This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I just realized that I'm in my third almost-dating friendship, and
I'm beginning to worry if I'm doing something wrong. What I mean by
that is a close friendship with a guy that involves spending large
amounts of time together, talking late into the night, much flirting,
and occasional cuddling, all without actually being in a relationship.
People often think I'm dating the almost-boyfriend/friend. It never
involves kissing or sex, just... exclusive flirty friendship.
The first time this happened to me was the first (and only) time
I've ever been in love. I had a crush on a guy I eventually became
friends with, and HE initiated lots of flirting and displays of
affection. I eventually told him how I felt and asked him to stop
saying he loved me if he didn't mean it because it was hurting me. He
responded by saying that he had had feelings for me a while ago. And
that was that. We eventually fought and the friendship went down in
flames.
The second time it happened a casual friendship escalated when he
became uber flirty and we started hanging out a lot, usually ending up
cuddling. All of our friends thought we were dating or were about to
date. We had one real date, after which he told me we should just be
friends. We didn't much change how we acted with each other until I got
fed up and started seeing someone else.
The third time we actually started out dating, until he told me we
should just be friends. I was okay with that because I wasn't looking for a
relationship...until I ended up in one, a dating-friendship, with him.
We hang out a lot, talk all the time, and flirt, always initiated by
him. I'm attracted to him but I don't think I'm falling for him
So, what is my problem? I didn't think I was encouraging them, but
it seems to happen to me a lot. It's getting frustrating, because I'm
practically still dating this guy, but not quite. I don't quite
understand why he broke up with me but still keeps up the flirting in
the friendship and everything. I genuinely enjoy being friends with
these guys, but I don't know why this keeps happening. Can anyone help?
Comments (38)
@eyesochinky@xanga - I read that book! I memorized that book when I was in my 20s. Very fun, somewhat informative. Definitely reinforced my belief that there will be some man out there that will be able to meet my expectations. In the meantime, I'm just havin' fun!
It's happening because you're not demanding better. Start a precedence by not allowing cuddling or anything romantically affectionate until you're actually asked out on an official date.
Here's a bit of information, it takes quite a bit of effort and courage from a guy to ask a girl out. That work and emotional challenge is what gives a "value" to a woman. If she comes without the hard work, you've confirmed a preconceived notion that you are happy with the way things are and want nothing more.
Successful dating is based on expectations. Putting everything on the table in the beginning, like who you are and what you expect before things go further helps weed out time wasting encounters.
What's happening to you is that you're starting out your relationships letting a guy know that it's ok to get romantic without putting in the work. Then, when you're already emotionally invested you ask them to put in the work. That's not how it works in the male mind. To them, you've changed the game. And men are creatures of expectation. They're not emotionally intuitive so you have to guide them in a way that forces them to act with honor while dealing with you.
@eyesochinky@xanga - I just have to get that book. who is the author?
@SunshineMI@xanga - GOOD JOB! same here. I just got out of a 10 yr relationship. Not gonna let another man hold me down like that for a long long lonnnnnnnng time bahaha. WOOT!
@Rajah021162@xanga - It's written by Sherry Argov.
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Dreamgirl/dp/1580627560/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220562242&sr=8-1
Get it on amazon.com!
@eyesochinky@xanga - Good God, woman! You're in the prime of your life! 10 years? What, were you in diapers or something?
Stop accepting the guys who flirt with you. Flirting is probably one of the most insincere forms of expression. If he doesn't say it from the heart, he's not serious about the relationship. Move on. Sorry, a lot of guys have commitment issues. It's not your fault.
@SunshineMI@xanga - LOL i was 16. Young & NAIVE! What can I say?! haha.
i am in your position right now! my friend confessed he loved me...and would talk to me almost everyday...he always said he was missing me...i didn't take much of it seriously..but after a while..i started missing him too...things seemed great for some time...we behaved like that almost-dating thing u described...and im ok about the whole no-commitment thing. i think we even had some sort of indirect agreement on that. but all of a sudden...everything stopped...just plain silence...i don't get it..is the whole casual thing not working out anymore? then why didn't he just say so..instead of keeping quiet and making me wonder..sigh..in any case, i just wanted to tell u..i feel ur dilemma..i too wish i knew what to do!
On some level, you may just like the feeling of being with these guys but not actually like the person. You might have fallen into like with the idea and feelings that come with the dating-friendship.
what i think is that they don't want to be committed to u.. cuz they think they can have the fun without the commitment... so maybe u should try playing hard to get.. flirt but don't let them cuddle with u. slightly mention some other guy in ur conversation and say ur talking to a new guy or something. you guys are "friends" so that's okay and if he reallie likes u, he'll be scared to lose you, so he'll not want to be friends anymore. i had the same problem kinda, and i told him we should REALLY just be friends (twice) if he didn't want commitment, and that got him kinda going... and now he's my boyfriend! :] good luck!
been there!
it's important to set the boundaries early on. if you like the intimacy too, then by all means, enjoy it, but you need to be upfront with the guy and ask him what he's looking for. that way you can assess whether or not you want to continue your intimacy and gauge if you'd be able to emotionally handle a relationship of that nature. take his word for truth, also. don't think you'll be able to change his mind. It's best to do it very early on before any confusion or significant feelings arise. And if you do continue being intimate and it becomes to be a little confusing for you, their unwillingness to commit works in your favor because you can just stop and keep it moving. us girls can take advantage of the situation, too :)
i've been through my share of confusing relationships and had my feelings hurt, but then i wised up and started asking straight out the gate and it's worked in my favor. i got to cuddle and stuff without wondering if he wants anything more, and when i felt things were getting to be too much, well, we both agreed there was no commitment off gate so I just stopped letting it happen. and to my surprise, one guy I met actually set the boundaries for me first and told me he was looking for a possible girlfriend and we've been together now for 15 months.
You need to be upfront right away of what you want and he wants. And see if you guys are on the same page... if not, move on. You don't need to strung along like that.