Tuesday, 09 September 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: How Do I Get through to An Older Guy?
How do subtly hint to someone that you're interested when he/she is 20 years older than you without looking silly?
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Comments (35)
First of all, I hope you're at a decent enough age so the other person doesn't suffer from social hatred if the relationship works.
also, hopefully that other person won't go to jail for statutory rape.
but the best way, is the most direct way. if not, then just try to "cling" onto him for the majority of his waking hours.
Why would you want to date someone 20 years older, unless for their money?
(Legit question!)
Well, I'm married to a man who's 9 years older than me, but we're still both in our 20s. Someone who is 20 years older than you is no longer going to percieve the world the same way you do, the maturity levels will be completely different, and, let's face it: he/she won't get your pop-culture references. :)
For the most part, my hubby and I don't have a problem with our age difference, but even with only a 9-year age gap, I sense differences because of our ages. (I was a child of the 90s, while he's a child of the 80s. Believe it or not, the era you grow up in will affect you and your views on life.)
20 is probably too big of an age gap. Find someone closer to your own age. You'll be able to relate better. :)
@KechiNeko244@xanga - i disagree as it depends on the person(s). as long as they are both of legal age, one should not look down on them.
@buddy71@xanga - I'm not looking down. I could hardly do that, as I married someone nearly 10 years my senior. However, I'm just giving a warning that 20 years might be a hard age gap to overcome, not to mention it's not as socially acceptable. I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't do somethign because socity says so, but if you're going to date someone that much older than you, then you need to be prepared for some flak from society.
as long as you ae of legal age, the differance should not matter, but it really depends on the people as since there is a big generation gap, that might cause problems and of course society will look at it unfavorably. i feel it just depends on the two people
20 years is a HUGE gap. you sure this isn't just "admiration"? i dont know, infatuation?! interested as in what way? getting to know the person better?? it really depends, this question is too vague. but yes, a 20 yr gap means you guys will be on different levels of maturity.
it also reallllllllllllllllly depends on the actual age too. i know it sounds silly but consider this.... my first ex bf was 5 yrs older. when i was 16, he was turning 21. at the time, the 5 yr gap seemed........ wide. but today, im 27, he's going to turn 32 in a few months, the same gap (5 yrs) doesnt seem to exist anymore lol. so if you're 20 and he's 40, it may look/sound silly because he may feel that you're "inexperienced" compared to what he's already been thru. BUT if you're 40 and he's 60... now that's a different story. it's kind of hard for me to explain, someone help lol
but either way, i'd wait it out and see how he reacts around you. if he keeps his distance... you know better not to get involved. if he starts sending mixed signals, maybe you can be the "mature" one and bring the issue up. ive always asked for what i wanted :o) and yes, im talking about asking guys out. bahahaha i got no shame! if that's what you really want, be mature and be brave... just ask! GOOD LUCK!
@KechiNeko244@xanga - I'm currently sort of going through this. My boyfriend and I are 12 years apart. I'm 26. He's got kids already from a previous marriage. However it's true that he's comfortable with who he is and knows what he wants. The age difference doesn't really worry me all TOO much as far as our relationships go but I do wonder what others would perceive, not that it should matter. And he's not rich or anything and neither am I so there's no gold-digging going on. We just connected and want similar things in life and in a family.
As far as the original poster, I think it depends on if she's still in her teens. If she was older, then I don't think it would be an issue to subtly let the guy know. Or at least find a way to get to know him somehow.
Gosh, did I ask this question???
you sound like me.
Just go for it girl, as long as you're legally old enough.I wish this were not social Taboo.
Honestly become his best friend, and then talk, the feelings will show, no matter how well you try and hide them the closer you get.
Are you interested in sex or are you looking for something more? If you want a relationship with this person, chances are that the age difference would be a problem (whether you trying to get with him, or during the relationship). From my personal experience, dating someone older doesn't always have a positive effect.
I don't know how old you are, but you should be old enough to make your own judgments. I'd say you shouldn't go forward in wooing him/her.
@KechiNeko244@xanga - yes i think we are thinking much more alike that not.
i am an older guy and i get along well with those in their 20-30's. we share much the same interests. but not everyone can do this. you must be prepared to catch flak from everywhere. the last serious relationship i had she was 15 years younger. yes i know...dirty old man! if it is not for you so be it. but you do have to be aware and be able to adjust to the gen gap. so let the person know you are interested. just be ready for not getting the right answer back.
age is simply a number... you cant put an age on maturity. ive been in this situation before and if both are of legal age, and want to give it a try... why not? go for it... tell em how you feel!
stop right now and you won't look silly.
If I wouldn't have met my husband (who's only 1 year older than me), I would definitely be with a much older guy. ( And I'm at LEAST 29!
)
When you figure it out please update to let the rest of us know. It's seems like such an uphill battle between society and the notion that people who are considerably younger must be 'childish' even as adults.
@miss_prettyinpink@xanga - There are some pretty sexy, smart, funny, older individuals out there. I know some and they really don't have that much money.
Just tell him how you feel. If the whole 20 year gap doesn't bother him, then he'll give you some sort of cohesive (hopefully) response.
On a related note, my first boyfriend's parents had a 15 or 16 year gap between them.
I just hope this isn't a case where you're 16 and he's 36. As people get older, age gaps tend not to have too much of an impact. I hope this is one of those cases!
I was seeing a guy who was 18 years older than me. I didn't have too many hang-ups about it, but he did. The one thing that did bother me was that he seemed to think nothing in my life was as difficult or challenging as having a mortgage. He brought this up over and over. Nothing that happened to me--financial problems, parental issues, psychological/emotional issues--was as serious as having to pay the mortgage. "Life is much tougher after college" was his mantra.
It got old really quickly. I told him it wasn't working out. Our life vantage points were too different. I'd advise against the guy with the 20-yr gap.
try to talk to him more and deeper, then see how he reacts. does he deliberately keep a distance or does he seems to be interested in you the same way too? you will know
just do what you feel like doing. it is hard to say but i do know a couple who share a thirty five year age difference, and things worked out great for them. sadly after nine years of happy marriage, one passed away. but i think being able to spend the time with the one you love is still worth it. you only live once, so who cares about what others think of you?
Start by acting 20 years older than you actually are. In my experience, I only go for younger girls if they act like they have the experience and knowledge of some one my age. In other words, you might want to work forever at a job you hate, go through a couple of divorces, maybe, or start complaining about menopause-related symptoms, or how the kids never remember to CALL THEIR MOTHER, and definately at some point go crazy because you feel old and buy a Porsche.
Or, you can just do the sane thing and date some one who is remotely on the same ACTUAL maturity level as you. Trust me, if you don't know how to make the move on some one 20 years older than you and not feel stupid, then even if it succeeds, you're going to feel pretty stupid pretty much whenever they talk to you.
Not sure what the sex of the questioner is...I'm guessing female. I think the straightforward no bullshit route is the way to go to let the person know you're interested (especially if he/she is in their 40's). But just understand that 20 years IS a big gap...and I'm not just saying, my boyfriend is at least that much younger than me (YES, he IS over 18 LOL) but it works for us...how, I don't know, but we've been together for a year now and we're pretty happy with how things are going for us. If you proceed with no expectations, then the age gap could work. But if you're looking for something permanent, I wouldn't suggest not going for someone that much older than you.
A girl dating some dude who is 20 years older is creepy as hell. It won't ever work out and even if it does, the guy will be dead in a few years. Then you'll have spent your prime years on some guy six feet under while you're forced to spend your twilight years as a cranky old widow who only has her cats to talk to.
i've had the other way around happen before.. he was the older one and said he'd ask me out if he was 20 years younger.
it was kind of creepy.