This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader. I've been dating a guy for a few months. We are about two hours apart
from each other now, but things are going great! We get along well and can talk about things that bother us without getting mad or
upset at each other. He's a great person with a big heart and I know
that he cares a lot for me.
I am moving about 18 hours away,
and he's expressed great interest in wanting to come with me. In fact, he
doesn't talk about "if" he comes, he talks about "when" he comes.
However, because school is starting, I have to move out about two months
before he does. I have no doubt that he wants to move with me, and I
want him to as well.
I surprised him with a visit yesterday even though he wasn't in a
very good mood because of some things going on in his life.
But despite
that, he still managed to be civil and treat me very well. I talked
with him about what was bothering him, and he told me there were a
couple of things, one of which was that a girl that he dated at his
place of employment who (his exact words) he cared for a lot, but used
him, cheated on him and treated him like shit was coming back to work
there. He isn't too excited about her return.
I asked him if he still cared for her, and he said no, just that
there were a lot of things that were unresolved, which is completely understandable, and I appreciate his feeling like he can be honest with
me about the whole situation.
I'm afraid of her trying to get him back.
I trust him completely, but I do know how it is to have someone you
once cared for come back into your life - sometimes feelings may resurface, especially after previous issues get
resolved. Obviously, I don't want those feelings to come back, seeing as we are together now.
I explained my fears to him: that I was afraid she'd try to
get him back, that those past feelings may return. He replied, "what
are you trying to say?" I said that I really like him, and that I want
things to continue. I'm afraid of losing him, I guess, especially because
I will be 18 hours away, and visits will be hard to do in those two
months we are apart.
These thoughts may all be premature, because I don't know what her
intentions are or will be - or his, for that matter. I think our
feelings for each other can outlast any issues there, but there's still that "what if"
thought that radiates in my head.
How do I tell him how I feel? Is she still a threat even though she
treated him so poorly? Do I just let it go, be confident in what we
have and not worry?
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Comments (20)
tell him exactly what you just wrote here, or have him read this blog. in general, guys are blockheads, tho some are really sensitive, so it's good that you are straight forward with him. the odds are, he's with you already. if he wanted to cheat, he's gonna do it whether with an ex or a different chick.
if that chick used and abused him, the chances are that he's more angry/frustrated at her than wanting to get with her...unless she's really really hot.(sorry)
just talk to the guy. if he cares about you, he'll talk to you.
If you've expressed your concerns and made it clear that you want to keep him, you've done all you can do.
If, at the end of the day, he chooses to go back to someone who mistreated him, then he's not the guy for you.
i know how you feel. i get really uncomfortable seeing, or hearing from my boyfriend's ex. i can relate to your fears. i tell my boyfriend anytime something bothers me, but he always just reassures me that i should just trust him. my boyfriend says, "if i wanted to be with another girl, i would've left you a long time ago" but we've been going 3 years strong.
if he's understanding like you say he is, just tell him how you feel. let him read this blog - i do that with my boyfriend - 'cause sometimes it's hard for me to say things without crying, then i end up breakin' up my sentences! haha
there's always different sides to everything.
1.) She could still possibly be a threat just to USE him again. But i doubt he'd be stupid enough to fall for that
2.) If she cheated on him, she probably was done with him. & doesn't need him anymore.
But if you two have something great together, why would he want to give that up?
Yannoe, even though my bf and i have been together for 3 years, i still have my "what if's" and doubts. But I just keep in mind all the great things he's done for me. & That's how I gain my confidence in us.
You have the right to worry, but learn to trust him.
I agree with what 'wewong' said above, have him read this blog and yes, the chances of him cheating on you with a girl who once broke his heart are slim since he would possibly feel more angry/frustrated than wanting her back. What I don't understand is what are these 'unresolved issues' he still has with his ex. If it has ended, what is there more to talk about? She cheated, used him, treated him like shit, and that's it. Does he mean revenge?
From what I have just read, it seems your relationship is really working out and if it is really true what you have said as stated above, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You guys are open with each other and feelings are strong. The trust is there and that's what you have to rely on really, especially with long distance.
You have told him how afraid you were about him cheating on you/getting back with his ex and he said 'what are you trying to say'? That I did not understand?
Also, he knows exactly how it feels to be crushed by someone you care about so if he dares do the exact same thing to you i.e. cheat on you with his ex, then he just really isn't worth it and from what you have said above, it does't seem like he is the kind of person to do such a thing as he should know exactly how horrible it feels.
All I can say is Good Luck and I really hope things turn out well :)
P.S. I am going through just about what you are going through at the moment but just a little bit different, not really the long distance thing (though sometimes I travel and am away for about 2-3 months) and also, yesterday I met my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend of 3 yrs for the first time (it wasn't intentional) and she looked at me as if I was some skank and completely ignored me and talked to only my boyfriend and he didn't want to say much either. It didn't go well. It wasEXTREMELY awkward. Oh. And they're relationship ended because she cheated on him x number of times.
He seems like a good guy. He's honest and upfront with you, and the fact that he wants to move to be with you shows that he is putting you first. I doubt you have anything to worry about. You can't control what the ex does, but I think you can trust your guy to be faithful to you.
i give him credit for even telling you because some guys arent open enough to say things like that.
Tell him your worries and have some trust in him and your relationship. If he's a great guy like you said, there shouldn't be much to worry about. The two months will hopefully go by quickly.
@wewong@xanga - you could just trust him.
Have a little more faith in yourself and your guy. Your doubts are going to eat you up insanely. By showing your guy that you are confident in him and have more faith in him, he would stick closer to you. Don't worry about the ex, she's an ex for a reason unless your guy's a total bigot.
If she's anything like a certain couple of females I know, she WILL try to get him back.
And if he's anything like a certain guy I know, despite all the hurt and pain, those unresolved issues become something they can chat about. And once those become resolved, he could see that things are different and want to be with her again.
OR she realizes she cheated on him for a good reason, and even if she DOES try to get back with him, the hurt is too great...they resolve the issues and he leaves her to come live with you.
Just talk to him. Tell him you don't want to seem insecure or nagging, but that you don't know her and, therefore, don't trust her. Ask him if he thinks that she might try to get back together with him. Ask him how he would feel if he did.
Either way, good luck!
You should talk to him, and if he really cares about you, he should understand where you're coming from. It's that simple. No one should insinuate anything. As long as you're being civilized about the conversation and you don't start acting like he's being unfaithful already, everything should be ok. If he gets all dramatic about you blaming something on him, I don't think you should care. He should listen to you. I've had a similar talk in the past with my gf, and although it had nothing to do with an ex, I understood where she was coming from.
Too soon, too fast, and too furious.
I'm not sure what to say about this situation.
On one hand: it isn't likely that he'd ruin what the two of you have because you treat him so much better than his ex did.
On the other hand: if he's still hurting over the fact that she cheated on him, then it's likely he still has some sort of feelings for her.
Whether he hates her or still cares about her, strong feelings on either end indicate he may not be over her. Tell him your fears and insecurities but trust him and his judgment.
Trust yourself too. Things will work out exactly the way that they should.
Hope everything goes in your favor :)
Just trust him. Two months really isn't that long; you guys should talk about your insecurities and discuss some solutions to how he can reassure you. I'm sure things will be fine :)
Trust is the key to a successful relationship. You've got to trust him and believe that things will all work out. After all, it is just two months, which really isn't a long period of time. If he cheats on you when you are only not physically with him for two months, you have nothing to worry about, because this guy isnt worth your time and love.
Having said that, I am not trying to say that he will cheat. I hope he doesnt, but just in case if he did, you know he isnt the right one.
Everybody has a fear for losing their loved ones, but dont let that fear worry you too much. talk to him.
honesty is always the best policy.
It sounds to me you've already let him know your concerns and though they are understandable you can not let them run your thoughts. He said he no longer cared for her and regardless of what you think you know about the situation he's being put in, you need to trust him. Being afraid and paranoid and constantly talking to him about it or torchering yourself thinking about the 'what ifs' will do much more harm than good (not to mention it will hurt him and make him question your feelings if he somehow gets the idea that you may not trust him) I'm sure things will be fine, especially since it was the girl who broke his heart and treated him terribly; I mean (no offense) but unless the guy is a total moron, I doubt he'll leave something good for something he knows was bad and could do him wrong again
Basically, relax.
She can try all she wants to get him back but but if he loves you and wants to be with you then he will not let it effect him. Even though men have a penis they can still make rational decisions and it takes two people to be in a relationship. Trust him until he gives you a reason not to. He has already told you what she did to him and that he is no longer interested in her. If he wanted to keep it a secret he wouldn't have bothered to tell you that she is coming back to work there. Be confident in your relationship as long as you don't have a reason not to be. Being jealous and suspicious will just end up driving him away.
You sound like you are trying to convince yourself of something.
You know the answer already, honestly.Your gut doesn't fail you.
If it is meant to be, it will be, so let it be.