This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I've recently started dating a divorced man, and his ex doesn't like me
at all.
He's got a two family house; he lives downstairs and his best friend lives upstairs. When I visited the house, she came over with her two-year-old daughter in tow and started yelling in my
face.
Their daughter started to cry because of the noise, so I asked if Miss Ex could tone down her
voice so her daughter wouldn't get upset. She did stop, but shortly
thereafter, she started yelling again and came at me.
He held her back - not
forcefully, of course - and she spat in my face. I calmly asked her to
back away from me as I didn't want her daughter to start crying again
from all the screaming. She did and told me to get the hell out of her
house because she didn't want me around her daughter. I told her I'd leave if
she calmed down enough to stop the baby from crying. I
don't believe in having arguments in front of any children whatsoever. She did and I left.
She's made many threatening comments to her ex
about how she would kill him, me and then herself (so she
wouldn't get in trouble). I have a MySpace, and she's sent me
threatening messages and told her family members to do so as well.
As you can tell, she's extremely immature, and to put your child in
a situation where there would potentially be screaming/yelling/violence
is unacceptable to me. I want to tell her that I'm not there to take her
child away or to be another mother to her, which is what I feel she's
thinking.
I know I did the right thing by not sending her to the hospital
after she spat in my face, but I feel like I should've done something
else. Violence clearly isn't the answer, but I still feel like there
should've been something else I could have done.
I know she loves her daughter, and I don't want to hurt their
relationship by contacting the authorities and having her removed, but I
can't stand her anymore.
When I told her other family members about my relationship with my
current boyfriend, I told them that if they really knew him or his ex,
they would have known about the problems they were having. I've told them that trying to attack me won't do any good because I could take those messages and go to the police
station and have a restraining order put on them all. The rest of the
family stopped, but she hasn't.
Again, I don't want to contact the authorities, because I still want
her to see her daughter, but what can I do to make all these threats
stop? HELP!
Comments (65)
Have you thought about possibly leaving him if your going through all this trouble just to date this guy?
@SleepyHead - I agree.
I'm wondering also if this guy really cares about you. :\ Because if he hasn't said anything to his ex in terms of being with you, then that means he may not have much regard for your feelings. :\
If this is what it takes to be with said guy, then maybe you should leave him.
your bf definitely needs to take out the trash...or you need to hit the road
Call the cops... or get away from that family. It won't ever leave you alone.
@dannyjo@xanga - Here, here.
Poster:
While I commend you on not wanting to involve the authorities, it would be proper if she is this volatile of a person that you alert the proper facilities to the possible threat to the child. She has shown to you she can be physically violent, who is to say she doesn't do this to her child, or may in the future?
Regarding the relationship with this man (and his ex) itself, you speak of the problems *you* are having with this woman, where does he come in? Is he stepping up to defend you, making his ex leave when she causes problems, trying to subdue the situation by avoiding both of you together, taking procedures to have a better relationship with his ex to have a good relationship with his daughter?
If this man isn't taking any measures to "deal" with his ex and help facilitate this new relationship to function with the old one, and his daughter, then he isn't worth it. People don't change, and you're always going to be experiencing these issues with the ex, even if they do become passive aggressive....
BAGGAGE....and ur not even at the airport. kick him to the curb.
I don't think that the problems are going to stop to be honest.
You said you started "recently" dating - how recent?If it's only been a few weeks, months at most I would either 1) have a very, very serious talk with him about his ex's behavior and take steps to document her threatsor
2) Make life easier on myself and leave him. I know it's not his fault his ex is scary but no man should be worth putting up with a couple of death threats.
He needs to get her to stop. Propose an ultimatum - he makes her stop, or the authorities make her stop.
Youre bf needs to handle her. If he doesnt.....you need to drop him. Of course he came with baggage, but baggage does not mean having another person spit in your face. I commend you for taking the high road and keeping your cool. I, for sure, wouldnt have been able to do that. You should have left right when she did that, actually. Who cares if she loves her daughter.......she wants her daughter to see that kind of stuff.. so let it. She'll regret it later down the road.
Hold on a second, did you just say... She said get out of Her house??? WHy on earth are you at HER house?!
oops, your* bf
Why did she tell you to get out of her house? From what you say you were in the house that he shares with a good friend of his and you gave no indication of her living there. If your boyfriend is allowing his ex to throw you out of his house then he probably doesn't much care about you and you need to get out of the relationship.
As for whether or not she has a right to see her daughter, I think that is a matter for the courts to decide. If she will yell and scream to the point that the child starts crying then I'd say she doesn't deserve visits with her child until she can work out some of her issues, or if the does deserve visits then they need to be supervised visits. Regardless though, there is no reason for her to be there while you are there.
I doubt that he would have any ability to stop her threats though which you seem to be receiving through various mediums that he cannot control. That is why I think that you need to document her threats and contact the authorities.
sigh.. thats scary.
The only thing left to do is to contact the authorities. As much as you don't want to, it possibly might be the only way. She seems like the person who won't sit down and talk. It really also depends on the feelings between you and the guy. If there isn't much connection, you can always leave. But, if there is, then maybe you might need to get a restraining order in effect. It's best to stop something before it happens, as you can hint from her threatening messages.
you should have punched her in the face after she spit on you.
Well, what is your boyfriend doing to stop this? Is he telling her to back off? To move on? I mean, obviously they're broken up. He can't possibly be ok with his ex messing with you, and if he is ok with it, then you need to leave him. Now.
Also, if the threats and violent behaviors continue in front of the child, then call Child Protective Services. She would probably get off with a warning first for endangering the child, and if she has to be warned again they'll take the baby away. Also, get a restaraining order against her. She won't be allowed to come near your or send you threatening messages.
But she really needs to move on. She didn't stay with this guy so she can't expect him to stay single forever!
My mother acted exactly (screaming, threats, everything) as said ex, and after years, restraining orders, etc. it never really stopped and my step-mom up and left about 10 years after the first spit-in-the-face from my mom. Honestly, I doubt if there's much you can do about this ex, I'd turn to the cops if you feel they can really do anything, but before going through the trouble really decide if your relationship with your boyfriend is gonna be worth it.
i would have gone to jail that day... bludgeoned her after she spat in my face... if the bf isn't doing anything, he doesn't care and you need to pack the bag you have in the relationship and leave
Fuck that, call the cops. It's her problem she's so immature, not yours. And if she's like this with you, she may act that way toward his next girlfriend if you two don't work out. In the end, she's ruining his chance at happiness and being a brat.. And I would totally put the kibosh on physical threats.
Get a restraining order on her. Forget about, she chose to act this way and now she has to live with the consequences. If she really was a responsible mother who cared about her child she wouldn't have acted that way in front of her.
If your bf isn't helping much on the situation, is he really worth it?
it only gets worse, and harder to get out... so get out now.
He needs to get things together. If he can't solve it, I don't think it's worth it for you to keep going through all of this. Your safety is important too. Something's gotta give.
You need to get things straight with him. If I were you, I wouldn't hurt myself just because I'm trying to help out the girl who doesn't like me...and who could just ruin things for me with the guy in the future anyway.
I can understand completely what your going through. I'm in a very similar situation. Theres a daughter and the crazy ex will stop at nothing to infiltrate our lives. The reason the relationship didn't work for them was because of this inexcusable behavior. Before my bf left said ex, she was extremely violent and jealous towards him without provocation and even burned boxes of his things and rammed the back of his pick up with the child in her car. She even had CPS called on her for trying to take control of my bf's truck and run them all off the road (child and all).
Her mentality is that since she has a child by him, he is hers indefinetly. She harrasses his family who live in Central America as well as calls all known friends or aquaintances to get in contact with him. She even texted my brother calling me the whore who broke up her family.
You need to call the police every time there is an incident otherwise she will continue to harrass and threaten you. If she is making threats to kill you or your bf, you need to have it documented and she will be charged with Terroristic Threats if you have proof. You also need to report any incident of violence or aggression when the child is present to CPS. CPS takes multiple complaints on the same person very seriously.
If your not willing to take all necessary actions to protect yourself and you budding relationship then you might as well get out now cuz it won't stop just cuz she gets bored or gets a new bf. She is coming from a place where she thinks she is being betrayed constantly by the one she thought she loved and loved her back and the fact that there is a child involved only tears at her that much more.
What kind of guy is he if he can't even properly handle a situation? If he knew what his ex was capable of, he should have waited a little longer before he decided to start another relationship. Seriously though, since you didn't even mention him during the course of her kicking you out of the house, save holding her back while she spat in your face, is he really worth it? I guess he could have been holding back because he didn't want to frighten his daughter, but there was other ways to quiet her. Such as politely asking you to come visit him later while he talked to his ex, instead of letting her kick you out.
@WonderGirlExtraordinaire@xanga - Wow. That is one heck of an ex. To blogger, I say, take her advice.