This is a guest blog submitted by sleepyhead.She's baaaaaack! My best friend's ex has surfaced again in the city. Now before I even go any further, let me explain the situation with this girl:
She went to high school with me and my friend...she was the first girl he really loved and cared for. After two years of dating, she started to treat him like dirt; she started hanging out with random guys, would always fight with him and stopped talking to him for a period of time. He didn't understand why she did all those things and wouldn't explain her actions. They broke up a few months before graduation.
She decided she needed a change of scenery and went to college in California. The problem was, she and I were friends from middle school and she expected me to side with her, but I couldn't.
What she did to my other friend was wrong - you can't treat someone that way and then make friends choose sides! I wasn't willing to do that, and that pissed her off. We eventually lost contact.
He, on the other hand, was so distraught over the break-up that he's still having trouble trusting girls and, in turn, treats them the same way he was treated. It hit him harder than I thought it would; I guess breaking up with your first love can do that to you.
Now she's back and contacting me again (damn Facebook!) but I don't want to see her out of respect for my friend. At the same time, she and I were good friends at one point in time. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that she has matured and become a better person since we lost contact four years ago.
I'm also curious to find out why she couldn't have a clean break up with my friend instead of dragging him through the dirt, but I'm not sure I should.
Is it worth meeting up with her and getting answers or should I just keep ignoring her?
Do you think people like her change for the better or are they always the same?
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Comments (27)
Maybe after many years....she wants to give an explanation?? Hope all works out well for you.
I say go for it. If she hasn't changed, then you can continue ignoring her.
well it's really none of your business, it's between her and your best friend. and if you don't want to see her, then just tell her it's not a good idea to meet up. just tell her the truth. since you two's been out of touch for so long, i doubt she can use the "but we've been friends forever" reasoning to get you to go meet up with her.
if your best friend comes to you and ask for help, then help him. if not, it's best if you stay out of it. it's just more drama.
Go for it!
I'm curious: What do you plan to do with this information should she divulge why she acted like a typical teenage girl and treated him like dirt? If she tells you that she was having family trouble, didn't know how to deal and acted out the only way she knew how, will that make what she did better? Or at least more understandable? Will her confession suddenly green light some idea in your best friend's head, and he'll suddenly find peace with his attitude toward women?
Can people change? Yes, if they want to. Does that mean she's grown up into a more presentable adult? Who knows. Do you miss her friendship? Because loyalty aside, your best friend shouldn't make you chose between them either. Or are you using this opportunity not to renew your friendship, but to cross-examine her to make him feel better?
In your shoes, I would proceed with extreme caution. Don't bring up the bf unless she does it first. And at any time it seems that she's being shady, tell her so. But do this bc you want her in your life, not because you want answers. At the end of the day, they just aren't yours to have.
Just my two cents
It's been a while. Give her a chance, and if you really want to know what went wrong, just ask. If she's still being a douchebag about your other friend or still expects you to side with her, find someone else to hang with...
I think people can change for the better, especially between high school and adulthood. People undergo massive changes then and (hopefully) become more mature. I would give her a second chance.
And just because she did it to him does not mean he has an excuse to do it to other people.
@hopelessromantic - yeah ive tried telling him this but sometimes it just happens and he doesn't deliberately do it. it's become a process for him. After a few months together, he starts to treat them in a different manner.
Yeah, I'd say see her.
Even though she may have screwed your buddy over, you never know what happened to her in the period of time since high school, college, and starting that whole adulthood thing.I guess just be as tactful as possible.I have a theory that your friend has started treating his dates in the same way he got treated because he never got closure over the whole thing. This thing with her could potentially either 1) open a huge can or worms or 2) provide some much needed closure and healing.
People definitely can change, and what happens in high school is not the basis for who we are to become in life. But then again some folks don't change much over time. I know there was one guy I treated like crap in HS, but that's not who I am or what I'm about these days... not since, well high school.
@CrazyMai07@xanga - i think in some sense he's looking for closure.
give the friendship another chance and see what she has to offer now . . . if she's still the same person from 4 years ago, drop her like she's hot!
everybody deserves a chance, and she really might have changed!
and if i were you, i would definitely look for the answers. well, maybe there's no point to refer to what happens a few years ago, but just know how she is now. tell her how much she has hurt your friend.
but if things dont go well, dont contact her again
it's been a few years, it's possible she is more mature and regrets being a jerk. only one way to find out. don't expect anything, just you can always hope.
i'm a nosy person ><
i'd definitely go and ask her
maybe you should just ask your buddy what to do?
if she's in town, he's bound to find out somehow, and he might even be a little pissed you didn't tell him
let him know what you're thinking about, after all, it's he that you respect
Giving her a chance is a matured thing to do. However, I wouldn't ask her about what had happened 4 years ago until you feel comfortable enough to ask her. The right person to ask her why she acted the way she did should be your boyfriend if he wants closure. Just my 2 cents worth : ) Good luck!
It's been so long, just forget about it. You're just opening up drama in your life if you do. You guys were once good friends and had great memories. Let them stay as good memories and not something you thought you could have spent on better things.
I say meet up with her one afternoon, without your friend knowing and ask her about it. I mean, it is, after all, the reason why yall stopped talking. She should be forthcoming with information since she has no qualms about contacting you and wanting to catch up--and that would be a good way to broach the subject, while you're catching up. maybe you can ask her to apologize to your friend, maybe that's all he needs to get over the whole situation.
@daeshii@xanga - you took the words right out of my head!
i pretty much agree with the general consensus--don't broach the subject unless she does first. and people can change. i'll attest to that. i was kind of a dick in high school, and also a huge slacker. if you compared my high school self to my current self you'd never know it was the same person. but keep her on a short leash, at least for your first encounter. and definitely don't be afraid to walk away if she screws up.
i thought you didn't want to choose sides? because it's clearly obvious that you chose a side even before she asked you to side with her.
it's fine to be curious as to why she didn't have a clean break, but ultimately it's none of your business.
if you're planning to meet up with her because you're hoping to get answers to these questions of the past, then there's really no point. saying things like "out of respect for my friend," and "people like her" tells me that you're not looking at this with an open mind and that you've already passed judgement on her as a result of her actions as a stupid teenager.
i'd say only meet up with her if you're focusing solely on the friendship that exists between you and her (completely separate from her relationship with your best friend). if you're so hung up on judging her for her actions from high school days, then don't waste your time or hers.
This happened between a buddy of mine and her girlfriend. They were engaged, and one day, she shows up at lunch and hands him back the ring he gave her, telling him that she didn't love him any more. I saw my friend literally spiral out of control, giving in to alcoholism, gambling, even moving far away. He had a hard, hard time. Later, the girl in question was a trainer and I was a manager for the university football team where we both were going to school. She asked me if I was angry because of how she had treated my friend, and I was honest with her, telling her, "Yes." By that time -- about two years later -- my anger had truly passed, and she and I remain friends to this day.
I thiknk if i were the author of this blog, I'd see her, and tell her straight how I felt, and let her have her say, as well. If she truly has changed, she'll listen. If not, let her live her life until the consequences of her choices catch ip to her, then be there for her to help the pieces be put back together. My friend, the guy in the relationship I spoke of, his life truly did spiral, but God helped him get things together, and now he is happily married to a beautiful lady....
I don't think she owes you any explanation. Her relationship with your friend really has nothing to do with you. If you wanna see her to catch up, or just for old time's sake, then go for it. But if you're expecting her to explain why she acted the way she did in the relationship she had with your friend, you're meddling. Stay out of it.