This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I've recently started dating a divorced man, and his ex doesn't like me
at all.
He's got a two family house; he lives downstairs and his best friend lives upstairs. When I visited the house, she came over with her two-year-old daughter in tow and started yelling in my
face.
Their daughter started to cry because of the noise, so I asked if Miss Ex could tone down her
voice so her daughter wouldn't get upset. She did stop, but shortly
thereafter, she started yelling again and came at me.
He held her back - not
forcefully, of course - and she spat in my face. I calmly asked her to
back away from me as I didn't want her daughter to start crying again
from all the screaming. She did and told me to get the hell out of her
house because she didn't want me around her daughter. I told her I'd leave if
she calmed down enough to stop the baby from crying. I
don't believe in having arguments in front of any children whatsoever. She did and I left.
She's made many threatening comments to her ex
about how she would kill him, me and then herself (so she
wouldn't get in trouble). I have a MySpace, and she's sent me
threatening messages and told her family members to do so as well.
As you can tell, she's extremely immature, and to put your child in
a situation where there would potentially be screaming/yelling/violence
is unacceptable to me. I want to tell her that I'm not there to take her
child away or to be another mother to her, which is what I feel she's
thinking.
I know I did the right thing by not sending her to the hospital
after she spat in my face, but I feel like I should've done something
else. Violence clearly isn't the answer, but I still feel like there
should've been something else I could have done.
I know she loves her daughter, and I don't want to hurt their
relationship by contacting the authorities and having her removed, but I
can't stand her anymore.
When I told her other family members about my relationship with my
current boyfriend, I told them that if they really knew him or his ex,
they would have known about the problems they were having. I've told them that trying to attack me won't do any good because I could take those messages and go to the police
station and have a restraining order put on them all. The rest of the
family stopped, but she hasn't.
Again, I don't want to contact the authorities, because I still want
her to see her daughter, but what can I do to make all these threats
stop? HELP!
Comments (65)
Why are you having to do this all by yourself? I think the guy should help out and from your description he did the minimum amount of work. The moment she started yelling in your face, he should have told her to leave like a man. I can't believe he just let her do that to you. This relationship is so not worth it. That guy is so not worth it. He's a divorcee; you could do so much better.
LEAVE HIM?
call the police!! you said you don't want her to see her child yet she is setting a terrible example being violent around her poor daughter by threatening you and spitting in your face! i can only imagine what she does to the poor kid when no one is around.
call the poilice and stop dicking around!
<3
wow! that's dangerous.
not one bit close to my ex troubles. we're both hated for no reason, but you really need to sort out your priorities. i'd leave him if he brought me those kind of troubles. or, if you can't, reccommend her to her nearest psychiatric ward =P
Get out of that relationship. No amount of love for him could possibly outweigh the abuse that you're receiving from his ex-wife. It's not a healthy relationship by any means--she's obviously not going to leave you alone--especially since the two of them share a child. I think you're a strong person, but no one is strong enough to take on this kind of life. Even though your boyfriend and his ex are divorced--they will always be together by way of the child. Thus, she will never leave you alone. Just break things off with him--I mean, he doesn't seem to be doing much to keep her from attacking you, right? You don't deserve any of this, so get out and leave it alone. Find someone without so much baggage.
call child services on the crazy bitch!
what is the boyfriend doing in all of this? standing there? why is he letting you take all this harassment, from the ENTIRE family? his ex & family are so freaking immature, they are DIVORCED
@sleepyhead - i agree.
I'd say place a restraining order against her. It won't get her child taken away unless she doesn't stop - and that'd be her fault. Either way, she's never going to dissappear from the situation. She is his "baby's Mama" and will be forever... I suggest you get out... or deal with the extra baggage.
What is your partner doing to stop this? Is he aware of it? If he is, he should be telling her to fck off.
If he's just letting it happen, either he is a coward, or he isn't worth your time.
Either way, you have to consider whether or not he is worth so much hassle. And you also have to consider whether you want to let his ex have the satisfaction of the two of you splitting up - this all depends on how much you like the person.
Obviously, you shouldn't stay with him just because you want to piss her off, but if he's aware of the situation and isn't dealing with it accordingly, then you need to have a re-think.
while it does sound that she's being immature and has anger problems, I really cant believe you just stood there calmly and talked rationally while she yelled at you.
I dont think I could give a good evaluation of what to do until the story itself is reasonable.
So I was in a similar situation as you, but on the opposite side. I had an ex who I was still kind of involved with when he started dating this other girl, who claimed she was a friend of mine. I had a lot of issues with her mainly because she had a single white female complex. But anyways, I was trying to be friends with my ex, mainly because he was in all of my classes and insisted on hanging around me all the time. But she couldn't understand the fact that I didn't want anything to do with her. I really didn't want her trying to be my friend, and I didn't really want her around me at all. Long story short she harrassed me to the point (I'm not saying you were ever doing that to this lady, this just applies to my case) where I didn't hesitate to tell her off in public. I could say whatever I wanted to her in front of my ex and he never stood up for her. Not once. Since then they have gotten married, he's told a mutual friend of all of ours that he was in love with her, and he still contacts me every now and then and tells her it's me contacting him because I'm still in love with him. And if I so choose, which I tested, I can still say whatever I want to about her to him and he doesn't stand up for her. Obviously those two have some serious issues and I can only forsee that as being the case with you if you stay with this guy.
The problem is that he's not defending you. He's not putting a stop to it. In fact he's showing no indication that he cares at all. Guys by nature don't really care to put themselves in the middle of "girl drama." But based on my experience this guy is not telling you or his ex the whole story. Something is going on there. The fact that she says that it's her house when it's his, should send up a huge red flag to you. No matter what you do she obviously feels threatened in some way. Possibly because she's trying to work things out with him. Who knows? The point is, is that you don't need that in your life. Is the guy really worth it for you to take that abuse? And if you do anything to this woman (i.e. child services, restraining order, etc.) do you honestly think that will solve anything? Honestly I think it will provoke her more and, like me, just back out of the situation as best as you can. Crazy people, like that, need to thrive on something. If not you, it will be someone else. And if you do anything, you're most likely always going to be the villain to that little girl, by taking her mom away, or not letting her parents work through whatever it is they need to work through.
I think the most important thing to let her know is just what you said: you're not interested in taking her place in the child's life.
That being said, she's probably jealous. Perhaps the relationship didn't end because she wanted it to; rather, he probably ended it because of her volatile behavior. If this is the case, the problem is that she's not over the relationship. Moreover, she probably feels like he's taunting her because they live in the same house, practically, and she has to watch him as he moves on.
You should let him know that he needs to speak to her and let her know this kind of behavior is unacceptable. He needs to realize that he is just as culpable as she is if he allows her to disrespect you -- that's not a good way to start a new relationship.
And let her know, as well, that you won't tolerate her behavior and that you will, if necessary, seek legal remedy. Once she's been warned, it's up to her to change her behavior. If her ex's new relationship really worth losing her child?
It's really nice that you're being considerate but you need to look out for what's best for you in this situation. Like some have already mentioned.. Is this relationship worth all of this? You didn't mention any indication of his involvement to repress the situation apart from holding her back, so I'm speculating here but he really needs to put his foot down and HARD and if he is failing to do this, leave this situation altogether..
Honestly since she's immature it's unlikely that her behaviour will stop as you mentioned. Perhaps it's better to get out before this escalates and hurts you more than you already must be..
All the best with it!
Tell the authorities and show them the stuff.
If anything you can get a restraining order on her. But she doesn't sound mature enough to give her child a good upbringing anyway.
call. the. police.
make statements, contact authorities, do everything. pushing that off will only make things worse in the long run. she has NO excuse to treat you, her ex, or her child that way. period.