This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.About a year ago, I started hanging out with a guy from work. At first,
it was with other people from work, but they just didn't click with us
and eventually we started hanging out on our own.
Now, I think to
teenagers nowadays, "hanging out" means something totally different
so I want to clarify - we really were just hanging out. Playing Guitar
Hero or other video games, board games, watching cheesy movies. Through
some events, we became really close and he became my best friend.
I have always had mainly guy friends, so this wasn't weird or
anything, and I never developed feelings for any of them. But, after a
few months, I noticed that I was almost...living for our moments
together. They were the best times I was having. My current boyfriend
and I had been doing badly for a while, and this was just like an escape.
We were spending every moment together that we weren't at work, talking
on IM or...doing whatever. Anything. We just clicked.
About 4 months ago, he told me that "if things were different" he
would totally date me. He has said many times that I seem like I would
be the perfect girlfriend, and he doesn't know why my current boyfriend
(we're breaking up now...he's not even in the picture)
couldn't see that. He has told me that I am gorgeous, and he had never told a girl that before.....because he is gay.
Or, at least he has never been with a girl. He had some bad luck
with girls when he was in high school, and said he was just more
comfortable with guys so...that's what he did. I know that he looks at
girls, but only kinda, and he is pretty awkward around them.
I have extremely strong feelings for him. I would do anything for
him, and do anything to spend a moment with him. I still see him as a
friend that I can talk to about anything, but sometimes I look at him
and I see that it could be so much more. His boyfriend tells him all
the time that he is fat or doesn't take care of himself and generally
just puts him down. He won't even let him go public with their
relationship, and they have been together for, like, three years now.
I KNOW that I could treat him better, but he is so scared to leave
his boyfriend and "be alone". And not to mention...the sex
part....would I even make him happy that way?
What would you do? He is giving me such strong signals about liking
me, but at the same time is gay.
Do I try to pursue this? Do I tell him
how I feel? I am so afraid that I will lose him as a friend.
Comments (138)
WOW, I want to thank EVERYONE for the wonderful advice you have given me. I am posting this anonymously because I still have no idea if he or anyone he knows reads Xanga and might recognize me.
It is hard to come to terms with these feelings. I value his friendship, and we are extremely close. He is totally my emotional backbone, and he was before I ever had feelings for him.I have been trying to find the right way the last couple of days to tell him. I'm just so afraid he is going to say something bad and not want to be my friend anymore. It has been since last March when we just found that connection really fast, and losing it would be...I can't even think about it....
I am prepared to get this off my chest. The worst that could happen is that he wouldn't want to talk to me anymore, and like someone already said, that just means out friendship wasn't strong enough in the first place.
Thank you all again. It has been a relief knowing that other people went through this and understand. Wish me luck =)
would you rather not know and always just 'be friends' or spend the rest of your life wondering 'if..."
awwwwwww!!! i really wish i could advise on you on this kind of situation, but i'm bi, not gay. just listen to your heart. take some time out for yourself and really think about this. this is important, so don't just treat it like a mediocre problem. that's all i can really say. best wishes,
thatkidwiththepurplebackpack
this exact thing happened to me last year. except... i didn't know he was gay and spent the entire year falling in deeper and deeper. all of our friends (we have the exact same circle of good buddies) thought it was a sure thing, a done deal. finally i told him how i felt and it was then that he came out to me. our friendship is even stronger now, but people are sort of confused by it because they still think we're mad about each other. we ARE, but platonically.
anyway, my advice... don't do it. it might not turn out favourably-- i was surprised my situation did. and you don't want to lose what sounds like an amazing friend.
well the first thing that needs to happen is to get this destructive force (i.e. the boyfriend who puts him down) out of the picture, help him build up some self-esteem! as for dating...personally i would let him know and see if he is willing to try a relationship. i know from personal experience that it can be really hard letting a friend know that you are in love with them, i did so recently and was turned down (though we both are gay) but we are still friends. i wont go as far to say close friends because we have never been close friends, but our relationship hasn't changed a bit.i am by no means a handsome boy, but if any of my friends have crushes on me i want to know, i want to be able to reciprocate the crush, or help my friends finds someone who will be there for them like they deserve. after all what are friends for if not unconditional love?
Yeah, those situations suck - I've been in a somewhat similar one.
Depending on the person, sexuality can be flexible. If he's your best friend, it couldn't hurt to tell him, as long as you make sure to mention that you know it probably wouldn't work out. That way, at least, the door is open if he wants to go through it. Just don't get your hopes up that he will.
WOW..i am new here..I hope you will tell us the outcome of this confession?
ive had A guy Best Friend for 8 years now and i love him and will always love him i wouldnt know what to do without him but he is gay he sometimes makes me think he isnt and most times i wish he wasnt but i figure if he is happy i will leave him be happy no matter how much i wish he wasnt gay i want him to be happy so i will leave it up to him if he wants to presue anything :)
Good luck to you
My ex-boyfriend, Ryan is best friends with a Lesbian, Valerie, they are always together. In fact, they even live together now. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if Ryan is deeply in love with Valerie because they seem so close. It kinda makes me think of Will & Grace only reversed. (lol)
I think that you should tell your best friend how you feel, and maybe he might actually be straight. Who knows? Go for it. I doubt if he is saying those things that he would stop being your best friend.
wow finally i figured out a way to sign in and post a comment!
i too have a man in my life who is gay but i care for him with all of my heart. His name is Jacob :)
i am a somewhat straight
19 year old female, and he is also 19 as well. we met when we were 15 at high school and our bond was unmistakable. and, througout the years proved to be unbreakable.
I am not going to lie. i think i loved him from the beginning. and i too spent hours- no YEARS wondering about this and wondering about that. wondering why on earth had i found someone so perfect for me in every way except for that one thing that would complete it all?
He was gay i was straight. never would happen///
But, time moved on and our relationship grew. our bond deepened and our friendship strengthened.. i became a part of his family we WERE CLOSE...
his mom was the one who actually started hinting that there may be more to him than i thought.. she told me to seduce him and everything! i just laughed it off cause we had conversations before, and he always said the same thing. girls are gross! ew. but... something about me? .. i dunno . i dunno what the deciding factor was. but, out of nowhere one day.. .
He said he wanted to try the whole sex thing- but not completely , orally. Well, this continued for about a year and of course u can imagine my mental and emotional turmoil that took place. Questions upon questions-- willl our relationship ever progress? etc etc
anyway we did stop talking for awhile but i dunno. the love was there/ and thennnnn out of nowhere he took me to mcdonalds one day. and decided to ask me- "u know what. ive been thinking for the past couple months and ive been talking to my mom and stuff and u r a nice person and u love me and we already know were gonna be in each others lives for the rest of our lives... so. Do u want to hae a baby?" WHATTTTTTTTTT right . i ran out of the store i was flabergasted. little did i know that he never revealed everything he was thinking about the way our relationship was progressing throughout the years.. what he showed me was only negative negative negative- no i cant go that far no i cant do this and i cant do that. but i think he wasnt sure himself and he didnt want to give me false hope. until he was ready/. and it took him a couple years but whatever. i am 7 months pregnant due in march having a girl; and he is absolutely amazing. we r moving in and i must confess i jumped the gun and proposed to him but yeah we r gonna hold off on that for now. I know that he sees other men, and im ok with that.. because thats what i know him for- thats who he was befor i came into the picture so why should he change? he is fine with me and other guys as he has always been. ( once the babys born). i am that ONE GIRL he can be with- the only one he tells me. and he just so happens to be the ONE for me. it IS odd but love, love comes at u from all over the place and this felt real right from the start.
im not saying im at an ideal point in my relationship- i m not. but i can be patient because ive waited all these years and look at all the memories and now theres a baby? and yeah/
i duno; my point is that u NEVER KNOW WHAT HE IS THINKING. jacob didnt want to tell me his whole thought process because he didnt want to hurt me by involving me in it.. whos to say ur friend isnt the same? its all about being flexible though. and open minded. and patient. as for the sex thing yeah ok a dick suck is a dick suck. but if u really want it u have to GO THERE because of the situation u have to GO TO THAT POINT AND PLACE In ur relationship and if it ever reaches it then great. but its not something that can be rushed. he might not want to kiss or anything. or he might only want to kiss. like i said, u may be freinds for a couple years b4 anything starts to happen. so the bast i can do (for now) is say that maintain ur friendship above all. every good relationshiop supposedly started on a friendship right? well in this case it is a necessity. maintain ur friendship and love urself b4 u love him./ live ur own life. and if u r sincerely not bothered by wat goes on behind his closed doors, then dont let him be about what goes on behind yours. no need to flaunt ur relationship around or get too caught up in the whole sex issue. who knows. u may even turn out to like guy on guy- which DOESNT ALWAYS MEAN gay on gay.
yeah just be casual and take a deep breath. talk 2 him with SIMPLICITY in mind- no need to overload every little thot u have about this and about that into his head. half of that wont even mean a thing.
and the whole bf thing, well stay with him if u like. but dont let ur friendship w this guy go away and continue to spend time w him/ u will know what is right in the moment if something happens to come up or something happens to be said, go with ur gut. OR NOT! take a day or a weekend. HAVE FUN WITH IT THO because if marriage isnt in ur cards then it definately wil be an experience to be cherished and not forgotten....
all the best i hope u post something else up..
XOXO merry christmas! <3 Candycane.
all of my friends are gay guys! every single one of them.
but recently i have fell for one of my friends. we used to hate eachother then became so close so fast it was weird. id love to tell him how i feel but it would never happen...because he is gay!! im just thankful that i have someone 2 make me smile. if i was you id forget it and carry on just being friends. enjoy him as he is and you will be happier, believe me. xxx
If he is your bestfriend then he will understand where you are coming from and let you know what he wants to do about the situation. I just started dating my bestfriend of 4 years, and I couldnt be happier. All I want is for him to be happy, he deserves the best. If you feel the same way let him know that you want him to be happy and you think that he will be much happier without his current boyfriend. Let him know that you will be there for him no matter what.