I
was raised Christian and I have always wanted to wait until marriage. Some
people believe that I should just make it clear upfront to avoid
misunderstandings and potentially wasting the other person's time.
However, my
relationship has yet to advance to that stage and I'm afraid saying it now will be premature and may lead to bad feelings.
Now, my other option is to hint at
this until he gets it, which probably won't take too long, because he is
reasonably intelligent and is already picking up on things about me without my
having to say it outright.
But this will still take some time, and I'm not sure
if I want him to figure it out somewhere down the road and feel like he has
wasted his time with me. Granted, it might serve him right for seeing our
relationship simply as a gateway for sex.
When a topic about sex comes up...tell him. Or.....watch a movie like Knocked Up then make a comment like...Thats exactly the reason why I wont have sex till Im married!
I agree that you shouldnt waste his or anyone else's time and if his agenda is to get into your pants...who cares. (its ok for ppl to want to have sex) But let someone else be the one who teaches him a lesson. Just worry about yourself and your principles.
I hope you find a grrrreat guy who respects that decision of yours. Just because a person doesnt want to have sex doesnt mean they're not entitled to date or have a relationship.
edit::: But let someone else be the one who teaches him a lesson by making him put out efforts to only be rejected from the start. Dont be that person, be upfront, and honest. He cannot get mad at you for that
When something like this comes up, it's best not to hint it. Just tell him. :\ Being straightfoward with it is pretty much the only solution.
If he can't understand your sentiments, he won't understand you.
Just worry about yourself.
Besides, there are some great guys out there who will understand your feelings and respect you as a person. :)
Good luck.
From experience, I would say it's probably better that he knows sooner rather than later. For some people sex is a vitally important part of a relationship, and misunderstandings there can ruin things.
I wouldn't just spring it on him out of the blue, but if you two are talking about the relationship, or something else relevant like your faith, or how you feel about marriage, or something like that, you could mention that there is something any guy you date needs to know and understand. He might already know, or he might be expecting something to happen, but it's better that both people in a relationship understand where you stand on this important issue. That way you two can set limits to what you are willing to do, so he doesn't pressure you and you both aren't too tempted to go beyond what you're comfortable with.
It is better to tell him sooner. You can bring up a conversation on views and slowly get to the point that you want to wait until marriage or something.
I say be upfront and honest. When my husband and I were dating, it was probably 5-6 months into the relationship when we "had the talk" and I said I wouldn't have sex before I was married. He was fine with my feelings on the situation. I believe that a person should respect you when you have a belief like that.
i think you should just sit him down and say "look, i know it's still early in the relationship, but I just want you to know that I would like to wait until marriage to have sex." he should know your thoughts on this so that when it does come down to him thinking it's the right time to have sex with you, he isn't thrown back by you randomly telling him that that's not how you live your life. If he isn't interested in waiting until marriage, then at least you both saved yourself the effort in this relationship that would've been wasteful anyway. If he's respects your beliefs then I'm sure you'll both be happy that you were upfront with each other early in the game.
I'm following the trend, and going with: telling him up front is definitely the way to go. I've by no mean dated enough to be giving hardcore dating advice, but this is an issue I myself have encountered on more than one occasion, even with potential boyfriends. I have found that it always, always goes over better if you're open up front. If he takes it poorly, that's his loss. If he takes it well, kudos- he's a keeper, as long as he's [obviously] going to respect your boundaries. If he's disappointed, who knows? I had a young man actually change HIS opinion on sex because of my decision to wait until marriage. It was very heartening. <3
Best of luck to you!
I would tell him sooner than later, as most people are advising. It shouldn't be, but sex is somewhat an important issue in relationships. It's best just to tell him as soon as possible so everyone is on the same page.
please be up front about it. Speaking as a guy, we don't like it when you try to imply or hint something as complex as that. If it was something more straight forward or smaller than ok feel free to imply it or eventually have us decipher it through your actions. But something like that isn't one of them, just say it.
Talking about sex and how you feel about it is normal and to be expected. I don't think you should keep it to yourself how you feel if he's given any clear indications that that's something he feels strongly about having in his relationships. Be honest, when it's appropriate, bring it up. I like the 1st commenter's idea of making your views known when a movie (or the news) brings up such a topic. Be as firm as you actually feel about it. Or there may be the tendency that he may thing you might change your mind down the road.
Pretty simple. Ask him what his views on Jesus are. If he's not a Christian, he's going to have a hard time understanding your position, regardless, and besides, he's probably not marriage material, considering how seriously you take the whole morality end of your faith. If he is Christian, he'll understand.
All in all, this really has little to do with sex life and everything to do with faith, amirite?
Honestly, I think you should just sit him down and talk to him. Say, "Look, I know it's early in our relationship, but this has been bearing on my mind - there's an important piece of me that I need you to be able to accept and respect before we can move forward." Then explain what you feel and why. Don't beat around the bush - that's not fair to either one of you. It will make him think that you're afraid to speak your mind, not completely open in communication with him, or worse, insincere in your vow of chastity. It's also unfair to you, because it shows a lack of certainty and pride in your choice.
Plus if he decides he can't live with it, there will be much less heartache for you now than later.
I'd say you should tell him as soon as possible. When discussing this matter, make sure you're concise and honest with him, and make sure that you know exactly what he's feeling/thinking (when the discussion ends). If he can't respect the fact that you want to wait, this guy isn't worth being with!
I agree with telling him up front. I know that it is a serious topic to have so early in the relationship, but this is a good thing! Your virginity and your principles are very important to you, and he should know what your standards are. You will know if he is a possible candidate for the long run depending on what his response is.
Good luck, and I am proud of you for being one of the few people in the world today who takes sex and intimacy very seriously and is committing that part of your life to Christ. =)
Wait until you two are talking about sex, or until sex naturally fits into your conversation. Then explain your views to him.
If you are the type of person to dress provocatively or to tell dirty jokes, this information will be a surprise to him. But if your life reflects your desire to wait until marriage, I don't think he'll be surprised, and I think he'll respect your honesty and openness with him.
@FireMapleSong@xanga - Actually, no, I don't think you're right at all. A Christian can be totally okay with sex before marriage; a non-Christian may have his own reasons for wanting to save himself for his wedding night. A non-Christian, too, may be open and accepting to her viewpoint even if he doesn't necessarily share it. And hetero-faith relationships and marriages can work out. Yes, it's hard, but relationships are hard. There's no reason a Christian couldn't find love and happiness with a non-Christian, unless she specifically knows she isn't strong enough to handle it (which is fine, but don't automatically say it's not right for her when you don't know!)
Just sit down with him one day and tell him. There's nothing wrong with it. If he cares about you at all, then he'll respect your opinion. If he doesn't, then at least you found out earlier, when you're less emotionally attached, than later. You can act on it from there.
Besides, how do you know he's not waiting too? =)
i think you are better off being very straight forward about this early on in the relationship. Â opposed to both people being upset down the road because of different expectations.
And hetero-faith relationships and marriages can work out. Yes, it's hard, but relationships are hard. @la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Yeah. I know someone whose parents are Jewish and Christian, and I know another couple whose political preferences are at opposite ends of the spectrum. People can surprise you. You just never know what kind of people are compatible.
Like all the other people said, tell him straightforward. It doesn't matter whether a guy is intelligent or not. Even with hints, some refuse to believe the hints and go about believing what they want to believe.
"I'm waiting till I'm married to have sex"
If he doesn't respect that, that's his problem.
At one point, I wrote my boyfriend a letter...well, I didn't want to give it to him at first. I said all those things that were hard to actually say, abstinence included. And after talking with a female friend of mine, I decided to give it to him. I think it meant a lot to him, and it was a great way to start a conversation after he read it. It's important not to hide some things, and this is one of them. Don't be afraid to discuss it more after you tell him, because it's a big opportunity for your relationship to grow.
You go, girl, for not compromising your morals.
It won't matter...if he really loves you he won't care. Also, you should just mention it during a movie or something where there is a romantic scene...
good luck!
You could tell him that you respect yourself, and that the relationship might be stronger if that's something you wait on. If he really is the right person for you, I think he'll understand and wait.
if he feel that waiting till you're ready to have sex is a waste of his time, then he's just in for the sex and everything he had said to you about the way he feels is a lie.
it's very simple, just tell him straight that you want to wait till you're ready, whenever that may be. granted, it's not going to stop him from trying to make you feel you're ready, so be careful. good luck.
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Comments (73)
When a topic about sex comes up...tell him. Or.....watch a movie like Knocked Up then make a comment like...Thats exactly the reason why I wont have sex till Im married!
I agree that you shouldnt waste his or anyone else's time and if his agenda is to get into your pants...who cares. (its ok for ppl to want to have sex) But let someone else be the one who teaches him a lesson. Just worry about yourself and your principles.
I hope you find a grrrreat guy who respects that decision of yours. Just because a person doesnt want to have sex doesnt mean they're not entitled to date or have a relationship.
edit:::
But let someone else be the one who teaches him a lesson by making him put out efforts to only be rejected from the start. Dont be that person, be upfront, and honest. He cannot get mad at you for that
When something like this comes up, it's best not to hint it. Just tell him. :\ Being straightfoward with it is pretty much the only solution.
If he can't understand your sentiments, he won't understand you.
Just worry about yourself.
Besides, there are some great guys out there who will understand your feelings and respect you as a person. :)
Good luck.
From experience, I would say it's probably better that he knows sooner rather than later. For some people sex is a vitally important part of a relationship, and misunderstandings there can ruin things.
I wouldn't just spring it on him out of the blue, but if you two are talking about the relationship, or something else relevant like your faith, or how you feel about marriage, or something like that, you could mention that there is something any guy you date needs to know and understand. He might already know, or he might be expecting something to happen, but it's better that both people in a relationship understand where you stand on this important issue. That way you two can set limits to what you are willing to do, so he doesn't pressure you and you both aren't too tempted to go beyond what you're comfortable with.
It is better to tell him sooner. You can bring up a conversation on views and slowly get to the point that you want to wait until marriage or something.
I say be upfront and honest. When my husband and I were dating, it was probably 5-6 months into the relationship when we "had the talk" and I said I wouldn't have sex before I was married. He was fine with my feelings on the situation. I believe that a person should respect you when you have a belief like that.
i think you should just sit him down and say "look, i know it's still early in the relationship, but I just want you to know that I would like to wait until marriage to have sex." he should know your thoughts on this so that when it does come down to him thinking it's the right time to have sex with you, he isn't thrown back by you randomly telling him that that's not how you live your life. If he isn't interested in waiting until marriage, then at least you both saved yourself the effort in this relationship that would've been wasteful anyway. If he's respects your beliefs then I'm sure you'll both be happy that you were upfront with each other early in the game.
I'm following the trend, and going with: telling him up front is definitely the way to go. I've by no mean dated enough to be giving hardcore dating advice, but this is an issue I myself have encountered on more than one occasion, even with potential boyfriends. I have found that it always, always goes over better if you're open up front. If he takes it poorly, that's his loss. If he takes it well, kudos- he's a keeper, as long as he's [obviously] going to respect your boundaries. If he's disappointed, who knows? I had a young man actually change HIS opinion on sex because of my decision to wait until marriage. It was very heartening. <3
Best of luck to you!
I would tell him sooner than later, as most people are advising. It shouldn't be, but sex is somewhat an important issue in relationships. It's best just to tell him as soon as possible so everyone is on the same page.
please be up front about it. Speaking as a guy, we don't like it when you try to imply or hint something as complex as that. If it was something more straight forward or smaller than ok feel free to imply it or eventually have us decipher it through your actions. But something like that isn't one of them, just say it.
Talking about sex and how you feel about it is normal and to be expected. I don't think you should keep it to yourself how you feel if he's given any clear indications that that's something he feels strongly about having in his relationships. Be honest, when it's appropriate, bring it up. I like the 1st commenter's idea of making your views known when a movie (or the news) brings up such a topic. Be as firm as you actually feel about it. Or there may be the tendency that he may thing you might change your mind down the road.
Pretty simple. Ask him what his views on Jesus are. If he's not a Christian, he's going to have a hard time understanding your position, regardless, and besides, he's probably not marriage material, considering how seriously you take the whole morality end of your faith. If he is Christian, he'll understand.
All in all, this really has little to do with sex life and everything to do with faith, amirite?
Honestly, I think you should just sit him down and talk to him.
Say, "Look, I know it's early in our relationship, but this has been bearing on my mind - there's an important piece of me that I need you to be able to accept and respect before we can move forward." Then explain what you feel and why. Don't beat around the bush - that's not fair to either one of you. It will make him think that you're afraid to speak your mind, not completely open in communication with him, or worse, insincere in your vow of chastity. It's also unfair to you, because it shows a lack of certainty and pride in your choice.
Plus if he decides he can't live with it, there will be much less heartache for you now than later.
I'd say you should tell him as soon as possible. When discussing this matter, make sure you're concise and honest with him, and make sure that you know exactly what he's feeling/thinking (when the discussion ends). If he can't respect the fact that you want to wait, this guy isn't worth being with!
I agree with telling him up front. I know that it is a serious topic to have so early in the relationship, but this is a good thing! Your virginity and your principles are very important to you, and he should know what your standards are. You will know if he is a possible candidate for the long run depending on what his response is.
Good luck, and I am proud of you for being one of the few people in the world today who takes sex and intimacy very seriously and is committing that part of your life to Christ. =)
Wait until you two are talking about sex, or until sex naturally fits into your conversation. Then explain your views to him.
If you are the type of person to dress provocatively or to tell dirty jokes, this information will be a surprise to him. But if your life reflects your desire to wait until marriage, I don't think he'll be surprised, and I think he'll respect your honesty and openness with him.
@FireMapleSong@xanga - Actually, no, I don't think you're right at all. A Christian can be totally okay with sex before marriage; a non-Christian may have his own reasons for wanting to save himself for his wedding night. A non-Christian, too, may be open and accepting to her viewpoint even if he doesn't necessarily share it. And hetero-faith relationships and marriages can work out. Yes, it's hard, but relationships are hard. There's no reason a Christian couldn't find love and happiness with a non-Christian, unless she specifically knows she isn't strong enough to handle it (which is fine, but don't automatically say it's not right for her when you don't know!)
Just sit down with him one day and tell him. There's nothing wrong with it. If he cares about you at all, then he'll respect your opinion. If he doesn't, then at least you found out earlier, when you're less emotionally attached, than later. You can act on it from there.
Besides, how do you know he's not waiting too? =)
i think you are better off being very straight forward about this early on in the relationship. Â opposed to both people being upset down the road because of different expectations.
And hetero-faith relationships and marriages can work out. Yes, it's hard, but relationships are hard.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Yeah. I know someone whose parents are Jewish and Christian, and I know another couple whose political preferences are at opposite ends of the spectrum.
People can surprise you.
You just never know what kind of people are compatible.
Like all the other people said, tell him straightforward. It doesn't matter whether a guy is intelligent or not. Even with hints, some refuse to believe the hints and go about believing what they want to believe.
"I'm waiting till I'm married to have sex"
If he doesn't respect that, that's his problem.
At one point, I wrote my boyfriend a letter...well, I didn't want to give it to him at first. I said all those things that were hard to actually say, abstinence included. And after talking with a female friend of mine, I decided to give it to him. I think it meant a lot to him, and it was a great way to start a conversation after he read it. It's important not to hide some things, and this is one of them. Don't be afraid to discuss it more after you tell him, because it's a big opportunity for your relationship to grow.
You go, girl, for not compromising your morals.
It won't matter...if he really loves you he won't care.
Also, you should just mention it during a movie or something where there is a romantic scene...
good luck!
You could tell him that you respect yourself, and that the relationship might be stronger if that's something you wait on. If he really is the right person for you, I think he'll understand and wait.
if he feel that waiting till you're ready to have sex is a waste of his time, then he's just in for the sex and everything he had said to you about the way he feels is a lie.
it's very simple, just tell him straight that you want to wait till you're ready, whenever that may be. granted, it's not going to stop him from trying to make you feel you're ready, so be careful. good luck.