This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead.This morning I was listening to Ne-Yo's song "Miss Independent" and I
couldn't help think about how attractive independent and strong women
are.
With the exception of one, all the girls I've dated have
had their own way of doing things.
They were willing to make sacrifices
for the sake of the relationship but didn't take bullshit from me
or anyone else. They never asked me for anything and made sure to take
care of their own finances. I think that's why I get attracted to
these women.
I never wanted a girlfriend who depends on me for things
or needs me around to do things. I like someone who can make up her
own mind and at times is willing to say "no, I can't hang out with you
today" and I like a girl who's willing to
turn to friends if something goes wrong instead of running to me
first.
The one other girl relied on me for everything. She had her
friends but couldn't separate having friends and a boyfriend - she wanted to hang out with
while I was out with my friends and was emotionally a wreck. It
bothered me that she wasn't able to pull herself together and it
eventually led me to break up with her. I'm all for being nice and
compassionate, but at some point a woman needs to stand her ground and
figure herself out.
Guys, do you find independent and strong women attractive?
Girls, would you describe yourself as independent and strong?
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Comments (52)
Hands down! Heck yes, I'm probably a little too independent and I'd imagine it loses just a touch of the attractiveness to be that way...but ooooh well! :) I've got a sister who can't do anything by herself and it drives me crazy. I'd much rather be capable of going to the bathroom alone than have to have company watching me. AND I'd sure as heck prefer to know I can pay my bills without reaching into someone else pockets...besides...their pants may not always have pockets!
Definitely. I pay for my house, my car, and all of my bills on my own. I hate for others to buy/pay for things things for me (except food...I'm always up for free food
).
When I think about relationships it's in terms of "wanting" one not "needing" one.
I think I am as independent as I can be right now at this point in life. I pay for all my bills, except for rent and the like (utilities) since I still live at home. My SO doesn't pay anything on my behalf. Sure we treat each other to meals when we go out, or the occasional movie, but it is pretty equal when it comes to that (I pay for him, he pays for me...).
yeah, i can see your point. no matter how much a guy loves a girl, when he starts to feel that she is depending on him too much, it becomes pressure, and the next thing you know, he is trying to escape. it is just human nature to run away when there is more pressure than fun
having said that, i dont mean girls have to be absolutely strong all the time. at times guys find it sweet when they can do something for you. it can be a small gesture that means big
i would say i am independent most of the time, well, not that i can depend on my bf too much depending on the situation we are in, but sometimes he says it makes him feel manly when i count on him. isnt that sweet? i think it is what couples are supposed to do, being there for each other, rather than depending heavily on each other.
I really dislike people who can't do things themselves.. and for these girls, it's not even requiring a man by their side.. it's also having just ANYONE. I even know of someone who always asked someone to come along to the bathroom with her.. even in a dorm during college!
I'm independent in my finances, my career as a student (and in preparing for my career as a teacher), and in my goals for my life.
I think some independence is extremely important. However, I also think some dependence on others is also extremely important. It's a balance.
I think I'm independent enough for a girl. I love doing things on my own... it actually started because I'm sort of a perfectionist or if I know I can do something, I'd rather do it than have someone else do it. I actually play "dumb" sometimes to waterdown my urges of perfection. I find it weird when guys treat me like a princess... I usually don't know what to do with myself or how to react haha. My father raised me kind of like a hybrid daughter and son in one so I know how to do yardwork, mow the lawn if I have to, paint the house, watch sports, kick it with the boys, etc. and then I can turn around and cook, clean, watch girly tv shows. I'm not clingy and need to be around the boyfriend 24/7 or every free moment I have. I believe in setting boundaries and enjoying other friendships in the midst of a relationship so I totally support spending time with your friends when you can. This aspect about me actually drove my ex-boyfriend crazy. He thought I didn't care about him enough because I didn't spend all my time with him or sounded all excited about the next time I could see him again. That's probably why he fell for my best friend at the time because she was more showy in that way. I get excited but not in the clingy way. Come to think of it, he was actually more clingy than I was... and more dependent on me than I was... lol.
I want a woman who is interdependent, that is, independent enough on their own, yet still have some sort of dependence (emotional or whatever) on me. I've seen my fair share of independent women. While it's great for a woman to be independent, there are some that are *too* independent (think Miranda from Sex and the City), and it makes me wonder if the relationship would even work out.
I'm independent. But I let guys pay for meals or drinks if we go out. I don't think that makes me not independent though. And I certainly don't expect them to, but if they offer I'm not going to say no.
I don't think ANYBODY likes a dependent girl, except maybe control freaks. What frightens me about the world is that there are so many of them!
Most men I know love it. I don't know if it's so much that they don't feel like they have to take care of this other person, or that the whole relationship is less work when they don't have to be together 24/7.
@MustangSally04@xanga - I agree completely!! That's what I told the last ex (prior to his ex status): I want you in my life, but I don't need you. Cos I can do this all by myself!
It's also part and parcel the whole "being a whole person prior to the relationship" thing, too. Needy people are the ones who are lost, have no identity if their existence isn't validated by an outside source, and are scared to death to be alone (bc somehow that means they're less).
In counterpoint, men can have the same issues. I've been with independent men and clingy ones. I have the same qualms as sleepyhead over this. Ugh, get a life.
Of course, there is the balance issue, though. One can be too independent, and I know men I've dated who tell me, while they know I'm fully capable of doing things myself, would like the opportunity to be needed. So they get to change my lightbulbs, kill spiders and mow the lawn.
I'm very independent, which is good, but it's sometimes a downside because guys don't always realize that sometimes I do need them.
It depends a lot on what you mean by 'independent.' Takes care of herself? Sure. I don't know how comfortable I'd feel with someone that took care of everything by herself, though. I mean, it's one thing to be dating an airbrushed train wreck. It's another to have someone come to you when they need help; I'd like to be the first or second person she thinks of when she needs to talk to someone and/or needs advice, even if I might not have any good advice to give.
It's a balance, I think, between independence and, well, trust. That is, someone that comes to you for help is good, but once it gets overbearing and/or excessive, there's a problem. Likewise, I have no problem with killing spiders (or cockroaches, if I have anything heavy and disposable around), but if she came to me regarding every last bug, I might start to get a little exasperated.
[I'm not touching on matters like paying for oneself, because I have yet to date anybody that would let me pay for them, much less on a regular basis. That'd be exploitation, I think, especially with anyone that wants social equality...]
I'd like to think that I'm independent by paying for my own rent, living on my own, knowing what my ambitions are and going for it. But I also like that my boyfriend is someone that spoils me to death and someone that I can depend and rely on no matter what.
i_am_joyce & sorjai make really great points. I think both parties in a relationship should be independent individuals before getting involved. Each party should know how to support themselves but once the relationship begins, there's an interdependence.
In a relationship, I believe you should be able to live without the person but you choose not to 'cause he makes it so much better. A little bit like this season's finale of Grey's Anatomy.. when she says "I believe we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart." :) When you enter a relationship, you choose to depend on each other but in a healthy way so that you can help each other. There should be no worries or feelings of the other person suffocating you or being too clingy. If there is, then.. perhaps you two either aren't mature enough or a good fit. I guess that's how I see it.
I consider myself independent but there are times when I do need a guy's help. Helping me move or even car troubles. But I don't need no man paying for my own bills and such. Unless we're married and there's an actual reason for why I can not work. Even then, I don't like it when even my friends pay for me for the movies and such, makes me feel really guilty.
maybe i'm just lazy, but i would love to have a girlfriend who's independent and don't need me around to do EVERYTHING for her, and i mean, EVERYTHING. however, it is a nice feeling, at least for me, to know that i am needed...but just not THAT much.
@MustangSally04@xanga - "When I think about relationships it's in terms of "wanting" one not "needing" one."
Exactly!
Hands down, I am very independent.
I think I'm fairly independent. I'm fine by myself or with other people; I take care of my own rent, utilities, groceries, etc.; and I generally don't look for handouts. However, when I'm in need, I'm not so proud that I can't pick up the phone and ask for help from my parents or whomever. I also realize that when I get married, I may not be working all the time, so I will have to be financially dependent on my husband. I don't mind that, and I think most guys want to be a bread winner. But I don't want to be caught unable to take care of myself should the need arise. Â Â
Haha! I hope I'm independent! I usually like to do things myself. I am quite emotional though...not something that I can help but yeah. Haha.
If I were a guy, I'd totally date a strong, independent woman. But I'm not a guy so yeah.
I definitely am an independent woman, but it should be clear that independence can also include co-dependence. I rely on my SO to support me when I need it and vice versa.
I used to be the kind of person that hung on my friends for everything, because I didn't have many and I didn't really know how to deal with things without help. I've gotten a lot better since then, and I know how to take care of myself, but occasionally I find myself slipping back into the old habits when things get bad and running to my boyfriend. I'm still changing that, though! Otherwise I'm quite an independent person.
Anyway, I find girls who are able to take care of themselves as very attractive, but there is a point where you just have to step back and say "wow, you need human contact."
Hell yea hahaha strong, independent women are hot. I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking help sometimes, but when a girl stands her ground, she really stands out from many others. It is the balance between being independant and human that makes them different.
Let's just say naggy girls and emotional wrecks are not my favorites.
Strong women are sexy! LOL. I think of myself as even more independent and mature than my boyfriend, and he's older than me!Â
Also, it's SO refreshing to hear about a guy who DOESN'T want his girlfriend to have no spine, and just do everything HE says. Kudos to you, and good luck finding your dream girl!