This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.About a year ago, I started hanging out with a guy from work. At first,
it was with other people from work, but they just didn't click with us
and eventually we started hanging out on our own.
Now, I think to
teenagers nowadays, "hanging out" means something totally different
so I want to clarify - we really were just hanging out. Playing Guitar
Hero or other video games, board games, watching cheesy movies. Through
some events, we became really close and he became my best friend.
I have always had mainly guy friends, so this wasn't weird or
anything, and I never developed feelings for any of them. But, after a
few months, I noticed that I was almost...living for our moments
together. They were the best times I was having. My current boyfriend
and I had been doing badly for a while, and this was just like an escape.
We were spending every moment together that we weren't at work, talking
on IM or...doing whatever. Anything. We just clicked.
About 4 months ago, he told me that "if things were different" he
would totally date me. He has said many times that I seem like I would
be the perfect girlfriend, and he doesn't know why my current boyfriend
(we're breaking up now...he's not even in the picture)
couldn't see that. He has told me that I am gorgeous, and he had never told a girl that before.....because he is gay.
Or, at least he has never been with a girl. He had some bad luck
with girls when he was in high school, and said he was just more
comfortable with guys so...that's what he did. I know that he looks at
girls, but only kinda, and he is pretty awkward around them.
I have extremely strong feelings for him. I would do anything for
him, and do anything to spend a moment with him. I still see him as a
friend that I can talk to about anything, but sometimes I look at him
and I see that it could be so much more. His boyfriend tells him all
the time that he is fat or doesn't take care of himself and generally
just puts him down. He won't even let him go public with their
relationship, and they have been together for, like, three years now.
I KNOW that I could treat him better, but he is so scared to leave
his boyfriend and "be alone". And not to mention...the sex
part....would I even make him happy that way?
What would you do? He is giving me such strong signals about liking
me, but at the same time is gay.
Do I try to pursue this? Do I tell him
how I feel? I am so afraid that I will lose him as a friend.
Comments (138)
I say launch out and tell him how you feel. It is similar here as to the story about the girl who had a boyfriend, but then they broke up, only a few years later, to see this ex-beau ready to get engaged and married, and she still had feelings for him. I advised that girl that she should tell her now-newly-engaged-ex how she felt, and I advise the same here. What can it hurt? If he rejects you, at least you will know. If you refuse to tell him how you feel, you will never know, and the angst at not knowing and not trying will eat at you, and, as others have said, cause problems for the friendship and relationship later. Further, if you tell him, and it ends the friendship and relationship, then maybe he wasn't the friend you thought him to be.
Launch out into the deep and give it a try.
Support him like he supported you when your boyfriend was being awful. Let things slip about how you feel. Test the waters before jumping in and telling him everything.
He could be bi, thinking he is gay. My 'gay' friend had the same situation.Â
I think you should NOT tell him. If anything, wait until he is single. Because the fact that he has a boyfriend (and yes, maybe his boyfriend is not the best match for him, but he is STILL his boyfriend) means that you shouldn't get involved. I say definitely tell him (real friends, even though it may get awkward for a little while, will remain friends after a confession of love) but wait until he is single.
And I speak from experience. Try not to implode until then. Good luck!!!
oohho then this cud be a good thing... if he changed his mind about "would've dated you" ... this would be cool, you being the first and ONLY gal...
that would be easy. lol...
but then again if he has been gay for so long... eh, it is too hard for him to just change suddenly and go for you... i would just hnag onto his friendship to the end. Maybe then, things will change. He will change...
I think you at least need to help him see what a jerk his boyfriend is.
Its always funny how people are very black and white about things. Gay or straight. The way you describe this guy seems like he just hasn't had luck with girls. And he always got along with guys. That has no bearing on whether you are gay or not. Being gay is a sexual preference. There are guys out there who haven't gotten along with women but they know they are straight. And even if he is, unless he has slept with women and doesn't get aroused or isn't comfortable sexually with women, how do you know he wouldn't be? There are people who are bisexual. Is there a chance your friend could be bi? You know your friend more than I do so I guess you have to make that judgement.
But look at Brokeback Mountain. Everyone says its about gay men. But its not. Both those characters were bisexual, and even the actors and writers said so. The reason they were together is because they felt compatible together. From what you have said it seems like you share some compatibility with your best friend. I would talk with him about it and tell him how you feel.
If he is gay he is gay. But I think you should let him know your feelings, unless doing so will cause a lot of damage/pain. Its usually good to express the feelings you are having.
1. i think you should tell him.
and 2. teenagers think hanging out is hanging out. it's nothing else. so... yeahs. unless we say like.. we're dating or something then it's more. just to clarify. :]
but yeahs.. u don't reallie wanna ruin ur friendship... but u should tell him anyway incase there's a chance :]
maybe he's bi and doesn't realize it
You know, I really think that if he felt he could be with you & it would work, then he would be. There must be something that is not clicking for him on some level no matter how close you are and it's very easy for you to feel this way for him because you are consciously attracted to men, but the same isn't true for him of women (according to him). I had a very close friend who was gay who constantly made comments about how he had deep feelings for me emotionally and it would be so wonderful if I were a guy, if he were a girl, or if he were straight. The point was though that no matter how close we were emotionally the fact that he was a gay man who wasn't particularly sexually attracted to women - or at least to me - was a deal breaker. I'd say put it in the 'wouldn't this have been nice' bank and look for someone who will be good to you, loving, and who will be sexually attracted to you. Getting what you want from someone who likes women isn't impossible :)
I've always believed that humanity itself is naturally bisexual and thus there is no sexual orientation, only preference. I'm open to the fact that there may be the one guy out there that I'd go gay for - maybe he's open to the fact that there's one girl out there he'd go straight for. There's no harm in trying to "flip him over". Especially if his boyfriend is a dick. Maybe you both needed each other to escape from bad boyfriends, after all.
This happened to my friends, they were very much in love with each other, he's gay & she's straight, even that he loved her.. he couldn't love her completely.
Maybe this marks a forbidden love, you should stay by his side, and I am sure he will too, but definitely don't fall over.
Good luck though.
@+
oh wow hun!!! I dont know what to say. Goodluck though and I hope everything works out for you.
Heh, my first boyfriend ended up being gay...sad when that happens. Anyway, you should definitely be straight up with him. Point out how well you two flow and tell him to give it a shot for a little bit, what's the damage in that?
umm..he's gay sweetheart. I'm sorry but with a large number of my guy friends being bi or gay I know the story. If he was bi that would be a different story. But you can't turn a gay person straight.It just doesn't work like that. I don't know how to explain why it won't work with him being gay. He knows your awesome and beautiful, but its just that you have the wrong gential? (god that sounds so vulgar. Sorry) I've have some gay friend tell me, "if you were a man I would so date you" or "If I was straight I would date you". and that's all it comes down too. Having him tell you he's gay is a big NO on any sort of romantic relationship. I understand the feeling of having something on your chest and just wanting to get it out about the way you feel, but be careful about the way you do it. Think about your choice of words and how they could not only effect him but how they could also effect the relationship. Best of luck sweetie. I know this is hard = (
I most certainly think you should tell him how you feel. Atleast if you do that you won't have the "what if" questions. He will know how you feel, and then you are giving him a chance to do what he wants with that information.
is it worth it? you go thru heartache making him understand - then again thru heartache when he doesnt - YOU heal first - then no matter what words he tells you - you can do it with a clear mind - ive been there and have hurt
I think you should tell him how you feel.
you just want what you can't have. if there'd ever been the possibility of being with him, you wouldn't have grown to like him in the first place.
sounds to me like he's not as gay as he thinks.
Just because he's gay doesn't mean he's only attracted to men. It's not men liking men. It's not women liking women. It's not men liking women and men. It's not women liking men and women. It's all about people liking other people. Just give it a shot, it might help you sleep better.
:)
Is his boyfriend truly verbally abusive? Or does he just say things and joke around? Either way, don't ruin your friendship for a relationship (I know it's with him). It's not easy; he must have been going out with his boyfriend for a reason. They probably found a similar spark that you found with this person. I hope it all works out for you in the end.
Will and Grace. Nice.
I'm gay... but I like to think that if someone came along that I was really compatable with... I would be able to overlook something like... ah... gender. XD
But it's hard to say.
I don't think it's like that for most people.
wow. i'm going through almost the exact same thing. except when he came out to me, he didn't tell me all those beautiful things. what's different about my situation too is that i told him i had feeling for him about a month before he told me. things sucked for a little bit, i'm not going to lie. and sometimes it still gets painful after about half a year. (yeah, sadly i'm that much in love.) but afterwards, the honesty and getting over everything only makes our friendship stronger. he was kind enough to be honest with you, because it is difficult to come out to anyone, so he does deserve the same from you. tell him how you feel. it will ultimately end in heartbreak, but there's no other way for it to end right? if you get it all out, you'll have a more time to stop thinking about what would have happened and start moving on. friends break your heart. beest friends break your heart and put it back together again too.
good luck with whatever you decide to do. i know it hard, believe me. i'm so there.