and I was really confused. I thought she was a great girl, but she had a weak character. She couldn't make decisions on her own, and she let that boyfriend do whatever he wanted with her feelings. I encouraged her to talk to him, and she never did. She was always afraid of confrontation. I never really felt like I liked her as more than friends, but I wanted to help her. But, I realized that I can only help those who want to be helped.
The point is that it's really possible for people to break up without making it official. I do think that your friend did her share by trying to talk to him. He's a coward for not saying ANYTHING at all to her. Even if he didn't like her or something went wrong, she had the right to know if there was still a relationship or not. If I had a string of failed relationships, I'd take my own time to myself. I wouldn't give up on love altogether, but I would try to find my own happiness first before moving on to partners. That's why I like the idea of going with the flow =]
Love, peace, and chicken grease!
He should have sucked it up and said it was over. Why play games like that?
That exact thing just happened to me not too long ago.
I'd been seeing this guy for three months and he didn't talk to me for five weeks, so I assumed we were done. He came crawling back to me on the sixth week.
At that point, I decided that it wasn't worth it to get back with him - even if he'd had a huge personal problem or something tragic happen, he didn't even text me, call me, or email me to let me know. That sort of disregard for your partner is in complete contradiction with the respect you are supposed to have for your SO, and him or her for you.